AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

What on earth are you on about?
It's called having emotional intelligence, not issues.

OP literally asked the question is she being unreasonable to 'not want sex' in this situation.

In a long term relationship, sexual desire towards a partner for many people absolutely does rely on feeling supported and respected and like you have a connection with a partner. She may well have sexual desire or a libido but have zero sexual desire towards her partner. Completely normal and bizarre that you don't see the link and instead have said she's using sex to punish him.

Gross and so ignorant if you actually believe that. I mean you have google so there's no excuse for such ignorance.

Wow you have issues,the relationship doesn't sound good but OP isn't saying she doesn't want sex she's saying she doesn't feel supported so, that,really is the issue.Sexual desire is a whole other subject, doesn't rely on feeling supported

When my dad died I got dragged into a bad case of depression. Our toddler was 2 years old and between grief and having a young child sex was the last thing in my mind for about an entire year until I decided to reclaim my life. I know DH needed and wanted sex but he never once used this to abuse me. His supportiveness is what made me want him sexually once I resurfaced from grief and we are now back to our normal rhythm. OP I agree with posters who say sex is extremely important for a good relationship and I can almost categorically say it makes partners tolerate each other much better. Having said that you can’t magically inject a good husband into an obnoxious twat and sorry to be blunt but he sounds like one. Regardless of what you do with your marriage my advice would be to go back to work and reclaim your financial independence, then reassess your options objectively.

The marriage is over. You obviously don't like him and are only staying with him out of convenience/financial reasons.

Be strong and leave for both of your sakes.

Perhaps it started when she had the 3a tear and severe hemorrhage then?

But I would imagine his behaviour has been bad for a long time as she said they have been on the verge of splitting up many times in the past few years and he can be emotionally abusive and changeful.

A decent man wouldn't ever get to the point of calling his partner ugly due to being rejected for sex when they had a 19 month old and she suffered birth trauma so I don't believe for a second that he was a good man who has been driven to this by the OP rejecting sex.

Sometimes it's not that both sides led to the breakdown, some people are just abusive, and then women can lose their libido after childbirth which is a well established fact, especially after a traumatic birth so even if he was perfect up until the OP stopped wanting sex (extremely unlikely) its not really fair to blame someone for something that had no control over. It's not something someone can look at and say "ok I'll do things differently next time and I won't lose my libido, I'll be rearing to go after 3 months".

Maybe he could take a look at himself and his behaviour then and understand why he is being rejected.

His behaviour wasn’t the reason he started being rejected (or so it comes across in OPs posts), his behaviour seems to be in retaliation to the rejection. Not ok to call her ugly etc because he’s hurt.
It’s not about ‘victim’ blaming it’s about looking at both sides because they both play a part in the breakdown of this relationship.

Another consideration might be how do you both feel about the diagnosis- have you discussed it? The trajectory of the illness, the longer term? Because it's easy to have this whole conversation without considering his condition and your caring role. Just look at the responses. I almost feel like I've read it wrong.

Maybe he could take a look at himself and his behaviour then and understand why he is being rejected.
Feeling rejected does not excuse his behaviour. And it's not exactly why he is behaving this way, there are other ways to behave in response to feeling rejected, but he chose to be abusive because he is abusive.

Just smacks of victim blaming, 'well if you didn't do that he wouldn't have done that'.

Presumably he just means because she won't have sex with him that she's using it against him, when really all she's trying to do is protect herself from sex she doesn't want.

separate and get a job. If he wants ti homeschool he can do it.

Leave now. Before it gets worse and you can’t. His health will decline and you will
End up caring for him and he will still be abusive but will ramp it up and you will feel you can’t leave and have to put up with it!

divorce is fantastic!

The third word in that comment is exactly why he is behaving the way he is… ‘rejected’
He is hurt and upset because he is feeling rejected by you and it’s obviously causing some resentment towards you.

You wrote he says you’re manipulative and use sex against him, what does he mean by that, how does he think you do that?

How do you make that one out exactly?

Do you understand sexual desire and the concept of mutually fulfilling sex? because it doesn't seem like you do with that kind of comment.

People can lose sexual desire for their partners when they are not supportive, that is unconscious and not a choice, they then don't want to have sex with their partners because they do not get turned on by them. Losing desire for your partner, and not being willing to just let them have sex with your body when you don't want it is not in any way using sex to punish them.

