AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

Forget the home schooling. Get the children in a nursery/school and away from this horrible, toxic marriage.

Get a job and some financial independence and then you can both split when your house sells.

I hope you both find whatever or whoever makes you happy. But it's not each other.

The youngest is just over 18 months old and she had a 3a tear and severe hemorrhage. It wouldn't be unusual in any way to not want sex at this point even if she had a good partner, which obviously she doesn't.

Many men with 19 month olds do in fact put up with it because many women with toddlers that age still don't have their libido back.
It's different later on but at this stage there would still be some men who don't pressure their partner for sex and they wouldn't consider leaving during the early child-rearing years.

There's no hope for the OPs relationship because there's no way her libido will return for a man like this.

Sounds like this marriage has run its course.

• Mismatched libidos.
• DH verbally abusive.
• Marriage been in a bad state for years.
• OP hanging on for SAHM / homeschooling benefits.

Sounds like a home full of resentment and verbal abuse—not a great environment for young children to be living in.

I would say that it’s actually pretty unusual to not want sex at all nearly 2 years after giving birth and that you probably don’t fancy him / aren’t connected with him which is why you don’t want it. Given your updates I can understand why that is. Leave whilst you are young and find someone that you are able to have that connection with.

That’s not quite true. Women here believe that, within reason, men and women can expect to have sex with their spouse. If the man is in fact awful, the woman should leave, rather than remain in an, ostensibly, romantic relationship,

I do think it’s unreasonable to expect somebody to have sex with you despite mistreating them.

It never ceases to amaze how women here seem to genuinely believe that no matter how awful a husband is - it’s not unreasonable for him to expect to still have sex with her.

by the way he's treating you he's trapped himself in a sexless marriage!

It als sounds like you need to drop a few plates- if not for him for yourself. Homeschooling on top of everything else sounds like too much.

Also if MS isn't preventing him from sex then it can't be stopping him from doing a load of laundry, or checking in on his wife emotionally.

If he has Ms I would ask exactly how much this effects him, and also if it's worsened recently? I also would ask if you want to carry on with the marriage because I can't see that you are overly keen to do so.

I think you're probably both feeling trapped right now. He's vocalised that he feels trapped in a sexless marriage, you feel trapped in a shitty, unsupportive one.

If you want this to work you're going to need a therapist. Someone who's going to help him see that your emotional needs must be met in order to consider his sexual ones and to help you work through your resentment.

I'm of the opinion that he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and put in the work if he wants to get his end away and that it's his responsibility to act like a man, not yours to make him feel like one. But it's a vicious cycle. He's not going to want to help you if you don't give him what he wants, you're not going to give him what he wants if he doesn't give you what you need. Round and round.

My sex drive is only just starting to return after 18 months of being a SAHM to our youngest (of 3). It's draining. For me, I was physically repulsed by trying to have sex that I didn't want. It's not something that you should ever just have to shut up and put up with. He needs to understand that he needs to make you want it.

Assuming he’s got any money to give her

Oh, there’s always some silly cow available to service that need usually one that’s been abused and broken by a different man
They all facilitate each other

Your marriage is quite unhappy, in more ways than one. Having another child in an already messy situation wasn't appropriate either. It would be best to lay your cards on the table and start preparing for separation.

I would leave. It's hard enough being a carer for a partner with MS if you love and cherish them. If you don't, it will probably break you. Sex is a red herring here and just a symptom of much deeper problems. Either find a really good marital therapist or a really good divorce lawyer would be my advice.

Cross post!

Maybe OP shouldn't have had another child when she was fully aware of all the issues in the relationship.

Im sorry, did you say somewhere that he had MS? As in Multiple Sclerosis?

He's got ms so sleeps a lot

Exactly how does the MS affect DH and your relationship?

Maybe he shouldn’t have had a child then if he knew he couldn’t help out.

Also, it sounds like you are giving a false sense of reality. Does he k ow if it wasn't for tge money, you'd be gone by now?

So if it was for the money, you would have left him. You just don't want to have sex with him, end of.

Just move and become self reliant. The kids will survive not being home schooled.

@MrsBrownsBum He does have MS so that will severely limit his physical and mental energy.

OP, it feels like home schooling is a crazy idea under the circumstances. Can you possibly consider regular schooling or is that out of the question? Then you'd work, have money of your own, be able to pay for a decorator, be less exhausted... Life might appear rather different then.

But if your feelings stay as they are now then separating is the best option. A sexless marriage won't fulfil both of your needs.

No one is suggesting you have sex daily. Is that what you've taken from this? Having said that, I certainly wouldn't entertain having sex with my partner no more than 3 times per year. Stop making excuses and just end this miserable marriage.