To say we cant take his child full time?

The more OP wrote throughout the day the more chaotic I see the situation is.

A father of 3 her of her kids, but they are so on-off he's not on the tenancy and only lived in properly a year ago (but somehow they made 3 children on the previous 9 years).

The setup is absolutely overcrowded, with or without the stepson moving in. There doesn't seem to be room for anyone to have space or privacy. I generally don't have an issue with kids sharing but the toddler basically has nowhere to go... and the stepson sleeps on a couch so doesn't even have an actual bed to call his own.

I understand he "takes" your children full-time? Did you give him a chance to say no? I think it's time you accept he had a child before knowing you. A young boy who obviously wants to be with his father and maybe even with your children, about the same age if I read well? How would yoú feel if your husband started to comment the children you had with another man always being there?

Here's how you do it:

Option A:
You and your DP have a proper conversation with his SS14 and get to the bottom of why he wants to move in. Talk about the reality of a lot of humans all living in a very tight, cramped space. Talk about the need for him to change schools, make new friends (at this critical age for education), need to work out the logistics of studying, etc. He'll be going from a family unit of 2 to 7 - crazy that he wants to do this! If he's adamant, explore asking your local authority for a larger house (whilst explaining to SS it's not yet a yes: logistics need to be explored).

Option B:
Could be that he increases the number of nights pw, rather than permanently, with the view of maybe modifying arrangements in the coming years (ie if your eldest DS moves out at 18).

In any case, you need to explore a proper bed for him: could you do a bunk bed and then single bed in one of the rooms?

I wouldn’t agree to it. There is clearly not enough room and it isn’t fair. He has a place to live with his mum and if they aren’t getting on then they need to sort it out.

You are taking an awful amount of abuse because of the information you left out in your original post.

Namely, the Council House tenancy is in your name. It has three bedrooms, the ages of your own children and whether boy or girl.

You also failed to mention how long you have been together and whether he left his previous partner for you or not. The latter is relevant because otherwise how come he does not have his own place which could accommodate his Son in his own bedroom.

It sounds very much like your partner expects you and your children to accommodate him and his son. That is not acceptable as I am pretty sure all of you would be sidelined eventually.

Keep your house safe for your own children and tell your partner to find his own accommodation. Does he really bring that much value to the life of your kids and you that you would put yourself in such a precarious position for the future.

He is the one who said it will all work out without doing any of the work involved. Even with the biggest of hearts you will get overwhelmed as he clearly is not showing any kind of ownership of anything.

Do not be sweet talked and stick to what your gut is telling you. You will soon find out what he is made of.

Maybe actually read the thread or at least @DuvetInTheDaytime posts

you would then know the answer to all these questions

Whats the home set up?

How many rooms, how many DC? Are the other kids yours with DH?

What does DSS want?

@DuvetInTheDaytimeis dad working? Are u working? This sets up the dynamics. If he is ft working and u are a sahm then you do the lions share at home so you absolutely have the write to say I cannot cope with another. If he is SAH and you work full time that’s slightly different.

That sounds like a great idea than he can live with his son!

You need to apply to the council for a larger property with all these children, 7 between the 2 of you.

This - what's the reason why your DSS wants to move in with you permanently ? He is unhappy at home, what is age ?

It all sounds very busy and full, so I guess if you say yes to him staying more he might change his mind once he realises the reality of it. I’d be concerned that he doesn’t seem to have a good base for GCSE’s which presumably are coming up.

Partner is being unreasonable to be living somewhere that his own son doesn’t even have a proper bed in because he had the misfortune of being a child of divorce/split and is now playing second fiddle to your kids. I would never consider not having a space for my own child in their home.

As a responsible parent why would your partner be expected to not want hisbson to live with him? Your children live with you. If you don't like it then your partner should move out and do what he needs to do for his son.

YABU. Your DP’s son should absolutely be able to be with him full time. If, as you say this cannot work in practice then your DP must move out. You both need to prioritize your own children.

My MIL and her husband did something similar. They moved into a 2-bed LA property with 2 boys and then had 2 girls.

They divided the bigger bedroom into 2, had the boys in one bit and the girls in the other (all in bunk beds) and the adults slept in the smaller bedroom. It meant the boys had to walk through the girls' room to get to their own, but the age gap between the younger boy and older girl was around 6 years, and the boys both moved out at 18, so it wasn't cramped for all that long.

I also wondered if it might be possible for the OP to use one of the downstairs rooms as another bedroom.

Hi @DuvetInTheDaytime i know you may not read this but I totally get where you’re coming from.

Where is he going to go if he moves in full time?

Also, sounds like generally your DP needs to step up and do more practical parenting.

If his DS is trying to move there because he is not getting along with his Mum, it may not be the right thing - if he is playing her up and she is trying to be firm, then it is better he stays there rather than you and his Dad helping him out to avoid that. Do you get on well enough with her to talk about how you can support her to parent? Does she want him to come to you for a bit?

Living in what may be chaos more than a couple of nights might just send him back to his Mum anyway.

But it does sound like you need to reset DP’s contribution as I am sure doing as much as you do is going to cause resentment on your side. Also, the boys need to step up too and learn that a woman’s role isn’t restricted to running around after men! Get the older ones changing their bed linen, washing up and everything they need to learn in order to be independent.

That's a very full house already and the 14yo sleeping on the sofa or sharing with non bio brothers is not a long term solution. The older boys will all need space to study and relax, its a crucial age. You're not being unreasonable in asking "how would we realistically make this work?" Also, the boys mother would probably not be pleased, so unless her home is even less suitable she is not going to agree.

Six kids?

how many kids at his mums? How bad is it there rhat he want to live in your overcrowded council house?

poor kid!

This. I wouldn't allow anyone to tell my DC couldn't live with me. Would you allow your partner to tell you your DC couldn't live with you OP? If not then you have no right to tell him his child can't live with him.

I think your house may already be "officially" overcrowded, OP, and if it isn't, it probably will be once your oldest is 16 and therefore entitled to their own bedroom.

In an ideal world, of course you and your DP should be able to accommodate his son, but we're not in that world, sadly. Have you considered applying to the council for a transfer to a bigger property? If not, it would be worth looking into.

As things stand though, I really can't see that it's feasible to add another child into such a crowded home.

I said most working parents do not that everyone gets it. UC replaced the working families tax credits and child tax credits that unless people earned too much were entitled to those if they have kids

@sittingonabeach was literally just answering the questions posed by Lousie k93.. there's no reason for you to be getting at her. She literally didn't even have an opinon in that post

There is genuinely not space for him to move in full time. DD is 2 and will need own room soon and no space for that either.

And?! That’s on them, this son already existed and certainly wasn’t the one who decided to have too many kids than they could fit in their house.