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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:41

I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him, I did it because he is the man that I have always wanted.

And I didn’t think that he was the cheating type, because he is very family oriented.

What?
You've literally been cheating on his wife with him, for years.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:41

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 14:24

Which “this” do you mean, exactly?

I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him, I did it because he is the man that I have always wanted.

And I didn’t think that he was the cheating type, because he is very family oriented.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 14:40

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:38

I felt guilty afterwards, and I told him this also.

😂😂 Makes no difference though

You'll do again

And again

And again

Probably in your dreams though because this story is getting so farfetched. Poor Sirius Snape.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:38

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 14:10

Did you feel guilty with your legs in the air last night? No, you didn't.

Seriously go away now and cop the fuck on.

You should feel embarrassed... imagine your poor child in years to come knowing his parents are having a sordid affair, nobody is allowed to know about him, and his Dad only comes round to sleep with his mum. Oh and he has loads of other siblings he's never allowed know.

I felt guilty afterwards, and I told him this also.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 14:24

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:05

I do, this should have never had happened.

I do not regret my child one bit, he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

But it’s not fair on him, I keep thinking about what is going to happen as he gets older.

Which “this” do you mean, exactly?

Swiftie1878 · 26/04/2026 14:23

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:09

Because I carry my Dads surname, he is the father and the baby belongs to him, it’s as simple as that.

And I shouldn’t have let him chose his first name “Sirius” it’s hideous and I fucking hate it, so I just call him by his middle name.

😂😂😂 OK. Good trolling. Well done. 👏👏👏

BuckChuckets · 26/04/2026 14:21

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

Stop rage baiting on the internet, maybe? You've taken it too far with your switching back and forth between here are the terrible things this man does and omg guys he's my baby's father how dare you be mean. It's too unbelievable.

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 14:10

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:57

Going through feeling embarrassed and guilty and I am aware that I’m a disgrace.

Did you feel guilty with your legs in the air last night? No, you didn't.

Seriously go away now and cop the fuck on.

You should feel embarrassed... imagine your poor child in years to come knowing his parents are having a sordid affair, nobody is allowed to know about him, and his Dad only comes round to sleep with his mum. Oh and he has loads of other siblings he's never allowed know.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 14:05

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:01

I have to say that you don't sound like you feel guilty.

I do, this should have never had happened.

I do not regret my child one bit, he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

But it’s not fair on him, I keep thinking about what is going to happen as he gets older.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 14:01

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:57

Going through feeling embarrassed and guilty and I am aware that I’m a disgrace.

I have to say that you don't sound like you feel guilty.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:57

BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 13:43

Going through what exactly?

You're having an affair.. thats on you ffs

Stop asking what should you do. You've been told several times but you prefer to ignore and then moan. Grow the fuck up for your child's sake. Honestly you are an absolute disgrace.

Going through feeling embarrassed and guilty and I am aware that I’m a disgrace.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 13:43

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

Going through what exactly?

You're having an affair.. thats on you ffs

Stop asking what should you do. You've been told several times but you prefer to ignore and then moan. Grow the fuck up for your child's sake. Honestly you are an absolute disgrace.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:42

I have listened to this and taken it in

That doesn't seem terribly likely to me.
You've had exactly the same advice throughout the thread and completely ignored it.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:39

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/04/2026 13:32

Op, you need to recognise that he is very controlling. He is not saying these things because he loves you, he is telling you it’s because he loves you because he thinks those are the words that will make you do what he says and focus on what he wants you to focus on and not have time or headspace to think for yourself. He wants you to think you’re a bad mum, that he is the only person really looking out for this baby as without him you’d be bringing it up in a dirty house with damaging rules (your house is not dirty, and dummies are not damaging. He wants you to think they are so that you think you’re a bad mum and rely on him). He doesn’t want you to have fun at your mums because it’s a space free of his control so he tries to make you think it’s dirty and baby isn’t safe there and you’re a bad mum. He doesn’t want you to have friends so he tells you they are bad for baby. Please remember that your baby only when you. Your baby can’t rely on their dad, who’s pretending to most /all of his friends and family that your baby doesn’t exist. If something happened to you he’s hardly going to say oh I’ll take you home with me to love and cherish , I’m your only parent now and I will give you everything. He might offer your mum money, or he might not as he will know he can’t control your mum and the money he’s paying is part of trying to get the control he wants. You are the only true parent your baby has, and you need to look after you. Mute him for long periods so you can think without him in your space (I suggest this as I know you aren’t about to cut him off! Which you should do) keep him off the ring doorbell, do not give him information about your life he doesn’t need, and if he has more advice about your baby say so should we go around to yours now and ask your wifr if you were this amazing dad who taught her everything she knows about parenting? No? Then stop criticising the only full time parent this baby has. You’re a visitor and you should leave.

