To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

Too often women make their husband and kids their life/personality; personally I find it a small way to live.
Then before you know it kids are teenagers and what life do you have? worse case a divorce and you’ve made yourself his ‘best friend’ with no other life.
It’s not the 1950s and this cute toddler phase will pass in the blink of an eye, they’ll be at school, I’d hope you’d work then. as that’s a very common theme for marriages to struggle, when the man has the full financial weight on him.

Since I became a Mom 18 months ago, people don't even bother asking me to go out now. People make plans in front of me, and don't ask me, which really hurts. Prior to having my child, I used to get invited to things. I would go out, IF I were invited, but I've been dropped like a sack of shit (if you pardon the expression), since having a baby.

I would say that I only really have one true friend, but she's been there since we were teenagers, and she also has a child of a similar age. I never see my child free friends, or even those with older kids. I'm very lonely, truth be told, even though I have a beautiful child, and a great partner. I never expected to feel like that in my 30's.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, enjoy your friends, nurture your friendships, go out, and spend time with them. Nothing hurts more than feeling like you've been ditched.

I think dying is the least of their issues. There's an extremely high chance that the husband will eventually become ashamed of a wife who has no friends, no social life, and presumably becomes increasingly out of touch with fashion, trends and fitness. If you never attend social gatherings and have no more friends then there's very little incentive to stay on top of your physical appearance and dress sense if there's nobody to see it.

In families like this, the father and grown-up children tend to develop a dynamic where the mum is seen as dim-witted, slow or just not that fun. She becomes the butt of their jokes, they can see how her world is so small and all the things she talks about aren't taken seriously. They might be important topics to her, but to other people with busy lives, they cannot give a shit about meals, cake, a plant in the garden or other banalities.

This can easily turn into a toxic dynamic where the family members secretly condescend their mum but the mum is co-dependent and controlling and expect them to owe her their time and attention for all the years she sacrificed. The type of nightmare MIL who forcibly inserts herself into her children and grandchildren's lives, or expects special treatment all the time. Then becomes totally baffled and bitter when the kids who "she did everything for" end up going LC or NC.

It might work right now for her to never see friends and have a purely text relationship but it might not work for the friends. This is what most people are just trying to point out. They may just stop replying to her and move on. They may not want a twice a year pen pal for the next 10 years. As long as she is happy with that potential outcome, then yes she can absolutely do what you are suggesting.

I hope you and your husband stay together and he doesn’t die

You’re obviously an introvert and what you’re doing is perfect for you right now. Just keep in touch with your old friends via social media and messaging etc.

The family-life part of having a family is often very short and really worth cherishing. I remember shuddering at over-hearing a year six mum moaning that her two young boys already preferred to spend time with friends than with them.

You’re doing nothing wrong - enjoy it!

You don’t work and you’ve got a housekeeper/nanny? Well you’re clearly doing SOME kind of other non-Waltons type stuff. What does she do that you can’t do?

To me it sounds like your friendships are not necessarily genuine friendships. Nobody i know has those friendships that you described. It is fine to want to be with family and skip brunches and birthdays, they will soon get the message that you're not interested in a relationships with them.

I’m not sure anyone is suggesting that the OP doesn’t prioritise her kids over her friends. However, they aren’t mutually exclusive.

Kids grow up and move away, marriages break down, spouses die. I’ve found female friendships have become more important the older you get. It’s a mistake to lose your friends.

I’m with you OP. I never particularly enjoyed the whole ‘friend circle’ anyway… I’m really close to my Dsis. I always prioritised time with my DDs. I was a sahm after DD2 was born. DD1 was 18 months old at the time and I’d missed her awfully when I returned to work when she was nine months old. I also opted to Home Educate. So I’ve spent their entire childhood with them … they’re 16 & 17.5 now and honestly I have no regrets. I have great and very different relationships with both DDs, I’ve kept in touch with some of my old friends and made some new ones along the way … but my DDs have been my priority from day one.

