Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
IShouldNotBeSurprised · 01/05/2026 21:47

This is not about a relationship with his son, it's about his control of you. If he really wanted a relationship with his son, he'd be spending time with him, alone, not harassing you the whole time. Does he actually spend any time caring for the baby? Holding him, playing with him? If he was really there to see him, you would be able to hand him over and go out, or busy yourself around the house while he spent quality time.

Set up a visitation schedule. He takes the baby out somewhere or visits your house with you elsewhere.

It sounds like he has more contact with, and control over, you since you've tried to set some boundaries. He's not only crossing them, he's blowing right past them. Sleeping in your bed! When you've said no.

Madness.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 21:44

He has gone to bed, I can’t go on living like this.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:45

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 20:35

He knows the situation.

And is happy that you are still sleeping with a married man?

Of course he is not happy with the situation, but he is glad that my sons father is present, and the baby has brought he and my mum so much joy.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 20:41

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:35

Oh that’s just someone who gets pleasure out of bullying strangers online. I don’t pay them any mind.

Thanks though.

You don't pay anyone any mind sure

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 20:35

He knows the situation.

And is happy that you are still sleeping with a married man?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:35

Notabarbie · 01/05/2026 20:26

Uncalled for.

Oh that’s just someone who gets pleasure out of bullying strangers online. I don’t pay them any mind.

Thanks though.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:34

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:26

Did you grow up without your dad, OP?

No I didn’t, my mum and dad are still together.

He knows the situation.

OP posts:
Notabarbie · 01/05/2026 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Uncalled for.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:26

Did you grow up without your dad, OP?

BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:10

I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him**

Anyone else having Deja vu?

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:09

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:05

He doesn’t pay my rent.

I am bothered, I just can’t allow myself to get stressed out, I am a mother now and if I get myself into a mess it’s going to have an effect on my baby.

I just need to stay calm.

Fuck off. What else does “pays out living expenses” mean?

You’re just a doormat. Your kid is almost certainly going to be fucked up by the pair of you regardless.

He’s never going to leave you alone. This is it. Forever. No more boyfriends, no more time with friends. Because your feet are so far in the air for him you can’t even be bothered to try putting them down.

As I say, double up on your contraception. Don’t bring any more innocent children into this absolute shit show.

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 20:07

I just don’t understand how he feels so comfortable staying here with me.

If you hadn't cancelled your visitors he wouldn't have felt so comfortable. He also feels comfortable because you are unable to say no. Why? Why is it so difficult? Why are you so compliant with his demands? Are you a teenager? Does your mum know that you set your cap at a married man and thought it was perfectly OK to have unprotected sex with him?

I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him.

Hmm. Yeah, right.

I am as frustrated as everyone else who has bothered to try and support you with advice, which you have ignored, so I am being very blunt here - Grow up and stop being so spineless.

Stop whining and being so passive, and take control of your life. No-one else can do it for you.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 20:05

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:02

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

From your OP. He is effectively paying your rent.

But you’re not bothered, are you? You don’t really give a toss, because you roll over the second he looks at you. You’d probably have his name tattooed across your forehead if he suggested it.

Which means you don’t care about your son. You’ll go along with it just to get scraps of attention and fuck everything else.

<slow clap>

I honestly don’t know why you’re still posting.

He doesn’t pay my rent.

I am bothered, I just can’t allow myself to get stressed out, I am a mother now and if I get myself into a mess it’s going to have an effect on my baby.

I just need to stay calm.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:04

I had sex with him to keep the peace.

I let him mutilate our baby to keep the peace.

I don’t assert any boundaries to keep the peace.

I will let him isolate me from friends and family to keep the peace.

I’ll let him pretend to the world we don’t exist to keep the peace.

I’ll keep saying no but let him do whatever he wants to keep the peace.

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 20:02

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 19:58

He doesn’t pay my rent, I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him.

And yes you’re right I can’t be bothered to make him leave, I just want to keep the peace, but I don’t want him here.

He will be gone in the morning, I just don’t understand how he feels so comfortable staying here with me.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

From your OP. He is effectively paying your rent.

But you’re not bothered, are you? You don’t really give a toss, because you roll over the second he looks at you. You’d probably have his name tattooed across your forehead if he suggested it.

