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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to leave London for a better family life?

64 replies

starstar84 · 06/04/2026 18:10

WWYD: Stay in London in an area I don’t feel safe in, or move out for quality of life?
Looking for some perspective as I feel quite torn.

Currently living in London in an area we could afford, but it’s not somewhere I enjoy living. Realistically, our max budget only gets us a small 1–2 bed here, and the surrounding area feels quite rough. There are frequent stabbings reported locally, open drug dealing isn’t uncommon, and I often feel on edge walking around or using public transport (crowded buses, quite aggressive/rude atmosphere at times).

I grew up in a similar kind of area and always assumed I’d “move on” from that as an adult, so I’m struggling with the idea of raising my daughter in the same sort of environment.
Day-to-day life also just feels quite bleak. There’s very little in our immediate area — one coffee shop, one half-decent restaurant — and we usually have to travel elsewhere to do anything nice at weekends. We live next to an ugly retail park, a big busy road, and there’s no real green space nearby. I’ve found maternity leave quite isolating as a result, as I’ve had to get on public transport just to get somewhere pleasant.

We’re considering moving to Tunbridge Wells (or nearby) where our budget would go much further — likely a 3-bed house with a garden, access to green space, nicer high street, and a generally calmer environment. It felt very different when we visited — people seemed more relaxed and friendly (even small things like people smiling at my baby, which almost never happens where I am now).
Financially, it also feels like better value. I worked hard for years to save our deposit with no help from family, and I do sometimes find myself thinking… is this really it?
Other factors:

  • No real family support where we are currently, so we wouldn’t be losing that
  • Commute would be manageable (not every day)
  • Partner currently earns less but is doing a degree and aiming to move into a higher-paid role — so timing would need to align with that
The main thing holding me back is that I’ve made some genuinely lovely friends during maternity leave who I’d be sad to leave. Also, I grew up in London so feel sad to be further from family. I feel TW is a good compromise tho as fairly easy still to get to them - essentially the same time driving.

When I’ve discussed moving with friends, most have discouraged it — but I’m conscious they’re coming from a very different context (living in much leafier, expensive parts of London), which doesn’t really reflect our day-to-day experience.

I suppose my questions are:

  • WWYD in this situation?
  • Is it worth leaving a social circle for a better daily environment?
  • How easy is it to build a new network in places like Tunbridge Wells with a baby?
  • And am I over-romanticising life outside London?
Would really appreciate honest views, especially from anyone who’s made a similar move.

Yabu - stay in London
yanbu - move to tw

OP posts:
Unwellandupset · 06/04/2026 22:30

I honestly never thought I would ever leave London, but we moved out to the Kent coast when our eldest was 2 and didn’t look back! Best decision ever, it’s been great making loads of new friends and slower paced life by the sea is really wonderful. And going into London now is really fun, but no way could I imagine living there with children!

Thechaseison71 · 06/04/2026 22:25

Hhhwgroadk · 06/04/2026 20:12

I grew up in and around TW. My London parents resided in London (WWII) but TW was where their hearts and friends were. When I married in the 1970s DH would not move there as there was no aircraft industry for his work. I could have found work.

So glad we didn't go. It has become very snobby, lots of Londoners who don't integrate but only commute . Lots of suburbs around London are the same now, so no community contribution.

We now live in Somerset (not Bristol/Bath) and it has a real community. No commuters, so lots going on, because people are not working away from the towns and actually have time to contribute not just money.

Unfortunately where I live has lots of incoming Londoners who don't get involved in local life. They just come to live in a cheaper area and get their kids educated here but just " take" rather than contributing all the while pushing house prices up so our kids have no chance

canuckup · 06/04/2026 22:19

No brainer really op

Totalinsanity · 06/04/2026 22:15

I was going to say it depends where you want to move to…. But Tonbridge Wells?!…. If you can afford to buy what you want, do it! I’m not local but have only heard good things. We moved properly rural which is a different concept altogether!

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 06/04/2026 21:39

From what you explain, I’d be keen to move. TW is better for family life.

Helpmefindmysoul · 06/04/2026 21:36

Why is it stay or leave in these posts?
I’m not from London - moved less than 10 years ago, granted on the outskirts but I wouldn’t move. We’re on Elizabeth line, our borough is very green and we have great motorway links to north and south. We have a garden / driveway , decent schools. We have access to plenty of activities for the kids both minimally priced and more if budget permits. When they grow up there will be more opportunities for apprenticeships etc. Okay I'm biased as I’ve always loved London but there’s so much about the city that’s amazing. The culture, history, architecture. I never want to leave.. never felt so at home.
We also have no support , just the 4 of us in this city and we love it!

EnidSpyton · 06/04/2026 21:28

Most of my family live in TW and the surrounding area so I visit often. It's a lovely town. The historic, Georgian Pantiles end is full of independent shops and really good quality restaurants and bars. There's loads of live music venues (jazz on the Pantiles in the summer is wonderful), an independent cinema, a theatre, a newly renovated library and museum etc - all of which do activities for kids and groups for parents and babies during the week. There is a very strong sense of community and always stuff going on. I think it's a wonderful place to live and bring up a family. You're also on the doorstep of gorgeous countryside and in less than an hour you can be at the coast.

I was born and raised in London and still live here, but I can afford to live in zone 1 and I make the most of everything London has to offer. If I couldn't live where I do and I had no enjoyment in London's cultural scene, then I would absolutely without question move out to Kent. It's a beautiful county with so much to offer and you would have a much better quality of life.

