AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

Hi OP
I understand your feelings but it's it's important that you keep in perspective.
There will always be people who have had it easier and harder too.
One of my friends (female) has always been the main bread winner due to her husband's health issues and lives a very modest lifestyle. Would have liked to have purchased a house but circumstances didn't allow.
I have friends who live in amazing homes which were able to be purchased due to their husband's income.
There are people who have had to downside after divorce.
I have always worked full time and more to keep things going(single parent) & my home and lifestyle is less financially than the majority of my friends but I consider myself very lucky to have able to achieve what I have.
I am not criticising you OP, your feelings are perfectly valid but we can keep on comparing.
I worked with a lovely lady who had massive inherited wealth. At the same time I was working overtime to keep overdraft in control.
Yes, life is seemingly unfair but not just in material terms.
Illness, premature death, childlessness, imprisonment, severe mental health issues, addiction etc etc. These can affect us all.
Take a deep breath and work on reframing your mindset OP

You must have known that you chose a fairly low paying career, and that you married someone in the same fairly low paying career, so it was unlikely you would become wealthy from your careers. You may feel envious of friends who have more, but I think just try to be happy for your friends and concentrate on your own life.

It does show the importance of choosing a career that can pay for the life you would like and choosing your partner wisely.

I'm in the profession. I know very few teachers close to retirement who have not crossed the threshold and / or have no TLR, but then I know very few teachers who leave at 3pm and take no work home, as OP describes.

It's an annual salary

Yes there is some admin around how the salary is paid and split up, but the posts get advertised as an annual salary

Alternatively you can say it is 10 month pro rata salary and therefore the actual annual salary amount (if not pro rata'd) for op husband is (44000÷10 )x 12 - so £52000.
But what's the point, that's entirely hypothetical.

Like I reiterate you both choose to be teachers. Her DH chose to risk capital and set up a business.

If she’s on an average salary (or none) there’s going to be a power imbalance. Her dh can go out and buy anything he wants without her permission, can she?

My ex earned alot and we had 5* holidays etc but I was very miserable (for several reasons). I would never want such an imbalance in monetary power again.

Houses, no matter how nice, is just ‘stuff’. A home is what matters.

YABU. You're retired at 57. If you want more money go and get another job instead of complaining your DH, who is still working, doesn't earn enough. If you look outside your own little bubble you'd find you're in a better position than most.

If you say so.

Just because people appear wealthy it doesn't mean they're cash rich, a quick check of their business on companies House might tell a different story. I knew a family lived on a huge estate with staff, ran an events company weddings tipis etc.
Their company is £650,000 in debt! All that glitters is not gold!

Every time I see a teacher write this I start to really doubt their intelligence

You are paid an annual salary. How it is divvied up is neither here nor there.

I'm sorry you are not happy.

My sister is in a similar position. He is largely absent - either at work or golf. Their expensive holidays don't compensate for what she has to pick up the other 47 weeks of the year.

OP, I am in your shoes in that my partner earns far less than me and I live in a tiny leaehold flat with my children. A far cry from where I was expected to go (first class degree in maths etc).

Life has a way of throwing things at us, which means we go separate paths that can seem unfair. I have friends whose husbands work in the Middle East and their houses are amazing. However, they have the same challenges, just different. One has to deal with an absent husband, working away. Another friend's husband cheated and one other lady I went to school with is extremely unhappy with her 'trapped' life with multiple problematic children.

Swings and roundabouts - wealth does not always equate to happiness.

I do think you're right about the educational system. Long hours, awful teens to deal with and a salary which doesn't reflect the effort you put in. If possible, see if you can slowly move into a more admin role within the school or something away from the classroom. Maybe have some sick leave (if you feel overwhelmed) to reset. You're probably part of a union, which may offer help with your working conditions.

The two teachers I know are literally on their knees trying to survive a day at a time.

That sounds like how it used to be twenty years ago. Much has changed.

If you are familiar with teacher pay grades, surely you are aware of the double-bind which experienced teachers find themselves in with regard to the risk of applying to access the upper pay-scale? (I explained it upthread if you're not in education.)