No guarantee that your friends will be there after a divorce either though!

I used to put a lot of time and energy into my female friendships, even after I had children.

After my divorce, a huge chunk of my friends drifted away and rarely offered support even though I was struggling alone with two young children, particularly those in couples.

Now my life is peaceful, I see who I want and when I want but don’t put pressure on myself and am no longer the chief organiser of get togethers.

Very often, on the day of an event I’ve agreed to attend, I feel like I can’t be bothered, or I’m too tired. That was the case on Saturday - I had dinner arranged in the city centre with three friends. I didn’t fancy it.

I went anyway because I’m not a flake and lo and behold, once I was out, I had a ball, and was so glad I didn’t give in to the “can’t be fucked” impulses.

Thats been the case loads of times in my life - can’t be bothered, do it anyway, then have a great time and very much glad I did bother.

@lucybmcan you identify what curbed your curiosity about the world and your desire to expand that intellect?

Also, you’re a SAHM and also have a nanny/housekeeper?

If you want to make your life small, not have any friends and make being a mum and wife your whole personality, that's your choice, just don't expect them to be there for you if your marriage falls apart, which many do.

I don’t think that means she doesn’t show up.

I often have to drag myself to places after accepting invitations, sometimes I have a good time, sometimes I don’t.

I’m an introvert who masks it well, so often people don’t know.

I was thinking of the “I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered” bit.

Or she can continue to do what she does now, which is accept the invites that interest her and decline the ones that don’t. If the friends have an issue with it, they can stop inviting het.

I think it depends on the friends. I’m teetotal and being out with people who mainly talk about alcohol and nights out and venues is draining. I would rather be at home than listen to that.

The OP has every right to drop her friends but she does need to be honest with them so they can stop bothering to include her.

It sounds like a very insular little existence to only care about your immediate family and to find scooter choices interesting but you do you op.

I've seen all that happen in families too (much more so in fact).

We have very different experiences of friendship and for that I'm really grateful - your social circle seems to consist of conniving backstabbers and/or dullards whose only topic of conversation is hen weekends. I wouldn't want to be friends with them. Not that I could bear a life which made weaning my only topic of conversation either.

It's quite sad that you haven't - and probably won't - experience true, deep friendship, which to me is worth so much more than blood and DNA happenstance. But I guess you can't miss what you've never had.

I've heard and seen of more husbands betray wives and families than I have friends.
And really, I think it's quite shitty of you to say that you'd be bored after 5 minutes of hearing about a friends problem with a boss, etc. Are these friends that you've had for years? Presumably if they are, you've had years of sharing problems with them back and forth, and you know whether they're drama llamas. If they're not, do you really think that little of them to not want to try and listen and maybe help a friend who's having an issue?

Do what you like, OP, but the period in which our children are young is short. And it sounds like your own life will be pretty empty once they have flown the nest. That might seem ages away right now, and not very important, but it will come around much sooner than you think.

I would avoid isolating yourself if you can.

I don’t think many people really care if the OP has friends or not. They are just warning her that she may need or want friends later. And it can be harder to make new ones when you get older.

Have you never seen some of the threads on here with women in their 40s/50s/60s saying they don’t have any friends and how can they make some as they are now lonely and bored? There’s been a couple of recent ones with women getting upset that their “mum friends” are disappearing when the children are getting older and they realise they lost touch with their old friends because they prioritised the mum friends.

I lost some friends when they had children. They only wanted to spend time with other mothers or just their little family. It was sad of course but I moved on and made new friends and I’m very happy now with the ones I have. And yeah, one tried to get back in touch a decade later saying how she missed me and our fun nights out and did I fancy a catch up. I just didn’t reply. I’ve moved on now and have other friends.

So as long as the OP doesn’t regret it later, I really don’t think anyone cares if she bows out of the friendships. I actually think she should as I think the friends actually deserve better. They deserve people that want to see them.