AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

Apologies, I misread that you had already retired.

I do stand by the rest of my post about choices and either owning them or being master of your own destiny and making changes.

You sound so bitter. Focus on what you have, not someone else's life, or it'll eat you up. And you might lose the friendship because she can tell you're envious.

Yawn. It doesn’t make me feel better - I am very happy with my life, because it’s my life and I feel I have a good degree of control over it. I have made my own choices and learnt from both the positive and negative consequences. I do not waste my time being jealous of others and am interested in my friends, their lives and what makes them tick. To make assumptions about their lives - either that they must be blissfully happy, or that they must be miserable, and not take an interest in them and their real feelings seems, to me, to demonstrate a distinct lack of genuine interest in other human beings.

I think you need to appreciate the security of you both having public sector jobs. My husband and I don't earn as much as lots of our friends but we have never had to worry about contracts coming to an end or redundancy and will have reasonable pensions. Your friend has probably had lots of stress with her husband starting his own business and made lots of sacrifices while he works long hours so they deserve to have reaped some rewards. Women who haven't worked/earned very little and have no pension are in a very poor position if they divorce so be grateful that you would be ok if it happened to you. In life there are the people who set up businesses and take risks, like your friend and her husband, and those who work steadily and securely, like you and your husband, so it's pointless to envy those who take a braver route than you as it probably wouldn't have suited you.

@ThanksItHasPockets I'm not trying to impose a subtext -I literally just accepted your explanation and said I didn't intend to 'reach'. I have also mentioned previously that my experience is regional, referencing the trusts operating in my county, and city in particular. Things may be different where you are, reflecting our different experiences.

Because some people’s happiness relies on knowing others are struggling. It’s a horrible way to be.

Having a perfect life is a long way from having issues, many people are happy. It isn’t a fairy story. But if it makes you feel better to think it is, then that’s ok too.

You literally pointed out all the problems that OPs friend may have. It’s weird. Either be happy with your own situation or do something to change it. Sitting there thinking ‘they may have a better house than me……but they have this problem and that problem and maybe they’re in debt and maybe they won’t be able to sell their house etc’ is weird. My mum thought like that, she remained miserable.

You're 57 not 67 or 77 you're perfectly capable and educated enough to fund your own retirement. Yabvvvvvu

But they may not have issues and may be living a wonderful, happy life. Why not assume they are.

If she had had less than you, what you have felt?

Envy destroys happiness. I hope you can escape that feeling soon.

Or, it’s like, point out to yourself that fairy stories are fantasies. Nobody has a perfect life. It’s a good way of reminding someone to focus on their own issues, not to waste their time assuming other people don’t have any.

Or, it’s like, point out to yourself that fairy stories are fantasies. Nobody has a perfect life. It’s a good way of reminding someone to focus on their own issues, not to waste their time assuming other people don’t have any.

That's not necessarily true - it depends entirely on the nature of the business. Sometimes, a few years of hard work initially leads to many years of stress free, high returns.

Teaching does not attract a ‘rubbish’ salary and few, if any, do it as a ‘hobby’ or for ‘pocket money’. How insulting.

I was not trying to make her feel better. Why on earth would it make someone feel better to think their friend might actually have worries of her own?!?! What a weird viewpoint you have on other people’s motivations.

I’m sorry @TheAngryPuxie you sound very frustrated and unhappy, and you also sound like you are very stressed and overworked. While more money can really help, it doesn’t automatically lead to happiness. I wonder if there is anything that you can do to change things within your own life, that would make life feel easier, happier, and reduce the frustration and resentment that you feel? I also suspect that you might be focussing on the lower household income that you have (due to your lower earning dh), when actually there may be bigger issues that are causing you unhappiness. I wasn’t sure if you meant in your post that your dh finishes at 3.00pm, then doesn’t contribute to household tasks / family things - that for me woukd be a major issue. It sounds like you are carrying a significant burden, and I think you are not wrong in feeling a huge amount of resentment towards him if that is the case - this needs dealing with, otherwise it is going to continue eating away at you. I would also look at your employment - is there a different setting you can work in, or could you switch sectors and find a job that utilises all your transferable skills? The other thing to think about is that if you do need to work up until state retirement age, then you should start thinking about how to switch to a role that is much more sustainable for you as you get older. It sounds like you may be in burn-out from your current role. Good luck. (Sorry my response is slightly off at a tangent, but you sound like you are struggling - and I don’t think that is just because of your relative household income)..

But on the flip side, lots of people running successful businesses will amass millions over a lifetime - which is why they can afford a beautiful home and a life of luxury.

Absolutely agree. And it’s very common. Sadly, it’s like well just tell yourself there life is miserable in other ways, then you will feel good again, it’s horrible at its core.

Yes, but you’re trying to make her feel better by saying they might be struggling in some way. It’s a weird thing to make yourself feel better by pointing out others might be having issues. You need to be able to be happy even if everyone around you is doing better than you, you need to be ok with your own life as you will never be truly happy.

I'm really not - I'm commenting entirely from my own (fairly extensive) experience, and the co-ordinating conjunction 'but' was there to show the contrast between the two groups of people. You don't get to insert entirely fictional subtexts on other people's posts because they don't directly support your perspective.

This is reminding me why I don't get drawn into threads about teaching any more. Teachers get cross if you don't agree with their every experience and everyone else just wants to teacher-bash. You keep fighting the good fight but I'm out.

I wouldn’t class it as high paying. For the amount of work required to do it well and the difficulty in dealing with some children and parents, it’s not high reward in any way imo.

So your pension income will be

DH - £20k + £12k state = £32k pa
OP - £10k + £12k state = £22k pa

Total = £52k pa

If your mortgage will be paid off, that’s a decent income.

I’m a single mum and separated from an ex who earns well (80K) and who will inherit a massive estate (1 million plus). Though I’m highly educated and professionally skilled, I work in a creative field with declining pay and make about 40K, with no pay increases, which just about covers costs plus I still get some child maintenance but won’t for much longer. I am sometimes envious of people with bigger homes, gardens, lots of space, money for fabulous holidays. I have to plan really carefully for my semi-retirement (I’m also late 50s) - I’ll probably keep working part-time as long as I can, I’ll be able to downsize eventually to be mortgage-free, and along with a small private pension and state pension I should be OK.

But I walked away from my ex’s wealth and the very comfortable later life I could have had. Another woman has that benefit now and I wouldn’t swap with her for the world. If you are happy in your relationship (or without one), that’s worth more IMO than a massive house. Of course if you have wealth and happiness too that’s great, but as PPs have said many wives of wealthy husbands with big houses are not necessarily having a great time.

YABU because you’ve been together and working for decades. If you wanted a better retirement your husband AND you should have prioritised that long ago.

I can promise you your friend with the husband with a business definitely did that, I bet they made some sacrifices over the years. Having a successful business takes risk, sacrifices and a lot of hard graft. While those of us in employed work enjoy a lot more stability. But we all make choices.