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Original poster

I come from a Romany gypsy & Irish traveller family. General chat…

184 replies

TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:31

Just as the title suggests. I’ve noticed how travellers have become more accepted and tbh a bit idolised over social media (The people who are watching and liking those particular videos). Anyway my mum was raised in a horse drawn wagon moving around, my dad moved around with horses too but was staying in trailers (Caravans). Dad is Irish and mum is Romany. I don’t really interact with people nowadays and no matter the ordinary life I live I still feel deep inside that I’m just different no matter what. Not in a bad way, just that the way I was raised will always be there. My youngest child is mixed race, her father being black and my dad has never met her and has no interest to. I guess I went against the grain although to be quite honest my mother raised me very very well. Respect was always standard there was no time for disrespectful children when it came to my mum. I’d never walk into someone’s home with shoes on. Never help myself to food or drink. Never just get up and use the toilet without asking. Don’t touch anything, ornaments and anything tbh wasn’t to be touched by children. Don’t dare use the show plates. My mum never allowed anyone in her place ever. She had a hate for anyone who drank or smoked, well til this day you’d never see her sitting or standing with anyone drinking or smoking. I wasn’t allowed to go round friends houses as a child or teenager apart from 1 girl who only had a mother and sisters at home. This is just a light hearted chat if anyone wants to contribute. My mum never went to school as a child so therefore couldn’t read or write but she’s taught herself little bits along the way. She ended up with my stepdad over 30 years ago now who has provided her a lifestyle most can only dream off. Her life up until a few years back was just horses and cleaning the home. I do feel that the way my mum raised me has made me a very over protective person which I’m glad about. My mum would never steal from anybody (Just addressing the stereotype), she’s a very holy woman and even if she didn’t have a pound to her name and she saw someone unknowingly drop money she’d stop and hand it back to them. I’m a carer by job and everyone I visit and care for i can guarantee nothing, absolutely nothing will be trivialised with me. I do take extra time and effort to do the little things for these people and I care for them as if they were my own family and if I ever saw or heard anything untoward whether from their family member or even other staff carers I would take it upon myself to protect and I wouldn’t stop until something was done. (That should be standard for all carers but it isn’t always unfortunately) Again my mum raised me a very empathetic way and to see the things that people regularly overlook in life. She is a deeply compassionate woman more than I’ve ever known anyone to be in this life.

OP posts:
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marmite123456 · 26/06/2026 09:01

Screamingabdabz · 11/04/2026 23:56

I’m glad your mother instilled empathy in you but I don’t see anything particularly outstanding about your upbringing. All of the kids I knew who grew up in the 70s had similar attitudes to boundaries and the behaviour of children in other people’s houses. This was largely due to post war social and moral attitudes about respect for authority and other people’s property.

I would love the GRT community to embrace issues around education and aspiration for their girls and young women.

You sound lovely, but just like every other child of the 70's. I am one. We all asked before doing anything ( like going to the loo), ate what was put in front of us even if it was your best friends mum terrible cooking etc. Are you in your 50's OP because you sound like me and I'm from an Anglo family.

overnightangel · 25/06/2026 19:56

I’ve never found travellers anything but trouble when I’ve encountered them.

Stealing from the shop I worked in.

Harassing young women in town.

Rammed a horse into the back of a partner’s car then horse whipped him.

Trashed the hotel I worked in at a wedding including leaving soiled nappies everywhere possible.

and so on and so on ad nauseum.

If all you encounter over a 25 year period of time from a demographic, in lots of different environments and scenarios is appalling, entitled, aggressive behaviours, you are well within your rights to form an opinion that they are a bad group of people. Not all cultures are equal.

CoffeeCantata · 13/04/2026 11:05

OP, you sound like a lovely, caring, intelligent, empathetic person so I don't mean this to be personal to you.

But long experience (not prejudice, experience) of Traveller culture has left me with no respect for it at all. I've known Traveller families and also people who've been ostracised by their Traveller relations for living a 21st century, tolerant, enlightened lifestyle (ie, the lifestyle enjoyed by most people in this country today).

