AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

When I get older my regrets will almost certainly be not having spent enough time with my DC when they were young - always working. Presumably you’ve enjoyed many weeks of holiday every year, and with your partner too. That sounds like a life well spent, and hopefully enjoyed. Plus my DH and I have never earned much more than you, and have much weaker private sector pensions. Sorry OP but I think you have an awful lot to be thankful for.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work

Well, maybe you should have been more ambitious yourself, but why should he work and you don’t have to? Maybe he would like to stay home in a gorgeous house not working 🤷‍♀️.

@TheAngryPuxie I think i get what you mean. Im a single parent with two children in private school. Honestly every mum is a SAHM with a super wealthy husband. I often wonder what it must be like to have all that. But I do think that im not seeing every aspect. You should appreciate your partner more

My 58 yr old friend lives in a big house. It’s a 200yr old farmhouse that they have extended. It’s a constant money pit with a leaking roof that they never seem to be able to fix. She gave up work when they her DC came along and they have both now left home.
She loves the house but it’s becoming more and more hard work despite cleaning lady and a stream of handy men.

She recently had a major panic. Her DH doesn’t enjoy the best of health but ignores all the advice e. She’s only just realised that she hasn’t taught herself no idea what pension provisions are in place. She is a director of their company but in name only. Has no idea about the day to day finances despite being a highly intelligent woman.

Life has just snook up on her.She recently questioned me about whether I could afford my lifestyle. She wasn’t being rude but we live in a small detached house with a postage stamp sized garden. We haven’t downsized but have got rid of a large holiday home and my business ( a dental surgery) over the last few years. I basically semi retired at 55 and we lived on the profit from the sale of the business. Then I took my pension and I now only work one day a week to cover DS’s uni costs.
DH was the lower earner but has a small pension that he will draw down until he can claim his state pension. We’ve always lived off my income and his income was playing out money.

I explained to my friend that when we had the opportunity to upsize we realised we didn’t need to. We had 3 properties, releasing the equity allowed us to retire early. Then we chose the smallest property because we wanted a house that was cheap to run and easy to maintain. It might be small but I don’t need to pay for a cleaner or a gardener. We e invested longterm in energy saving appliances that should last 10+ years and it’s in a good location.

I am so glad we did. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and soon after DH had a stroke. I don’t know how we’d have managed with a huge property. My treatment left me with chronic fatigue and DH is ok but has very little stamina. But we are both happy to still be here.

Life has taught me that things can change dramatically, and very rapidly. Many “rich” couples we know are paper rich but pocket poor and like a great many people would struggle if their world came crashing down. You are ok if you are able to work but unless you have made provision for early retirement then things get difficult.

Luckily we had made decisions before our “crash” that meant we are currently very comfortable, debt free and with deep pockets. We are also naturally cautious and have become accustomed to a simple life through necessity. DH is about to have a long awaited knee replacement ( delayed by covid and his stroke and more recently the shortage of bone cement) he has become pretty much housebound because he can’t walk further than 50yds without being in pain. Hopefully, once recovered we’ll be able to start doing a bit of travelling and enjoy some of the things we’ve been missing out on. I suspect we won’t be going mad though.

The one thing I do know is that if anything happens to my DH I will be able to live the same life. In fact I will be better off since his pension pot will be paid out in full.

It sounds like you are in a similar position OP. Your pensions will probably mean you are comfortable going forward. Imagine if your friend has to maintain her house on her own. Her DH may have a decent pension or investments but many women who marry rich men and are our age are often traded in or have no idea of what provisions have been made for them. I was totally shocked that my friend had no idea what “the plan “ was in her case.

Be grateful that you have the complete picture and although you may not be living the high life at least you will have a life in retirement. So many women are blissfully ignorant of what is ahead.

This isn’t a nice post. You come across as jealous of your friend. Why weren’t YOU more ambitious? If teaching offers such a rubbish salary, why didn’t you look for something higher paid? Why are you critical of your husband? You wanted him to earn ££££, so you could sit at home, while he works his hands to the bone?? Really ?

I think you’ve been reading too many MN threads, where wife is a SAHP and husband works away for days on end, earning the magical 6 figure salary!

Did she tell you she married him for his money or is that your assumption?

I ask, because I feel I know someone that has married for money, he’s 18 years older than her, she says not, but I do think otherwise!

Typo!

*lone teenager

Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's no longer my problem of course, but I assure you that the long holidays are recuperation time.

In my last year in my permanent teaching post, my HT informed me that teachers should expect to be sworn at.

It's gradually become worse. I know of several instances of pregnant women being hit in schools. As I've said elsewhere on these boards, it happened to me.

I have no idea why but around 2000 there was a distinct shift in attitude. When I was a young teacher, it was safe for a woman to break up a fight between two boys - there was an unspoken code of honour that meant that a teenage boy wouldn't hit a woman. Not now.

