AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

Your youngest is 19 months old, it's not reasonable to never want sex- but you clearly have lots of other problems that are getting channelled into this one- you need some help.

I don't think I could live with a man like this OP. Well I know I cant because my ex husband was a massive whiny sex pest who didnt do anything at home so the marriage failed.
Weird thing....I dreamt last night he woke me up pestering me for sex as usual and pressing against my leg and I was outraged and disgusted beyond belief. I kicked out and sent the poor cat flying. Bless her she was only trying to snuggle into me. My subconscious thought it was him.
The marriage ended 8 years ago and this episode shows how Im still all this time later psychologically damaged by it.
Sex pestering is abuse.
Yes I did say sorry to the cat and hugged her.

Did you stop reading there?

Did you read the bit about him having MS?

As is often the case, a thread that starts out with one question quickly reveals much deeper problems in the relationship.

FWIW, @Anonymous23458d, I also think you should leave this man.

Click on “see all” - read all of OPs posts.

She also said he can be emotionally abusive and changeful and that he said he didn't want to have sex with her anyway because she's ugly.

she will have healed physically completely, so the issues are psychological, which is why l said in my first post the OP needs to unhitch the issues of no support from the sexual issues.

That's not possible for most people so it was terrible advice, and you also said that she was using it to punish him. Peoples sexual desire towards their partners is often very much linked to how they feel about them and how they are treated, but you want her to 'unhitch' that so to stop having a normal, valid and common reaction to the treatment and to see them separately. How do you propose she do that exactly? Do you think that there's therapists out there that can make her sexually want her husband even when she's being abused? Do you think she could be hypnotised maybe? Or how exactly do you propose that she 'unhitch' the issues of no support from the sexual issues and override her physiology?

The OP has not suggested that she wants to leave DH or that the relationship is at the end of the road, so to be helpful one needs to suggest a plan of action which improves matters not scream abuse

She has said they almost ended the relationship many times in the past few years and she would have left a long time ago except she's afraid of doing it on her own. She's also said she's tried to make it work and can't force it anymore....so it very much has been suggested. You on the other hand are offering 'advice' that isn't realistic in any way.

Abusive how?- he claims he has been trapped in a sexless marriage- it's a point of view, not a very balanced one perhaps- but it's not abusive.
He's no husband of the year, not being supportive is selfish, but it's not abusive. There are far too many posters on MN jumping up and down to claim abuse when the husband/partner is just lazy,selfish or wrongheaded- it's not great but it is not abuse. The OP has had 19 months, over a year and a half to recover from a traumatic birth, she won't be getting any better, she will have healed physically completely, so the issues are psychological, which is why l said in my first post the OP needs to unhitch the issues of no support from the sexual issues. The OP has not suggested that she wants to leave DH or that the relationship is at the end of the road, so to be helpful one needs to suggest a plan of action which improves matters not scream abuse
(where there is none) and the only advice is to leave.
They need therapy- to discuss with a professional what each side expects and how reality is falling short- they both have legitimate concerns which need negotiating.

o

This man is horrible. Ltb

Funny how they even said that seeing as they didn't see both sides themselves, and seemed to have to suspend all knowledge of people, sex and desire in other to reach their conclusion that the OP was simply using sex to punish her partner.

Why was your first instinct to 'help the man' and not the woman who actually posted here?

OP doesn't get the most basic level of comfort, a partner being nice to her and supportive, but you thought that she should ignore all of that and instead try to 'comfort' him instead.

I see you said later that he is abusive then this is a very different story, but OP may not have elaborated further and then you would have been advising a random abused woman who you don't know to do things to satisfy a man who is horrible to her, saying it's the right thing to do, making out it's selfish to not give him 'comfort' 🤮 and left it at that.

There was already enough detail in the OP to show why OP would find this really difficult to do, because everyone knows (or should know) that when people are treated poorly they often do not want to have sex, they also should know that having sex when you don't want it can be traumatic, but yet you call it selfish not to do so and make out it's wrong, as if it's some kind of moral failing.

There is a lot wrong with being treated like a “Comfort Woman”.

I assume you are ignorant of the term.

What “both sides” is there to see with a man who is abusive to his wife?

Do you abuse your partner too?

ok op... if this is more that he is abusive that is a different story really and you need to think about if you actually want to stay in this relationship at all? Calling you ugly is terrible and very very abusive.

I posted this as a way to help a man who op is committed to feel connected to her and the family.... wow...comfort woman... actually why is that so wrong ? giving comfort and not being entirely selfish in a committed relationship is the right thing to do. It should help the op too... feel less pressure.

If it wasn't that he'd find something else to criticize you for.

Are you afraid of him? or just afraid of being criticized? If it's just the criticism I'd take back your power and stop trying to correct how you speak.
I understand you want your kids to speak correctly but better that they say 'them' rather than have them witnessing a mother walking on eggshells whenever she speaks.

You are being unreasonable to yourself I think.

The only time I have ever completely lost interest in sex in a relationship was when I had actually completely fallen out of love with my boyfriend at the time, and just didn’t want to have sex..with him.

I have a fairly typical sex drive, and my husband and I (3 young children) WANT to have sex twice a week ish. Sometimes more sometimes longer depending on my mood or his mood (mainly mine)

There is a massive difference between being in love with someone and attracted to them and just not quite feeling like it at that time, to not wanting to have sex with them, at all.

Consider this - do you get turned on at all, by a film, or a book or anything. If so - it isn’t your labido.

19 months would be a long recovery period if he was a decent, supportive man but yet some women do take that long even in a good relationship.

There is little chance of recovery if your partner treats you like crap though because they will kill your sexual desire for them, your libido could come roaring back but there could be zero desire to have sex with that person because they're not a safe sex partner.

No it's clearly you, it's 2026 and you're on here saying she's using sex as a punishment and should be able to 'unhitch using sex' to address the problem 🙄

I can see his side, he wants sex and thinks that the OP should still want to have sex regardless of how he treats her, many people feel that way and it's a delusional way of thinking and they tend to find out the hard way. It's never ok to abuse your partner because they don't want sex.

You on the other hand clearly aren't able to see her side at all and have zero understanding of libido and sexual desire, you seem to think sex is just something you should let someone do to you whether you want it or not and that the OP is just consciously choosing to be sexually turned off him. This is a random woman on the internet and you're trying to shame her into having sex she doesn't want by making out she's doing something wrong. If she did agree to sex when she doesn't want it that's also likely to make the whole situation worse and she'd become more averse to sex with him than she already is.

I agree with this too.

You’ll have to speak correctly for him not to mention it though. Tough situation!

I'm about to say them words. It's very hurtful.

those words!

Didn’t your DH realise how you spoke before he married you?

Although, I do understand that it may not have been an issue for him until you had children. I do agree with your DH that your children should be taught to speak correctly. Especially if you want them to do well in school and in securing a professional role in the future. You’ll pick it up too whilst teaching them. Eventually it’ll become natural to you.

My DH says anythink instead of anything and he went to private school! His dad also says this. It drives me potty! I have 1 DC that says ‘anything’ and the other that says ‘anythink!’ I’m constantly correcting.

It's normal not to want sex PP but 19 months is a long recovery period.It is you who has no emotional intelligence not being able to see it from both sides TBH.

Absolutely linked. Are you a man?