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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

233 replies

Anonymous23458d · 07/04/2026 21:07

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

OP posts:
kkloo · 08/04/2026 21:42

Tableforjoan · 08/04/2026 21:33

If we had zero sexual intimacy out side of those 5 Piv times. Yes.

I assume I’d probably feel like I was used to make the required babies and then that was it.

I even as a women whose birthed multiple babies just cannot grasp not wanting sex basically and if piv was temporary off the cards I’d still want other sexual intimacy, with the aim of Piv coming back but even then there is a limit.

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I have a high libido too but I have no issue comprehending that there are certain things that are known and widely discussed in society as potentially causing a long stretch of no libido.

I'm sure I might have passing thoughts that maybe they're just not attracted to me because most would be a bit paranoid but to assume that you were used and to not look at the bigger picture would be quite self-absorbed.

Don't get me wrong, people are fully entitled to leave if they want, but leaving someone over lack of sex in those circumstances doesn't bode well for their future in other relationships either.

Bikergran · 08/04/2026 21:35

MrsBrownsBum · 07/04/2026 21:29

Then tell him if he wants sex he can shift his fucking arse, start seeing what is needed and help out. Why would any woman want to have sex with a manbaby? So sick of these idiot men, they are perfectly capable of doing so - my DH does so much for us wherever he can, and that’s not meant to be a boast but rather a statement that you don’t have to put up with male incompetence.

This.

Tableforjoan · 08/04/2026 21:33

kkloo · 08/04/2026 21:28

What about if men were the ones who carried babies and he had been through pregnancy and carried your baby, suffered a traumatic birth with a 3a tear and severe hemorrhage?
Would you leave him then if you only had sex 5 times in 19 months?

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If we had zero sexual intimacy out side of those 5 Piv times. Yes.

I assume I’d probably feel like I was used to make the required babies and then that was it.

I even as a women whose birthed multiple babies just cannot grasp not wanting sex basically and if piv was temporary off the cards I’d still want other sexual intimacy, with the aim of Piv coming back but even then there is a limit.

kkloo · 08/04/2026 21:28

Tableforjoan · 08/04/2026 21:25

I’ll be honest and say I’d leave dh if we had sex a mere 5 times in 19 months unless he had say Ed and had tried everything he could to work around it and we where still at least intimate in other ways but even then I’m not sure.

If I’m a shit women then so be it. But without sexual intimacy we might as well be house mates.

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What about if men were the ones who carried babies and he had been through pregnancy and carried your baby, suffered a traumatic birth with a 3a tear and severe hemorrhage?
Would you leave him then if you only had sex 5 times in 19 months?

Tableforjoan · 08/04/2026 21:25

JHound · 08/04/2026 21:08

Those men are shit humans. Certainly not suited for long term marriage.

I cannot imagine leaving a partner because a new child and birth injuries left them without a sex drive for a mere 19 months. How on earth would you deal with real relationship issues?!

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I’ll be honest and say I’d leave dh if we had sex a mere 5 times in 19 months unless he had say Ed and had tried everything he could to work around it and we where still at least intimate in other ways but even then I’m not sure.

If I’m a shit women then so be it. But without sexual intimacy we might as well be house mates.

JHound · 08/04/2026 21:08

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 14:02

And they don't have to if they don't want to, 19 months without sex is a long time and a lot of men would very much consider leaving after 19 months without sex and - perhaps even more pertinently - her clear indication that this will not change.

And regardless of the mythical unicorn men who'd be happy with this situation, he's not, as is his right.

There's no hope for their relationship. She doesn't fancy him for whatever reason and he's not going to just do without sex because she says so.

And he also sounds like he's not giving her the support she wants, perhaps at least in part because he has multiple sclerosis, something she threw in very quickly and barely mentioned, which was an extremely odd way to address such a massive issue.

And of course she should never have given up working and expected a man with multiple sclerosis to be the sole provider financially for her and their children, let alone the strange choice to have another kid with a man with multiple sclerosis. But what's done is done so now it's time for her to ge t a job and divorce him.

She wanted to be told it was ok to refuse her husband sex forever - she's made it clear she does not fancy him and has made no indication of any kind that she'd like to work towards having sex with her husband again.

Well, it's always her choice of course. It's ok in the sense that she has autonomy over her own body.

And it's ok for him to say nope, not having that, and leave. No sex is a huge thing for most people in a marriage.

What she cannot expect is that he stays in a sexless marriage with a woman who despises him, but keeps paying the bills. Time for the marriage to end.

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Those men are shit humans. Certainly not suited for long term marriage.

I cannot imagine leaving a partner because a new child and birth injuries left them without a sex drive for a mere 19 months. How on earth would you deal with real relationship issues?!

