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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

767 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:
HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:07

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:06

😆

when you have three kids with someone… I’d say your house / my house becomes somewhat daft!

Honestly - imagine being the neighbours! The noise, the fighting, the carnage.

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Why is it daft? Her name is on the tenancy.

Roads · 14/04/2026 19:07

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:04

Turn back the clock for the OP then.

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No one is saying that obviously they can't now they've added even more children into the already crowded situation but there's no reason for them to live together. He wasn't living there full time until a year ago anyway so the only sensible plan is to have two houses. At least then all the children would have a bed.

SpainToday · 14/04/2026 19:07

Sorry but yabu.
Why do your kids trump his for residency status?

Because it’s the OP’s house?

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:06

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:05

It is her house - she can say whatever she wants.

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😆

when you have three kids with someone… I’d say your house / my house becomes somewhat daft!

Honestly - imagine being the neighbours! The noise, the fighting, the carnage.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:06

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 19:05

🙄 the poor stepson doesn't even have a bed in their house!

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How is he is supposed to have a bed in a house with 3 bedrooms and 7 people?🙄

Tacohill · 14/04/2026 19:06

Why would you have 3 more kids when you can’t house the ones you’ve got?

Surely you both knew that this was a possibility?
You’ve been fortunate that he only spends a couple of nights at yours as it is.

I would never move in with a partner if there wasn’t room for my teenage DC, let alone go on to have more kids.

Your other kids are just going to have to find a way to cope.
Its not their fault and as always they have to suffer from their parents crap decisions.

He’ll have to stay in the front room for now and then revisit it again in a few weeks.
Without knowing the size of the bedrooms it’s difficult to know how to make it work physically.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 14/04/2026 19:05

What a bloody shit show. You're a pair of selfish, irresponsible adults. Your poor kids. All of them.

I scratched my head trying to find a sensible solution but I genuinely can't.

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 19:05

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:04

Turn back the clock for the OP then.

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🙄 the poor stepson doesn't even have a bed in their house!

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:05

SatsumaDog · 14/04/2026 19:02

It’s his son. I’m afraid you don’t get to say no.

It is her house - she can say whatever she wants.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:04

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 18:59

They shouldn't have moved in together and had 3 more kids knowing they couldn't house all children if needed, that's the problem.

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Turn back the clock for the OP then.

AndWorseAFemale · 14/04/2026 19:03

I knew before you updated that it would turn out to be your house that you and your kids had before DP moved in.

DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it

You're right to have concerns about this. Your DP thinks it will work out because he thinks you'll knuckle under and accept responsibility for the extra child while he gets to play Heroic Dad but not really be inconvenienced.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 14/04/2026 19:03

What’s one more when you already added 3 when you knew you had no space? YABU.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 14/04/2026 19:03

That does sound like an already full house. Also with you doing pretty much everything it would be totally unfair to add to that. I'd suggest sitting down with your partner to work out his finances, if he wants his son to live with you he'll have to contribute fairly to a house move to give his son a bedroom. Also a rota etc between you for cooking/washing etc.
He may be a little less enthusiastic once he realises he will have to contribute & help more towards this new living arrangement for his son.
I hope his son manages to settle more if he does end up staying with him mum. It's important your DH explains to him properly why this might not be a good arrangement in the current home too.

ThatLilacTiger · 14/04/2026 19:02

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:28

“This child” being the child of your partner?

What are you actually quoting?

SatsumaDog · 14/04/2026 19:02

It’s his son. I’m afraid you don’t get to say no.

Doubledenim305 · 14/04/2026 19:02

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 18:45

ok trying to answer properly as people keep asking same things

weve been together on and off about 10 years not all living together that whole time though

he moved in properly about just over a year ago before that it was more staying alot but not full time if that makes sense

children ages are

DS15 (mine)
DS12 (mine)
SS14 (his)
DS9 (ours)
DS6 (ours)
DD2 (ours)

so yes there is already alot of boys which is part of the issue with fighting/noise etc and adding another teen boy full time I dont see how that helps anything

people saying im hiding numbers im not trying to I just didnt think it mattered that much at first but clearly it does

bedrooms are

me DP and toddler in one

2 older boys share (they already argue loads about space)

2 younger boys share

when SS stays he either goes on sofa or squeezes in which already causes issues so I dont get how full time would suddenly be ok