Thank you.

I have listened to this and taken it in, I think it’s best to have minimal contact with him. I will let him see the baby once a week.

I can not continue living like this, everyday I feel depressed!

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 13:32

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

There is no nice way to say it though. You’ve ignored every bit of advice your been given on here. What’s the point?

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/04/2026 13:32

Op, you need to recognise that he is very controlling. He is not saying these things because he loves you, he is telling you it’s because he loves you because he thinks those are the words that will make you do what he says and focus on what he wants you to focus on and not have time or headspace to think for yourself. He wants you to think you’re a bad mum, that he is the only person really looking out for this baby as without him you’d be bringing it up in a dirty house with damaging rules (your house is not dirty, and dummies are not damaging. He wants you to think they are so that you think you’re a bad mum and rely on him). He doesn’t want you to have fun at your mums because it’s a space free of his control so he tries to make you think it’s dirty and baby isn’t safe there and you’re a bad mum. He doesn’t want you to have friends so he tells you they are bad for baby. Please remember that your baby only when you. Your baby can’t rely on their dad, who’s pretending to most /all of his friends and family that your baby doesn’t exist. If something happened to you he’s hardly going to say oh I’ll take you home with me to love and cherish , I’m your only parent now and I will give you everything. He might offer your mum money, or he might not as he will know he can’t control your mum and the money he’s paying is part of trying to get the control he wants. You are the only true parent your baby has, and you need to look after you. Mute him for long periods so you can think without him in your space (I suggest this as I know you aren’t about to cut him off! Which you should do) keep him off the ring doorbell, do not give him information about your life he doesn’t need, and if he has more advice about your baby say so should we go around to yours now and ask your wifr if you were this amazing dad who taught her everything she knows about parenting? No? Then stop criticising the only full time parent this baby has. You’re a visitor and you should leave.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:22

The only thing I want from him is to be there for my child

So you'll shag him to achieve this.
Unbelievable.

I don’t want to share him

Eh? I thought you asked for advice on getting him out of your life, because he's so controlling.

..........and I shouldn’t be sharing him

No, you shouldn't. He has a wife and children.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:19

What should I do?

Stop letting him be unfaithful to his poor wife.

Stop letting him control you.

Stop letting him see the baby.

But we've all told you this, over and over again.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2026 13:18

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

I'd tell you in person too, believe me..
Hmm

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 13:16

I know that I have done wrong, but the way you are speaking to me isn’t nice.

I do not need this right now; you know that I’m going through it.

What should I do?

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 26/04/2026 12:41

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

I'd happily say to your face how you are fucking up your kids and 3 others lives.

ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 12:41

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

People are responding to YOUR POSTS. You’ve made and continue to make horrifically bad decisions and can’t see what you are doing.

Believe me, if I thought you lived anywhere near me I’d say it to your face in the hope of giving your head a wobble.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 12:32

Why is only online people feel so comfortable saying nasty things?

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 26/04/2026 11:44

But at the time I just wanted to please him.

At the time? All the time. You’re his simp.

TellHerToFuckOff · 26/04/2026 11:18

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 26/04/2026 10:31

I am going to a baby group next week, my health visitor gave me the details to one nearby, I think once I meet new people I’ll be fine, because I don’t have any issues making friends.

I just feel so lonely here.

Ya, you might find your ability to make friends has changed now… very few people will want to be friend with a mother who continues to allow her child be kept a dirty secret, or who continues to be the dirty AP to a man hiding a whole other life from his wife and 3 children.

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