I have more colleagues and friends still on M6 after long careers spanning decades than on the upper pay-scale as in our city, the academy trusts running the majority of schools are ruthless in their use of 'support plans' to manage out experienced teachers who have dared to 'ask for more' and to earn the upper pay-scale salary their wealth of professional experience and considerable length of service really entitles them to. At my own school, we have lost one colleague per year since 2020 to 'early retirement', 'spending more time with family', 'ill health retirement', 'seeking opportunities elsewhere' as a result of the cut-throat practice of these support plans, the conditions of which they could never have met -constructive dismissal of healthy, vibrant colleagues in their 40s and 50s, by stealth. But the school budget is looking healthier and newly qualified colleagues have been hired to take their places.

Nobody has applied for pay progression for the last few years as it is so obvious where it leads: our departed colleagues serve as a living reminder of the inevitable outcome.

Teachers i know have a good work/ life balance, huge holidays and gold plated pension schemes

Also, the model of man with a big job / wife earning pin money isn't one I'd aspire to. I'd prefer more equality in a relationship

OP I think you have to focus on what's really important in your life. I once read a quote that said you have a hundred problems until you have a health problem and then you have one. If you are healthy and in a happy marriage with a roof over your head then you are winning at life. My DH is similar to you. I'm a teacher and he has a good job but he bought his first home (flat) for a ridiculous amount 20 years ago before the house prices crashed and he was in a lot of negative equity. We have paid off the debt but it meant when we bought a house we had to settle for a smallish house (though I think it's perfect - I grew up in a council house with many siblings). He see people with similar incomes living in much bigger houses and he gets really annoyed about it. I get annoyed with him because we are so so lucky and I appreciate all that we have (I didn't have much growing up). Comparison is the thief of joy. It's natural to feel jealous from time to time but there will always be people (much) worse off who will look enviously at your life. Focus on the positives and you will be much happier.

Are you happy with your hubby? If you are not then tha’s a different story altogether. If you are happy, do things with your hubby that bring you both joy. My criteria for choosing a hubby was that he had to be minted OR useful. My hubby was sure as hell not minted when I met him (but is useful!) and we have decent jobs but are by no means wealthy but I feel lucky knowing I have food on the table, healthy kids, a roof over our heads, the NHS and live in a country that is safe and not at war like so many of those in the world right now. It’s ok to feel pangs of envy but use it to make your own life better by creating happiness and joy with your hubby.

Agreed, so why are you saying your friends teach "as a hobby." It is not a hobby career.

I have friends that teach. They lead great lives and enjoy their careers. Its a good career potential for many.

It's her friend who has retired.

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and [ she] recently retired.

OP is still working.

Me too. His pension will be about £20,000. Mine is about half that because I went part time when I had chidren

So in retirement, you will have £30K in total from your teachers' pensions and (present rates) just under £26K combined state pensions.

That's £56K as pensioners.

I don't think you can quibble over that. It will put you in the top 40% tax band for some of it, too.

You asked if you were being 'unreasonable' to envy.

No, you're not but it's a negative emotion that will not make you happy or make any difference.

You've both had 30+ years to change direction and two teachers' salaries were never going to make you rich.

That's just how it is. There will always be people better off who have chosen a different career.

I think for your own peace of mind you need to let the envy go.

Like others said, why does your husband need to have a better paid job. Why couldn’t you have been ambitious? Also you’ve retired TEN years earlier. Of course you’re going to need to be more frugal than someone who pays extra years into a pension and then retires.

OP, I understand your frustration - dropped DD off to a play date last week and stoped for a cup
of tea with the mum. The house is amazing. Exactly like one from Ideal Home magazine. She has her own business and so does her husband.

I am also a teacher but DP isn’t. We earn well between us but not this level of well!

I often lament my career choice but don’t wish DP had been more ambitious. I wish I had!

You need to look at what you do have and, appreciate there isn’t a right or wrong in this situation. Many people would love to be in your position so why not enjoy what you do have?

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

I sort of know what you mean as a lot of our friends are wealthier than us with nicer / bigger houses and amazing holidays etc. However the reality is that they have been gifted money by family and their holidays are paid for. They didn’t have a student loan because their parents paid for it. Parents gave large (huge in some cases) house deposits. This may also be the case with your friends?