To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

When your kids are teens, they'll want to spend time with their friends, not you. Then they'll leave home, have work, maybe partners, maybe kids. I mean, not to be too negative here, but maybe one day you'll be a widow. It's not a good idea for anyone to put all their social eggs in one basket. I'm so glad my recently widowed mother has a LOT of friends.

I have seen this play out in life. Its very unhealthy as the person is co dependent on grandkids to.

the more I think about this the weirder it is. Mainly your view that familial relationships seem immune to such 'betrayal' (which is a very dramatic term anyway). I don't understand how you've managed to witness so many fallings out among friends but not seen similar issues between families - you only have to look on here to hear about siblings falling out with each other, issues between parents and kids, parents in laws, partners etc.

If anything those sort of relationships would be more prone to 'betrayal' because of the way you are more enmeshed with family - I can't think of a situation where a friend, even a close one would really be in a position to 'betray' me over money because we'd have no reason to share finances in the first place.
Whereas there are countless examples of even the closest families falling out over inheritances, etc.

Same with other things - a friend going to an event they knew I'd like with someone else, while potentially upsetting, wouldn't feel like a 'betrayal' in the same way most people would feel if their romantic partner cheated on them - which is hardly unheard of! Yet I'm sure you see the issue with someone saying 'my parents and siblings have all been cheated on, so I think there's no point in anyone ever getting into a romantic relationship because in my experience they don't last.'

It just seems quite odd that you've let a handful of second-hand experiences influence your thinking to such an extent that you seem quite blindsided to the truth that all relationships can break down - that's not a valid reason to never form any.

Are you describing seeing a few friends every couple of weeks as "holding back in my marriage"? (Perhaps I've misunderstood)

This is a very good point!

Also my parents' best friends were like bonus aunties/uncles to me when I was little, and then as an adult I'm still in touch with a few of them, will visit them (with mum or on my own), send cards etc. Used to go away with them for the day or weekend. My dad's best friend was a comfort to me when my dad died, sharing stories of their youth etc. More people enrich your children's lives!

Fair enough but very few adult children think highly of their mums who have absolutely no social contact outside of their father and siblings. The problem is that once the kids grow up, these mums struggle to make meaningful friendships and all their old friends were sacrificed along the way. They become the mothers who get increasingly lonely, bitter and co-dependent on their children's lives. They expect company and calls from their kids or grandkids and cannot cope if the health of their partner and only "best friend" for the past few decades starts to decline. They basically have no support network outside of immediate family members and it puts a strain on everyone. Keeping social connections alive outside of family is also something worth doing for the sake of the children.

Would you feel better about meeting up with friends if they came to your house for a catch up sometimes instead of always have to meet up somewhere else? That way you are still a bit in your bubble.

Im childfree and I’m fortunate that my friends when they started having kids just made some adjustments to catch ups (no more long boozy nights out regularly) but didn’t fob me off because I was childfree. But I also adjusted my expectations and we’d often just do a coffee at their house as it was easier with the kids having their own space and toys to keep themselves busy.

Exactly. I mean, having a husband as a ‘best friend’ doesn’t mean that’s set in stone any more than any other friendships. Friendships end for all kinds of reasons, like marriages do. And bluntly, being largely friendless apart from a ‘best friend’ husband, who is also the person you rely on financially if you’re a SAHM, is a recipe for disaster. Far too many eggs in one basket and too much pressure on a single relationship.

Sorry OP I dont get this at all. I have kids aged 6 to 14 and still maintained friendships for over 25 years. I make time for them and believe life is busy for me.

Its totally your choice if you would rather be home with your family all the time but as a word of caution it may come to a point your children are older and more independent and you want friendships. You wont have any friend left if you decide to not bother with friends now. Also having just your husband as a friend is a huge pressure on him long term.

Also parents whose children are there friends often lack boundaries and cause developmental issues for there children long term. Its fine to be friends when your child is an adult but they need a parent when they are a child and there friendships need to be with other kids.

