To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

Like lots of other PPs I'd caution you against letting your friendships fail now. Inevitably that may happen with some, especially if you're at very different life stages, but I really think it's worth an incredible amount to put effort into sustaining friendships, particularly female ones. It sounds like you're on course to end up potentially very isolated and lonely.

I've got a 10 and an 8 year old, am mid-40s and honestly, while I love my family, some of my female friendships are so, so important to me and become more so as we get older and experience new life events. Despite all the shit that comes with being a woman in a man's world, female friendships are the thing that makes me really glad to be a woman.

I've read so many threads where people smugly boast about how they don't need friends any more because they have "my little family". A good proportion of these people come back 10+ years later complaining that their marriage is over/dull and their friends have abandoned them and fail to join the dots.

Lose friends when you get married at your peril. Even if you're not one of the roughly 40% of people whose marriages fail, there's a high chance you will end up bored, stifled, desperately in need of external stimulation and perspective if you expect to spend the next 30 + years of your life with the same people. Neither is it good for children to never see their parents socialising or doing anything other than hanging out with each other.

When you have young kids it's tiring, you often can't be arsed and it's tempting to just stop trying. But everyone needs someone other than their husband and children. Sometimes you have to power through. You'll need those relationships later, don't squander them.

Chill or not, @FrodoBiggins is quite right.

Chill!

It is your life so not unreasonable to do what you want.

Just don't expect those friends to still be there if you have a change of heart.

Friendships stay "close and enduring" because of mutual time and effort. Not because one person fucks the other/s off for a decade then wants to join back in when their kids don't find them interesting any more

Disagree. Kids are young for interminable eons from a friendship point of view. You need to make an effort if you value friends.

I think just do you! They are little for such a crazy short period of time and you need to do what feels right for you. If they are really close and enduring friendships they will stand the test of time, if not then no huge loss anyway.

Yes, I have a friend I make plans with, and see regularly.

I try to make plans with the group I refer to in my original post, but I either get a vague response, and nothing happens, or we make plans, and on the day, I get a message saying that they can't make it. (I know this isn't always avoidable, as people get sick, etc. but when the same people do it more than once, it does make you wonder.

In the past, we've talked about things we have wanted to do/places we've wanted to go, and I've suggested we organise something, and asked them to let me know when they're free, and then had nothing back.

True 😊

You don't have anything to lose do you?

Not to derail the thread but do you also arrange things and invite other people?

I talk about feminism & cats. Mostly.

What do they imagine single, child free people talk about? We talk about issues, current affairs, films, other friends, past experiences...the possibilities are endless. You don't even have to talk about work.

This isn't to do with this thread particularly, but I firmly believe that chat is something that can be taught and practised, even if it doesn't come naturally. When I met my exH and went to meet his family it really struck me how little actual conversation there was in that house. And it's worse now that everyone is buried in a phone for much of the time.

Thank you.
I think I need to grow a pair 🙈

How about, " where's my invite?" "That sounds good, count me in"

That's fair.
I just don't know the best way to challenge it, if you get me? I don't want to cause a scene, but at the same time, I never know what to say.

It just makes me feel awkward if you get what I mean? I feel like I've lost all my confidence.

As others have asked. What do you actually do all day if you don’t work, have a nanny and a housekeeper? Presumably your 3 year old is at some sort of nursery at least part time?

Same here! I see this all the time, esp. in the way friends and their siblings talk about their own mums. They often sound downright cruel and mocking, which makes little sense because they are normally lovely people to be around. I think it's the result of a toxic family dynamic that became so normalised over decades, often through goading and encouragement from the father, that they don't even realise how awful they sound.

And it also happens most frequently in wealthy families where the father was the sole earner, the mum SAHM, the kids grew up and often took over the family business. It often feels like the mum sacrificed everything only to be squashed down the ladder by the children. The husbands are often vile when they talk about their wives, frequently comparing each others partners and their achievements or lack thereof. One husband loves to blame everything on the fact his wife "has no hobbies or friends", ignoring the fact she's taking care of two small children and their home and working as well.

I think many women romanticise the idea of being seen as the family leader and matriarch. In reality, they end up being a servant and secretly despised by their partners and grown-up children. Not all men will cheat or divorce but I can say for sure that those same men don't see their SAH wives as their "best friend" and soulmate 30 years down the line.

But unless someone has gagged you, use your words?

Don't you speak up when people make plans in front of you? I had ONE mate ( a bloke) who when it was his birthday I didn't get an invite for the get together, yet my OH ( who didn't actually like him much) did.

I asked why have you not invited me . Reply because of the baby ( who was 5 months by then lol) Tore him off a strip, pointed out I'm perfectly capable of sorting childcare. ( My oh was so relieved to have excuses not to go)

22ysars on we are still.good friends and still meet up regularly

You are so right @User086758, you see this playing out even before the children are adults. I work with lots of rich men whose wives don't work and the dynamic they have with their teenagers against "silly mummy" is unedifying. Some also bemoan their wives' lack of friends & interests outside of buying things for the house and other shopping. I do call them out on it when it's rude but I feel for both in the couple, it's not easy being someone's sole provider of friendship and income.

I bet someone planned her a nice hen do and she didn't moan about it at the time 🙄

This. It might be boring hearing about work, hen do’s, etc, but it’s just as boring to spend time with someone constantly banging on about their children. 🤷‍♀️

There are many things to chat about, and, no it wouldn’t be a good idea to take your children to an adult brunch. 🙄