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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
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ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 13:20

This reply has been deleted

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Assume you mean OP.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 13:19

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 11:43

He came here this morning and asked where I keep my clean sheets, as he needed to sleep. A confused me asked him why he needed to sleep when he had just come from his house. He said that he hadn't slept yet and mentioned something about dealing with domestic issues.

I never agreed to this nonsense, I have no idea who he thinks he is, showing up here and expecting to sleep. I will speak to him when he wakes up, because this is the last time something like this can happen.

I never agreed to this.

I’ll speak to him when he wakes up.

FUCK’S SAKE OP!!!!

The word you are missing from your vocabulary is NO.

Followed by FUCK OFF, SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED/CAR/OFFICE and LEAVE ME ALONE.

All these last times that aren’t last times are just making him absolutely sure he has you under his total control.

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2026 12:10

This reply has been deleted

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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 11:43

He came here this morning and asked where I keep my clean sheets, as he needed to sleep. A confused me asked him why he needed to sleep when he had just come from his house. He said that he hadn't slept yet and mentioned something about dealing with domestic issues.

I never agreed to this nonsense, I have no idea who he thinks he is, showing up here and expecting to sleep. I will speak to him when he wakes up, because this is the last time something like this can happen.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 30/04/2026 19:09

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 30/04/2026 18:53

I do believe there is something wrong with him, but I won't ask him any more about it since it's not my business.

I wish he'd told me this before, not that being autistic is a bad thing, I don't discriminate.

Yes, I've known him for more than 10 years, but no, I don't know his wife. She comes from a wealthy background, so we don't have any mutual friends.

No mutual friends. Just a mutual baby daddy

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 30/04/2026 18:53

Polkadotpompom · 30/04/2026 17:37

This condition that magically makes it hard for him to spend time outside of his or your home. How convenient he is mentioning it now. 🙄😡

IF he truly does have something like autism and he chose not to share that with the person having his affair baby, he really should have brought it up before now.

People with autism may prefer their home comforts but I can tell you from direct experience that it doesn't mean he gets to come to your home when you'd rather meet him somewhere else. The other week he wanted to go out for a walk to play fake happy families didn't he. 🤔🙄🤦

You'd walk over hot coals to spend time with your child. If he is not open to a set routine where he spends time with your baby OUT of your house then that's his choice.

If you've known him for years do you know his wife too?

I do believe there is something wrong with him, but I won't ask him any more about it since it's not my business.

I wish he'd told me this before, not that being autistic is a bad thing, I don't discriminate.

Yes, I've known him for more than 10 years, but no, I don't know his wife. She comes from a wealthy background, so we don't have any mutual friends.

OP posts:
Polkadotpompom · 30/04/2026 17:37

This condition that magically makes it hard for him to spend time outside of his or your home. How convenient he is mentioning it now. 🙄😡

IF he truly does have something like autism and he chose not to share that with the person having his affair baby, he really should have brought it up before now.

People with autism may prefer their home comforts but I can tell you from direct experience that it doesn't mean he gets to come to your home when you'd rather meet him somewhere else. The other week he wanted to go out for a walk to play fake happy families didn't he. 🤔🙄🤦

You'd walk over hot coals to spend time with your child. If he is not open to a set routine where he spends time with your baby OUT of your house then that's his choice.

If you've known him for years do you know his wife too?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 30/04/2026 17:16

RunningJo · 30/04/2026 17:14

I would tell him you’re out, at this stage he may just turn up if you say no - he doesn’t appear to be over familiar with respecting boundaries does he. Then tell him when it suits you to meet.

The last post by @99bottlesofkombucha is excellent.

Yes her post was 🙂

Any time he just turns up here I will not let him in, he needs to learn boundaries.

OP posts:
RunningJo · 30/04/2026 17:14

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 30/04/2026 16:26

The wife is probably used to his behaviour, I heard from his this morning, he said he would be round soon.

I told him no, and that I want to be alone with the baby today and he can come tomorrow, and that if he just turns up I won’t let him in.

I am pleased with myself.

I would tell him you’re out, at this stage he may just turn up if you say no - he doesn’t appear to be over familiar with respecting boundaries does he. Then tell him when it suits you to meet.

The last post by @99bottlesofkombucha is excellent.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 30/04/2026 16:26

99bottlesofkombucha · 29/04/2026 22:42

there are no conditions that cause your penis to work hard at getting into other women’s vaginas.
it’s not a coincidence that he’s brought it up now, when you are pulling away and asserting that you deserve respect, it’s just another means of controlling you. Maybe he does have OCD or and autism. He can get his wife’s help with it, and it doesn’t change that you’re a good mum and he’s a controlling asshole who keeps trying to tell you what to do. If his condition is real and he’s a good man he’d be seeing professionals and possibly medicated. Don’t ask him about the condition. Ask him how he’s working hard to manage it and what the professional advice is. And it sounds like he’s made up details to be justifying that he is happier in your house than meeting baby outside - you Do. Not. Care. You can say very caringly ‘you had probably better go home then and ill meet you somewhere with baby when you’re feeling better.

manipulative controlling asshole is his primary condition and anything else he might have is irrelevant to you. The less your baby sees him the better the chances they don’t absorb it.

The wife is probably used to his behaviour, I heard from his this morning, he said he would be round soon.

I told him no, and that I want to be alone with the baby today and he can come tomorrow, and that if he just turns up I won’t let him in.

I am pleased with myself.