Which means you don’t care about your son. You’ll go along with it just to get scraps of attention and fuck everything else.

<slow clap>

I honestly don’t know why you’re still posting.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 19:58

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 19:50

He pays your rent and living expenses. He literally thinks he owns you.

Good luck OP. You’re clearly never going to take action because deep down you want to be with this loser. Happy shaving. Don’t forget the contraception.

He doesn’t pay my rent, I will not be sharing my bed with him tonight let alone sleeping with him.

And yes you’re right I can’t be bothered to make him leave, I just want to keep the peace, but I don’t want him here.

He will be gone in the morning, I just don’t understand how he feels so comfortable staying here with me.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 01/05/2026 19:55

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 16:42

If I get angry, I will get myself into a state.

I will not allow him to do that to me, I am just so annoyed right now.

He needs to go home.

So send him the fuck home and never let him back in. If he wants involvement with his son, he can pick him up and take him out for an hour. No longer does he show up unannounced on his own terms

BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 19:52

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 19:49

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately PLEASE STOP BEING A DOORMAT

You shouldn't have cancelled your visitors. Why did you?

This poor excuse of a sperm donor has you exactly where he wants you. He says jump and you say how high?

Easier for the OP to 'accidentally' have sex with him again if her visitors aren't there sure

ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 19:50

He pays your rent and living expenses. He literally thinks he owns you.

Good luck OP. You’re clearly never going to take action because deep down you want to be with this loser. Happy shaving. Don’t forget the contraception.

RampantIvy · 01/05/2026 19:49

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately PLEASE STOP BEING A DOORMAT

You shouldn't have cancelled your visitors. Why did you?

This poor excuse of a sperm donor has you exactly where he wants you. He says jump and you say how high?

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2026 19:46

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 19:34

He said he'll leave in the morning, and why am I even bothered by him being here.

And, it’s good for the baby when we are together. My baby doesn't mind who is around him. My answer to that was that he needs to go home to his family. He said he would call the kids later to talk to them and tell them he loves them.

I had to stop myself from saying you can’t love them that much.

I’ve let him know that I’m not happy because I wanted my friends here, he said that I can go and see them and he’ll look after the baby.

He is not going to leave, but I will make sure that he is gone first thing tomorrow morning, I have no idea where he thinks he is sleeping, because this is a one bed and he isn’t sharing my bed with me tonight

Honestly, you’re an embarrassment.

BudgetBuster · 01/05/2026 19:40

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 19:34

He said he'll leave in the morning, and why am I even bothered by him being here.

And, it’s good for the baby when we are together. My baby doesn't mind who is around him. My answer to that was that he needs to go home to his family. He said he would call the kids later to talk to them and tell them he loves them.

I had to stop myself from saying you can’t love them that much.

I’ve let him know that I’m not happy because I wanted my friends here, he said that I can go and see them and he’ll look after the baby.

He is not going to leave, but I will make sure that he is gone first thing tomorrow morning, I have no idea where he thinks he is sleeping, because this is a one bed and he isn’t sharing my bed with me tonight

You can't even be bothered making him leave now... he certainly won't leave tomorrow.

He'll sleep exactly where he slept last weekend. In your bed. With you. Because neither of you have any fucking morals.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 01/05/2026 19:34

BlueMum16 · 01/05/2026 18:40

Has he gone yet?

Just tell him to leave. Now!

I can't believe you allowed him to get in bed after everything you've said.

He said he'll leave in the morning, and why am I even bothered by him being here.

And, it’s good for the baby when we are together. My baby doesn't mind who is around him. My answer to that was that he needs to go home to his family. He said he would call the kids later to talk to them and tell them he loves them.

I had to stop myself from saying you can’t love them that much.

I’ve let him know that I’m not happy because I wanted my friends here, he said that I can go and see them and he’ll look after the baby.

He is not going to leave, but I will make sure that he is gone first thing tomorrow morning, I have no idea where he thinks he is sleeping, because this is a one bed and he isn’t sharing my bed with me tonight

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 01/05/2026 18:53

He’s probably arguing it’s Steak and Blowjob day.