But looking at it from that point of view. If friends are now " boring" and not worth making the effort for because you have kids it means you obviously don't like them that much to still be friends when you change.

Therefore your husband may not like you that much even as a friend when you change. And vice versa

At the moment, your kids are little and need you. Fast forward 10/15 years, they will be off, socialising with their own friends. Then what? You’ve ditched your friends, you don’t have a job, hopefully your husband will still be around, but your life will be empty ( unless you are planning on working again?)

Just be careful OP. The right friends can add value and enrich our lives, in a way that husbands/ partners often can’t.

Clearly I have not expressed myself well. I would forgive friends missing a party. It's not about one event. It's about a pattern.

I have not been all that keen to meet friends who just ghosted me for years, until their marriages broke down, kids grew up or they found weaning less absorbing than it used to be.

I agree, but the OP doesn’t sound that keen on these people, so I suppose I’m chalking it up to yet another instance of that Mn classic of ‘friends’ meaning ‘people I hang around with but think are boring and self-interested’.

I missed a best mate's 30th, actually, and he still loves me. My attendant at my wedding, and godfather to my child, in the years since. So not everyone is standing by with eraser at the ready to scrub you off the Christmas list at the first sign of self absorption.
I think @JaneFondue I was wrong to say it's touched a nerve with others, it's obviously touched a nerve with me. My first marriage ended in divorce, I've no illusions of immutability, but I cannot imagine holding back in my marriage as a kind of insurance against future pain. Or investing in other friends as a way of future-proofing my life.
I don't think I'm unwise but I've never reflected on this before.

Just don’t expect these friends to still be around waiting for you when your kids are older and less dependent on you and you start feeling like going out again. You’ll be starting threads on here wondering why you don’t have any friends.

What a sad outlook, one you’ll probably regret in a few years.

To what level have you been educated @lucybm

You don"t have to keep yourself interesting, IMO. Especially with young kids.

But it's as well to remember that 42% of British marriages end in divorce. Did these women not marry their best friends? Life is long and people change, leave or die.

My friendships are very important to me and I’m believe all good friendships require effort.

I may have been less readily available during the baby and toddler years but I kept in touch and attended whatever I could.

I don’t really understand letting wonderful relationships die on the vine.

I’m in my mid 40s with teenagers who are becoming independent and want to spend time with their own tribe. I am so grateful to have my old friends. Especially as everyone is getting divorced/ill/losing parents now. You sound a bit rose tinted and naive OP.

This is what my mother thinks women are ‘supposed’ to do — have friends when young so they can go out in groups and meet men to marry. As soon as they’re married, job done, you give up work and friends and devote yourself to domestic life. Your hen do, in this version of life, is literally a goodbye to your friends, because you’ve ‘graduated’. Your DH still goes to the pub because he’s a man and you’re putting the children to bed, obviously.

My mother, however, is in her eighties and from a very conservative, trad rural background. She finds it totally incomprehensible that her daughters have longterm friendships that are unaffected by them being in relationships, married or having children. She’s also herself incredibly lonely.

Thinking about this more, I'm not sure I'd have coped if, on top of everything else, I'd had to worry about keeping myself interesting so my husband didn't lose interest.
I wouldn't have married my husband, or had kids with him, if he hadn't been best friend material.

I don’t think people are offended. People have just experienced the inevitable outcome of OP’s policy. And tbh, she sounds very judgemental of her friends, as if their lives are somehow more superficial than hers.

OP is obviously allowed to do as she wishes but to me, her life sounds somewhat sad and very limited. I had a huge social life before children, and I maintain as many of those friendships as I can, even as a single parent who’s working and studying full time, because community is the stuff of a good and rich life.

Very much this.

Are you planning on your kids being your "best friends" as well? Because that's an unhealthy dynamic and deeply unfair to the kids.