To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

I think you’re getting some harsh replies on here. Do you find you’re quite an introverted person pre kids?

it sounds like you realise and accept that if you lose friends now from stepping back at this point in your life then you don’t expect them to be there in the future. You can always make new friends at that point in your life.

Yes, 'fair weather' friends.
I had a friend like this and although I wish her well, I stopped bothering with her years ago. As did everyone else.

You’re just caught up in it all now as your kids are so young, that’s understandable. But surely you realise that when they’re 8 and 10 or 13 and 15, you’ll have a lot more free time? Let alone when they leave home and you’ll likely be in your fifties, so a long life after that still to live.
How are you going to fill your time with no friends or outside interests? Your parents will be elderly/less healthy and able to do things by then, or have passed away. So you’re setting yourself up for your sister and your husband to be your only companions. Why would you want to limit yourself in this way?

I remember the feeling of young children life being all consuming, and the mental weight of planning to leave them and make sure they had all they need etc, just felt too much. That’s all fair enough. But I have to say that feeling that they are all you need is quite unusual and have to question if you are really being honest with yourself? Like it would be easy to be anxious about leaving your kids and mentally turn that into ‘seeing friends is boring’ to avoid facing the real feelings?

I don’t know, I’m not you, but the way you describe your feelings, is quite unusual id say, and I’d worry about where you will be in a few years when you’ve neglected all your friendships. Does your DH feel the same about the family unit btw or does he want breaks?

I’m surprised by how many people are saying you are being unreasonable. Maybe they are referring you to you agreeing and then pulling out of things but while I’m the exact opposite of you in that I loved to balance family life with a good social life when my kids were younger plenty of my friends were very similar to you. I’ve scaled things back now my kids are older but I still enjoy a pretty decent social life.

You don’t work yet you have a nanny, a few people I know feel like you, they think they do because friends are important etc anymore. But in reality they feel guilty as they spend so little time with their children, one friend has recently realised their childrens attachment isn’t to them, but to the nanny and their cleaner.

Don’t cut off your friends as you’ll regret it later. Sure, there are those who you’ll drift from but make an effort with those you’ve known longer or are closer to.

I’ve voted YANBU as its personal preference and if you’re happy then you do you. It wouldn’t be how I want to live to you’re not being UR to live like this, however, don’t expect the friends your pulling away from to still be there when your kids grow up and naturally want to be with their friends more than you.

Nobody is offended or suggesting the OP needs to go clubbing.
But those of us who are older know from experience that " my little family" is fleeting, and eventually you will need your friends.

I can relate @lucybm . I did alot more nightclubs and wineries in my first year of being a mum than I have since because it took me a while to realise I wasn't enjoying that so much as I used to, or nearly so much as doing things with family.
I'm a bit puzzled as to why some posters are so offended that others of us are like this. Does it touch a nerve?

Your kids will dump you very soon,you will go from being the centre of their world to someone who provides food and is a bit embarrassing. It's really important to keep up friendships or you're going to be really bored.

As long as you don't mind having no friends left when either your kids are older or your dh buggers off then do what you like.

It's not acceptable to assume they will always be there when you CBA to make an effort though

Willingly making your world smaller and shutting people out so you can stay at home when your children are this old sounds like a real problem to me, coupled with your comments about not needing friends.

I’m concerned you may be suffering from postpartum/postnatal depression. Please get some help before things get worse.

Doesnt always happen

Please just do what you are comfortable with and be happy. Life is short. Yes kids grow. Husbands change. But so do Friends! All I will say is that actions or inactions have consequences! If you isolate, don’t be surprised if you need friends later in life and you don’t have any. That’s not a bad thing. It’s simply a choice you need to make peace with.

I'm not interested in social media or bragging about how exciting my life is. I just get on and live it with my husband and four DC. I study part time amidst the chaos so I only see a few friends occasionally. I don't mean once a month. Possibly once every four months or so. I am exhausted most days though, so it's more for health reasons not because I only care about my own family.

Careful what you wish for, OP. Kids grow up and move away. Husbands aren't always forever.

OP, do you actually like your friends? Honestly, it sounds like from your posts you think they are dull at best, and thundering nuisances who are impinging on your 'family time' at worst.

If you truly are unhappy / anxious / bored when you catch up with your friends, it's probably best for everyone that you cut ties.

But if it's a case of 'I do like their company, I just enjoy the company of my family more!' then you should keep the friendships going. But you will need to make a bit of effort from your end once in a while.

What about having your friends over to your place at night, after your kids have gone to bed? That way, you don't need to be apart from your family. You'll still be there if the kids wake up and need you, but you can also get some quality time and conversation with your friends.

I would love to know whether the friend who is turning 30 has turned up for the OP's major life events - birthdays, house-warmings, engagement party, hen's night, wedding, baby shower. etc. Assuming they have, I do think the OP should make the effort to attend her friend's 30th birthday celebration.

You're not cynical, you're just blinkered.

I have the opposite experience - I'm NC with my parents and plenty of my friends also have poor to no relationship with their families. My social circle is very much everyone's "chosen family" and we've been there for each other through thick and thin, often because our families of origin are so awful and traumatic.

I don't assume every parent-child relationship is like this (and plenty of my friends have normal, healthy family relationships).

As for whether you'll feel differently in the future, that's not entirely up to you. Drop your friends now and they'll get the message - you won't be able to pick them back up at your convenience.

I'm child-free and when some of my friends starting having kids, there were one or two who very obviously had no further time for anyone who wasn't a parent. It hurt a bit and then I moved on; they're no longer in my life and I don't miss them. It wasn't the norm though. Most of my friends continued to make an effort, and while the nature of parenting meant that we didn't actually see each other anything like as frequently as before, the friendship was still there.

I think the fact you are a SAHM makes you a bit more venerable both financially and also
socially - as you dont see people at work,
id consider Friendships to be really important.

I love my partner and my kids but I do need to see my friends too. I value friendships immensely.

I’d try to make an effort as once the kids get older they’ll all have moved on with other friends and you’ll be left out and it will be really difficult for you too rebuild friendships.

i mean this in the kindness way but you can be a wife/partner, a mum AND a friend

do not loose your identity X

Your friend is turning 30 and you don’t want to turn up for them and you’re stating that other people are self obsessed ??? I think it’s probably best that you bow out of your friendships now but be careful that you’re not back here in 10 years asking for advice about your DHs affair or your impending divorce claiming that you have no one to confide in.

She probably only kept her friends around so she could go ‘husband hunting’ - I know a few people in real life like this, only have time for their friends when single and on the prowl lol.

I was exactly the same when I had you he children. Mine are 21,16,13 & 11 now and I’m far more inclined to go out now when invited. I’ve been very lucky to have had a solid group of friends from school until now that have stuck by me regardless of how frequently I engaged over the years. I’m very grateful!

It sounds like your friendships were pretty superficial. You only really mention the exciting social life ( which is part of it ) but nothing about what true friendships also offer- celebrating each others successes. supporting each other through difficult times and just a genuine interest in what is going on in each others lives.

Eventually people will stop bothering to invite you because It's pointless making the effort with someone who is so disinterested.
It's a bad idea to keep your world so small.