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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

767 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:
Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:15

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 19:14

Tenancies and benefits are not related

op has not said she is on benefits

Show quote history

Yep.

“said”. Why? Because it would be benefit fraud if she admitted the truth.

but I’d put money on it this family is in receipt of a shed load of benefits and this house with her sole name on the tenancy agreement will be because of benefit fraud

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:15

Ferreroroch · 14/04/2026 19:14

I don’t know why you are eye rolling?

Sensible people DO NOT choose to have 6 children total when living in a 3 bed.

Yet another shit show. Irresponsible adults.

Show quote history

Eye rolling because it is physically impossible 🙄

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 19:15

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:14

No point saying they should have made plans a long time ago. They didn't and have to deal with the situation as it is right now.

They can't turn back time.

Stop showing yourself up !!!

Show quote history

Yeah and they're not dealing with it are they?! You're just winding various people up, grow up.

likeafishneedsabike · 14/04/2026 19:15

Roads · 14/04/2026 19:12

Well yes it's a fair comment isn't it, responsible grown ups plan properly for the future. The step son already existed prior to all these new siblings. Common sense would be to plan to have less children so they could provide a bed for all the existing children.

As it is they now have an overcrowded house and the only logical solution is for them to live separately as they did a year ago.

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Yes I suppose the father could get his own place with his son and the younger joint sons. Leaving OP with the older boys of her own and the DD. Three kids each.

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:14

likeafishneedsabike · 14/04/2026 19:13

Well, this is a mess. Even without the stepson issue, little DD has no bedroom.

If you truly cannot afford to house this large tribe of children, then you need to speak seriously to relatives. Would your parents take the eldest and give him his own room with a desk for studying his GCSEs?

This poor boy stands no chance of GCSE revision

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 19:14

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:13

So…. Benefit fraud
nice

Show quote history

Tenancies and benefits are not related

op has not said she is on benefits

Ferreroroch · 14/04/2026 19:14

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:06

How is he is supposed to have a bed in a house with 3 bedrooms and 7 people?🙄

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t know why you are eye rolling?

Sensible people DO NOT choose to have 6 children total when living in a 3 bed.

Yet another shit show. Irresponsible adults.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:14

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 19:08

You're spectacularly showing yourself up! They should have made plans for this and long time ago! I speak with experience. I had to share a room with siblings 15 and 13 years my junior up to the age of 21 (me) and it was an absolute nightmare! Because guess what, my mother and stepfather decided to have 2 kids together in a 2 bedroom house with no future planning and I just had to put up with it.

Show quote history

No point saying they should have made plans a long time ago. They didn't and have to deal with the situation as it is right now.

They can't turn back time.

Stop showing yourself up !!!

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 19:13

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 19:08

It’s a council house. Do you not think she needs to declare her DP as living there so the correct housing benefit is calculated?

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How do you know she’s even on housing benefit?!

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:13

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:07

Why is it daft? Her name is on the tenancy.

Show quote history

So…. Benefit fraud
nice

TheAquaTraybake · 14/04/2026 19:13

Honestly, that's a hell of a drip feed, and people are still just commenting on the OP and none of the additional information.

"It'll work out" especially coming from someone who sounds as if they do none of the working out, is a bit ridiculous in your situation. You are already beyond capacity given that the toddler has to live in your bedroom. You aren't going to shake out a spare bedroom for your daughter (where is she going once she doesn't fit in your room anymore?) much less for your SS who already presumably has a place to live.

likeafishneedsabike · 14/04/2026 19:13

Well, this is a mess. Even without the stepson issue, little DD has no bedroom.

If you truly cannot afford to house this large tribe of children, then you need to speak seriously to relatives. Would your parents take the eldest and give him his own room with a desk for studying his GCSEs?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2026 19:12

wow what a lot of children ! you are already over crowded !

are you bidding on 4 bedroom properties ? what banding have you been given as you must have been bidding for a good couple of years.

mind you, what on earth possessed you to have so many children ? when the house was already full

Roads · 14/04/2026 19:12

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:08

People keep saying why did you have more DC. She can't change that now.

Show quote history

Well yes it's a fair comment isn't it, responsible grown ups plan properly for the future. The step son already existed prior to all these new siblings. Common sense would be to plan to have less children so they could provide a bed for all the existing children.

As it is they now have an overcrowded house and the only logical solution is for them to live separately as they did a year ago.