Problems I have with Traveller culture:

  • the way boys are brought up to fight from toddler age
  • the attitude to other races, those with learning difficulties (the Travellers locally used to jeer and call insults at the adults with learning difficulties from the local community centre. They taught their children to do this and it was very hard (as a teacher) to fight this attitude.
  • the cruelty to animals (I've had to report appalling neglect of horses on 2 occasions, and the RSPCA man rolled his eyes and basically said 'Oh no, not THEM again!")
  • Moving on to local land and wrecking it for the farmer - who had to pay over £20K to restore it for safe use.
  • Going through my local shops shoplifting like a whirlwind. One woman with a small children's clothing business was in tears afterwards.
  • Trying to con my friend to pay them for work which OTHER TRADESMEN HAD JUST COMPLETED! A Traveller called at her door to say 'the lads have finished - I've come to collect the money'. She was just about to do so when she thought she'd better check with her husband -who'd paid the legitimate people already!
  • Not to mention the wedding I sang at (member of a small choir) where neither the church nor we got paid for our considerable efforts. And they parked all over the shop so that our choir were trapped for an extra hour and a half.

I'll leave it there, but please, I never want to hear about how Travellers are misjudged and subjected to prejudice. I speak from bitter experience.

transitvanwoes · 13/04/2026 08:14

Thanks for the thread OP, I work on a project with Traveller women and contributed on the previous AMA. I don't have any experience with Romany gypsies or Roma, but feel well acquainted with Irish Traveller culture.
I get what you are saying about the culture being idolised on social media, there are always so many comments asking how can I become a Traveller or marry a Traveller man. They seem to mostly be young women who aspire to live a life cleaning out of nice flowery buckets but don't realize that the cleaning is only one aspect of the culture.
I agree there is a lot of good in the culture (strong family ties) but every single woman I know has so much trauma embedded too. The women I work with are not the stereotypical My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding type where they are all glamorous and decked out in designer clothes. They are all in poverty, living in council houses (live in a trailer in their parents' drive way until they get their own council house) and the men spend a lot of time in prison, so they are essentially single mothers to a lot of children, many of whom have serious disabilities.
My women are great but they certainly don't have a lot of choice, they are only in the project because it's exclusively for Traveller women, they wouldn't be allowed to mix with other women. Children leave school very early and education is not valued at all, our LA has incentives to encourage parents from early years upwards to send their DC to school.
A woman mixing with non Traveller women would be 'marked'. DV is rife and considered part and parcel of married life. Many women are married to their double cousin (cousin from both maternal and paternal side) and this can be the cause of a lot of problems.
The outcomes for Travellers in the UK is one of the worst regarding health, education, housing and poverty. Sadly it's the insistence to "stick to our ways" that is largely the cause and the cycle just continues.
ETA this is only the women in our Traveller community, I'm aware that there are other communities especially in Ireland where women and men go on to third level education and are pioneering change, which is fantastic.

HelenaWaiting · 13/04/2026 06:22

Greyblankie · 11/04/2026 23:45

Also the fact that your mum didn’t steal isn’t something to be especially proud of - it’s normal!

I'm of Roma heritage. I'm assuming the OP made her comment about not stealing because we're always being accused of being thieves.

ExpressCheckout · 13/04/2026 06:10

@TT0107 thank you for answering my question

Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 21:34

@RunSlowTalkFast I said go back to the times my mum grew up in, just the times of the 60s-80s as I feel I don’t fit in with the times I’m living in. That has nothing to do with my mum going to school. And yes nobody taught me to read. I was a non verbal child until year 3. I just didn’t talk to teachers at school at all, I wanted to be sat away from everybody by myself and be the observer rather than intertwined with the class. I have answered the questions about girls being taught to clean, travellers have their own ways of cleaning and keeping the home so the girls are taught these ways. It’s nothing sinister: it’s no different to a regular person giving their child chores, just with travellers they are taught a specific way to clean. And again if the woman wants to be financially dependent on a man then she can be, if she wants to go get a job then she can it’s her choice. The women who choose to stay at home are living a life within their own community sometimes surrounded by family especially if they’re living on a site. It’s a happy & loving environment being surrounded by all your cousins, aunts, uncles ect if that is the way the set up is on that site. But when travellers meet they quite often find out they’re related one way or another anyway. They look after the kids and keep the home, don’t want for nothing and spend their free time shopping, making their self look the part. Basically like a rich housewife if you will. That’s their choice. I don’t want that life for me because I’m just not that way inclined and I also don’t raise my daughters to feel they have to be dependent on a man. I don’t raise my daughters to feel entitled all together tbh. I don’t make my kids clean my home or cook. My kids live a regular lifestyle except the core values of honour, kindness, gratitude and respect that my mum taught me. As for my sons coming out as gay, I’d prefer if that didn’t happen but regardless I’d still love them and treat them no different. My oldest sister is actually in a relationship with a woman. She had my nephew at a young age and then went with women and hasn’t looked back. They have a child together now. I wouldn’t say being gay is typically accepted and there’s going to be a lot who will never come out but in my immediate family that isn’t a problem. Just because you’re a traveller doesn’t mean you can’t be gay because you’re bound by culture, or even that just because you’re a traveller you can’t be honest, kind or educated. For some it’s a problem in their family to be gay but not mine.