Between 2000 and 2018, I twice had a desk thrown at me, once was punched in the stomach whilst pregnant, and once was kicked in the stomach after suffering a miscarriage (not the same year). Misogyny has definitely increased: in both cases of my being hit in the stomach, the teenager concerned most definitely meant to aim for the stomach area. They were laughing while they did it.

The second time I was trying to keep out of reach since I was still uncomfortable - I'd miscarried at home - and the boy actually jumped up on a desk so that he could take aim at me with his feet.

I recall boys discussing how they had 'fun' at the weekend - they'd look for a loan teenager to jump. (A colleague's son actually sustained brain damage after such an attack. A young male teaching colleague was attacked at a bus station.) There is a different mindset nowadays and (in Scotland at any rate) the police avoid charging anyone under the age of 16 and current sentencing requirements mean that anyone under the age of 25 is unlikely to get a prison sentence.

I cannot tell you what the outcome was, but a teenage boy at a school where I worked some years ago used a pencil to stab a woman teacher in the neck. The police did attend. The local FB page was full of his neighbours complaining that it was the teacher's fault.

I did do a tiny amount of supply after my husband died but I couldn't go back full time to that, I really couldn't. In one week I was hit twice whilst stopping assaults, a young teacher was punched on the arm and a Pupil Support Assistant (whose wage is risible) was hit in the corridor whilst pregnant.

Those outside the profession have no idea of some of the things that happen. On several occasions, I've raised concerns about boys displaying behaviour that suggested that they were going to become sex offenders.

In one case, I was literally laughed at. The boy left school at 16 and committed the assault he'd described in his work - only the victim was much younger than the victim in his story.

So far as workload is concerned, I always refused to do exam marking [ETA for the exam board] though I can tell you from my experience of marking mocks that some subjects are less onerous to grade than others. (Unusually these days, I was qualified to teach three subjects and there were some years that I graded mocks/prelims for all three.)

My main subject took the longest to grade. One of the things that i definitely don't miss is spending most of my evenings and weekends marking.

It varies from school to school, but promoted staff at my school gradually lost their managerial time, so eventually we finished up doing all our paperwork after to hours, to the extent that I wasn't leaving the building until 7.30 pm (unless it was a parents' evening).

The final straw for me was when I got home late from work one night to find that my husband (by then a stroke victim) had scalded himself at lunchtime trying to make a coffee. That was when I tendered my resignation.

I only tutored twice - once as a favour to a friend where a youngster needed to learn English and once for a pupil who was being home schooled by the LA because he suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. I only saw him for maybe three months, just enough to supervise his coursework and mocks.

I wouldn't advise any young person to go into teaching these days. Possibly for a subject like P.E., but even that has its challenges nowadays. If you teach a subject that is allowed to be selective then that's possibly not too bad.

So far as primary is concerned, I've no first-hand experience, but I gather that the forward planning is dreadfully complicated and that the behavioural challenges are catching up with those in secondary.

I also don’t understand the envy of a massive house when it’s just two of you approaching retirement. What do you need a massive house for? I’m younger than you and wouldn’t want to be cleaning and maintaining a huge property.

Lifestyle wise you’ll have had lots of family time together over the years with the long holidays. Couples I know who both teach tend to go to France or off camping all summer etc.
The couples with a high earning self employed man often have little time together or short holidays and him still working. Your friend may have been envious you could all spend two weeks off together over Easter.

I don't get this OP. You and your DH both chose to go into teaching completely voluntarily.

Her DH decided to risk his own money and started a successful thriving business. I don't see how this is "unfair" at all.

My DH is a big 4 partner, earns £200k plus and rightly so. Due to intense hours, hard work and delivering for key clients.

YANBU
How is your DH only earning 44k as a teacher if he's close to retirement. I assume he's part-time or you are abroad. I'm a part-time teacher and earn more than this. Top of scale (Uk) is 54k.

I voted yabu as its daft to think it's entirely up to a husband to create wealth. Plus it's not like he's gambled away your pensions on hare brained schemes, he's done a really admirable profession.

But I do understand jealousy. It's tough to work hard and then see people living a life of leisure - but that's life isn't it. I guess plenty of people would look at your life and think "why can't that be me, I've worked so hard"

If it makes you feel better my sister married for money and as much as she has a beautiful house and beautiful clothes she is married to a horrible, grumpy old man. I really understand why she did it given our background, but I’m glad she is the older one so I could learn from her mistakes and marry someone I actually like.

So YANBU for feeling envy. That's a completely normal, human emotion.

But I wouldn't let it consume you. People's choices and paths lead them to very different places. Having said that, curve balls happen. Both good AND bad. Life throws unexpected things our way. People can become way more successful than they ever imagined, or they could end up in a situation much worse than they'd hoped. It's the nature of life.