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:41

Gloriia · 08/04/2026 15:26

Op, you need to separate. You're clearly incompatible.

Get the kids into a school, get a job and leave. Live is too short to live in such misery Flowers.

Yes OP take one step this week even if it is to do some research on schools etc, you would feel even more trapped if you started to homeschool. Or look into what kind of benefits you might get to support you.

A lot of people are saying he might leave, but equally he might not leave but he'll continue to behave this way or even worse and it will be a toxic environment for you and for your kids, and it would be truly awful for the kids because there would be no escape from the home environment the way school can be.

MidnightBlush · 08/04/2026 15:37

May I make a guess here that your lack of desire towards him is partly due to exhaustion of bearing a huge parenting load, but also because he doesn’t truly feel like your safe space. That feeling when you melt into the arms of the person you love, and sex naturally follows. From everything else you say, I’m going to guess that feeling isn’t there - and that the absence of sexual desire is a symptom of a wider issue. I’m sorry you’re contending with so much at the moment. I hope you can get some clarity and space x

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 15:34

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:20

And you yourself are just the epitome of being cool, calm and collected. 😂😂
You need to take a look at yourself and how you tear other women down on the internet, I certainly hope you would never be so nasty to a daughter or young female family member who was being mistreated after having a traumatic birth, making out the husband is the victim and she's awful.

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And on and on and on and on and on and on and on 😆😅

So anyway, OP doesn't like him doesn't want to have sex with him or share a bed with him so she can now get a job and end the relationship.

All sorted, not complicated. You're welcome.

Gloriia · 08/04/2026 15:26

Op, you need to separate. You're clearly incompatible.

Get the kids into a school, get a job and leave. Live is too short to live in such misery Flowers.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 08/04/2026 15:26

BunnyMcDougall · 08/04/2026 15:17

You asked who defined sexless as 10x. Question answered. I cannot help you if you don’t like the answer to your question. 🤷‍♀️

Learning how to correctly use the word ‘literally’ would also help, yet here we are…

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As we're on the on the internet, you have no idea whether my comment is literal.

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:20

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 15:16

And on and on and on and on and...😅😆😂 You're triggered. That's a you problem. Move on.

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And you yourself are just the epitome of being cool, calm and collected. 😂😂
You need to take a look at yourself and how you tear other women down on the internet, I certainly hope you would never be so nasty to a daughter or young female family member who was being mistreated after having a traumatic birth, making out the husband is the victim and she's awful.

BunnyMcDougall · 08/04/2026 15:17

DeftGoldHedgehog · 08/04/2026 15:12

I literally could not give a shiny shit what therapists say. Of course they would define a sexless marriage as one where the couple do have sex from time to time. It's in their interests to, so more people read that and think they have a problem then pay for the therapist's services.

Googling still requires you to think and use your brain. Learning critical thinking would help.

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You asked who defined sexless as 10x. Question answered. I cannot help you if you don’t like the answer to your question. 🤷‍♀️

Learning how to correctly use the word ‘literally’ would also help, yet here we are…

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 15:16

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:10

Truly outstanding display of childishness. Take a bow.

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And on and on and on and on and...😅😆😂 You're triggered. That's a you problem. Move on.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 08/04/2026 15:12

BunnyMcDougall · 08/04/2026 15:05

https://thepleasantrelationship.com/sexless-marriage/

https://shifatherapy.com/blog/sexless-marriage/

https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/understanding-sexless-marriage

Ever heard of Google? It’s great. Hth.

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I literally could not give a shiny shit what therapists say. Of course they would define a sexless marriage as one where the couple do have sex from time to time. It's in their interests to, so more people read that and think they have a problem then pay for the therapist's services.

Googling still requires you to think and use your brain. Learning critical thinking would help.

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:10

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 15:06

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

Again, she doesn't like him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't want to have sex with him. Again, he doesn't have to accept that.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Not complicated. Problem 100% sorted.

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Truly outstanding display of childishness. Take a bow.

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 15:06

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:02

And your posts are so exciting and not in any way rambling 😂
Also the height of maturity 😂Get a life.

Again, he doesn't like her, doesn't fancy her, and presumably only wants to have sex with her because she's convenient.

It is complicated, but I hope she does in fact do it.

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And on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

Again, she doesn't like him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't want to have sex with him. Again, he doesn't have to accept that.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Not complicated. Problem 100% sorted.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/04/2026 15:03

Anonymous23458d · 07/04/2026 22:07

When i rejected him the other day after having a stressful day he started insulting me calling me ugly and saying/' I dont want to anyway because your ugly"
Just pathetic really. He's justifying saying it because he says hes angry about being trapped in a sexless marriage

I think you need to start working on a plan to get back to work so you're able to stand on your own feet if/when the marriage ends.

