My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

Watching my DP recognise how much of an abusive shit his dad is, and going no contact… I’d thoroughly recommend you do the same. It’s been a sad journey at times, but ultimately SO satisfying and affirming to break the cycle.

Once you’ve dealt with the upset of the realisation of who your dad is, and the damage he will do to your children and their confidence etc, live a life free from him.

You’ve seen what he was like with your brothers, and now he’s doing the same to your little boys. He should never see them again.

But he didn’t play with it. He just reclined it once - which is its intended use. Would an adult house guest have been physically dragged off furniture for doing the same thing by him? Would be have pretended to strangle an adult houseguest?

I think not. The man is a bully. The child is 5. I’m not sure why some older people like him have such bizarre behaviour expectations of small children. It sounds like he wasn’t around for his own children’s childhoods, working away, and was physical with his stepchildren.

Good for you. You’ve shown your children their safety is important and the kind of behaviour that isn’t acceptable. He likely won’t apologise as he’s a bully and it sounds like he has little experience of being around children. But if he does and things are rebuilt it anyway I’d be clear that he is not to touch the children and only socialise for short periods outside the house

Just go

Well done op, make sure your children know that what grandad did was unacceptable and absolutely not their fault.

Tbh I wouldn't bother with the bully again, I would simply stop answering calls or texts, he doesn't need to be told, just gice him silence.

Their relationship will never recover from that though. Some self-reflection is probably in order here, albeit his swearing was out of line. My mil once lost it with our kids. They were behaving really badly and while we decided we wouldn’t leave them with her again until they were older as it wasn’t fair, we didn’t put things in writing that it would be hard for her to respond to and end our relationship with her over it.

Your dad was out of line though presumably caused by the stress of having children in the house that don’t behave in the more disciplined way that the older generation expects.

Perhaps have your parents come to your home in future so that they are not so stressed by potential for harm to their own furniture. Or pause visits until your kids are older and it is less stressful for both parties.

There’s no need to have a final rift in your relationship because of this - just acknowledge they have different expectations for children’s behaviour than you do and the usual “their house, their rules” therefore doesn’t work in this instance. Your house, your rules.

You tell them

'grandad hasn't been very kind during this visit, we're going to go home where everyone cN be safe and calm and oeaceful' then off you go.

Don't let him get away with this

Myself and my family would find it rude do a child to play with a recliner sofa and would expect a parent intervene and if thy didn’t we would, but by distraction not shout and grab. I understand his annoyance but not his actions.

If children are asleep, start discreetly packing. First thing in the morning hav everything in the car, try to have children eat breakfast then put them in the car and go back inside and calmly tell them you think the best thing is that you leave. Explain to children it is best you leave. I would try to carve out the ideal meet up next time at a neutral venue, maybe a park as important the children know who their grandparents are, as long as it is safe.
I don’t know how many children you have and maybe it is too much for them to have you visit, it is hard when there are a lot of children but his behaviour sounds disappointing.
Main thing is aim to remain calm and explain you think it’s better to leave, but thank them for having them and appreciate to meet at a different location next time.

How old is your Dad and how is he apart from this? I ask as my mother had dementia and I remember she went through a stage where she was very much like this (this is why my 15 yr old never really had a relationship with her and wasn't bothered too much when she passed away, but the older two remembered her very differently) luckily we already had a diagnosis and I could see what was happening and explain to the children, but they were obviously still upset about it.

Of course... We only have one side of the story and, you won't like this bit... But I work in a school and can say we have quite a lot of feral children with parents that just can't parent and they would probably be horrified at someone questioning their parenting ability. It's becoming a big problem in schools.

God you poor thing. Hes abusive. Just get out and dont go back. Your kids are scared of him too. Hes calling you shit because you gently pushed back on his abusive behaviour. Dont let things escalate.

I love how you're the shit parent. I would struggle to have anything to do with him going forward, he's a nasty bully.

I think you have done exactly the right thing by leaving and returning home. Who would want to stay under the roof with a father who has told you that you are shit parent, that your family is nor normal and horrifyingly, that he doesn’t like your children!

I don’t know how often you usually see him, but I would be scaling back any contact from now on. And tell him very bluntly why.

You did the right thing leaving, your dad’s behaviour to your son and to you was entirely unacceptable and you are right to enforce a boundary. It is so important to give this message to your kids too.

I wouldn’t be reaching out to him, the ball is in his court now to issue a mahoosive apology.

i hope you get to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Good for you.
I hope you have a lovely family day today with your husband and children.
Don't give him another thought. He is the one losing out on a relationship with his grandchildren

Yeah this post is concerning!

Definitely leave. Your father sounds horrible! I don't think you need someone like that in your life.
What was he like when you were growing up?

I’d have left as soon as he dragged him off the sofa.

If it was me, this would be the end. He is clearly abusive and doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

I can’t believe your husband managed to stay calm. Mine would have definitely gotten handsy at that point.

Has your dad always been an abusive cnt? Get your kids away from him.

Good point, also with aholes like that, the best way to deal with them is to give no fuel to the fire. OP should say what you’ve said above, then keep away and never see them again unless there’s a turnaround and realisation on their part. Sorry to say OP, but there won’t be. We had to do this with MIL, she was a real nasty piece of work. Total narcissist.

Go and pack up your things. In the morning leave and never come back. What an abusive ahole.

Yeah, I'm pretty chill, but I'd also be leaving in the morning. Not so much because of the actions towards your child (but they weren't okay at all), but his words to you.
"Dad, your words last night really hurt my feelings. I think it's best for everyone if we just head home now, and that'll give everyone the best chance to cool down."
Prepare to be gas-lit, "Oh, I was only joking, you silly girl!"
I'd go with fairly polite and non-confrontational, purely for the sake of getting out of there. But once home, I think I'd be going fairly low contact for quite some time, and probably no visits for the foreseeable future.

Well done for leaving

Ironic that he finds your children feral when Id say that's exactly how he was behaving. Children are impulsive and energetic their brains are not fully developed until in thier 20s. He is a grown man who obviously never learnt some lessons on behaviour himself!!

I'm so gladyou prioritised your children and left this morning. For a grandfather to behave in that manner is absolutely horrible. My father is in his 80's, he has grandchildren from preschool age to mid thirties and he has never behaved in anything close to what your father did. The reclining furniture in Da's house has been turned into forts, princess castles, shops and spaceships using bedspreads and sweeping brushes, the foot rest that pops up has been the bridge trolls live under and many a meal has been shared between grandparent and grandchild on the floor telling stories about the dolls and teddies who had taken all the seats!! This is how the relationship should be and if your father cannot be a nice, caring, gentle, loving example to your children he doesn't deserve them so don't worry about seeing him. Remember a grandparent figure doesn't actually need to be related, my 'granny' was the mother of my fathers best friend, she lived nearby and I spent a lot of time with her as a child, the love I felt a couple of years ago when I met her daughter who had immigrated in the 60's and she told me of her mother's letters being full of what we had gotten up to each week, baking, gardening, me chasing the hens, 'hiding' on my father so I could stay the night etc. You've done the right thing taking your children away from that man, memories of his behaviour is not what a child should have.

This is spot on.