OP posts:
RunSlowTalkFast · 12/04/2026 20:56

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 12:56

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta I wish I could go back to the times my mum grew up in. I like the simple way of life and don’t like the way society is today and I whole heartedly believe that children are given too many privileges today. As a child no one taught me how to read and write, I was just able to pick up a book and knew how to read. I remember being the only child in year 2 who didn’t need support reading in class and being able to pick whichever book I wanted, there were no restrictions with having to be within my level bracket. I appreciated the small things in life even as a child and that wasn’t because I came from a disadvantaged home who had little or nothing. I teach my 8 year old child that she also has to take it upon herself to come home and get a book out and read independently and that she can spontaneously do things herself without always needing support or guidance. She is aware that I didn’t have that support as a child growing up and I’ve explained to her that I still would come home and learn my times tables, spellings and reading by myself.

This post has thrown me a bit. How can you say you want to go back to the times your mum was brought up when she said wasn't taught to read or write?

I don't understand what you said about being able to spontaneously be able to read? Are you saying nobody at home or at school ever read a book to your or taught you the alphabet or anything but you were just able to pick up any book and read it?

I feel like you've avoided answering a couple of questions like why are girls (only girls) taught to cook and clean from a young age and then leave school and teach the younger girls? I know you say they want a traditional like but it's a life that teaches boys to go and earn money and teaches girls to serve men and be completely financially dependent on them.

Also the question about how you and the community wound reach to your/their own child coming out as gay.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 20:35

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:36

@LiviaDrusillaAugustaThankyou I appreciate. I know some travellers really do ask for trouble and bring a bad name upon all of us but there is good ones of us about. I really do believe everyone should be held accountable in life so I can accept the general stereotypes but it’s also nice when someone can be open minded to that there’s good in there too. My mum always says travellers aren’t what they used to be and that a lot of the younger ones now give a bad name.

In all honesty OP, this thread has changed my opinion (and I don’t usually admit that 🤣)

You have taken quite a kicking (including from me 😔) but you are clearly a good person and, reading back, have taken everything with more grace than I could!

ScrimMN · 12/04/2026 20:14

@TT0107 I’ve really enjoyed reading through your posts, you sound like a lovely person with an interesting life and I’m so happy you went into caring

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 20:12

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:56

@QueenofDestruction I’m type 1 diabetic and don’t have that worry. I wouldn’t take my shoes off in a house where the floors were very dirty anyway so if I have them off it means the floors are clean and I could see anything that could potentially stab into my feet.

That's fine for you I am a type 1 too and have been one for so many years that I would not feel anything stabbing my foot and as neuropathy is so weird its too painful to wear socks I will keep my shoes on. I am not saying that cultures arent different I am saying one is not rude over the other and what is good manners differs. At the same time someone can have a shoe off policy and I can refuse to enter as to me it's rude, but I am not the ultimate decider of acceptable behaviour.

InsaneRise · 12/04/2026 20:01

@TT0107 we went to a festival once and the traveller field was the one that organised a lot of great activities for the children, so having young children ourselves, we hung out a lot there.

Can you say more about what your childhood was like. Were you in bricks and mortar by then? Did you have a sense of community?

I can see that you have strong values and knowing a little about care work and care workers can see how your values will be something that will make you particularly stand out to the people you care for.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 19:35

Dery · 12/04/2026 19:17

… showing terrible prejudice…

We are a shoes off household. My DH is Arab by origin and that is the habit in his family of origin. I have also spent quite a lot of time in a couple of Eastern European countries where it’s normal.

i know it is usual in many cultures.

But it isn’t so cut and dried in the UK in general. It’s possible to not know people who are shoes off.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 19:33

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 19:12

For various reasons my carpets are in a mess and anyone who tries to take their shoes off is very much encouraged to put them straight back on again.

In the future, when I've finished renovating and decorating, and when I have new carpets, it'll definitely be no shoes allowed other than in the kitchen.

All shoes are dirty if you've been outside in them.

How do you know the ‘spare shoes’ haven’t been worn outside? Or will you provide the used slippers/environmentally
hideous shoe covers?

