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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

767 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:
PunnyPlumPanda · 15/04/2026 02:16

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:43

ok wasnt expecting quite so many replies so quickly

just to answer some things as people are asking

he is 14 (DS) and yes he has a mum obviously I havent said she doesnt? shes still around this isnt that situation (people saying what if she died thats not whats happening here)

my kids do live with me full time yes

house is a 3 bed council house in clacton and its in my name (tenancy) DP lives here with me

there are already quite a few of us here im not going to list everything straight away but its not like its just 1 or 2 kids and loads of space (we havent got space thats my point really)

when he stays now he either goes on the sofa or shares and that already causes arguments so I dont get how full time would suddenly be fine?

people saying I should leave I think thats abit extreme? im just asking if its doable not saying he can never see his dad again

behaviour wise I didnt say hes awful but he isnt easy either and I dont think its fair to just ignore that part because it DOES affect the others here

DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it

im not saying my kids matter more I just think practically it has to actually WORK for everyone not just in theory

and no its not about me “not liking him” someone said that which isnt fair at all

I havent said no just that I dont see HOW right now and no ones really said how either just that I should

hope that makes sense (prob not explained it great)

YABU,

i agree with your DP, his boy should live wth you if he wants.

Its so cruel you're saying no

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/04/2026 01:47

Sensiblesal · 14/04/2026 22:21

nailed it

Disney stepmom in the making. Why oh why do these women get with men who have children when they are so blooming heartless & refuse to ‘allow’ their husband to be a dad

She’s allowed him to be a dad plenty, the issue is he doesn’t know what being a dad is and thinks it means having the nearest woman do all the work.

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/04/2026 01:39

Going against the grain of the comments if my partner expected me to do all the ‘making it work’ and laundry etc I’d say no thank you his child isn’t living here too.

Soontobesingles · 15/04/2026 00:30

I’m a stepmother and my DH recently said same thing / my reaction was as yours is. The issue isn’t whether DsD is loved or if she should be allowed to live with dad - it is that in my family dad was not realising that her living here would involve him making sacrifices - going part time at work as she has additional needs that require a parent present more than he (or I) would be able with our jobs, giving up his weekly activities as she transitions to living with us, sorting wraparound care, dealing with her adolescence without her mother in the home, sorting babysitters if we want to go out because he can’t expect my parents to do the same for his child as our shared kids etc. In our case once he had to contemplate the reality of what her living here would require of him, he admitted it would not work, and was not right for anyone. I think beforehand there was the assumption that I would step up and do all the heavy lifting parenting because I do it for our shared children, but I had to point out that I am not responsible for doing it for his child and if he doesn’t want to, why would he assume I will. OP you can’t stop DH from living with his child cut you can set clear boundaries around what you will and won’t do to accommodate it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2026 00:16

Robogob · 15/04/2026 00:00

I know someone who has seven kids in a three bedroom flat. Six boys and one girl. She and her husband have one room, the girl has the second bedroom and the six boys are in the third bedroom. The boys have two sets of triple bunk beds. It’s a small terraced house. It can be done. They are lovely kids.

Why do she keep having kids tho

3 or 4 in 2 bedrooms is more than enough

is thr girl to youngest and kept trying till got a girl

triple bunks means barely any head room space an must be very cramped in their room

Robogob · 15/04/2026 00:00

I know someone who has seven kids in a three bedroom flat. Six boys and one girl. She and her husband have one room, the girl has the second bedroom and the six boys are in the third bedroom. The boys have two sets of triple bunk beds. It’s a small terraced house. It can be done. They are lovely kids.

ThisTicklishFatball · 14/04/2026 23:58

I think it's best for women to use their brains and avoid getting into relationships with men who have children or complicated past relationships, if they want peace of mind. Better to find someone with a clean slate instead.

Same goes for men too.

I’d take peace of mind a million times over. But hey, some people live for the chaos—love the drama, the mess, the complications. Guess that’s their thing.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 14/04/2026 23:46

Tulipsriver · 14/04/2026 19:37

He has just as much right to live there as any of your own children. Why don't you kick one out to make room for him? (Or can see how unreasonable it is for a parent to refuse to house their child when they're yours?)

It’s not his dad’s house though.

Gracez87 · 14/04/2026 23:37

What would you do if he said your kids couldn’t live there? I can see how it would feel really awful to him not be allowed to live with his Dad when two other boys the same age as him get to? Put yourself in his shoes.

CharlieEffie · 14/04/2026 23:33

TeenLifeMum · 14/04/2026 20:37

Her house but they’ve got 3 joint dc so it’s their family home. It’s not like he moved in 6 months ago.

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Yes its her and the childrens family home. He moved in fully just over a year ago...

Ponderingwindow · 14/04/2026 23:16

If his son can’t live there full time then the home is not suitable for your partner. He should never have moved in if the home did not have a real place for his child.

kkloo · 14/04/2026 23:08

DaisyDooley · 14/04/2026 22:05

People having kids they can neither adequately house or afford.
Poor bloody stepson -pushed out so his father can father ANOTHER 3 children in an unstable relationship.
I wonder what OP and Partner do to be able to afford seven kids………..

