To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

I think in my family there are a few but they usually managed/had to work at least a bit - working class families and often families got them in somewhere.

Sometimes they later fell out of work often when elder care became needed and they were ones living there. DH uncle was allowed to stay in council house after parents death - dad cousin parents owned the house and worked same employer all his life - having him there meant great aunt stayed in house till end - it's only now he struggling with ill health.

Possibly our relatives are a bit more on the functional side than many others.

Though even friend of families very disable adult child - oxgen depirved at birth- been at work a bit - and is now in supported living and p/t work.

We do have a uni mate who had a mental health breakdown in early 20s and hasn't worked since - we've tried wider family have tried - no idea what will happen when his parents die as there a huge family but don't think any will take him in.

I knew someone like this (close relative). He took his own life aged 47. His sister is furious with his parents for enabling him. Everyone else says "they did what they thought was right"

It's very tough.

They do, they expect me to take him on. I’ve said I won’t. He is perfectly capable of learning to live independently and I’ll always be there to help, to make sure he doesn’t end up in a shop doorway, but he’s not coming to live with my family like an extra child.

My brother was like this for years. Initially he did work in shops and then clearing tables in a cafe but fell out of the jobs market. He was then sectioned and eventually diagnosed with severe autism and depression. He’s now in Social Services care and completely institutionalised, aged 70. Autism just wasn’t recognised in the sixties and my parents wouldn’t have anything to do with doctors or get him some help. Very sad!

Yeah- I get you. We've been trying to do this over the last few years. However, if he has a psychotic episode whilst out and about he may become aggressive - in the past, he has shouted death threats at people on a bus, and chased a neighbour up the road with a knife. He goes out when he can but sometimes it is better he stays at home, where the environment is more controlled, he stays more regulated, and the risk of an episode is minimised.

Nice work? I’m sure they would rather have a job, friends, their own home and family…

To be fair to my friend, she has tried to teach her son about things like council tax and water bills but he basically blanks her, So when she dies and he's left alone in the house, most of the bills are going to go unpaid too because he simply doesn't grasp the importance of paying them.

It’s usually because of undiagnosed special needs e.g. autism. We have a few EBSA (school refusing) pupils who fit this profile.

Surely they’re expect you or another slbling to take him on after their deaths?

I know a woman like this. Early 40s and still living with her elderly parents, who must be in their early 80s, having had her later in life.

She did go off to university, and met all the school-related milestones. Graduated at the top of her year (won a prize and everything), and got a related job. Did said job for about 2 years, then just quit. For the past almost 20 years, she's been living in her childhood bedroom, obsessing over musicians and tv shows from her childhood. She spends most of her days fliting around on the internet. Has never driven, so is reliant on local buses, but will only venture a tiny bit further afield if she's accompanied by her pretty frail mother.
Her degree was in a tech field, so long since obsolete. She's completely skill-less.
It'll be a complete disaster when her parents pass, as she's got zero adulting skills.

Thank you for the earworm.But you're right, and it is very sad.

My cousin is mid40s and like this. Hasn't had a job for 15 years, never meets anyone outside the family, spends his time watching TV, gaming etc.He never seems stressed but it seems like quite a bland empty life.

Unfortunately I’d blame Covid for a lot of this recent outbreak of MH problems.
Any underlying MH issue came to the fore in or after lockdowns as teens were effectively stuck in their rooms for weeks/months at a time w their mobile phones for company. It really affected my DC and some of their peers in many ways and we tried to get them outside of their pits as much as we could.

Nobody knows that, unless they’ve been studying the Census in detail I guess.

My brother is one of these, diagnosed with autism as a child and is very very introverted, at school he had a 1-2-1 in class but as he grew older he hated being different, so when he went to college he didn’t tell them he needed accommodations and ended up dropping out. He tried to get a job but again wouldn’t disclose his diagnosis so never got past interview stage then eventually, with the blessing of my parents, gave up. He’s never claimed anything because my parents didn’t want the ‘shame’ of claiming benefits, they pay his NI so he will get a state pension. He’s incredibly intelligent and spends his days reading, writing, playing music and video games. My parents have let him down massively, he needed support to get a job and make friends, and instead they encouraged him to stay at home, he could’ve had a good life but he’s wasted it and I’m waiting for them to die so he can be free.

How can any of you know if it's more or less common than it used to be? It's weird to state something as if it's a fact unless you have some access to the statistics on this.

I had a job which required me to work in the community quite some years ago now. It is very common. But I got the impression that a significant amount of the adults living with parents had mild learning disabilities or MH problems. Roughly 1 in 20 people have an IQ of lower than 75 and these people will either struggle to or be unable to live alone.

You’re not wrong OP. There have always been loners/‘oddballs’, but the numbers have rocketed. Right now there’s a handful of threads live about sons living in their childhood bedrooms, gaming and refusing to engage with the outside world at all. I’m dreading the public in 20 years. We can’t afford them.

Thanks @bigwidegreyarea (and good on you!). Sometimes I allow myself to hope that we might all get out of the nightmare- and your response encourages me.

Yes I think it’s always been case. I know a family friend who had a daughter just kept at home (she had some type of undiagnosed learning disability she failed her GCSEs and couldn’t pass driving test) they had enough money to keep her and she was a companion to her mum. Last saw her at my grandma’s funeral.
My mums neighbour in her 80s is clearly autistic. She lived with her mum until 40s and then married and he moved in with them. Mum and husband died within months of each other and she was 70s but totally incapable. She is totally reclusive and my mum assists with things like taking her to optician.
Another neighbour of my mum had been married off at 16 to an older man and never worked and again reached old age and suddenly finds herself alone and limited functioning eg can’t read or write well.
Theres lots of yp in 20s failed to launch and just at home. Dropped out of uni. Often supported by family so not on anyone’s radar.

You’re giving him a safe space, which sounds like exactly what he’s needed. It sounds like he has a fair few challenges and I’m not surprised that you’ve all struggled with that, you all deserve more support and I know first hand that it’s practically non existent. 24 was an age where a lot changed for me in a very short space of time, I went from living with my parents in rural Norfolk and earning a minimum wage to living in London with my boyfriend and training as a teacher! Huuuuuge challenge! Every step gave me more confidence and then I was off, completely independent and have been ever since.

Well, at worst they've saved money (or saved the state money) by sharing the house.

It’s always been a thing. I can think of 2 men in my extended family who lived like this when I was a child. No one had heard of autism in those days.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing. He can be an carer for his mum as she gets older and they’ll be company for each other.

I have a distant relative like this in her 50’s. Her 90 odd year old mother has recently died, she was an only child so has inherited her house and money. She’s never worked, she also has a son in his late 20’s who again has never worked.

I have no idea how they all support themselves (must be benefits to an extent) but they always have money to eat out, go to the pub, go shopping and go on holiday.