DP does contribute but not 50/50 and no he doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it which is why im saying “it will work out” worries me because that usually means me sorting it

someone asked why SS wants to move its not anything extreme like abuse or anything like that its more hes not getting on with his mum at the moment (teenage stuff I think) but that could change again which is another thing

im not trying to say my kids matter more but they are already here settled in school etc and it does affect them if everything changes

and yes I GET he should be able to live with his dad im not saying he shouldnt im saying I dont see how it works in THIS house as it is now

people saying he should move out I mean maybe but then thats a whole other thing because we have kids together aswell so its not as simple as just “leave”

also whoever said fraud thats a bit much? hes allowed to live here im not doing anything dodgy

I just feel like everyone is acting like its really simple when it isnt in real life

I havent said no just that I need an actual plan not just “it will be fine” because it wont just magically be fine

hope that explains abit better still prob missing stuff but trying to reply while kids are going mad here 🙄

OP I am totally on your side and I totally hear you having experienced something similar.
I know and you know that if HIS son comes to live with you all then it's YOU that will be the skivvy and doing all the work associated with that decision whilst DH just enjoys having his son around. If you complain about anything then it's YOU who is shouted at, and made the villain in the whole scenario. DSS is 'just a lad' and therefore excused. DH is busy and has much lower standards so doesn't see what you are making a fuss about.
I don't have answers but Mumsnet is horrific on seeing the stepmums side and always takes the side of the kid. Fair enough it's not easy being a kid with divorced parents BUT you know it will destroy you having more mess and chaos and fighting in the house. You know it will be you who is hung out to dry in the end and nobody will give a stuff.
I hear you. I do💕
In my scenario I offered to move out. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. In the end DSS stayed with his mum and visits as before. It's manageable.
But I know u got a roasting here but I totally see where you are coming from.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2026 19:01

He has done a number hasnt he?

A home he doesnt contribute properly to, a family he doesnt contribute properly to in terms of time and a household he doesnt contribute properly to in terms of housework, food prep etc.

He will fight tooth and nail to not leave because right now he has it very cushy indeed!

This is about far more than his son, its about the fact that he has 4 kids and is acting like he doesnt have any because the Nanny with the Fanny will do it all.

I do think that you should split up but not because it would mean he could live with his son, but because it would be two less people that you would be expected to facilitate. You are doing it all on your own now as it is!

RosyDaysAhead · 14/04/2026 19:01

Looks like you already have grounds for a bigger property than you are in, but I know 4 beds are rare. Could you suggest a trial? See how it works out for a month and if it works use that to bolster your claim for a bigger home? If it doesn’t the man he may go back to his mums anyway!

Sartre · 14/04/2026 19:00

Basically you and your DP had three children together that you don’t have space nor money for, when you already had two existing children and he had one. The mind boggles.

Songbird54321 · 14/04/2026 19:00

MissRaspberryRipples · 14/04/2026 18:57

Can you not look for a bigger house together you already need a 4 bed with the 5 kids that currently live with you. Surely you can't expect your 2year old daughter to share with her parents forever? Get a 4bed or find a three bed with a second living room to make an extra bedroom(or maybe you already have an extra living room if so use it for a bedroom). You may have to rent privately as I can imagine council properties with more than three bedrooms are few and far between

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I agree. It appears you already need a bigger house regardless of whether your stepson moves in.
That many kids requires at least a 4 bed.
Maybe aim to get moved asap and then he can move in full time?
Is his mum ok with this?

DancingWithHim · 14/04/2026 19:00

Good grief. Your latest update. You are both incredibly selfish. All those poor kids. So irresponsible.

Ilovemsrachel · 14/04/2026 19:00

I’m sorry about all the judgment that you are getting here. Can you talk to the council about overcrowding? If his boy wants to be with his dad and youngest siblings then I think you need to explore the possibility of a bigger house. I think excluding his firstborn is liable to make him feel very unwanted and cause further problems down the line.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 14/04/2026 18:59

Why do people have so many kids when they cannot comfortably house and see to the needs of all of them?

If you're together 10-ish years and your eldest is 9, did you get pregnant right away? Why do that when you already had 2 very young children at the time whose needs should have been prioritised?

Why do people feel the need to have kids in every relationship? I feel so sorry for the children of these unions who have had no choice in their upbringing.

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 18:59

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:54

How can his son have a room when there are 7 people in the house already?

It is a three bedroom house.

Perhaps he can come and live with you.

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They shouldn't have moved in together and had 3 more kids knowing they couldn't house all children if needed, that's the problem.

Hereforthecommentz · 14/04/2026 18:59

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:54

How can his son have a room when there are 7 people in the house already?

It is a three bedroom house.

Perhaps he can come and live with you.

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Thats my point isn't it!! They shouldn't have had THREE more kids when they knew stepson would be coming to stay and needing space for that. So selfish.