Does he sound like the type of man who would talk or go to counselling? She said he dismisses her concerns, when she rejected sex he said he didn't want to anyway because she's ugly. What kind of positive and proactive conversations do you think she could have with this man? Also counselling is not recommended where there is abuse.

Also what do you mean by unhitch using sex to address this problem, you're essentially seem to be telling her that whether she wants to or not, no matter how vile he is to her that she should be letting him use her body for sex. Absolutely vile.

Agreed.
It's one thing if a man leaves a sexless marriage when his kids are a bit older, completely different to leave when his wife had a baby 19 months ago and suffered birth injuries. Huge red flag.

Sorry, but you are using sex to punish him for not being very supportive.
You need to tackle the actual problem , which is lack of support, you need to talk / counselling- and unhitch using sex to address this problem.

You are in an ugly abusive relationship with a nasty vile pig.
You need to seek support from a domestic abuse charity.

Coercive sex is rape.
Time to end your marriage.
Tell family and friends the truth.
You need support.

I am not sure what the relevance is of your post. We aren’t talking about somebody simply not wanting sex just because.

I also don’t get people where the only difference between housemates and romantic partners is sex.

Personally if a man hitting on me told me he was single because he ditched his wife and baby because birth injuries meant she could barely have sex 5 times in 19 months - I would not go near him.

I would genuinely question the mindset of somebody who wanted to have sex with somebody in this condition.

Ok I haven't read it all but to me you both sound equally unhappy and this isn't just about sex.

One of the few times busy parents get to discuss stuff and emotionally connect is in bed on a night. I'm not talking sex here, I am talking about cuddles, talking about the day and generally sharing.

He doesn't want you in his bed, which removes that opportunity for emotional intimacy and also the potential for build up to a mutual desire for sex. It also sounds like you had a hard pregnancy and some repercussions emotionally from that.

He has MS and he works full time, you (both?) wanted your kids home schooled so you gave up work to do that, plus looking after the kids and the house. That's a 24/7 job and he isn't pulling his weight, his MS is an excuse but its not the answer to why you are bearing the load alone.

He has MS and may not be physically capable of doing more at home, but that also means that changing roles isn't an option, i.e you working and him being at home.

It seems to me that, you have both lost sight of each other, both physically exhausted and emotionally adrift. He wants sex and wonders why you are not interested...and that presumably is because you are too tired and there is no emotional intimacy in the run up.

You are financially cornered if it comes to separation as you can't afford to live as you do without his income.

I think what you do now depends on how you feel about your husband. Don't think about your kids because if you stay with him for the wrong reason, their upbringing will be with parents who are unhappy and it will give them the wrong idea about what relationships are. If you both want to give it a another go, you have some hard talking to do.

There are lots of practical things you can do.

I suggest your kids are not home schooled and that you go back to work at least part time. Yes you are still looking after the kids but you don't have to do all the prep for the home schooling etc. When all the kids are in school you can use those free days for housework and/or some "me" time or swop to a full time roll. Home schooling is good, but if the kids are at school there will be more opportunities for post school activities that do not include you or Dad. You will have an income and if things ultimately go belly up, it won't be too hard a financial or educational wrench for you and the kids to move on.

You get a kingsize bed with two individual sections to fit your needs - not cheap and whilst it doesn't fix the snoring, it stops each of you being affected by movement in the night. You know the type I mean, you can choose to recline separately from your partner or have a different softness, basically two beds joined together type thing.

He needs to go see the GP about his snoring and maybe get a cpap machine if needed. I say this not just to manage the noise but because, people who snore generally do not get the quality of sleep they need which makes them very tired and likely to fall asleep when they get home from work....I speak from experience with my husband and the chance we both saw when he got his cpap. Its a win/win situation. He gets a better quality of sleep so may not be as grumpy and tired and you can sleep and the cpap minimises his snoring.

Get a babysitter and have a night out occasionally, just you and him, date nights. Try rediscover the romance.

This is abusive and foul no wonder you dont want sex with the disgusting pig

Also is MS multiple sclerosis? If it is then I think his mood could be affected. My friend who was diagnosed had verbal warnings at work for irritability before being diagnosed.

A strong Married relationship though - can accommodate periods without sex and fluctuations. Of course you don't want to if you are feeling exhausted. And if you are exhausted all the time something needs to shift. It's an absolute right not to have sex. There's no right to sex. He might not like it but it won't kill him.
Sounds like the division of labour isn't right but if he's ill that's also very challenging. You need financial.advice around your options if you are considering any changes. Would he qualify for care of any kind?

