Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

541 replies

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 21:30

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

OP posts:
Hoppity80 · 12/04/2026 00:00

Allrightonthenight1 · 11/04/2026 23:17

This isn't quite true.

You accrue 1.75% of your salary for each full year worked, index linked, for a combined contribution equal to 38% of your salary.

Assuming you earned £10k pa more in an equivalent level private sector role and both you and your employer invest 10% quite aggressively for 30 years, your pot will surely generate an income greater than TPS.

It is index linked. You would really struggle to get equivalent in private sector no matter how hard you saved unless you were very senior at an exceptionally generous business

CalmPlumDog · 11/04/2026 23:59

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:56

An 'excellent career' earning less than minimum wage for the hours you put in, being sworn at and disrespected by teenagers everyday. Yoy are clearly not a teacher!

It’s well advertised that you earn a relatively significant more than minimum wage as a teacher providing you follow the progression routes. Which you need to do in any career to earn more anyway. Their hard work is admired and it’s not something that I or many others could cope with! But the monetary aspect is nowhere near as bad as many claim

Boreded · 11/04/2026 23:59

TestTickle · 11/04/2026 23:54

You must be in the generation that still profited from reasonable house prices and low or no student debt though. It's those of us born 10 years later (and after) who really got kicked there.

You are 57…you had it golden 🫣

TestTickle · 11/04/2026 23:59

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:56

An 'excellent career' earning less than minimum wage for the hours you put in, being sworn at and disrespected by teenagers everyday. Yoy are clearly not a teacher!

You seem to have conveniently forgotten the long holidays

Many people work teacher length hours on similar pay without the long holidays to compensate.

And all the secondary school teachers I know have a side line in tutoring which suggests the "day job" hours aren't that dreadful. Many do exam marking in the summer too

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:59

EmeraldRoulette · 11/04/2026 21:58

@TheAngryPuxie also I don't think your friend bought that house without some other source of income.

Not a criticism, just an observation.

Yeah - her husband's money. He owns his own business.

OP posts:
TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:56

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/04/2026 23:27

Yes, Yabu. There is more to life than money, you have had an excellent career as has your husband.
Money isn’t everything.
I am sure you’ll have a pension too. Don’t waste your time stressing.
Get some lower earning friends, it’ll balance things out.,

An 'excellent career' earning less than minimum wage for the hours you put in, being sworn at and disrespected by teenagers everyday. Yoy are clearly not a teacher!

OP posts:
TestTickle · 11/04/2026 23:55

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:52

I know that really. It just amazes me what other people have.

But people get wealth (or visible wealth ) in all sorts of ways)

  • hard work/skill
  • good luck/inheritance
  • Dodgy deals and exploitation
  • heavy debt or no pensions

Just focus on your own life and what you can do

You must both have decent pension pots surely?

NormasArse · 11/04/2026 23:55

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:51

Not fair. You don't know what if's truly like until you've given it some time. By the time it becomes intolerable you can't afford to train for anything else.

It’s not a great job anymore, I agree, but you’ll get a decent pension.

I also agree with the quit whining. It is what it is now. You could diversify if you really wanted to.

truffleruffle · 11/04/2026 23:54

I should add I was a nurse for 38 years with small pension. Totals income with husband’s £32000. I know people on benefits earning more but I worked for mine and enjoy.

TestTickle · 11/04/2026 23:54

You must be in the generation that still profited from reasonable house prices and low or no student debt though. It's those of us born 10 years later (and after) who really got kicked there.

KerryPippin · 11/04/2026 23:53

Is this a new friend? Do you seriously want a massive house with 4+ bathrooms and a garden house...who do you live with, just dh?

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:52

Wordsmithery · 11/04/2026 23:15

I find the whole tone of your post a bit insulting. Rude about your husband, for a start. Why couldn't you have had some ambition and earned more? And I can't imagine anyone doing teaching as a hobby. You say yourself how stressful it is.
Real wealth is having a loving marriage, healthy children, good friends. Not comparing and being self-,pitying.

I know that really. It just amazes me what other people have.

OP posts:
TestTickle · 11/04/2026 23:52

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:48

I'm just a bit old-fashioned, I suppose, and I was the one having babies, cleaning, cooking, etc. He ginidhes at 3 and just comes home snd rsrely brings any work home. More money for less work.

Most of the teachers I know do tuition on the side. Is that an option for either /both of you?
My children have tutors and they all had waiting lists! And charge a lot. And that's on top of them working full time at the school.