You say he is abusive and you're not attracted to him but it looks like you're staying because you're financially dependent on him. What happens if he decides that he is fine and leaves? You need to be proactive and start getting ready. Also if you think there's a chance you can both try to work on things eg therapy etc. if you think that boat has sailed then you know what to do.

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:02

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 14:58

You're still rambling on and on and on and on and on. And it's...soooo....boring.

Again, she doesn't like him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't want to have sex with him. Again, he doesn't have to accept that.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Not complicated. Problem 100% sorted.

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And your posts are so exciting and not in any way rambling 😂
Also the height of maturity 😂Get a life.

Again, he doesn't like her, doesn't fancy her, and presumably only wants to have sex with her because she's convenient.

It is complicated, but I hope she does in fact do it.

FrankieMcGrath · 08/04/2026 15:02

PonyPatter44 · 07/04/2026 22:14

This isn't a marriage. You don't like each other, you don't enjoy spending time together, you never have sex and he's horrible to you. Just draw a line under it all, and go your separate ways.

This!

kkloo · 08/04/2026 15:00

Tableforjoan · 08/04/2026 14:52

Well yes dh had surgery that put him out of action for a month for Piv. I wouldn’t of described myself as in a sexless marriage then it was a month and we did other things.

Though ultimately sexless is sexless, the reason for why tends to be the reason the other partner is ok with this rather than wanting it to become a forever thing. The light at the end of the tunnel knowing the dry patch will pass.

The op doesn’t want sex at all with her dh she doesn’t fancy him and would leave by the sounds of it if she could still be financed to be a sahm homeschooler, so it’s going to be a sexless marriage if they stay together which seems bonkers to do.

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Yes but treating it like a 'sexless marriage' when it could just be a long dry spell due to verifiable reasons is how people create a permanent sexless marriage.
No good comes out of pressuring a partner for sex before they're ready when they have very valid reasons for not wanting sex.

It does seem bonkers but I don't think OP will stay, she posted here after being abused and called ugly, this situation is going to get even worse so I would imagine that she will find the strength to leave, sooner rather than later hopefully.

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 14:58

kkloo · 08/04/2026 14:54

You're the one talking daft.
That clearly wasn't rambling, I just took your points and showed you that they also applied to him, while you are committed to trying to make out he's the victim.

It seems like he casually dismissed her traumatic birth and all that that entailed. Again everything you say applies to him.

He doesn't fancy her either, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed and presumably just wants to have sex with her because she's the only option because he certainly doesn't seem to like, love or appreciate her.

Yes it is complicated, get off the poor womans back, she's had a rough time, she posted on here after being abused and will need time to get her thoughts/plans in order.

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You're still rambling on and on and on and on and on. And it's...soooo....boring.

Again, she doesn't like him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't want to have sex with him. Again, he doesn't have to accept that.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Not complicated. Problem 100% sorted.

kkloo · 08/04/2026 14:54

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 08/04/2026 14:48

Please stop talking daft and just rambling, it's pointless and boring and you seem genuinely triggered. I just keep repeating facts and off you go again.

Yes, that's "all" - not particularly nice behaviour and nobody needs to put up with anyone they don't want to, but someone who can casually dismiss their husband's multiple sclerosis in a quick sentence barely acknowledging it might make him tired (gosh, really?!) is not someone who is being honest and upfront.

And none of this is actually the big drama you are pretending it to be.

She doesn't fancy him wants separate beds doesn't want sex and doesn't like him. He is bitterly unhappy with her decision to never have sex with him

So that's that, marriage over, time for her to get a paid job and move on. It's just not that complicated.

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You're the one talking daft.
That clearly wasn't rambling, I just took your points and showed you that they also applied to him, while you are committed to trying to make out he's the victim.

It seems like he casually dismissed her traumatic birth and all that that entailed. Again everything you say applies to him.

He doesn't fancy her either, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed and presumably just wants to have sex with her because she's the only option because he certainly doesn't seem to like, love or appreciate her.

Yes it is complicated, get off the poor womans back, she's had a rough time, she posted on here after being abused and will need time to get her thoughts/plans in order.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 08/04/2026 14:52

anotheranonanon · 08/04/2026 11:15

I would say that it’s actually pretty unusual to not want sex at all nearly 2 years after giving birth and that you probably don’t fancy him / aren’t connected with him which is why you don’t want it. Given your updates I can understand why that is. Leave whilst you are young and find someone that you are able to have that connection with.

Five times in a year and a half is not "not at all" in two years.

Particularly given she wouldn't be able to have PIV sex for months after giving birth, with severe birth injuries. And even then it might be absolutely terrifying and traumatic.

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