To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

PP mentioned the lady she was talking about had older parents-it might have something to do with it or it might not. But based on what I've seen it probably does.

And not knowing neighbours, going to baby groups etc can apply to any parent of any age.

Yes but the point is those kids will most likely have siblings/cousins/parents friends kids to play with instead. Because they will mostly be a similar age. That just isn't the case with someone having much older parents no matter how much you like to pretend it is.

I am as confident I can be, car shared with him for several years so we had almost daily chats about both our families- warts and all. Would have been a difficult story to maintain if not true! He has less success with his own adult sons and was open about that too.

He’s hardly going to say he insisted she move out and it was absolutely disastrous for her though, is he @BrokenWing?
I hope it’s exactly as he says.

I have a work colleague who has a partner with a dd(32).

The dd was always very co-dependent with her mum, childlike, spending her benefit money on a room full of soft toys, didn't have any real friends or social life, mum helped buy her clothes, make all her meals etc.

For various reasons it caused problems in their relationship.

He just blew his top one day with his partner and said it is her or me. It sounds worse than it was, he was willing to help support her dd to move out and they did, he helped pay her rent for the first year and they helped her decorate and furnish her flat with bits and pieces from family.

Over time she absolutely flourished. Got friends. Got a job. Could afford her own rent. They do keep a close eye on her as she is still immature for her age, but catching up with her peers, he says the difference in her is astounding.

I absolutely agree there are many (not all) adults out there whose growth and development has been stunted by their parents.

I think that is pretty right on the money.

Then add into the mix a much-longed-for-child, who is over-indulged and "our little princess"ified, and it's a potent combo.

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with working adult children still living at home. The people i know are all perfectly socially fine, educated, contribute to the household and are in full time employment.

But i thought the OP was about more than that.

Funnily enough the person i know who fits the bill according to what the OP describes, lives ‘independently’ according to MN standards, if you really call it that, but only due to family wealth, allowing them to have an income by renting out the property they were bought, while living rent free in another of the family’s properties.

They have not been employed for years and i doubt they will ever work, but think they are worthy to walk into some kind of 6 figure corporate role. Socially odd. ND i suspect.

I think this can be a big factor - parents who find themselves without a partner may consciously or unconsciously find ways to keep a child at home.

Hopefully the job market may change for all ND adults and in the meantime articles like these are promising....

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cp954ep948lo

Neurodivergent women sought for jobs at GCHQ and BAE Systems | Autism | The Guardian

If people who cannot live independently can live with their parents, that's not such a bad thing. At least they have a home.

Globalisation guarantees 2 things: increased competition for housing and increased competition for jobs. Therefore those who are not firing on all cylinders, as in able to afford a property, able to get a partner and attractive to employers, are likely to continue to struggle.

My adult son has autism. He is still at home, when he has tried to live independently it has been a disaster. Social care are not interested, he wants to work but only in what he thinks is a ‘good job’ his benefit claims are unpredictable because he has very little executive function. I have two other children who will be independent , but this one - I’m not at all sure he will be. He needs supported living, but that is like rocking horse shit. I hate it, I want to move on but I can’t …

It's a privilege to have strength in neurodivergence. The reality for many people with ND is that the disabling factors prevent any strengths from being functionally demonstrable. For example, DD2 has a massive affinity for animals and can retain extensive, detailed knowledge about them. She can't cope with groups of people, though, and gets burned out extremely easily from sensory stimuli, so the likelihood of her being able to have the consistency that a job requires is lowered.

DD1 is hugely hampered by her ASD and ADHD. It doesn't allow her to attend to any task for more than a few minutes. She also has LD, but it isn't the LD that really prevents her from working.

I won't go on and on, but it's not always helpful to focus on those who are capable and academic when talking about neurodivergence, because those that aren't don't have a voice.

I think the modern world is too complicated for many people. You can't afford to buy a house if you are single and low waged / unemployed and rents are astronomical.

Jobs are hard to come by because even well functioning people are struggling to find work and you are competing with a huge pool of workers including 1000s who have arrived in the last 5 years. Employers don't need to make adjustments as they can pick and choose who they recruit.

So between the housing crisis and the lack of jobs, there's a big problem. That's partly why we've seen an increase in people living in tents and vans.

Yes it’s a major issue, however I wish my DB would do more to get her out volunteering or something, just so she has some structure to her life.

I'm in the same boat. ND eldest daughter who struggled at school (but I couldn't homeschool her because I had to work, as a single parent), took A levels but then came home and looked to become entrenched. She wouldn't sign on (too much anxiety to get to the job centre and she wasn't allowed to sign on remotely) but I made her do some volunteering to get her out of the house, which helped a lot with her social ability. She did go off to university as a mature student (she was 21) when she had become a little more emotionally mature but then returned home and only found a job through friends.

She's now a home owner and marrying this summer (to the friend who found her the job, wonderfully enough!) She works in a job where she can wfh if she needs to and I couldn't be happier for her.

