My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

The problem is that we have often been trained to be loyal to our parents and that makes it hard for you to see his behaviour objectively.

This

Remember what we were told as kids?

" You can do what you want when you get your own house / when you're an adult"?

Maybe he isn't wrong and they do need some discipline but it's not his place to throw a wobbler like that.

Glad you've left OP. Him having his hands round your child's neck is not play fighting or roughousing at all. I think NC would be best.

I would go right away as what point in staying when you're upset and unwelcome.
Is your dad like this all the time? When you were growing up?
If it's out of character I'd be worrying about Parkinson's , Alzheimer's, etc
If in character is he always so intolerant? I have to say that's a pretty strong attack - maybe your kids are undisciplined and feral?
I freely admit there are several friends I will no longer associate with because their kids are intolerable.

Don't fall into the trap of appeasing an aggressive bully.
He deserves to be shunned and that is what I would do to him.

What an absolute child he is. My God how can you listen to him at all.

I would leave it a week, and then text him “I’ve been thinking about what you said that you can only say what you think and feel. The real difficulty is that you are not prepared to extend that courtesy to anyone else. You have a long history of shouting the odds and seem completely unaware that adults in society are expected to be constructive and in control of themselves- neither of which you can stomach doing.

I have no wish to engage in a tit-for-tat character shredding, so I am prepared to accept a proper apology that demonstrates you understand the hurt you have caused, and the actions you will take to prevent a repeat of your frankly disgusting diatribe.”

Obviously you leave. I can’t believe your DH let your dad speak to you like that and didn’t step in, my DH wouldn’t have allowed it and we’d have all packed our stuff and left immediately.
Your dad sounds horrible and abusive, I’d be seriously considering no contact after this.

I’m glad you left. I would not initiate any further contact.

Jesus woman get the hell out of there! Your father is the Ind who doesn't know how to behave like a civil human, no one else.

Even if your kids were a bit feral, that's no way to behave.

My heart goes out to you. I ended up leaving the country in my 20s and it took me years and having my own family to truly realise how unacceptable and abusive my father was to me. About seven years ago I took my toddler to stay with them and he lost his shit at me over something utterly minor, but in front of my son. My mother also had called my son ‘stupid’ for something - both times I called them out on it and said I’m not under your roof anymore, I have my own family and these are my rules of engagement. If you ever behave like this again I will stop coming to see you.

I have never stayed under their roof again since and contact is controlled and relatively minimal. Sad, but unfortunately this is how it has to be with people who lack respect and boundaries. Your dad sounds exactly like mine! And it’s hard because they aren’t a c’nt all the time so you end up minimising and excusing it!

What you permit you promote. Prioritise your children by demonstrating good boundaries and leave.

I would go home in the morning.
Explain to the kids that you don't like grandad being rough with them. Have a day out somewhere on the way home if possible so they don't miss out on a treat.
Neither your children nor you should be treated this way. Look after yourself and your family xx

Well done for leaving.
I'd personally stay away and not subject my children to him ever again. He wasn't even sorry for what he did or said.

Well your Dad is also a 'shit parent' and grandparent behaving that way with his daughter and grandchildren. So perhaps inform him that you must've learnt it from him!
I think his behaviour is disgusting. He sounds like hes from the era when kids were seen and not heard which is no longer the case.
I think perhaps your husband is being sensible that you wait until tomorrow as I could see that this incident could easily lead to a big fallout.
But how will you ever feel comfortable visiting again with your children. You will be permanently on edge.
You did the right thing how you spoke to your Dad but going forward perhaps you need to go for a short visit and if you live a distance away either travel or get a B&B or similar for the night.

What happens next is you just get on with life and don't go and stay there again. If he says anything about this just state that you have differences of opinion on parenting and that he has made it clear you and your children are unwelcome in his home. If other people aren't telling you your kids are out of control and are happy to host you then the issue is likely his old fashioned controlling ideas, it certainly sounds like it from what you've shared.

For what it's worth my parents and inlaws have doted on my kids and have excused and encouraged all sorts of over excited behaviour from my kids over the years with a "Don't worry, they're fine" to any kind of parenting I did to try and manage them in a not very child / toddler proof setting e.g 'Take your shoes off', 'Don't play with that', 'Don't touch Granny's ornaments', 'Stop wiping your hands on that window' etc.

You say you're worried about what the kids would make of you leaving early, but surely they would see a parent defending them, and not allowing abuse to continue? Staying would be saying it is ok for adults to take their anger out on you, and you don't have anyone to look after you.

That’s horrible and I’m glad you left. There is no way to know if the kids heard or not, but you need to have their back. He actually said he didn’t like them. As well as accusing you both of being bad parents. And he laid hands on a small child. I think for me it would be no contact.

None of this makes physical abuse ok!!!!!!

I think there’s clearly a shit parent here and it’s not you. Leave as soon as you can and limit future contact.

You would be unreasonable to stay !!!

Oooooh how about 'You could have left me to do the parenting. As I am his parent and he is my child. And you were physically violent. That is illegal these days.'

What a horrible grandad he is.

I know it can be a MN default setting to say go NC. But, he won't change.
When parents still try to dominate and control when the power is no longer with them (i.e. kids are adults), it only gets worse. When they can't control you, they try to control your children. Don't let him.

You have done the right thing leaving. If you choose to stay in touch, give him one warning - if he ever does it again, you will cut contact. And mean it.

From someone who has been there, got the t-shirt.

Well done for leaving. Your father is a nasty bully, he does not deserve the privilege of having you or your kids in his life. Enjoy getting home and the rest of the weekend. ❤️

Well done on leaving OP.

The only shit parent in this situation is your Dad. What a nasty bully. Shit Grandfather too obviously.