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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 29/04/2026 07:56

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/04/2026 22:22

What on earth have I just read?

OP, are you this much of a pushover in your other relationships?
Do you find it hard to ask for what you want or even know what you want?
Why are you so focused on pleasing this man?

She’s not being a pushover. She is belligerently trying to show/prove that she’s a ‘good’ person, not a home wrecker, wouldn’t treat the father of her child ‘unfairly’ etc. All the things he’ll have mentioned to her when she decided to sleep with him in the full knowledge that he’s a ‘Family Man’ with a wife and three kids.
Won’t meet outside the home because that could embarrass him (she is the other woman with his dirty secret child, after all) and, anyway, meeting in cafes is what loser, divorced people do.

All at the expense of her child…

This guy should be needing to apply for access and paying child support.
She won’t ’lower herself’ to this because that would make her like every other woman who makes a mistake in the choice of her baby’s father. She isn’t like that. She’s ‘better’ than that and won’t become ‘THAT’ kind of woman.
She’s above all that. 🙄

Except she’s not. She had a blatant affair, knowing there is a wife and kids, got knocked up, and has now condemned herself and her poor child to links with this scummy man for the rest of her and their lives. And has still managed to learn absolutely NOTHING.

Meezer2 · 29/04/2026 02:33

what have I just read. What a mess.

ItTook9Years · 28/04/2026 22:39

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 22:01

Yes there is something defo wrong with him

There is something wrong with YOU.

WHY are you constantly enabling him to get what he wants (literally)? Why are you avoiding every opportunity to take take some control and advocate for your child??????

ItTook9Years · 28/04/2026 22:37

he wants me to use them instead on my baby, because he doesn’t smell the same as his other children when they were the same age

He wants, his children.

Nothing to do with you or your baby’s wellbeing at all. Just what he wants.

Is it sinking in yet?

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/04/2026 22:32

He’s around a lot at yours. I’d start going out as much as I could op, and set yourself some rules, that unless it’s prearranged you won’t let him in before lunch, you won’t let him in on two days in a row.
what makes you think he’s a good dad? Dh and I wouldn’t have time for this regular dropping in on you and checking the ring doorbell because our 3 dc take up pretty much all of our non working time! I’d suggest messaging if he says he’s at yours ‘I’m not in, I’m sure there’s something you could be doing with your children that you acknowledge, every time you come over without warning I am reminded that you have dc at home that you seem to just walk off from every day, I will never do that to mine. Go home and be a dad. Don’t come to visit <baby> without making arrangements beforehand, I won’t be waiting in in case you turn up.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/04/2026 22:22

What on earth have I just read?

OP, are you this much of a pushover in your other relationships?
Do you find it hard to ask for what you want or even know what you want?
Why are you so focused on pleasing this man?

BlueMum16 · 28/04/2026 22:17

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 22:01

Yes there is something defo wrong with him

So what are you going to do?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 22:01

SunnyRedSnail · 28/04/2026 22:00

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this guy sounds mentally deranged! I'd be keeping the baby well away from him!

Yes there is something defo wrong with him

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · 28/04/2026 22:00

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this guy sounds mentally deranged! I'd be keeping the baby well away from him!

Scottishmamaagain · 28/04/2026 21:47

Why dont you want to meet him outside? Because he doesn’t want you bumping into anyone he knows? Because you are still his secret.

Honestly this is what the rest of your son’s childhood is going to be like. His dad is going to constantly be micromanaging you, comparing you to his wife. He will be wanting to control everything, wait until you start weaning, he starts going to school etc.

You have got yourself into this situation, now it’s time to get yourself out. Put your foot down and put boundaries in place. Once you start to that you’ll soon see he isn’t so nice.

RampantIvy · 28/04/2026 21:43

I do not want to meet him outside

Why not?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 21:41

Polkadotpompom · 28/04/2026 21:36

Fgs op.

Meet him once a week in a Costa/cafe where he can hold and talk to baby.

The shampoo is because he's going home smelling like someone's well cared for child, but not the one's he lives with!!

