Staying in touch with adult children

I worry ds2 will be like this as he has selective mutism and doesn't talk much. With ds1 he has autism and I do a "photo of the day" for him where I take a photo a day and send it to him. He likes to be prepared of any changes when he comes home from university so it's a nice way of keeping him up to date with things at home.

This would crush me. I speak to my older daughters on a daily basis. Their choice, not mine. Every few days would do me. But months! That’s sad.

I can honestly say that once I moved away from the city of my birth I forgot about my family for weeks/months on end

I sometimes think I inhabit a different universe from some on MN because this is not normal. And this:

Don't ask him to speak on Mother's Day or your birthday, that's putting on pressure

is just ridiculous.

The son sounds like a thoughtless little shit rather than the independent young man some are saying he is.

@TheDogBartholomew but if it is special to mum why wouldn’t you at least acknowledge it with a text or a phone call

Mother's Day in the UK has its origins in the 16th century custom of 'Mothering Sunday', which fell on the fourth Sunday of Lent.

I don’t call a tradition that originated in the 16th century ‘made up nonsense’

I disagree. In my view, Mothers' Day is made-up nonsense. I can't speak for the OP's son, but I would be backing off from anyone who expected me to take it seriously. Let him contact you when he feels moved to do so, not because of some arbitrary date on the calendar.

@BatchCookBabe I've explained to DD that if I text her and don't hear back within about 48 hours, I'll be slightly worried. Just a one-word answer or "I'm really busy" lets me know that she's OK. I don't consider that to be "pressure" or an imposition, and she'd expect the same from me. We don't need to have regular lengthy chats unless she feels like it, but a quick text takes seconds.

I don't see anything wrong with some mutual respect/ courtesy.

@HideousKinky I agree that people tend to become more family-oriented as they get into their 30's, but I think it's best to keep making the effort as you really don't know what the future holds. My Mum died when I was in my 20's and I'm so glad that I kept in weekly contact and visited. Not everyone is given time to reconnect later. I'd give alot to have a five-minute chat with her now.

This is one of the most depressing and sad posts I have ever seen on here. I know young adults need to 'launch' and find their own way in life, and become independent, but forgetting about your family/parents for 'months on end' is deeply depressing. I don't know anyone (personally) who is like this, unless they have a completely broken relationship and have gone no-contact. Just not being arsed because you've got your own life is just awful.

My 2 DC - in their late 20s - are successful, well-educated, busy young professionals (who live 15-18 miles way,) and they have busy lives and hobbies and friends, but the idea of no contact because they CBA is unconscionable. Neither them or DH and I recognise this as anything we would ever do. (We see our DC 2-3 times a month, and speak via whatsapp most days.)

Never think about them unless they contact you? Wow!

And if they don't contact you, what would you do? Just forget they exist? Out of sight out of mind???

Baffled.

@TessaBessa YANBU, and it is very sad that your son is making so little effort. I know this is JMO, but I'm afraid I would withdraw and stop making so much effort. If a son CBA to contact/speak to his own mother, it's a sorry state of affairs. He should be showing you much more attention and thought. He'll be sorry when you're gone. Genuinely shoddy behaviour IMO. I know everyone is different/all families are different, but I find it batshit that some adult children DGAF about their parents. (When there has been no abuse of course...)

As I said, they'll be sorry when their parents are gone.

Yes but we have brought them up completely different to how we were raised.

I'm surprised how people can do this to loving caring parents. I used to have anger and resentment towards mine. A few years ago, I just realised how much they've supported me all through my life and all that anger went away.

@FlyingApple will you want communication with your adult DC?

You should be glad that your son has successfully launched ...
I do not think there is any should about it.
You feel what you feel and that's OK. There is a mismatch between your needs here and it is causing you pain. You can only keep making contact in a low key and friendly way.
I do think there is some truth in the idea that girls make more effort to stay in touch with their families than boys.

Me and my DH are like this with our families. We just have nothing in common. We're not really a fan of them and we're happy in our own lives and with our own kids.
I would say though that we both had unpleasant childhoods to say the least.

That awful saying shouldn’t be accepted. Surely borne from the expectation that communication is wife work.

Communication between generations should be modelled at home, and then basic expectations laid down. Not expecting a phone call/message on Mother’s Day (if you celebrate that) is a basic expectation to me

It’s a saying but that doesn’t make it true

As others have suggested set up a family WhatsApp group and include his partner. We did this and everyone sends messages with snippets of news, photos etc.

I have two sons one of whom lives overseas. We maybe video call each other other once a month or so just depending on time difference. My youngest lives 30 minutes away. We very rarely call but do see him regularly.

How old is your son?
I have 3 daughters and my experience is that they go off out into the world in their 20s and you see less of them, but as they get into their 30s and beyond they tend to become more family orientated again

I agree @saraclara. Tbh, I think it's fine to have some expectations regarding contact.

When I first moved away in my 20's, my Mum told me that she expected a weekly phone call and we stuck to that unless one of us was away as we only had landlines then. I didn't feel under pressure at all, it was a good way of keeping in touch. Nowadays it's easier to text, that's what I mainly do with DD (20) and we chat whenever she feels like it.

Yes jolly is much better approach! These days I prefer the occasional WA with my Mum, mainly to avoid the complaining, gossip and occasional TMI. I do call at special occasions though.

I would find it hurtful if DS did this, and it should not just be accepted as a boy thing. We encourage communication with him whilst he is at uni, but don’t go overboard with it

DH has at least weekly contact with his DM. But I will also message her independently. Do you have a relationship with his partner?

Good heavens that is very sad. I assume you don't have children yourself?
You never stop being a parent. It doesn't matter how old your children are.
I am very pleased my adult children don't have your attitude.
OP I think you should just keep sending him bright and breezy friendly whats App messages. Invite him to visit, ask him if he would like you to visit him etc. don't put too much pressure on him but keep up the contact.

Have you got family WhatsApp? Do you have a family pet, picture of them can sometimes initiate a chat.

Not all boys. I have regularly contact with my son as my husband did with his mother

My ds & I aren’t keen on phone calls so we text sporadically but it’s definitely me that sends more!
We’ve got a shared love of music/gigs so I tend to focus on that and we send each other clips etc - do you have anything specific in common with your son?

I think someone else mentioned his partner? Sounds like a very established relationship, do you not have a friendship with her? I have really made an effort to get to know my son’s girlfriend and arrange to visit them both, take them out etc I now text her as well as him and we get on well and have started buying Christmas & birthday gifts etc for one another.