Why on earth would you homeschool?

You need to send your child to school and your youngest to day care and you need to get back to work.

Your husband has MS and sleeps all the time. If he has time for sex then he has time to contribute.

A relative of mine has MS. She can’t work. She still contributes. She’s gone on experimental drug trials. She takes care of her grandchildren.

It really concerns me that you have chosen not to work. Your husband has a debilitating condition which might make work impossible for him in the future. You need to go back to work.

MS isn’t a condition that kills you. It’s a condition that dies with you. This means that your future with your husband will only get worse.

It seems like your relationship ending won’t be the worst thing in the world. Good luck your husband finding someone who wants to date and have sex with him when he has nothing to offer.

So to sum up - OP doesn't like her husband, doesn't fancy him, is happy not to share a bed with him, says he doesn't give her enough support and he called her ugly during a fight.

She is happy to refuse to have sex with him ostensibly forever. He wants sex.

Regardless of the reasons you cannot expect someone to stick around paying the bills while a vital chunk of your married life is sealed off to them. Yes, sex is vital in a marriage to me, I'd be devastated if my husband didn't want to have sex with me. Yes, sex is vital in the marriage to her husband.

There have been times we could not have sex over the years because of medical issues (on both sides). So what we did was discuss that and figure out when it would be safe/comfortable again and look forward to that day.

Neither of us reacted with disgust of the other and relief we could say no to sex. That's an unhealthy way to feel about a spouse and shows the marriage has completely broken down.

The disingenousness of those shouting NO SEX FOR HIM FOREVER AND HE CAN JUST PUT UP WITH IT! is clear. They are pretending this is a hiatus, that OP gets that he actually does have a right to want sex and that she acknowledges his right to want sex.

You will note I DID NOT SAY he has a right to force her to have sex or a right to have sex with her so don't lie about that. I am quite clear on bodily autonomy.

But he DOES HAVE a right to want sex wtihin a functioning marriage.

OP is determined (yes, she is, don't be disingenous) not to have sex with him and there is nothing to indicate she wants to discuss that or head towards a healthy, functional sexual relationship where they are both happy.

"I would've left a long time ago really but not sure how I would do it on my own. I think I am just not attracted to him really, ive tried to make it work but I just can't force that anymore."

She wants him to stay to keep paying the bills and maintain the family unit. Sexless. He's not going to agree to that.

Again, the reasons for this situation are not under discussion, not even the reality that he has multiple sclerosis. None of that matters.

What matters is that OP think the solution is "no sex" and her husband disagrees completely.

She's allowed not to want sex with him for any reason or none. He's allowed not to agree with no sex.

So to sum up - OP doesn't like her husband, doesn't fancy him, is happy not to share a bed with him and doesn't want sex with him.

So the marriage is over and it's time for OP to get a job and move on.

It's actually not complicated, not at all.

In some cases it is and in others it isn't, perhaps she needed therapy for the emotional trauma following the birth and hasn't been able to go, perhaps her sexual desire may have returned already if she had a loving partner who cherished her, there's no doctor who can make a woman horny for a shitty husband.

Yes she doesn't fancy him, but if he was a loving partner who supported her then she very possibly would.

Of course you don’t want sex OP. You are exhausted 💐

I really recommend reading the Liberating Motherhood substack by Zawn Villenes. She did an extensive survey on why women go off sex and why some men do very little to remedy the situation other than expecting their partners to put up with sex that’s unsatisfying or coercive.

i don’t believe there’s a rule book around sex and relationships. I often think that if for some reason my partner could never have sex again - medical, stress, or whatever - I love him and would deal with it, because the rest of the relationship is important enough for me. But that’s me and everyone has different red lines. One hard red line for me though, is that no one should be feeling coerced into having sex they don’t want.

19month is long enough to heal and if it isn’t you should be at the doctors trying a long time prior and again I mentioned over sexual intimacy. In case she openly says she doesn’t fancy her partner.

I’ve no problem being the bad guy or women in this case however.

One of my hard lines or deal breakers is lack of sex / sexual intimacy, unless there are medical reasons and you’re trying to solve it and I’ll help how I can.

But if it’s just nah don’t really fancy sex anymore or cnba to see a doctor then that’s cool but I don’t really fancy being in this relationship anymore.