He wants you to use the same shampoo/bath stuff as his other kids so that when his wife or children are close to him they don't smell another child/person's toiletries on him! 🙄🤦

He doesn't need to be in your home.

You don't need constant back and forth conversations with him via phone or text.

He doesn't get to question or control you, insult your friends, question how much time people in your life spend with you, make demands etc.

His youngest child is 3 so he wouldn’t be using the same products as my 5 month old baby.

I do not want to meet him outside, and I don’t want him just turning up unannounced, when he come this morning I asked him in future to let me know when he is coming, he asked why and that I should know that he’d be coming.

It’s just going from bad to worst, he doesn’t need to come here everyday, baby is fine.

OP posts:
Polkadotpompom · 28/04/2026 21:36

Fgs op.

Meet him once a week in a Costa/cafe where he can hold and talk to baby.

The shampoo is because he's going home smelling like someone's well cared for child, but not the one's he lives with!!

He wants you to use the same shampoo/bath stuff as his other kids so that when his wife or children are close to him they don't smell another child/person's toiletries on him! 🙄🤦

He doesn't need to be in your home.

You don't need constant back and forth conversations with him via phone or text.

He doesn't get to question or control you, insult your friends, question how much time people in your life spend with you, make demands etc.

BlueMum16 · 28/04/2026 21:15

Your baby your choice.

Why are you letting him turn up unannounced. Don't answer the door or send him away if not prearranged.

I thought you were taking back control.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 28/04/2026 21:03

I can’t deal with him anymore, he came here this morning, with baby wash and said that he wants me to use them instead on my baby, because he doesn’t smell the same as his other children when they were the same age.

Can someone tell me if I am exaggerating or not? because that is not something that a normal human being would do or say.

I asked him how does the baby smell, and he just said not the same, my mum, my friends and family always comment on how lovely my baby smells, now it’s making me feel very paranoid.

OP posts:
SisterThorn · 28/04/2026 09:13

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 11:16

I do not need to get a Clare’s Law disclosure on him, I don’t know why you’d even suggest that.

He is not a danger, or would never ever become aggressive towards me, he is not that type of man.

If has said if I carry on upsetting him and is just going to start to hate me.

What's this then if not a threat??? Open your eyes.

Swiftie1878 · 28/04/2026 07:53

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 18:40

I am not going through the courts or CMS I wouldn’t lower myself.

QED.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2026 06:47

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

🤦‍♂️

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2026 06:47

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 07:53

Yep

I will not allow him to speak about my friends like that, I wasn’t aware of how nasty he actually is.

This is what told you he was nasty?!

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/04/2026 22:28

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

That post was clearly about him getting contact arranged for his child, because if you don’t tell him to seek access that way he will continue to use ‘seeing his baby’ as a reason to turn up at yours, expect to come in, and try for sex with you.
have lots of visitors op, I think he won’t want to come around when you have visitors as he knows how he will look, and that’s another reason he objects to you having visitors. They protect your and baby’s peace.

RampantIvy · 27/04/2026 21:59

but your son probably isn’t his only secret child. He could have loads that he makes rounds visiting.

That thought occurred to me as well. Also, if the OP is having unprotected sex with a cheater she really ought to get herself checked out.

JaggyJumper · 27/04/2026 21:41

I don’t know if this point has already been mentioned because it took me so long to get through the rollercoaster of this thread, but your son probably isn’t his only secret child. He could have loads that he makes rounds visiting.

although this whole thread is a load of shit. You can tell someone has been bored 🙄

BlueMum16 · 27/04/2026 20:29

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 19:11

Going through the courts and going through CMS to get money from him, I am able to support my child without him and it’s not about money.

It's great you can support your child but the father needs to do this too.

If he stops paying you child support you should pursue CMS to get what your DC is entitled to. This is ensuring the father supports the child. It's not about you, it's about your DC.

Wtafdidido · 27/04/2026 19:36

What a bloody mess. Your poor innocent child. No doubt being kept apart and secret from its half siblings. And as for giving him the sperm doners surname that brings its own long term legal issues as he can fight you for access and custody. And let’s not even go down the route of you having genitally mutilated your poor baby. You really are a smashing human and parent 😠