I had a really good career in chemistry, but then I got a brain tumour, developed a neurological condition and now I can't work at all. It's been a crazy shock to the system.

There are so many people in MUCH better situations than me. Do I wish I was in their position? Yes.

Do I let it eat me up to the point of it actually bothering or affecting me? No.

I have a nice (albeit rented) home. My children are happy and healthy. I have my kitties. I can get by. I'm grateful for that.

Try and be thankful for what you DO have, rather than envying others for having more than you.

You might find you realise that you are actually very lucky

Why would you even want a house that size? I can understand wanting a bit more money to be able to do fun things in retirement but once your family have grown and left, why do you need 3 bedrooms and bathrooms plus huge rooms downstairs? Perhaps your friends also have cleaners but it seems more trouble than it’s worth to me.

I have no idea where you live or when you bought your own house, seeing as you are still paying off a mortgage, but the sensible thing to me isn’t wanting the huge house with the big mortgage but making do with the cheapest acceptable property, paying off the mortgage as soon as you can and then you have the luxury of either working fewer hours or having money to do things and go places.

I’m struggling to understand why you are struggling so much if you are both full time teachers. He’s in £44,000 presumably you are at least high £30,000s ft teacher. So joint household income £80,000 ish. You are 57 husband older. Mortgage presumably paid off. You’ll both have decent pensions.
Yes maybe not same size of house as friends married to men with higher earnings but you’ll be looking forward to a comfortable retirement on two teacher pensions, its a generous pension scheme.

Why can't you earn it yourself rather than expect your dh to?

I've never married but have a nice house with a big kitchen, dining room, sitting room, utility, large garden. Four beds. I can retire when my current job ends. So no, I don't envy them.

But where does it all go?
Why are you not more financially secure now?
Is this a second marriage for either of you? Lots of debt?

The tone of your post is just yuck. Perhaps you should have made different choices in your own career rather than being envious and identifying the cause as your husband. It’s not the 1950s!

When I reach state retirement age, yes, although that's affected by being contracted out. As I said, I can't complain. I don't have much longer to wait for that. I'll add that because of the changes in pension I was told that I hadn't paid the full amount required for the state pension, so I did take the advice from the Martin Lewis page and paid for an extra year's contributions. I was also given the underlying Carer's Credit contributions for nearly two years and that will have helped my state pension.

When I first retired, my monthly pension was significantly less than the above. However, I need to emphasise that I was in a promoted post. I can't recall my exact salary now, but I had just topped 40k when I had to go to down to the 4 day week and ISTR that that knocked my annual wage down to 34k. (The combination of my full-time job and being a carer had become impossible.)

If I'd been able to stay to 60 as planned, I'd have been very comfortable.

I should add that there have been changes to the pension scheme for teaching staff across the UK, so I think it's the case that younger people won't do as well.

I should also state that my late husband was a teacher and I inherited a portion of his pension. He was a late entrant to teaching: he did mainly manual work originally. As an estate worker, he got the basic agricultural wage. I believe that his forestry wage was about the same. He intended to work to 65, but his health got in the way and he retired at 60. His annual teaching pension was around 8k a year.

Please note that teachers in England have a lower wage than those of us in Scotland. On the other hand, we have higher taxes and different tax bands - the higher tax band here kicks in sooner than the higher tax band in England.

Most teachers pay the Intermediate 21% tax band and promoted staff hit the higher tax band.

https://www.gov.scot/publications/scottish-income-tax-rates-and-bands/pages/proposed-rates-and-bands-2025-to-2026/

As I said, I can't complain. I paid off my mortgage a few years ago. If I have to go into a care home, the house might go for around 150k. (It's a reasonable area in Fife, but one that's not yet been affected by an influx of Edinburgh commuters.). The fact that my council tax is lower than it would have been in a more affluent area is quite a bonus.

My house is actually quite shabby, to be honest. I have some repairs to pay for before I can spruce it up. If things had gone to plan, it would all have been done by now.

I'm better off than many.

Over the last few years, due to our jobs and circumstances, I’ve had a lot of money at times and then also very little.

What it’s taught me is that the intrinsic value of things is in direct proportion to how easy (or hard) it is to acquire them.

So a very expensive handbag purchase when we had money actually felt a lot less special than a lovely surprise Thai meal in a local restaurant when we had very little.

Exactly this point. I am at a USBank and we get matched up to 10%, but this is up to a salary of 120k a year. After that it’s purely own contributions. People who have always been in the public sector don’t see the benefits they have

We have three kids at home and are quite happy on less than that. Loft converted on a three bedroom house and the mortgage being slightly overpaid, two cars, the kids do all the clubs they want, abroad every other year and to UK family most school holidays.

Why do you need five double bedrooms if there's just the two of you? You'd be spending your retirement just dusting!