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AIBU?

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Original poster

I come from a Romany gypsy & Irish traveller family. General chat…

184 replies

TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:31

Just as the title suggests. I’ve noticed how travellers have become more accepted and tbh a bit idolised over social media (The people who are watching and liking those particular videos). Anyway my mum was raised in a horse drawn wagon moving around, my dad moved around with horses too but was staying in trailers (Caravans). Dad is Irish and mum is Romany. I don’t really interact with people nowadays and no matter the ordinary life I live I still feel deep inside that I’m just different no matter what. Not in a bad way, just that the way I was raised will always be there. My youngest child is mixed race, her father being black and my dad has never met her and has no interest to. I guess I went against the grain although to be quite honest my mother raised me very very well. Respect was always standard there was no time for disrespectful children when it came to my mum. I’d never walk into someone’s home with shoes on. Never help myself to food or drink. Never just get up and use the toilet without asking. Don’t touch anything, ornaments and anything tbh wasn’t to be touched by children. Don’t dare use the show plates. My mum never allowed anyone in her place ever. She had a hate for anyone who drank or smoked, well til this day you’d never see her sitting or standing with anyone drinking or smoking. I wasn’t allowed to go round friends houses as a child or teenager apart from 1 girl who only had a mother and sisters at home. This is just a light hearted chat if anyone wants to contribute. My mum never went to school as a child so therefore couldn’t read or write but she’s taught herself little bits along the way. She ended up with my stepdad over 30 years ago now who has provided her a lifestyle most can only dream off. Her life up until a few years back was just horses and cleaning the home. I do feel that the way my mum raised me has made me a very over protective person which I’m glad about. My mum would never steal from anybody (Just addressing the stereotype), she’s a very holy woman and even if she didn’t have a pound to her name and she saw someone unknowingly drop money she’d stop and hand it back to them. I’m a carer by job and everyone I visit and care for i can guarantee nothing, absolutely nothing will be trivialised with me. I do take extra time and effort to do the little things for these people and I care for them as if they were my own family and if I ever saw or heard anything untoward whether from their family member or even other staff carers I would take it upon myself to protect and I wouldn’t stop until something was done. (That should be standard for all carers but it isn’t always unfortunately) Again my mum raised me a very empathetic way and to see the things that people regularly overlook in life. She is a deeply compassionate woman more than I’ve ever known anyone to be in this life.

OP posts:
Ceci693 · 12/04/2026 01:27

OP I’d love to know more about your mothers childhood it must have been very hard living in a horse drawn caravan?

JMSA · 12/04/2026 01:23

Greyblankie · 11/04/2026 23:45

Also the fact that your mum didn’t steal isn’t something to be especially proud of - it’s normal!

Oh come on, the OP explained perfectly well that she was looking to address the stereotype.

An interesting post, OP, and you do indeed sound like a good person.

Gettingbysomehow · 12/04/2026 01:18

So many horrible comments. Its not very polite or well mannered.
Many non traveller parents especially old fashioned ones are not happy with mixed marriages. Not just traveller families.
My own mother and I were much reviled for a) me being illegitimate and b) her going on to have a mixed race marriage to my stepfather in the 60' and 70's.
All of which is quite normal now.

MarthaBeach · 12/04/2026 01:04

This is an interesting thread, thank you. What would you say is the difference between Romany gypsy and Irish traveller cultures?

Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:53

@SergeantWrinkles It was in fact anyone and everyone travellers included. I’m not implying that travellers don’t drink or do drugs at all. We all know there’s bad in all walks off life and this post wasn’t a way to insert hierarchy. I’m not sitting here in a bubble believing I am better than anyone else or was raised in ways that others weren’t regardless if they don’t come from the same culture. I think I’ve emphasised when I spoke on my work, the way I see people and would do anything to help anyone and treat them as my own family, none of the people I care for are travellers but I don’t treat them any less or think they have come from childhoods being exposed to all sorts. I don’t judge anyone regardless of their culture, ethnicity or race.

OP posts:
Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:41

@SergeantWrinkles I haven’t stereotyped at all. Maybe you should re read what I said in the context I implied. I never said gorgers- non travellers don’t take their shoes off or help themselves or even that they live a certain way. I said the reason why my mum didn’t want me around other peoples homes is because she didn’t want me exposed to any of that stuff and no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. I didn’t say the reason why she didn’t want me to go round non travellers homes is because I’d be exposed to that.