Everybodys · 14/04/2026 19:12

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 19:08

It’s a council house. Do you not think she needs to declare her DP as living there so the correct housing benefit is calculated?

Show quote history

Most likely it would be the housing element of UC these days, but you're mixing up two things. Housing tenancy requirements and benefit entitlement.

Being in a council house doesn't mean you're entitled to benefits towards the rent, and even if you are, you can tell UC about it and have them included in your award without them being a tenant. Indeed, you should tell UC about it even if they're not a co-tenant.

MissAmbrosia · 14/04/2026 19:11

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 19:08

It’s a council house. Do you not think she needs to declare her DP as living there so the correct housing benefit is calculated?

Show quote history

Where does it say she gets housing benefit or hasn't declared her dp lives there?

Villanousvillans · 14/04/2026 19:11

Poor kid, you are being very unreasonable, bloody awful actually.

Lyra25 · 14/04/2026 19:10

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 18:45

ok trying to answer properly as people keep asking same things

weve been together on and off about 10 years not all living together that whole time though

he moved in properly about just over a year ago before that it was more staying alot but not full time if that makes sense

children ages are

DS15 (mine)
DS12 (mine)
SS14 (his)
DS9 (ours)
DS6 (ours)
DD2 (ours)

so yes there is already alot of boys which is part of the issue with fighting/noise etc and adding another teen boy full time I dont see how that helps anything

people saying im hiding numbers im not trying to I just didnt think it mattered that much at first but clearly it does

bedrooms are

me DP and toddler in one

2 older boys share (they already argue loads about space)

2 younger boys share

when SS stays he either goes on sofa or squeezes in which already causes issues so I dont get how full time would suddenly be ok

DP does contribute but not 50/50 and no he doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it which is why im saying “it will work out” worries me because that usually means me sorting it

someone asked why SS wants to move its not anything extreme like abuse or anything like that its more hes not getting on with his mum at the moment (teenage stuff I think) but that could change again which is another thing

im not trying to say my kids matter more but they are already here settled in school etc and it does affect them if everything changes

and yes I GET he should be able to live with his dad im not saying he shouldnt im saying I dont see how it works in THIS house as it is now

people saying he should move out I mean maybe but then thats a whole other thing because we have kids together aswell so its not as simple as just “leave”

also whoever said fraud thats a bit much? hes allowed to live here im not doing anything dodgy

I just feel like everyone is acting like its really simple when it isnt in real life

I havent said no just that I need an actual plan not just “it will be fine” because it wont just magically be fine

hope that explains abit better still prob missing stuff but trying to reply while kids are going mad here 🙄

Maybe you could talk to his mum. I expect she would be hurt to be cut out completely and perhaps she has different rules for him. Maybe you could support her and it works best for all of you.
I do feel with all of the other kids at yours, SS may feel left out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/04/2026 19:10

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Nopenott0day · 14/04/2026 19:09

You both need to get a joint tenancy on a house with 5/6 min bedrooms. There's plenty out there.

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 19:08

previouslyknownas · 14/04/2026 18:31

lol why is it fraud
it’s her tennancy

she doesn’t have to add anyone to her tennacy and in this case she is wise not to

Show quote history

It’s a council house. Do you not think she needs to declare her DP as living there so the correct housing benefit is calculated?

Tacohill · 14/04/2026 19:08

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:06

How is he is supposed to have a bed in a house with 3 bedrooms and 7 people?🙄

Edited
Show quote history

Well 3 of them were born after SS so surely that should have been a priority thought.

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 19:08

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:06

How is he is supposed to have a bed in a house with 3 bedrooms and 7 people?🙄

Edited
Show quote history

You're spectacularly showing yourself up! They should have made plans for this and long time ago! I speak with experience. I had to share a room with siblings 15 and 13 years my junior up to the age of 21 (me) and it was an absolute nightmare! Because guess what, my mother and stepfather decided to have 2 kids together in a 2 bedroom house with no future planning and I just had to put up with it.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:08

Roads · 14/04/2026 19:07

No one is saying that obviously they can't now they've added even more children into the already crowded situation but there's no reason for them to live together. He wasn't living there full time until a year ago anyway so the only sensible plan is to have two houses. At least then all the children would have a bed.

Show quote history

People keep saying why did you have more DC. She can't change that now.

Decacaffeinatednow · 14/04/2026 19:08

Poor kids. All of them. And a relationship that has been on and off for 10 years but yet produced 3 more children.

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