Boreded · 11/04/2026 23:52

You have chosen to retire early, now you are complaining that you don’t have as much as someone else.

feel sorry for the next generation because we won’t have anything near the wealth of the pensioners now

NormasArse · 11/04/2026 23:51

converseandjeans · 11/04/2026 21:52

We’re both teachers & DH doesn’t get a TLR & is only UPS1. I have been PT since having kids & do an additional job on top of my PT. But we are in a much smaller house than the majority of my friends & pension will be modest. I didn’t really think along those lines when I was younger tbh & didn’t go for promotion when kids were younger & now I’m too old & tired. So yes I am in the same position. I think a lot of people on MN have a partner who earns well so you might not get much sympathy or empathy!

A lot of people are single too…

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:51

Minjou · 11/04/2026 23:20

You chose this. You chose to train, you chose your job, you chose to stay. You choose every day to keep doing it.
So quit whining and own it

Not fair. You don't know what if's truly like until you've given it some time. By the time it becomes intolerable you can't afford to train for anything else.

OP posts:
horrifiedandunsure · 11/04/2026 23:51

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 23:50

There are also lots of decent guys who just happen to have high paying jobs.

Im sure there are. Am unfortunately yet to meet one as corporate wife

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 23:50

horrifiedandunsure · 11/04/2026 23:47

I have an incredibly rich husband. Beautiful huge house with a swimming pool.
i am so so so unhappy. Yes money makes things easier but there’s a certain type of man who makes the big money. I think I would have taken the nice teacher if I had my time again.

There are also lots of decent guys who just happen to have high paying jobs.

truffleruffle · 11/04/2026 23:49

My income is 32000 pre tax in retirement. I manage fine. Don’t spend lots of money but enjoy lunch with friends and grandkids days out.

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:48

Wordsmithery · 11/04/2026 23:15

I find the whole tone of your post a bit insulting. Rude about your husband, for a start. Why couldn't you have had some ambition and earned more? And I can't imagine anyone doing teaching as a hobby. You say yourself how stressful it is.
Real wealth is having a loving marriage, healthy children, good friends. Not comparing and being self-,pitying.

I'm just a bit old-fashioned, I suppose, and I was the one having babies, cleaning, cooking, etc. He ginidhes at 3 and just comes home snd rsrely brings any work home. More money for less work.

OP posts:
horrifiedandunsure · 11/04/2026 23:47

I have an incredibly rich husband. Beautiful huge house with a swimming pool.
i am so so so unhappy. Yes money makes things easier but there’s a certain type of man who makes the big money. I think I would have taken the nice teacher if I had my time again.

ModestlyPrudent · 11/04/2026 23:44

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:41

Me too. His pension will be about £20,000. Mine is about half that because I went part time when I had chidren (God forgive ne for actually wanting to spend some time with mumy own children!) and in my subject the workload is ridiculous and you can't work full time, deal with a family and manage a home too.

I’m so ignorant when it comes to pensions. Is that £20k a year plus state pension?

SlipperyLizard · 11/04/2026 23:44

Allrightonthenight1 · 11/04/2026 23:17

This isn't quite true.

You accrue 1.75% of your salary for each full year worked, index linked, for a combined contribution equal to 38% of your salary.

Assuming you earned £10k pa more in an equivalent level private sector role and both you and your employer invest 10% quite aggressively for 30 years, your pot will surely generate an income greater than TPS.

The highest employer pension contribution I have ever had has been 8%, and I’ve worked for “good” employers (private medical insurance, generous holiday).

Yes the pay is higher in the private sector, sometimes significantly so, but the pension is much worse, many employers pay only statutory minimum which is nowhere near enough.

Anyone who has a career in the public sector who thinks their pension will be “poor” really needs to take a look at what other people are likely to get, then they’ll feel like kings in retirement!

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:44

Wordsmithery · 11/04/2026 23:15

I find the whole tone of your post a bit insulting. Rude about your husband, for a start. Why couldn't you have had some ambition and earned more? And I can't imagine anyone doing teaching as a hobby. You say yourself how stressful it is.
Real wealth is having a loving marriage, healthy children, good friends. Not comparing and being self-,pitying.

I don't get it, either. I guess that doing it as a hobby feels easier because you could just quit whenever you want.

OP posts:
ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 23:44

You don’t earn much above minimum wage but you wish your DH earned more.