That’s what I thought of as well!

I lived at home until 26-27 btw (working, pursuing higher education, saving money etc. So definitely not the same as OP is describing!) buuuuut I can somewhat see how one might get stuck.

It was really difficult for my mother when I moved out and I got the sense that she really would have preferred me to stay (she was self aware and considerate enough to never actually tell me to stay but she clearly found me moving out extremely upsetting)…

my mother had devoted her life to raising her (2) daughters as a single mother. Gave up her career with the birth of her second daughter (she still worked but that’s not the same as having a career one enjoys), never had the time or energy for a real social life, never had the time or energy for the trauma therapy she so clearly needed.

I suspect that adult children who don’t manage to fly the nest and parents who are (physically, psychologically, emotionally) dependant on these (adult) children are two very closely intertwined issues.
And a lack of community / community support and less societal rigidity in regards of milestones (the latter I am generally in favour of btw!) probably contributes as well…

Nursery and playgroups have been a thing for decades and some start before 3. The chances of a child starting school not meeting another child for the first few years of their life are incredibly rare and have NOTHING to do with a parents age.

And not knowing neighbours, going to baby groups etc can apply to any parent of any age.

If you have some evidence though to support show your crackpot theory that somehow older parents have more isolated kids than I'd be very interested to see it.

One of the issues is we don't recognise neuro diversity as a strength in employment so ND adults don't get opportunities to be financially independent. We have a ND daughter and she is brilliant in some areas and not so great in others. Make reasonable accommodation for her and you've got a great employee. She found the right fit and has been independently living since she was 20. But it would have been easyier for her and us to just let her stay at home and rationalise why she couldn't be independent. It's another level of proud when you see a ND child cope with their challenges and become independent. She has developed into a lovely human being too.

And a new relationship too, maybe😁

My cousin is very much like this but does work, he has never married, once left home & bought his own house but ended up going back home as he couldn't manage on his own, his mum died of dementia when he was in his thirties, he lived with his dad until he died, he is still in the house now & his sister has taken over keeping an eye on him. It's sad, he was my favourite cousin when I was young & we were all kids, he's never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship, it is such a waste of a life.

An old school friend is like this. I’m pretty sure she’s undiagnosed autistic though.

Yes if you have neighbours and the kid plays out with neighbourhood kids then it's much less of a problem. Also if mum goes to lots of baby groups. But not everyone lives in a village or has close neighbours or their mum socialises with other mums in baby groups.

You're telling me a child that never meets another child until age 3 or 4 is NOT disadvantaged in any way? If this doesn't apply to your child then there's no need to get offended is there.

My youngest sibling was being groomed by our parents to stay at home and look after them - apparently a tradition in their home village. I had already escaped to the big city and encouraged my youngest s to live with me, experience life and take up study at uni. They now have a good job and lovely family. My DP died years before they would have reached retirement and needed a live-in helper.

It’s always existed. My mom had a cousin that ‘had a nervous breakdown’ and lived with her parents for years. When her brother divorced he moved in too and his son as well. When the father died the male cousin and his son abused the female cousin and the mom. When the mom died the female cousin moved into subsidized housing and the male cousin had to go into a nursing home and alcohol rehab centers. He finally died there, no idea where his son is now.

Quite. It's a theory that has no basis in evidence in terms of a socialisation and the parents age.

Cousins and siblings are not the only form of socialisation a child has 🙄. Parents meet other parents through baby groups, play groups, toddler groups, nursery and other activities. Certainly all my parent friends are a wide range and our children socialise with each other. And in previous generations, people knew their neighbours and other communities and kids played in the street. And if people have their kids later they might have had their kids together.

The autism thing might have some basis I believe in the male factor but people of any age can have kids with autism and genetics play a large part.

I get sick of this narrative played on here of older mums the shaming and blaming that goes on. They are now being told according to some made up theory that has no evidence whatsoever attached to it that their kids will start school scared and disadvantaged.

I'm not saying things are perfect now by any stretch but thinking that the nuclear family can replace the idea and do all the work of a supportive network of community isn't something I aspire to.

I think this is really crucial - communities. That's what we're missing these days, despite being more connected than ever. I noticed a couple of posters earlier who said we don't need to socialise any more because we have the internet, but I don't agree at all. Online communities serve a purpose for sure, perhaps if you need support with something very specific or private, but there really is no substitute for real world supportive communities and connections.

Religious communities used to be a core provision for this and they still often are, but obviously not as much as they used to be, and I think something has been lost in the fact they've not really been fully replaced by some other form of cohesive and supportive community.

Even for introverted people, community has so much benefit, maybe even more so. And while obviously introversion is real and not unusual or in any way a bad thing, I do think there's something going on whereby relying too much on online interaction has led some people to have stunted social skills but they think it's introversion. But that's perhaps another issue. As we've established, these people who just never launch long predate the Internet.