Staying in touch with adult children

talk about some people setting the bar low on here.
Telling OP it's a man thing, she should chase him. It's dreadful. That's his mum, the one who gave birth to him and loved him. Wiped his grazed knee and dried his tears as a child and more than likely put him before herself on alot of occasions.

If he can't be bothered to ever contact her it shows the sort of person he is. He is failing miserably as a son and he doesn't deserve her.

You can see why there are some really shit men who do nothing for their partners for their birthdays etc.

Surely you teach your DC that mum likes to be treated on Mother's Day, in the same way it is nice to have a treat on your birthday. That is not putting pressure on them, that is teaching them common decency and manners. Obviously if you think Mother's Day is a pile of commercial crap then you don't have to teach them that. It is also important that you treat them decently throughout the year too, not just on that day, and that can include regular communication.

I agree with what some pp have said about, 'out of sight, out of mind'. The fact that he is friendly when you do speak, to me, indicates it's not that he doen't want contact, it just doesn't cross his mind and if there no set purpose to talk the chat won't last long.

I do think this tendency is more commom amongst men. (Not all men and not just men, but more likely.)

My husband was like this when we got together in our early 30s. His dad had a quiet word about phoning more regularly. He has got a lot better since we had children and calls once a week.

My brother is also pretty rubbish at ever being in touch with my parents and me. When I raised it once he was genuinely surprised he hadn't spoken to any of us for months.

I think the approach of 'I'd love a bit more regular contact rather than why don't you contact me' is a good suggestion. Can we have day/time whem we do check in and/or setting up a family whatsapp.

Cld one of the siblings have a word too? I've spoken to my brother about making more effort with our parents, esp as they're not in such good health now and to be fair he has. Probably not hugely protracted conversations, but he does check in more.

From your post it sounds like you're being considerate and don't want to be overbearing, but wanting regular contact with your adult children isn't at all unreasonable - assuming a healthy background and no legitimate reasons for LC or NC - but you might have to spell it out more. Good luck.

@saraclara that must be why mine is so good 🤣

In my experience, gay men make the most communicative and openly caring sons!

That's based on two sons whose parents are my friends, and two gay male friends. The sons of my friends spoil them rotten, and the guys who are my friends talk about their mums with so much love, and pop in to see them almost every day!

They all have partners who are equally positive about their mums in law. No DIL equivalent issues here!

So if I was planning on having kids now, I'd order at least one gay son 😅

If I ever moved abroad I'd still call and be in touch with my parents.

My mum moved abroad and would do one call a week.

it's definitely not. boy thing.
He doesn't sound like a kind living son.
A mother shouldn't have to ask if she can speak to her son on mother's day and be told he's going out wow.
He better hope he doesn't have children and they don't do the same thing to him.

Suggesting it's a boy thing is an awful stereotype.
let him come to you now op.

I think that asking for a call on a birthday is pressure. Hoping for or expecting a call is fair enough, but if someone has shown by past behaviour that they don't think of doing it, and are therefore likely to forget in future, you are setting them up to fail and setting yourself up for disappointment.

He's probably just not organised or thoughtful. You'll have to do all the running. Say you want to make plans to meet and get actual dates off him for a regular lunch or something.

The poster is bang on.
I moved to another country, also raised in 1980s.
OP's son would have credible reasons, don't worry.

Your son still loves you and your family. I think he trusts you so much that he feels it’s okay not to contact you for a while unless there is news to share.
My mum and I are very close, but I only call her once a month—twice at most as we are both busy with our lives.
I have a full-time job, a family with a primary school-aged child, my child’s extracurricular activities, and I'm studying for qualifications. Between that and going out as a family or catching up with friends on weekends, it takes up much more time than you might imagine.

My in-laws are trying to force a connection with my DH. They try to make us feel guilty for not contacting or meeting them more often (even if it's only been two weeks). Since they are retired and have no friends or hobbies, they might be focusing all their thoughts on their son. To be honest, they should find something to keep themselves busy.

It is. Like why do you have to ask? I'd feel pathetic having to ask. I'd feel pressured if I was asked. He either wants to give a call on mother's day or he does not. Both is to be accepted. I'd ask myself why he wouldn't want to speak to me. And I'd ask myself why I would not want to speak to my mother on mother's day.

The relationship should be easy. It should feel easy wanting to wish your mum a nice day on mother's day, not because she asked.

Gosh. Asking for a call on birthday and Mother’s Day is pressure? It’s 2 days a year. My male cousins even manage to call me on my birthday without asking.

