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Original poster

AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

590 replies

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:05

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 16/04/2026 19:13

Happyharper · 16/04/2026 19:00

Wow she's so young for a grandma with a 7 year old ! Aside you are totally not being unreasonable that's insane!

Gave birth to a son at 25, son had a son at 28 amd is now 35. Nothing out of the ordinary?

Rainbowdottie · 16/04/2026 19:12

As a woman not too far in distance of age and as a mum and grandma, my first impression is ,did this woman not have a wedding? It sounds like she’s really thrown herself into this. No small children, coordinating outfits etc…it’s very wedding like.

on the other hand you said you could afford it, your children can be looked after, drinks will be covered by the ILs. It sounds that you just don’t like the control aspect of it, which I think you’ve confirmed.

I think it depends on how you feel about your mil and in-laws I guess. If we could have afforded to go and I wasn’t worried about childcare…and my mil had come with this, I would have loved every moment. A chance to have a kids free weekend and enjoy the celebrations. But then I liked my mil and would have happily supported her.

im guessing that you don’t like yours and you’re not going to enjoy it. Then there’s your answer really. I guess you could make some excuse that your mum can only babysit the Saturday night and that’s all you can do.

the only criticism I have if the woman really is leaving out her grandchildren, is she having a another family do where they’re involved. I couldn’t bear to leave my grandchildren out, I’d rather go without than not celebrate with my grandchildren, but that’s just me, we’re all different.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/04/2026 19:12

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. I’d say no thanks on childcare grounds, and send my dh.

If she wants such a flash, expensive do, IMO she should be paying for immediate family anyway.
In any case, not everybody by any means can find childcare for that length of time, regardless of cost. And who’d want their children with a paid stranger for so long anyway? Personally I only ever did it for an evening.

DappledThings · 16/04/2026 19:12

The meal bit isn’t too bad. Insisting on everyone staying too nights is a bit shit. Demanding a dress code is ridiculous and is the bit that would tip me over the edge. I'd be laughing at that. It's so crass to demand a dress code anyway.

CarrotSeeds · 16/04/2026 19:12

Ha! it’s my sixtieth soon and we have asked the kids (WITH grandchildren!) over for tea and cake. Maybe I should have a rethink ………. 🤔😂

NettleTea · 16/04/2026 19:11

wow, its my 60th in July and Im not sure Im even going to be doing anything!

Original poster
CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 19:11

I do think I might have a quiet word with FIL about the children side of things, as he’s already said he doesn’t really see why they can’t be included, so it may be there’s a bit of room for compromise there.

OP posts:
Original poster
CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 19:11

It’s being framed as a big “family” celebration, but then the grandchildren aren’t included at all, which feels a bit contradictory.

DH is very close to his mum and tends to see things very much from her perspective, particularly as he’s grown up around this sort of thing, so to him it all feels quite normal and worth doing. I think that’s partly why I’m finding it harder to land on what’s reasonable, because I can see both sides of it.

If it was clearly just an adults-only evening that would be one thing, but a whole weekend built around family and then needing to arrange childcare (and quite a lot of logistics around that) does make it feel more complicated than it probably needs to be.

I don’t want to make it into a big issue, but equally I’m not sure it’s unreasonable to question whether there might have been a slightly more inclusive or flexible way to do it.

OP posts:
JazzyAmbs · 16/04/2026 19:11

She wants you to pay for dinner at an event like this? She’s a fucking cheapskate chancer trying to make herself look posh via the venue. Are all her friends to pay for themselves as well? As for “immediate family” that would be grandchildren then no? She sounds a bloody nightmare.

Imdunfer · 16/04/2026 19:10

Untailored · 16/04/2026 19:08

Honestly OP, just go and do the thing and have a drink. Anything else will just cause a load of drama and it’s just not worth it to simply make a point, which is essentially what you’d be doing.

Edited

Mmmmm. Old people tend to get more demanding as they age ......

NotAtMyAge · 16/04/2026 19:09

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:10

We’re not struggling financially, and we do go away fairly regularly as a family, so it’s not that we can’t afford it.

I think what’s bothering me more is the expectation element. It’s all been presented as a given rather than something we might opt into or out of.

Also (and I didn’t put this in the OP as I didn’t want to overcomplicate it), MIL has said she’d ideally like “immediate family there for everything” as it will “look odd” in photos otherwise, which did make it feel slightly less optional.

A few have suggested just going for one night, but that doesn’t seem to be how it’s been framed — it’s very much a full weekend thing.

I completely accept it’s her birthday and she can celebrate however she likes, I think I’m just a bit taken aback by how much has effectively been decided on our behalf.

I completely accept it’s her birthday and she can celebrate however she likes, I think I’m just a bit taken aback by how much has effectively been decided on our behalf.

