AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

I’m 60 this year .
i have a husband and three adult married children.
I have a large extended family.
my birthday will be as low key as I can possibly make it . No drama no fuss.
I blame social media and peoples feelings of entitlement.
I think your mother in law sounds ridiculous narcissistic and extremely hard work.
I would never put my family under such pressure . I feel for you.

PMSL at this story! I am over 60 and so are many of my friends and relatives. I've never heard the like.

Who invites people to their party but expects them to pay for the privilege, and get a present. If you hold a party you pay, end off!

Personally I think if you have a big event like this and we just been to one 4 months ago from a very close friend that involved 3 days a stage dancers , waiters , suits , dresses for photos and even flights etc , it was also a 60th birthday . She paid for everybody. Who on their right mind demand people to behave this way and expect them to take time from their kids and have to pay and gift stuff on top of everything

Who does she think she is,The Queen of Sheba,totally over the top.

What does your DH think?
Whole thing is utterly ridiculous but I guess she knows yous can afford it so you will be expected to attend and comply.
I mean who are you going to pay to leave your kids with all weekend? I would never leave them with a stranger or rent a nanny or is that something that people actually do 🤷‍♀️

I’d say something like “I can’t arrange childcare, I’ll stay home, husband can go along”.

This - This is ott, it's a birthday, she's not getting married; if she expects people to spend 2 nights in an expensive hotel, plus expensive meal perhaps she should pay also you may not want to be away from your children for 2 nights, totally unreasonable.

Just decline politely. Who says families have to go along with all this sh☆t. I'm 60 later this year. I'm having a peaceful W/E in Snowdonia with my daughter (she's paying for the Air B & B) & my dogs. Plus a girls only lunch at a local hotel a few days later. (I'm paying) Why make all the fuss, drama & expense? Times are hard!

Well, this. It sounds completely mad.
There has been a massive inflationary uplift to weddings so they are huge events. Probably the marriage itself still last less time than when it was yous, family and friends in a church hall or something.
It doesn't sound like you will, but I would work out what you can do without completely inconveniencing your own family, explain to the about-to-be 60 year old, and do that.
Perhaps show your DH these responses? He might think his mother is being normal

This. It sounds like a big wedding weekend instead of a birthday. I was obviously a cheap date as I went to the Harry Potter experience with my daughters and a separate meal out for my 60th!

It was my 60th last September and we had 25-30 family and friends round for a buffet and drinks and had the best time. My extravagance was getting caterers to do the buffet 🤣

Very good point.

If you conclude going is the least worst option, then your next big birthday:

• Book a holiday home in a place you’ve always wanted to go
• Tell DH’s family they’re coming
• Charge them £280pn per room
• Charge them £95pp for groceries
• Tell them the dress code is 80s roller disco
• Provide them with a John Lewis gift list
• Get them to babysit while you and DH go out for a lovely meal and a lie in the next morning.

How could they object?

Wow, I cant imagine spending or expecting guests to be spending that kind of money for a big birthday. My MIL had her 70th and we did spend a fair bit as a family, but more because her children had organised a surprise party in her home town and in order to surprise her we all had to fly in from different countries and book Airbnb. We did have time for ourselves though and it was a fleeting weekend break. Our family big birthdays are a lot more economical and generally involve bring and share/ barbecues at one person's house and everyone else staying overnight nearby or going home at the end of the night. No less fun. I think your MIL must be a bit of a diva if she thinks this much expense and this long away from your kids is reasonable. I would definitely be sending DH alone to at least most of it on the grounds of difficulty getting childcare for a whole weekend.

Yeah, the issue here that is if you want a big fancy country house weekend away and invite your nearest and dearest then you book out the accommodation and host them. You don’t ask them for £1k each. Your MIL is wanting something she can’t afford.

Definitely wear the dress you already have too, the only reason she didn't think it was suitable is it she thinks you will look nicer and younger than her.
If she ask tell you have bought something else but on the day you changed your mind.

Glad kids now allowed

its a lot to ask someone to have kids for 48hrs +

if you can afford it then go and now kids can go even better

bur yes sounds a lot of effort for a birthday
and ouch at cost of hotel per night

For my 60th, I went to a matinee with son where we sneaked in fizzy wine, followed by a takeaway. It was fab. Each to their own, but would hate the hoo-ha your in-law has organised. Choose what you want to do, not what is ‘expected’ of you.

Look odd to whom? The same people who know full well that you have young children?

I can’t believe you have to pay for your own dinner !
Are you sure that’s correct OP?
Or is it maybe a charity type birthday dinner ?

I’d be so embarrassed to be chatting to her ‘invited’ guests on the Saturday night knowing they must think your family has brazenly asked for them to pay for their own dinner. I can’t come to terms with that sort of ‘invitation’ at all. Is it normal in wealthy families to be so mean and entitled ?
I would find that really awkward and don’t blame you for being upset about it.

I would be more inclined to let your DH go on his own and then just take your children to the Sunday brunch to celebrate grandma’s birthday.
I think that far from ruining the ambience, the children would enhance it and bring a bit of real-life normality to the weekend….especially if you let them choose and wrap their own gifts for grandma and bring a bunch of balloons and a sainsburys birthday cake.

YANBU. It’s more than most close family weddings expect!

And how the other half lives: minimum spend of £750 per couple (£560 for room for minimum two nights plus £95pp for dinner!), plus travel, outfits, gift!!

She sounds a nightmare and your DH weak.

It’s her approach that’s the problem: demanding and expecting rather than asking what you think. If she wants you there for the entire weekend, she should pay for the hotel. Or, better still, sound out the family first about what’d work best for them. Renting a lovely big house and getting in caterers/going out for meal could be much better for an extended family that includes young kids.

She shouldn’t be getting you to help organise her birthday weekend when you have kids aged 7 and 4. She should get one of her own kids to do it, such as your DH. Or employ someone if she’s so minted.

Can’t DH go on his own if MIL’s not bothered about the kids being there? If that’d cause problems with her or your DH, you have a problem.

Totally agree with this. If you're paying so much to be there as a guest, no way should you be doing any work for her that weekend. Just knock back that vintage champagne for free & be incapable of being 'so organised' (was it?).

Oh, & feel free to arrange with someone in the other family to swop seats so you & they sit with their own family. Don't tell MIL, just do it.

Jesus are they millionaire celebrities?! All very extravagant!!

This!!! You do not “invite” people to a party or celebration and ask them to pay… Ever!!! A group of friends or family agreeing to go out to dinner together for something is the only scenario in which this is acceptable.

That would be OTT for a wedding....