OP posts:
wandawaves · 30/04/2026 01:16

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

Yes, they are symptoms of being a manipulative controlling arsehole.

And yes, this condition can be passed down to your baby, as he will grow up watching his mum accepting this abusive behaviour, and will think that it's normal to treat women this way.

99bottlesofkombucha · 29/04/2026 22:42

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

there are no conditions that cause your penis to work hard at getting into other women’s vaginas.
it’s not a coincidence that he’s brought it up now, when you are pulling away and asserting that you deserve respect, it’s just another means of controlling you. Maybe he does have OCD or and autism. He can get his wife’s help with it, and it doesn’t change that you’re a good mum and he’s a controlling asshole who keeps trying to tell you what to do. If his condition is real and he’s a good man he’d be seeing professionals and possibly medicated. Don’t ask him about the condition. Ask him how he’s working hard to manage it and what the professional advice is. And it sounds like he’s made up details to be justifying that he is happier in your house than meeting baby outside - you Do. Not. Care. You can say very caringly ‘you had probably better go home then and ill meet you somewhere with baby when you’re feeling better.

manipulative controlling asshole is his primary condition and anything else he might have is irrelevant to you. The less your baby sees him the better the chances they don’t absorb it.

ItTook9Years · 29/04/2026 22:28

Neurodivergent conditions are as hereditable as height.

RunningJo · 29/04/2026 22:21

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 27/04/2026 12:06

I am not doing that, I know him and I know that he doesn’t put his hands on women.

Sorry Op, but I suspect his wife thinks knows him too, yet here he is breaking his marriage vows.

SunnyRedSnail · 29/04/2026 21:30

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

Why did you answer?!?!?!

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 21:07

I don’t know what to think now

OP posts:
guestusername · 29/04/2026 20:55

You’re too closely involved to see it properly.

He is only telling you these things to further manipulate you and you are falling for it, hook, line and sinker.

Please go and find where you left your self respect

BudgetBuster · 29/04/2026 20:37

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 20:27

The only other womans house that he has stayed at is mine and yes I know it’s wrong.

I think you are forgetting I have known him for years, he is not just some stranger off the street.

And I do believe that he has some kind of disorder, I will try and ask him more about it.

I am not forgetting you have been infatuated with this disgusting man for years.

I am riding everything you post and he will absolutely say anything to make you feel sorry for him to keep you hanging on.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 20:27

BudgetBuster · 29/04/2026 19:34

He absolutely would lie about having a condition. You're just too brainwashed and naieve to accept that.

He also doesn't just stay at home. He stays at random women's homes...

You do realise that if he just shows up, after you blocked him and told him to leave you alone, you just call the police? That's literal harassment and you're happy to facilitate it.

The only other womans house that he has stayed at is mine and yes I know it’s wrong.

I think you are forgetting I have known him for years, he is not just some stranger off the street.

And I do believe that he has some kind of disorder, I will try and ask him more about it.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 29/04/2026 20:26

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:32

He wouldn’t lie about having a condition, I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this before, he said that he doesn’t let him define him and that as I got to know him more, I’d know.

Now I’m thinking whether or not these kind of conditions can be passed down to my baby.

Autism/ASD can be hereditary.

OCD is a serious mental health condition.

I'm not trying to worry you but this is the man making all the decisions for your baby. You know nothing about him.

You need to take back control and make your own decisions. Now!

BudgetBuster · 29/04/2026 19:34

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:32

He wouldn’t lie about having a condition, I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this before, he said that he doesn’t let him define him and that as I got to know him more, I’d know.

Now I’m thinking whether or not these kind of conditions can be passed down to my baby.

He absolutely would lie about having a condition. You're just too brainwashed and naieve to accept that.

He also doesn't just stay at home. He stays at random women's homes...

You do realise that if he just shows up, after you blocked him and told him to leave you alone, you just call the police? That's literal harassment and you're happy to facilitate it.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:32

BudgetBuster · 29/04/2026 19:26

How did he call you if you blocked him? 🚫

He doesn't have OCD... he's a controlling dickhead. You don't need to be blabbering on everytime you speak about how he treated you etc. A simple "Yes, baby is fine" is literally all he needs.

He wouldn’t lie about having a condition, I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this before, he said that he doesn’t let him define him and that as I got to know him more, I’d know.

Now I’m thinking whether or not these kind of conditions can be passed down to my baby.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:30

ItTook9Years · 29/04/2026 19:23

Autism/ASD?

The underlying condition is undoubtably TWAT.

How is ringing you leaving you alone exactly?

Ringing once is leaving me alone, and I had to unblock him to avoid him just showing up.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 29/04/2026 19:26

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 29/04/2026 19:21

He left me alone today, thank the Lord, but he did call to check on how the baby and I were doing. Once again, I told him that I wasn’t happy with how he had been treating me and that I was still upset about him asking me to bathe the baby with the products he brought over.

He said he's got OCD, which explains why he's so clean and orderly. He also mentioned there's something else wrong with him but couldn't remember the name, it's about having a routine. He likes spending time at home because being outside can sometimes overstimulate him, leaving him really tired and needing to sleep it off.

Does anyone here have any idea what he could be talking about?

How did he call you if you blocked him? 🚫

He doesn't have OCD... he's a controlling dickhead. You don't need to be blabbering on everytime you speak about how he treated you etc. A simple "Yes, baby is fine" is literally all he needs.

ItTook9Years · 29/04/2026 19:23

Autism/ASD?

The underlying condition is undoubtably TWAT.

How is ringing you leaving you alone exactly?

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