My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

PoppyBlunt · 2026-04-10T23:26:29+00:00

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend. Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'. DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling. I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn.. He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance). He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her. He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us. All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout. AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them. DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

Original poster

PoppyBlunt · 28/04/2026 12:14

ApiratesaysYarrr · 27/04/2026 14:33

Well done on leaving.

If you needed any additional information to support that you made the right decision, then be aware that if your child told someone at school that their grandad had put their hands round their neck/dragged them off the furniture like that that school would raise a safeguarding concern. This way you can show them that you have acted to protect your children.

This is exactly what I keep thinking.

OP posts:

WaryHiker · 27/04/2026 15:59

I think you should have a word with your DH, who appears to have acted rather passively during all this. Most men would have had your father up against the wall if he'd choked and assaulted their child, not left it to you to deal with and even considered staying for another few days.

Let him know that due to your upbringing, your boundaries maybe somewhat skewed, and you need to know he has your children's backs at all times. So do they.

Twinandatwoyearold · 27/04/2026 14:56

I think your post on 12/04 said your dad was in care as a child? Is that correct?

Your dad over reacted and I understand why you left. I would have done the same.

If you want to maybe understand your fathers issues and why it may be that he goes from zero to one hundred ‘the body keeps the score’ by van der kolk and The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier are books that may explain a fair bit.

It’s not your job to read them but there’s a fair chance he hasn’t read them and has no idea about why he is the way he is. It’s not your job to fix him either but I recommend reading them and maybe suggesting them to his wife too. There may be more going on than him just being an arsehole.

You know if he’s likely to read these books himself and take on board what the authors say. If you think he will it may improve your relationship significantly.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 27/04/2026 14:33

Well done on leaving.

If you needed any additional information to support that you made the right decision, then be aware that if your child told someone at school that their grandad had put their hands round their neck/dragged them off the furniture like that that school would raise a safeguarding concern. This way you can show them that you have acted to protect your children.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 27/04/2026 05:37

Well done for leaving, OP.

blubberball · 15/04/2026 06:59

I'd leave asap. Sounds like a toxic environment for you and your DC. I need to feel safe

1HappyTraveller · 15/04/2026 06:49

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 17:57

The latter

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Yeah, screw them!

You don’t need these people around your kids.

1HappyTraveller · 15/04/2026 06:46

BollyMolly · 11/04/2026 03:51

People in my family would find it rude if someone allowed a small child to play with buttons on the mechanical chairs that have been bought for older family members with mobility problems, so I would expect to be told off if I let my child do what yours did without saying anything.

Obviously kids are going to want to play on the mobility chair, scooter or stair lift, but they are not toys and parents need to teach them not to press buttons whenever they feel like it. They will get a go on those things if/when the person who needs them
chooses.

Theres a possibility that you do let your children do things that others find unacceptable. It’s not uncommon nowadays with all this gentle parenting nonsense. Sometimes children just need to be told no, but if you think it’s fine for your children to play with someone’s mobility chair then it may be that as a family, you are hard work as guests.

Edited

Tell everyone that you don’t understand gentle parenting without telling everyone you don’t understand gentle parenting…

He grabbed his DC in an aggressive manner so I’m not sure what possible disability issues you are imagining. He sounds like an unpleasant man and you are defending his abusive behaviour. I hope you do better by the children in your family.

AngryHerring · 13/04/2026 11:51

My Dad also said to me before we left that he wasn't going to change and would always be physical and that's just how he is with boys- apparently he can't help it due to his upbringing (in care in the 1960s and then in the army). My DS's other 3 male grandfathers aren't like this.

your dad is a sexist bully. My dad grew up in a deprived family and then went in the army. He never treated my brother or any of my male relatives like that at all. (and never treated boys and girls differently)

Glad you left, that was the right thing to do. How you handle the relationship in the future is up to you, but in your shoes? there would be no more overnight visits full stop. If there were visits, they would not be at his house, and we would be staying at a hotel. The visit would be stopped at the first sign of "hands on child".

He probably won't change, and he will probably continue to think you are a weak parent and that he did no wrong. He is incorrect in that. You sent an excellent message to your child here, and that is good. The only improvement to that might have been leaving immediately, but that ship had sailed so you did the next best thing.

Spanglemum02 · 13/04/2026 11:46

It sounds like your Dad had a grim childhood in care in the 60s and wasn't really present as a father or stepfather, so isnt bery realistic about behaviour. That doesnt excuse his behaviour. If he didn't want your son playing on the reclining chair he could have said so calmly.
I'd stay away from them from now on.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 13/04/2026 11:22

I want to give you a hug! Being bitten at 18mo doesn't make them feral and it doesn't make you a shit parent. There is no excuse for dragging your child off the sofa.

I'd pack up and leave in the morning. You could even go for your day out just you, DH and the kids and drive home afterwards.

Sowhat1976 · 13/04/2026 07:31

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 17:57

The latter

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It's just manipulation. Your dad manhandled your kid and he isn't okay because you didn't allow that to happen without consequences or taking action. Your dad is a shit dad and grandad. He's clear that he won't change and will continue manhandling your kids if you allow him access to them. I wouldn't let him near your kids. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

Anyahyacinth · 13/04/2026 00:13

Porkychops · 12/04/2026 20:02

It was the grandad wasnt it, i rhink they hD recently moved to Wales but came from Wolverhampton.

Ethan Ives-Griffiths is the poor child I was thinking of, the grandfather picked him up bodily by the crook of the neck and shoulder carrying him away from a trampoline…lots of film of him hurting him. When OP said grandfather picked her son up by arm and leg it reminded me.

