AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

Again, this sound like schadenfreude.

You don't hope they're happy at all. You got a little mean spark of joy when you heard of their misfortune.

I actually think as a woman, there are two good plans in life if cash is a motivator.

Make your own money.

Marry decent man/woman that will make money.

Actually, three, do both.

And, if you do neither, accept that money was never your motivator and find the joy in your circumstances. Don't sit around feeling slightly glad when misfortune visits others.

Some people are risks takers, they're generally the ones who will make lots of money, some people aren't and are born to middle class lives and sit in the position they were born. And that's fine.

No point getting chippy because you took the safe route and it's landed you exactly where it was always going to.

It's a soft landing with no surprises.

OP I get you, I have a lot of low- mid earning female friends, we had a lot in common in our twenties, we all house shared and looked for budget nights out. Fast forward to our thirties and these female friends suddenly have 4 bedroom houses in zone 2 london, some have switched to part time work, others have given up work entirely. What do the have in common? Husbands who earn 100k plus. Meanwhile DH and I struggle to get by on two mid incomes, we bought a tiny flat and we have to work full time so need to pay full time childcare. It’s disappointing OP, I wish dh and I had been more aware of money when younger. We grew up very poor, we’re doing well compared to our school friends and siblings but not compared to Londoners.

Honestly OP, comparison is the thief of joy.

I don't want to sound condescending, but you could equally compare yourself to the billions of people around the world who have so much less than you and you would feel extremely lucky.

You are only comparing because they are in your day to day life. There are many, many people even in the UK who have less than you.

It sounds like you've made your choices and aren't planning to go and get a high flying career now, so you need to find a way to make peace with what you have. What is this achieving?

That's a dreadful post.

If she'd lived her whole life in poverty the end result would have been the same.

You do actually seem to be judging her reduced circumstances. Almost revelling in them.

There are always people who are better off. I find it bizarre though that you’re blaming your husband - you chose to marry him knowing who he was, and you also chose not to try to earn more money yourself. Own your choices and try to see the value in them.

I come from nothing and fell in love with someone from a similar background and in a low paying career. So I deliberately chose the highest paying career I could think of at the time and have slogged it out for the past 15 years - now earning a very high salary. Yes I would have loved to have stayed home with my babies too but that option wasn’t available to me if I also wanted to be able to buy a house. You also had a choice there and you made it.

Pretty much all my colleagues and university peers come from family wealth, have married someone with family wealth, or have married someone with a similarly high earning career, so I’m an outlier and the poorest person in my social circle because none of that applies to us. But rather than feeling resentful I’m happy with what I’ve got.

@OP you must have realised some time between embarking upon your career as a teacher and now, that teachers don't earn very much and never did. You'll both have a decent pension and presumably have had a 'good enough' life, but teaching as a profession will never make you rich.

A pair of teachers is about as middle of the road as it gets.

How does he finish at 3 Nd not have any more work? When does he plan, mark or do admin?

This must explain why he hasn't crossed the threshold into UPS. That would give him an extra 7k a year.

That your husband is retiring soon, presumably before age 60 is remarkable to
me.

I understand why you feel envious.

I think the way to deal with it is to appreciate all the wonderful aspects of your life. You may have things/people in your life that your fiend doesn’t.

They do say that comparison is the thief of joy.

Do you have a son? Just stop and think if one day his wife or partner says that about him ! Yep, you sure wouldn’t like it !!

It's not unreasonable to envy them. Millions of people around the world would envy you for living in a safe, democratic country with decent free health care, for having a secure roof over your head and enough to eat, for your good health and your access to public libraries and parks. We all envy what we don't have. But envy is the thief of joy. How can you ever be happy with what you have when you're constantly envying people who have what you don't have? You make your life unhappy with all this envy. Find your pleasure in the things you can do.

Life is easier and nicer with money. Did you not realise that years ago? If so, why didn’t you prioritise a better paying career and marry someone who was more ambitious and earned/had the potential to earn a decent salary?

Do you envy me? I was a SAHM. He’s just left after 30 years. I will have enough financially but if your marriage is a happy one I’d rather be you.
Money doesn’t buy happiness but when you have it everyone expects you to be happy.

How have you got to 57 and just realised this?

