AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

I'm not a teacher so I'm not sure of the ins and outs. My mam was a nurse and got an NHS pension which was great, but I know she still has to be careful with money so it's a world away from someone living in a five bed house with land and taking long holidays.

Ah yes, the kick in the teeth that is the TPS, pretty much the best pension it’s possible to have.

Yes, but that hasn’t happened here. OP’s husband has stuck at M6. Absent a restructuring you will acknowledge that’s odd for someone of his age.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

You and your husband chose a typical working class career, that promises security and pension and of course, the ability to successfully strike for a decent payrise. You have never been refused a mortgage, or even had to worry whether you will be able to pay it: You have regular paycheck after regular paycheck and an annual raise. You have child-friendly hours and have never had to shell out for holiday care. When you retire, you will have enough money for saga holidays and the M&S foodhall.

If you have the creativity and cojones to start your own business, there are years of no money and paying yourself no/little salary while the business takes hold. There is terrifying unpredicitability about whether you can afford to buy a house and then keep it. Any variable percentage of what you make will be taken from you every year, depending on what the government decides will win voters. You cannot decide what to pay your staff, who can go off sick any time and still get paid by you, who can be incompetent and still get paid by you. If you try to stop paying people who are not even providing you a service, you will end up in an employment tribunal. When the latest US oil acquisition campaign occurs, you worry about your overheads and whether you will even have a business next year. You work longer hours and get more stressed, while your partner supports you and your family. You pray that we don't get another pandemic: People making banana bread don't buy your product and you will lose everything.

Take the bird in the hand and sleep well at night.

I get where you are coming from. Those of us who choose vocation jobs don't get paid so well but get a great sense of positive contribution. Then retirement comes and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

Yes your friend has a big house and holidays, but you have a husband with a shared vocation and lots of shared experience. If you don't know what the husband does, does that mean the friend hasn't explained it? She may not be involved in his business at all, may not feel any sense of emotional connection to it. There could be things missing from her life that you and your husband have a wealth of.

@LittleBearPad I know of teachers whose contracts following restructuring have been conditional on remaining on (or reverting to) M6. If there are reasons why a teacher wishes to remain in their role, they just have to suck it up. It's no different than in other sectors but teachers' pay and conditions in practice are not necessarily what they seem on paper.

@TheAngryPuxiethe teaching pension is one of the best out there - it’s not vulnerable to the fluctuations of the stock market, its index linked so will rise with inflation every year and you get a handsome lump sum as well as your monthly payment.

in theory you and your dh could be quids in come retirement. If one or both of you chose to remain at a lower grade rather than go for promotions, or you stopped work/ only worked part time then obviously your pension is reduced. But those are choices.

Your friend may seem very well off at the moment but what if her husband gets ill/ dies/business goes down the shitter…? She could actually be in real trouble. A huge house must cost quite a lot in upkeep. Does she even have her own pension provision?

honestly, being envious gets you nowhere. It’s also quite sad that in this day and age you aspire to a well- off husband rather than taking your own abilities and earning capacity seriously.

@Katie0909 you obviously don’t teach a subject that is at risk. My subject was erased & although I do teach another subject that’s also potentially at risk. I’ve been up for redundancy 3 times now & have managed to keep my job but it’s not quite as straightforward as you say.

I am now older & expensive so at risk of being pushed out.

I agree.
As usual, most MNetters are saints. 🤣
IRL, I hear envy of the fortunate expressed on a regular basis, especially at work.

Natural to have an attack of the green monster when you've just visited someone's amazing home, and are going back to your less amazing home and high stress job!
Think of the positives of your life and your choices when you can.

Yes but he’s older than OP, say 60 odd. He would have a been crossing threshold well over 20 years ago when budgets etc were less tight and it wasn’t so hard.

I get what you’re saying about now but that doesn’t explain why he got stuck then.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Life isn’t always fair. Some people are fortunate. They might come from a family with a lot of money who help them, they might get a lucky break or win the lottery, they might marry someone with money. You are comparing yourself with people who have a lot. You could just as easily compare yourself with someone who develops a debilitating serious health condition or has a child with severe disabilities and has to give up work. There will be many people worse off than you. Best to stay in your own lane and enjoy life as best you can. Becoming resentful just makes you unhappy. I have to admit that I sometimes think things haven’t come easy but focusing on thoughts like that doesn’t improve anything. I don’t know how imagining that these people might be unhappy in other ways would help, they’re unhappiness wouldn’t increase your happiness.

These are really valid points and I agree with you.

But i more read OP’s post that her children were largely grown-up and what she was resenting was her retirement choices/future lifestyle as an empty-nester. My point was just that you need to consider future lifestyle at the point you marry. I’m not saying pick someone based on money. But rather accept if you marry a teacher that early retirement in a 5-bed house is unlikely - unless you want to be the breadwinner. Someone mentioned in an early post being accountable for your choices and I do think, if we all fully owned the likely future consequences of our choices when making them, it would remove a lot of later resentment.