Of course you can celebrate how you like if you're paying for it all, but I think to put a sizeable financial obligation on so many people for a whole weekend of birthday celebration is quite honestly totally outrageous and deeply narcissistic.

Imdunfer · 16/04/2026 19:09

Imdunfer · 16/04/2026 18:58

Coffee family only?

I would refuse to go without her grandchildren.

Should say close not coffee!

Seashor · 16/04/2026 19:09

I did an event at a hotel for my husband’s big birthday. I picked up the bill for EVERYTHING! Rooms, drinks, meals, the lot. Our guests paid nothing.
Your mother in law is out of order.

Untailored · 16/04/2026 19:08

Honestly OP, just go and do the thing and have a drink. Anything else will just cause a load of drama and it’s just not worth it to simply make a point, which is essentially what you’d be doing.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/04/2026 19:08

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:57

if it was just me I probably would simplify it.

I think part of the difficulty is that it would create quite a bit of friction if we didn’t attend as expected. DH is very much of the view that we should just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace, particularly as it’s a milestone birthday.

I suspect we’ll end up going, I’m just trying to work out what feels reasonable in terms of how much we commit to.

Edited

Love how DH want to keep the peace with his mother and not the person who he's been married to for 20 years and has children with. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. This is how tyrants rule.

OriginalUsername2 · 16/04/2026 19:05

This sounds like the sort of thing a family might organise as a surprise for someone particularly spectacular who was maybe dying or leaving the country for good, not something you dream up for yourself.

I love how she’s told her son he’ll be making a speech - presumably about how wonderful she is?

To your point, yes it is quite presumptuous to tell you that’s what you’ll be doing and spending for an entire weekend. If it were me I’d just do the Saturday night and say I’m not making my mum look after my DC’s for an entire weekend.

Allthegoodhorses · 16/04/2026 19:05

DontReplyAll · 16/04/2026 18:38

She like things “done properly” but she’s expecting her 100 guests to pay for dinner?!

I’m embarrassed on her behalf.

This. In spades

365RubyRed · 16/04/2026 19:04

She sounds like a nightmare, didn't she have a big party when she turned 21 or got married? Has she missed out on these kind of events? It's a 60th birthday, why should people be making speeches? Why doesn't she count grandchildren as immediate family? Good grief. Her behaviour is unbelievable and her family aren't telling her to stop this nonsense.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/04/2026 19:02

Personally I'd frame it with two options. It's a huge expense and time commitment. With childcare and travelling on top.

  1. You join DH on Saturday afternoon and leave on Sunday am to pick up the kids. You'll still get caught for a hotel room for two nights unless he has a sibling he can share with.
  2. You all go for the weekend, the kids come too and join in the formal dinner or have an early dinner and a hotel babysitter and you book a room that has a sofa bed for them.

Presumably if you both do the whole thing someone also has to take a half day on Friday to take the kids to your mums.

It might not go down well. So what? 😏

openended · 16/04/2026 19:02

It very much sounds like the only reason you don't want to go is because you feel dictated to. It is a milestone birthday and she wants her family to celebrate with her, you've already said you go away a lot and can afford it so I think you are being unreasonable. However, I must admit I would likely feel the same as I'm not keen on being told where I must spend my time or money. So I do appreciate where you are coming from.

My mum is turning 60 and we aren't doing anything as nearly extravagant but then none of us would be spending £1k on a 3 day break anyway so it just wouldn't be an expectation here. My mum would choose having her grandchildren present over me!

If you don't go for the full weekend there will likely be a fall out. If you can cope with that then fair enough, don't go.

Whenthemorningcomes · 16/04/2026 19:01

Tell her you are happy to attend, and in reciprocation will be expecting that for your half-birthday she comes to clean your oven while paying for you to go to a spa.

CowTown · 16/04/2026 19:00

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:52

From what I understand, not everyone is staying for the full dinner — quite a few are just coming for drinks around and after it.

The £95 is for the formal sit-down dinner itself, so I think it’s really only those opting into that part who are paying it.

Show quote history

At an event like this, the host pays for the meal. It’s like inviting people to your wedding and asking them for £95 per head for the meal.

Happyharper · 16/04/2026 19:00

Wow she's so young for a grandma with a 7 year old ! Aside you are totally not being unreasonable that's insane!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/04/2026 19:00

CotswoldConundrum · 16/04/2026 18:57

if it was just me I probably would simplify it.

I think part of the difficulty is that it would create quite a bit of friction if we didn’t attend as expected. DH is very much of the view that we should just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace, particularly as it’s a milestone birthday.

I suspect we’ll end up going, I’m just trying to work out what feels reasonable in terms of how much we commit to.

Edited

Then I think, in the wonderful words of Mumsnet that 'you have a DH problem'.

Notquitethetruth · 16/04/2026 18:59

But she's not having immediate family there if she is excluding her grandchildren! They are more immediate in terms of blood than you are. Call her out.