Father another 3 that he didn't even live with only last year, If the son isn't already judging his dad and the OP he will be in the next few years.

I wonder where the dad lived before that when they were on/off for years, probably at home with his mother.

Weeklyreport · 14/04/2026 23:02

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 22:54

The guy has been on/off with her for 10 years so has not been consistent for the 3 kids they have together. He does nothing around the house. He’s only been living there for a year full time and now wants to move his son in and for her to still do everything.

Show quote history

It's not like the guy has been on/off by himself. The OP is equally responsible for this cluster fuck of a rrelationship and the instability all of these kids have suffered. If he's that useless it begs the question why the OP chose to have 3 children with the man. Its not okay to pretend like the OP has had no agency in this mess.

WalkAway7 · 14/04/2026 23:02

likeafishneedsabike · 14/04/2026 19:13

Well, this is a mess. Even without the stepson issue, little DD has no bedroom.

If you truly cannot afford to house this large tribe of children, then you need to speak seriously to relatives. Would your parents take the eldest and give him his own room with a desk for studying his GCSEs?

Op, do your two eldest go to their Dad’s 50% of the time? Could DSS come week on/week off when they are at their Dad’s… just an idea.

Bufftailed · 14/04/2026 23:02

Needmorelego · 14/04/2026 17:26

I think if you are in a relationship with someone who has a child you should always be prepared to potentially have that child living with you.
Would you being saying no if his mother had died?

100% - a child should always feel they could live with their parent IMO

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 22:54

Sensiblesal · 14/04/2026 22:49

I have now.

no change in opinion. She could make it work to add a few more kids with the hubby.

if this was the other way & the man saying no he would be hauled over the coals

Show quote history

The guy has been on/off with her for 10 years so has not been consistent for the 3 kids they have together. He does nothing around the house. He’s only been living there for a year full time and now wants to move his son in and for her to still do everything.

Sensiblesal · 14/04/2026 22:49

Leavesandthings · 14/04/2026 22:26

What?
Have you read the thread and OPs background info?
Maybe try it.

Show quote history

I have now.

no change in opinion. She could make it work to add a few more kids with the hubby.

if this was the other way & the man saying no he would be hauled over the coals

tierdytierd · 14/04/2026 22:46

I’d feel the same. He’s response of ‘it’ll be fine’ & we’ll make it work, arent tangible plans or ideas, that just drifting and expecting you to carry the load. That’s why in his head it’ll work.
you’re sharing your room with your toddler which at some point will need to move in with siblings.
you’ve also a whole bunch of teenage anxt and hormones present and will be flying about for several years yet …. Unless he has can offer a plan and then it’s discussed with everyone currently in your family home and agreed then it’ll just breed resentment…. Not what either of you will want and defo not what any of your children need or will welcome. I feel it’d be become a divide and unfair on yours and your shared kids.
totally unfair on his son to be thrown into a very busy house.
maybe he could support his sons mum and spend some actual time with him alone doing stuff and then with all kids family- maybe that’ll ease things at his mums? 14 (early mid teens is really hard going for them, I wouldn’t want to repeat my teenage years for anything!) He needs support not running from mum to fighting for top spot
I feel for you, it’s a tuff one. Dad needs to offer a solution or at the very least support his ex and his son anyway he can - and respect you!

WerewolfOfLoudon · 14/04/2026 22:44

Why can't DP rent his own house and have his son 100% and your shared children 50% @DuvetInTheDaytime ? Where is the toddler going?

Kokonimater · 14/04/2026 22:42

Need more information

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 22:34

SapphireSeptember · 14/04/2026 22:09

My parents have been living in the same housing association house for nearly 30 years. My mum is the only one on the tenancy agreement, because she wanted to make sure that she and her children would never be homeless. All the relevant authorities know my dad lives there, there's never been any fraud.

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Where’s the bit where your mum got the council house as a single parent to 2 kids? Then met a man who lived there on and off for 10 years whilst getting her pregnant 3 times. He then finally decides to move in properly….

completely different circumstances.

CodeAmber · 14/04/2026 22:34

and how do you and your “on/off” partner support your many children? Benefits? Do either of you work?

Hailstoness · 14/04/2026 22:33

He doesn't pay 50% for the children he has with you, in your house and wants to add another.

He doesn't pull his weight?
Loser.

Tell him move out.

sunshinestar1986 · 14/04/2026 22:31

Elsvieta · 14/04/2026 22:29

In these sort of households, they don't "support" the kids in the way that the average middle-class mumsnetter would consider to be the bare minimum. The kids don't get much. Someone who's overcrowded them like this isn't even trying to give them the stuff that most people think of as essential these days. They won't get new clothes, hobbies, school trips, any of that. There's lots of people raising 4 or 5 or 6 kids on the same money everyone else spends on 2.

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Disgusting attitude, arrogant and judgemental much?

sittingonabeach · 14/04/2026 22:30

@Unexpectedlysinglemum she was quite happy to have 3 kids with him