Yikes- this is an ugly post, it basically reeks of “I’m jealous if my mates cause they married rich” poor you!
if you wanted that sort of lifestyle that’s up to you to get it, not look down on or feel bitter towards your husband because he hasn’t achieved that for you?!
maybe you need to start looking at what you perceive to be wealth, it’s not always money I can assure you.
maybe your friends rent? Maybe they are up to their eyeballs in debt, maybe they have full credit cards who knows - point is if you want those things you need to get them yourself and lose the ‘poor me’ attitude 🙄

You don’t know what their whole life is like, everyone has traumas and concerns that you know nothing about. Maybe they inherited money, which isn’t always a happy event.
It’s true that teachers don’t earn a fortune, but they have job security, enough to live well on and have a decent pension.So long as you have enough, happiness is in relationships, and not in flash properties.Enjoy your life.

I am jealous of them too, I want a house like that and to be a SAHM!

It's on you really, you should have decided how important money and material things are to you at the beginning of your career.
You were never going to afford the lifestyle you describe as a teacher- expecting your husband to be ambitious instead is simply not fair, presumably he wanted to teach like you did- why should he have to sacrifice what he wanted?
Being envious will just steal the joy from the life you have, and truly you only have yourself to blame- you see the big house and the retirement, but have you seen the struggle of the early years with them trying to get a business off the ground (over 75% of businesses fail in the first five years, this might be the 2nd or 3rd try)it's stupid to feel envious when you don't see the whole picture.the average salary is about £37,000, so your friends are not typical-perhaps get some different friends.

If your husband will have an annual pension of £20k, you will have £10k, and you each will have the full state pension, that is a combined annual income of £55k. This is quite good and much better than the average retired couple, who have £30k between them.

Assuming you have paid off your mortgage and your children are self sufficient by the time you retire, you should be comfortable.

There will always be people with more. Comparing yourself to them will just make you miserable.

Re: @TheAngryPuxie ‘s dh’s aspirations… surely one could accept a spouse being ambitious and very focused on career, and contributing less time and effort into child-rearing and household stuff (and earning well) OR not being so ambitious, and not focussing on career, or putting extra hours into career, but then putting more effort into child-rearing and family / household stuff - but OP’s dh seems to have done neither….? While OP has to shoulder the burden of working long hours in a job she doesn’t enjoy, while taking on the lion’s share of child-rearing and housework, while her dh has a lower-stress role, finishes at 3.00pm, and then doesn’t contribute to household stuff. I’d be furious about that too, to be honest.

You have no idea about seetting up, owning and running a business do you? Do you think it 'just happened' and became suffessful all by itself with little input from your friend's husband and her supporting him?

Would you be prepared to take the risk that starting a business entails? Would you have been prepared to support your husband to do that or did you want secure jobs for both of you, knowing that your salary would always be paid?

You and your husband made your own choices for the life you wanted, you clearly did not want the uncertainty, risk and presssure that starting and running a business entails. You lacked the courage to do as your friend and her husband did and now you are eaten up with envy because their hard woirk and gamble paid off, and running a business, making and keeping it a success is a gamble and hard work you only have to look around at the number of businesses that failed/are failing.

If you wanted the lifestyle of your friends then you could have made the choice to ensure that, you didn't and to bleat that life isn't fair because of your own decisions is daft.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. It’s hard not to feel envious of others sometimes.

I think where she’s being unreasonable is resenting her husband who - presumably - never pretended to be super career-driven and earnings orientated.

But who you marry IS a financial/lifestyle decision just as much as the career you choose yourself. I dont mean this in a mercenary way - just a factual way that it will determine the lifestyle you can afford. I think people romanticise marriage when younger and then are resentful when older - and this is where the being unreasonable creeps in

Why do you need your husband to be more ambitious? If you wanted a better lifestyle why weren't you more ambitious? I don't understand why you think it's his job to earn more? Do explain? If you are relying on someone else to fund your lifestyle there's always a chance that they will leave you and the gravy train will end, like the countless women on here who post. YOU should have been more ambitious and chosen a career that has monetary reward if you wanted the fancy lifestyle, what was stopping you? And don't say children, plenty of women have children and earn 6 figures+, I work with many of them, my boss is on north of 150k and had 3 children, her husband didn't earn much (she told me this, she only took a few months mat leave), she's around 60.

It's easy to slip into that kind of thinking. But what if retirement isn't so great? Think about what you do value in your current life. This is so important.
I'm in a similar boat - won't be retiring any time soon, unless through ill health. Someone I know worked for years with a good job, retired in her 50s. Now she is busy as a foster mum, giving back. It's the choices you make. Remember why you made them and be content. And remember there is no correlation between what someone has materially in life and their value as human being. None whatsoever. That's my advice.

As someone who was brought up by a couple in a family toxic relationship (my dad was definitely financially abusive, emotionally too) every time I pass a big house I quietly hope that everyone living there is okay because as I get older I realise that these negative set ups with one person financially dependant on a not too kind wealthier partner are actually a lot more common than you think.

So id say in your case one in the hand is definitely worth two in the bush. You don’t know what sort of lifestyles lie under these grand facades and if you have a kind husband who respects you and you can have a laugh together I’d say you’re absolutely winning. No amount of spare bedrooms and fancy holidays abroad can bring peace of mind.

You sound pretty awful about your husband - how come YOU can’t earn more? Maybe OP - try and be a bit more grateful as you’re coming across as pretty god damn awful on here - I feel bad for you husband.