OP posts:
SergeantWrinkles · 12/04/2026 00:35

food, not good, sorry!

SergeantWrinkles · 12/04/2026 00:35

I find it interesting that you talk about wanting to dispel stereotypes and yet you’re also talking about non travellers as stereotypes. You’re making assumptions that non travellers don’t take shoes off, or go and help themselves to good in other peoples houses, or have ‘bad habits’ that you don’t want your own kids exposed to! I e never had anything but respectful relationships with travellers I’ve known but the way you’re talking about non travellers is just as bad. How does that help?

Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:31

@Minjou Yes my son left school in year 10 because he spent years being bullied and was wandering around school site avoiding going to lessons. He has a speech stammer and a vocal and tic disorder and was bullied beyond belief to the point he couldn’t get a word out during the time he was in school. He was depressed as anything and gave up caring about washing himself or getting himself dressed properly. Do you want any more information? He was being sent home every other day from school and was also assaulted by a teacher. He used to have plates of food rubbed in his face and nothing was done by the school. He used to get groups of boys pushing him to the floor and stamping on his head and ribs and videoing it and still the school done nothing. School isn’t always a nice place. My son is now thriving and the most important thing he’s happy and safe

OP posts:
Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:27

@BeNavyCrabAw Thankyou. I do make the people I care for feel valued and nothing is too big of an ask. I don’t like referring to them as “service users” either. I never use that term. I guess I’ve just seen other carers come in and they are in work mode on autopilot and yes they care for people but there’s the deep compassion side missing. I’ve always felt myself that people can be listening but not really hearing what you’re saying so I always make sure that no one feels that way around me x

OP posts:
Minjou · 12/04/2026 00:24

You let your son leave school at 13? That's not anything to be proud of

Screamingabdabz · 12/04/2026 00:24

“They aren’t raised as slaves at home cooking and cleaning who aren’t allowed to go out or have a life of their own. We are taught about cleaning from a young age and the older girls will teach the younger ones too.”

Sorry op. I appreciate your answers and your sincerity but with respect, these two statements pretty much contradict each other.

I understand that culturally girls are raised to follow traditional female domestic roles so it’s no surprise they don’t ‘choose’ to aspire to higher education. The ones that do are rare exceptions and that tells you something in itself.

Redpaisley · 12/04/2026 00:24

Greyblankie · 11/04/2026 23:45

Also the fact that your mum didn’t steal isn’t something to be especially proud of - it’s normal!

She has mentioned that because of stereotypes attached to her ethnicity. She didn’t say it’s something to be proud of.

Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:22

@BruFord Yes it’s still common to marry young and set up a home, very traditional. There are just as many travellers who live by the other way of life and don’t have much to do with the “Lifestyle” so to speak. It’s more common in Irish travellers to stay within the community and follow the lifestyle they were raised.

OP posts:
Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:19

@Ribbonwort The reason my mum didn’t allow me to go round friends houses is because no one knows what goes on behind closed doors in others homes. She didn’t trust anybody with her children and she didn’t want me to be exposed to parents who drink, smoke, do drugs and she was especially concerned about sexual abuse. I am the same with my children. I never have and never will allow them over friends houses if I’m not there. I would never allow sleepovers. I don’t care if the dad of her friend was a doctor, lawyer or a teacher I view everyone as a potential predator to my children. I don’t trust anybody at all. I will sleep well knowing I’m not taking that risk with my children and every time this topic has popped up in conversation in person, every woman or her mother has experienced sexual abuse- yes I am aware it’s mostly done by close friends and family members.

OP posts:
BruFord · 12/04/2026 00:17

Fascinating topic @TT0107. I remember that old program about weddings and that people tended to marry young, because living together wasn't acceptable. Is that still the case and is religion still very important (as it was portrayed in the program)?

Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 00:08

@Screamingabdabz Traveller girls can choose to go into further education or employment if they want but in most cases they don’t want to. They aren’t raised as slaves at home cooking and cleaning who aren’t allowed to go out or have a life of their own. We are taught about cleaning from a young age and the older girls will teach the younger ones too. Boys will go out working with men and earning money probably more than you and I from young ages. The reason why the children are removed from school before starting high school is because travellers don’t want other kids bad habits rubbing off on them. I didn’t let my oldest son go out with anyone and everyone he wanted to. He’s a happy child he builds extensions with my brother, does plastering, brickwork, laying patios, fencing anything you can think off. He’s more interested in learning this work and earning money than be out with other boys. He has cousins similar ages working with him too so he does have that socialisation

OP posts:
ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 00:03

I think OP is just stating that her mother instilled certain values in her which many people (with unconscious bias or deliberate) might assume wouldn't happen in a traveller community.

I don't think she's saying the parenting was perfect or that her mum is amazingly virtuous, rather that her upbringing and mum's behaviour didn't conform to the negative stereotypes which exists .

Ribbonwort · 11/04/2026 23:58

TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:46

@Ribbonwort I don’t see how raising children to be respectful is weird. Would you let your child walk into someone’s house shoes on without asking if thats ok and then run into their kitchen helping themselves in the fridge and cupboards. I would still never do that now. I would never get up and walk straight into another room of someone I’m caring for without asking/ making them aware first. Just a simple “I’m just gona pop to the toilet quickly” I’m just going to take this clean washing into your bedroom to put them away ect instead of just going about my business without making them aware of what I’m doing in their home. That is respect to me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. A lot of the people I care for get overwhelmed when carers come in and start touching their things or follow the care notes example doing cleaning without actually asking them if it’s ok to do first. My dad is racist, I didn’t actually mention much about my dad and how he raised me because I don’t share the same views as him obviously. My mum isn’t.

Edited

Absolutely, when you’re working in a vulnerable person’s home as a carer, you are respectful about their space and belongings — but that’s professional behaviour, and nothing to do either having been trained as a child not to touch anything! It’s great that you’re obviously a carer who takes her job seriously, but that has nothing that I can see to do with your Traveller/Roma upbringing.

I mean, I get that you’re implicitly responding to stereotypes about Traveller dishonesty, but the overwhelming majority of parents don’t steal, and teach their children not to help themselves out of other people’s grudges uninvited! They also do this while allowing their children to play at their friends’ houses, and allowing other people into their homes.

INX · 11/04/2026 23:58

Greyblankie · 11/04/2026 23:42

All your “rules” which supposedly show how well raised you are tend to be pretty standard manners to be honest! Not sure what point you’re trying to make.

This is what I thought but assumed I might have missed something in the wall of text.

OP you might be interested to take a look at the AMA section of Mumsnet. There are absolutely tons of threads from travellers and gypsies.

Original poster
TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:57

@user946372 It’s fine it says more about them tbh to come straight with snidy comments. I’m not suggesting all travellers are raised well or the same way because they aren’t of course. My oldest son who’s nearly 16 has felt that way. He left school 2 years ago to work with my brother but school wasn’t working for him anyway, he had a horrible experience with bullying and teachers were just as bad.

OP posts:
Greyblankie · 11/04/2026 23:57

TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:53

@custardlover Yes that’s exactly it. I’m not posting to say I’m better than anyone else or was raised better. I’m just stating that my mums values has or maybe not made me into an a very empathetic person. Maybe I’m just this way naturally who knows

I was raised the same way and I lack empathy so I tend to think it’s nature vs nurture

BeNavyCrab · 11/04/2026 23:56

I'm severely disabled myself and I would love to be cared by someone like you. It's so important to feel valued and that you still have your wishes asked about and respected. It makes you feel more connected to the world and not just a job that has to be done. Caring for someone in the same way you would want for your own family is a beautiful sentiment. Thank you for bringing your expertise and heart into what is a very important and challenging job. Xx

Screamingabdabz · 11/04/2026 23:56

I’m glad your mother instilled empathy in you but I don’t see anything particularly outstanding about your upbringing. All of the kids I knew who grew up in the 70s had similar attitudes to boundaries and the behaviour of children in other people’s houses. This was largely due to post war social and moral attitudes about respect for authority and other people’s property.

I would love the GRT community to embrace issues around education and aspiration for their girls and young women.

Original poster
TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:53

@custardlover Yes that’s exactly it. I’m not posting to say I’m better than anyone else or was raised better. I’m just stating that my mums values has or maybe not made me into an a very empathetic person. Maybe I’m just this way naturally who knows

OP posts:
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