Dery · 12/04/2026 19:17

… showing terrible prejudice…

We are a shoes off household. My DH is Arab by origin and that is the habit in his family of origin. I have also spent quite a lot of time in a couple of Eastern European countries where it’s normal.

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 19:12

For various reasons my carpets are in a mess and anyone who tries to take their shoes off is very much encouraged to put them straight back on again.

In the future, when I've finished renovating and decorating, and when I have new carpets, it'll definitely be no shoes allowed other than in the kitchen.

All shoes are dirty if you've been outside in them.

Dery · 12/04/2026 19:09

@TT0107 - i just wanted to say thank you so much for posting. Unfortunately some posters here are shoeing terrible prejudice but I have found the insights you are providing into Romany/Traveller life really interesting and illuminating. Thanks again.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 18:56

The only time I have ever seen navel gazing about shoes on or off is on here. Everyone is very keen to say why they insist on it and make everyone do it, so it’s pretty clear, if a little neurotic. Like the PP I don’t know anyone who has a shoes off policy.

There is a rationale behind both choices. Luckily I don’t live in an area where people are apparently wading through dog shit and spit. And I prefer not to make visitors uncomfortable or inconvenience them, but perhaps that’s just me 🤷‍♀️

If you want to call me ignorant then crack on.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:45

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 17:29

Not unusual for you and the people you know.

Which is not the same as not unusual.

Show quote history

I don't think it's unusual to keep your shoes on. I don't think it's unusual to take your shoes off. I haven't placed a value judgement on the former, I simply pointed out the reasoning behind the latter because I have met just as many families who take their shoes off as keep them on. The idea that it's unusual or rude to take them off comes across as a little ignorant, especially when there is a rationale for it. A PP seemed proud of the fact no one she knows well removes their shoes which suggests she has never bothered to enquire why people may do things differently to her and her immediate friends...

Stepping out of this thread now because clearly nuance is lacking on Mumsnet today...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 17:29

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:26

You are missing the point which is that it's not so unusual and not really a rude request. It's just something people do differently.

A builder who came to my friend's house this week automatically put on shoe covers which he pulled out from a whole bag he keeps. It's a thing now. And tbf not everyone is a Type 1 diabetic (which I imagine isn't easy so that wasn't meant in a snarky way)

Show quote history

Not unusual for you and the people you know.

Which is not the same as not unusual.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 17:28

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 12/04/2026 16:52

Surely you don't have shoes on with bare feet? Confused If you do (like you wear sandals,) then take slippers or flip flops with you when you go to someone else's house! No-one should have to have mud dragged around their house.

Show quote history

Er no thanks. I’m not risking breaking my neck walking round in my socks.

Most people are intelligent enough to know when the bottoms of their shoes are dirty. And how do you know that their flip flops have never touched the outside world?

The only other alternative is to lend visitors some skanky slippers that god-knows-who has worn.

Like a PP, I’m not risking my health (diabetic). If it means I can’t go then fine. luckily the people I know wouldn’t be so thoughtless

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:26

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 16:50

Not if you are a diabetic, I would never take my shoes off irs far too dangerous I have no idea what is on someone else's floor. I do not go into houses with this rule fortunately nobody I know well has it.

Show quote history

You are missing the point which is that it's not so unusual and not really a rude request. It's just something people do differently.

A builder who came to my friend's house this week automatically put on shoe covers which he pulled out from a whole bag he keeps. It's a thing now. And tbf not everyone is a Type 1 diabetic (which I imagine isn't easy so that wasn't meant in a snarky way)

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:23

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 14:59

Here we go… it’s gone into shoes on/off. Both is normal, just depends what you are used to. (It’s not very considerate walking manky socks or bare feet or, even worse, second hand slippers through the house).

Show quote history

Calm yourself down. I was just pointing out the reason people do it and that it's not a weird request.

Original poster
TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:56

@QueenofDestruction I’m type 1 diabetic and don’t have that worry. I wouldn’t take my shoes off in a house where the floors were very dirty anyway so if I have them off it means the floors are clean and I could see anything that could potentially stab into my feet.

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 12/04/2026 16:52

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 16:50

Not if you are a diabetic, I would never take my shoes off irs far too dangerous I have no idea what is on someone else's floor. I do not go into houses with this rule fortunately nobody I know well has it.

Show quote history

Surely you don't have shoes on with bare feet? Confused If you do (like you wear sandals,) then take slippers or flip flops with you when you go to someone else's house! No-one should have to have mud dragged around their house.

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