My friend married for money and same - the most beautiful custom home you ever saw. Clothes, jewelry, trips…
And. Then. Came. The. Alzheimer’s.
She had to sell the house because he kept getting lost.
And she was terrified he’d let himself outside and walk into the pool.
So, the house went and a far simpler house was purchased.
A mutual friend told me that before he got really bad, he lost most of their money in bad investments.
Shw finally had to put him in a special hospital he got so bad.
I felt so bad for for both of them.
And he finally passed.
She now lives in a tiny flat.
She always makes excuses when we call and invite her for a coffee.
She thinks we don’t love her or we’re judging her or some other stupid reason.
We love her.

You can marry for money or you can marry for love, but you can’t do both.

And the women I know who married for money?
It ended badly.

I once had the opportunity to marry a legit millionaire. He was kind, well respected, and he treated me well.
I knew this was going to lead to him asking me to marry him - but I didn’t love him, I wasn’t in love with him.
So I broke it off.
I heard he married a teacher (coincidentally) and that they were very happy.
Which made me very happy for him.
And then I heard that he and his company went bankrupt.
I hope they’re okay.

I get where you’re coming from OP and it’s natural to be a little envious but you don’t know the full picture. Presumably you and DH have had a happy marriage of mutual love and respect. Neither of you are rolling in cash but you have also been the careers that are fulfilling and, presumably, you could talk about with each other and support each other through. If you have kids you were both able to have school holidays with them and time as a family, which may high earning people struggle to do. That’s a huge advantage.

Money is only one part of a larger picture. You can be rich in other ways, though I know it sounds trite. And, sorry to say, if you are envious of someone else’s earnings over their life, why blame it on your DH? You could have been more “ambitious” and got a high earning job yourself. Why is DH not ambitious for being a teacher when it’s the same career you have had?

@horrifiedandunsure I was one of those wives too. I would personally swerve any high flying wealthy man going forward… I don’t find them very pleasant people on the whole.

Wealth is great if you can enjoy it. I didn’t…I couldn’t.

Having a lovely OH (now) and a smaller, simpler life is my way forward.

I hope you find happiness and peace.

This - I can understand feeling some envy but only if I know they are happy with their dhs! Which to be fair many are.
but I earn my own way, dh might be able to retire on me. So I also feel a man is not a financial plan and if you take it that way then yes sheer luck will dictate the outcomes, luck and if you prioritise choosing a stable partner.

I agree with you! We are the poorest of our friendship group and both our families. We've always had the smallest house, oldest car.

Examples-
Friend married a man who had just inherited 3 million quid.
Friend married a man who worked in the City. He is a workaholic and earns huge amounts, gets up at 5.30 am to go to work still at age 60
Family members husband came from a wealthy family. He has inherited from grandparents then parents. He in turn has given his family members houses and cash.
Friends husband has a wealthy family and will inherit lots and lots of money.

We've at least got money in a pension but will both need to work beyond retirement age if we can. I know we both could have got well paid jobs but chose jobs we enjoyed. I certainly didn't want to get up every day at 5.30 to get on a packed tube to go to work! I would have liked the 300k salary though.

I’m amazed you have got to 57 before realising life isn’t fair . . .

I understand ☺️. You married for love and you are envious but I imagine more so, you are angry that teaching doesn't pay even if you work harder than others.

Some teachers work incredibly hard, others don't but there isn't a difference. You feel how you feel! I hope that this thread (with all the horrible comments on it) don't cause you any worry or upset.

People in this country expect the education system and the NHS to run flawlessly whilst being entrepreneurial should mean you get what you earn because you "work hard".

And then there are the millions of people who would envy your lifestyle. Doesn't sound like you are living in abject poverty. The grass is always greener! Either change your lot or make your peace with it. If you are healthy and in a happy marriage with a roof over your head and food on the table then I think you are doing well in life.

I totally understand what you’re saying. I have a friend who has a helicopter. Private jet and about 25 homes round the world. I wealth I cannot comprehend.

however I feel wealthy. J have two healthy happy children and a happy marriage.

im extremely happy I life and that makes all the difference. I don’t see my friends wealth as a jealously. But that’s because I’m happy in my life.

I can see why you feel like this and have had similar feelings myself. As I've got older, I've seen things play out. In my experience, most very high earners are not too nice and quite likely not too be too nice to their family in one way or another. (I'm sure there are exceptions).

OP, if your husband finishes work at 3pm, and doesn't tend to bring work home, how does he manage this? I think, what with the school holidays, your husband has a part-time job. I guess that gives him plenty of time to relax, talk with you, go out and about with you and still have man-hobbies if he wants. Do you realise how much high-rolling wives, who rarely see their husbands, would envy you - in fact, I guess, about as.much as you envy them! 🙂