Porkychops · 12/04/2026 20:02

It was the grandad wasnt it, i rhink they hD recently moved to Wales but came from Wolverhampton.

Dalmationday · 12/04/2026 19:55

Anyahyacinth · 12/04/2026 18:53

Reminds me of that Dad who murdered the child who carried him by the shoulder. The total disrespect to you...you are permitting it by staying

What’s this, which country?

Anyahyacinth · 12/04/2026 18:53

Reminds me of that Dad who murdered the child who carried him by the shoulder. The total disrespect to you...you are permitting it by staying

Confusional · 12/04/2026 18:33

I’m so sorry OP. It really hurts when you get to this point but know you are anything but a shit parent, you are the person who stopped the generational trauma; you had the strength and power to change x

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 18:00

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 17:57

The latter

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Thanks for confirming my interpretation was correct.

She's as bad as him. Don't even reply.

Original poster

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 17:57

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 17:05

Your dad isnt okay as in "his behaviour was terrible. I'm sorry"

...or isn't okay like "your poor father he's ever so upset"

Show quote history

The latter

OP posts:

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 17:05

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 15:24

Thank you for all the replies, the significant majority of which are very kind and a couple rightly pulling me up on why I was even asking the question and to get out asap - my head was frazzled and I just couldn't quite compute it all.

The small minority of replies agree with my Dad that my children are feral...for putting up a recliner chair. Bamboozling.

They are like any children and play up on occasion, but we have firm boundaries and consequences, they are not feral. But it is very much a case of total obedience in his presence. On reflection I've realised that when we go to his it is almost like a museum. The kids can't touch anything, or even do simple things like moving a curtain slightly to look out of the window / opening a drawer to get playing cards out etc. Seen and not heard.

My Dad also said to me before we left that he wasn't going to change and would always be physical and that's just how he is with boys- apparently he can't help it due to his upbringing (in care in the 1960s and then in the army). My DS's other 3 male grandfathers aren't like this.

He expects me to be physical with them in terms of boundaries / punishment and I will not be.

He only sees us twice a year, so in reality knows nothing about our family and my parenting. Except that it isnt like his. Thank goodness it isn't.

His wife messaged me last night checking in on me and saying that if it was any consolation my Dad wasn't ok. I'm not responding further to them.

Your dad isnt okay as in "his behaviour was terrible. I'm sorry"

...or isn't okay like "your poor father he's ever so upset"

DierdreDaphne · 12/04/2026 16:21

I feel very sorry for your step brothers OP. I can't help feeling such vitriol towards his own family comes from some awful fucked up place inside himself, but that's not your problem. He has said he won't change. So you are cleared to decide you won't change either, and as such, that behaviour from him towards you and your dc is never going to be tolerated by you, so he won't see you and your family.

Dads wife will doubtless try to guilt trip you, but he 1000% brought it on himself. How she deals with the situation is up to her.

Voneska · 12/04/2026 16:06

As I said before: I have experienced this scenario; I've also received momentary Apologies which meant nothing because they went right back to Toxic. I have walked away, gone back , walked away. My biggest mistake was treating family member as a close friend when in actual fact they were anything but. One of the things I endured was being EAR BLASTED as I lay in bed with coronavirus , during the great pandemic ,and blamed for catching it because I let my spare room to a International student and that I brought it to myself because she had seen her mother to comfort her.After her father succumbed. Not withstanding that I was working on a Isolation unit with Covid patients in.

Triskellion75 · 12/04/2026 15:34

At least his wife sounds nice. But he really does owe you a very big apology if there's to be any chance of moving forward.

Original poster

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 15:24

Thank you for all the replies, the significant majority of which are very kind and a couple rightly pulling me up on why I was even asking the question and to get out asap - my head was frazzled and I just couldn't quite compute it all.

The small minority of replies agree with my Dad that my children are feral...for putting up a recliner chair. Bamboozling.

They are like any children and play up on occasion, but we have firm boundaries and consequences, they are not feral. But it is very much a case of total obedience in his presence. On reflection I've realised that when we go to his it is almost like a museum. The kids can't touch anything, or even do simple things like moving a curtain slightly to look out of the window / opening a drawer to get playing cards out etc. Seen and not heard.

My Dad also said to me before we left that he wasn't going to change and would always be physical and that's just how he is with boys- apparently he can't help it due to his upbringing (in care in the 1960s and then in the army). My DS's other 3 male grandfathers aren't like this.

He expects me to be physical with them in terms of boundaries / punishment and I will not be.

He only sees us twice a year, so in reality knows nothing about our family and my parenting. Except that it isnt like his. Thank goodness it isn't.

His wife messaged me last night checking in on me and saying that if it was any consolation my Dad wasn't ok. I'm not responding further to them.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 12/04/2026 14:54

Voneska · 12/04/2026 12:23

Set Alarm for very early. Get all belongings in car first. Then prepare drinks for journey, put in car. Shepherd children into car ASAP after they wake up. Give minimal reason , very little conversation when you leave, just say you will phone them later. Then GO !!!!!!!! ...I've been in thus situation, but without children in tow. I just jumped out my chair and ssud " IM GOING TO THE PUB !!!!!! ".....I never went back!!!!!! ( for many months). Good Luck !! ..You dont need these TOXIC people around you.

PoppyBlunt · Yesterday 09:15
On the way home. Thank you all for giving me the confidence to get out of there rather than spend a day pretending.

FYI ^^