Set up a family watts app and use that as a way of communicating without the pressure. That's what we have done with our kids and we also have separate ones with our extended family. Its not always serious convos' we post memes and jokes, recipes we would think the other would like. It keeps it informal and keeps us connected. If there was anything more serious that needed a one to one conversation then we would message or call individually.

Don't make it a chore otherwise you will push him further away from you.

Most of my partners in the past have been like this with their parents.They have needed prompting to contact their parents. It's not that they haven't loved them, they just seem to expect to be contacted and not to make contact themselves. I don't want to say "it's a man thing" because my DH is a bit more proactive with his parents. But...I don't know many women who will "forget" to talk to parents for months on end.

@Twatalert I don't think it's weird to be concerned about a 20-year-old if they don't respond to a text within a couple of days. We all have our phones on us, and it takes seconds to text.

Yes, she'll feel an obligation and what's wrong with that? She's a three-hour plane ride away, I've explained my reasons to her, and she's accepted them. We have a close relationship, and she def. tells me if she disagrees with me on something! She doesn't have an issue with this so we're fine.

My elderly Dad likes me to ring him most days - that's also an obligation, but I've agreed to it, so that's OK too. Some parents seem almost afraid to ask their adult children to do anything now, I don't think that's particularly healthy tbh.

@Screamingabdabz but is that partly as parents we excuse boys from communicating (even if we are doing that unconsciously)

Whatsapp is great if phone calls aren’t your thing.

DS is at uni, and we wanted him to live his life and not feel he had to communicate in detail every day but we did want to hear from him reasonably regularly. It is very rare if we don’t have a daily message on the family WhatsApp, even if it is just ‘hi’. We also chat about tv programs we all watch like The Apprentice, send silly reels etc to help keep lines of communication open. We also have a weekly video call whenever it fits in with him.

He has a GF so we know we have moved down the pecking order, but he still communicates with us. He knows things like Mother’s Day is important to me so will send a card and little gift. Don’t expect him to come back from uni though. Interestingly he had to remind his GF when Mother’s Day was!

He also communicates independently with other relatives.

Hopefully, with these roots in place this will continue as he moves on with life

I agree with you. The relationship should be easy, not pressured. If he doesn't call on mother's day or any other time take this as an opportunity to reflect when the relationship truly broke down.

There is a theory that parents fail to change the relationship with their male children when they are teenagers into adulthood because of stereotypes and sons do then not keep in contact as much as adults.

Why do you have to rely on courtesy ? Its your anxiety/insecurity speaking. It is nobody else's job to ease that, especially not your daughter's. It is weird having to be in contact within 48hrs. I bet your daughter feels an obligation.

Do you have the funds to suggest a night away you / your husband him and his partner? Dinner and sight seeing….

My brothers rarely contact unless its a topic that interests them. I set up a group chat where we just post silly things we see out and about - funny signs, weird flavour foods etc which is a low pressure way of keeping in contact without actually having to communicate more than putting a reaction on a picture. I hate phone calls. My Dad is very out of sight out of mind and we can go months without talking but he'll always reply if I message him first and I send occasional photos of the kids etc. He'll usually video call on the kids birthdays (though has forgotten mine at least once!)

I'd accept that phone calls aren't his thing and he wants space but you can message once a week or so just a funny photo or general "hope your week went well" sort of thing that doesn't require a reply but shows you care.

I don’t know why people say this.

Of course it’s not ‘true’ for every son, but it’s certainly a pattern that’s very recognisable in many families.

I think start small and text the odd time and build up to a call if he feels overwhelmed by it all.

It is poor form not to call your own mum on Mother’s Day though, but telling him may push him away.

My DH though is average effort with his mum but could be better with visiting her more (even could take DC with him), and not relying on me to always attend too. He sticks with texting her most days of the week and the odd call occasionally. We all see each other every few weeks for a visit.

My family is the opposite though and would send out a search party if it was more than two weeks between visits. We also text during this time.

You sound like such a lovely Mum @TessaBessa. I agree with everyone that you make an effort to keep in touch in an easy and relaxed way. There is so much pressure by society and on MN in particular for men to become more optionally available. It is in every one’s interests to ensure men retain their core relationships and become empathetic to the needs of those they profess to care about. It is important that your son recognises this and treats you properly.
I hope you have lovely friends, OP, who appreciate you. . You deserve much more.

I think you just have a rude son. That stupid saying is so wrong. I have 4 sons and in the end I end up saying, sorry got to go when on the phone , someones trying to ring me, and it will be another one of them.