TW and its neighbouring town, Tonbridge (which isn't as nice) are also the main hub towns for the secondary schools in the West Kent area, so loads of people move out to this part of Kent from London when they have young children for schooling. That means there are plenty of people your age with young kids to make friends with, who will also be new to the area and keen to form a community. As your child gets older, with this area being so heavily populated with secondary schools, it's also good to know that it's a great place for teenagers - the public transport is excellent from the surrounding villages into TW, so they can be independent (no need for you to be a taxi!), and the shops and restaurants etc in Tunbridge Wells have loads to offer them at the weekends.

There are two things for you to be mindful about, however.

Firstly, for secondary schools, you would be in a grammar school area. That comes with its own issues. If your child passes, they have excellent schools available. If they don't - the choices are more limited. All I will say is there is a reason why there are so many flourishing private schools in the area despite there being several excellent state grammar schools.

Secondly, commuting can be pretty unpleasant, and it's expensive, especially if you also need to drive and park at the station. The trains are busy, you'll often not get a seat, and if there are delays or engineering works - which there often are - you can have a very long and inconvenient journey to London. So if you have to get to London every day, you need to factor that in. If you are only going in once a week, then it's not an issue. Just something to be aware of.

Given what you've said, however, on balance I think it would be an excellent move for you.

lilyflower1803 · 06/04/2026 21:09

starstar84 · 06/04/2026 21:02

This is very good intel, thank you. I’d be comfy with her taking the 11 plus if she seemed academically inclined. I was so hoping she follows in those footsteps..

Show quote history

I went to the local grammar school! It worked really well for my sister (academic) but I didn’t like it at the time (more arty and creatively inclined). Looking back though it sent me up really well academically for university etc and was beneficial to have that experience.

Talkinpeace · 06/04/2026 21:08

Farnborough
Liphook
Reading

Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 21:06

Stopandlook · 06/04/2026 19:32

Absolute no-brainer. You’ll make new friends and can still meet up with your current ones. I’d only live in London with kids if I could afford to live somewhere like Hampstead Heath (dream on!)

I know, right! My friends who love it are living in £1.5 million houses. It’s very different in that case! I worked out today that we are living well below the recommended amount of square metre per person to feel a sense of wellbeing, which makes sense - everything just feels so cramped and I dream of leaving all the time.

It’s sad as I actually earn a really good salary, probably top 1%, but I got on the housing ladder later and have had no family help and will inherit nothing when parents go. Everyone I know that is in a great position got big chunks from their parents early on and know they will be inheriting large amounts.

I’m also trying to save enough pension at the same time as pay a large mortgage. Wish I’d been on the 2006-2015 housing boom but no point crying over spilled milk! first world problems and all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 21:02

lilyflower1803 · 06/04/2026 19:28

I grew up in TW, could not handle living in London if I tried now! Only visit on the occasional day out, have now moved even further into the country to a smaller town. TW is a really good happy medium and lots of our weekends are spent there at the shops or the park. Traffic is a nightmare though and the council are abysmal. Great choice of primary schools, and a mix of grammar and state schools, but only one of the state schools in twells is not a faith school so to get into the others you have to be of a faith so schools are tricky to get into in TW as you either have to do the 11+ or be of faith to get into the schools bar one or you commute out to Tonbridge. Tonbridge could be an option for you too? Very good transport links and good schools too, a much busier and productive high street compared to twells. Many of the primary schools are faith schools but take of any/no religion and lots of lovely surrounding villages too.

This is very good intel, thank you. I’d be comfy with her taking the 11 plus if she seemed academically inclined. I was so hoping she follows in those footsteps..

OP posts:
Newthreadnewme11 · 06/04/2026 20:57

I’ve got primary school aged chikdren and live in a nice part of London. Definitely make the move. Best to do it before your child is in Reception as you’ll probably make a good few friends and acquaintances that way and people can be more open to new friends when the children start reception as it’s a new beginning for everyone

Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 20:53

Ireolu · 06/04/2026 20:51

We all go through stages in life and around 9/10 yrs ago with DC was a baby, it wouldn't have appealed either. However taking them on a BM explorer trail today was great (&free) and they are already planning their next trip. It sounds like you have your mind made up regardless. Goodluck.

Show quote history

Agreed there is so much to do with kids in London and that is a factor in being unsure. Hence thinking buzzy town with access to London would work better as a balance

OP posts:
Ireolu · 06/04/2026 20:51

starstar84 · 06/04/2026 20:24

Thank you. You know, the idea of going into central London to see a gallery just doesn’t appeal to me as a perk anymore. I only do it very occasionally. And the idea of Trafalgar Square and the tube - just no.

I’ve actually lived on train lines for the past 15 years as I haven’t been able to hack the tube at rush hour since I was in my 20s.

i think I’m answering my question here, aren’t I!

budget £500-550k max, but want three beds at least and really decent garden. And I’m also quite bored of just Parks. I like the idea of being within reaching distance of proper countryside, which it felt like tw reached the criteria for. We’d live more on the outskirts and have found an area that looks ideal.

Show quote history

We all go through stages in life and around 9/10 yrs ago with DC was a baby, it wouldn't have appealed either. However taking them on a BM explorer trail today was great (&free) and they are already planning their next trip. It sounds like you have your mind made up regardless. Goodluck.

Yuja · 06/04/2026 20:51

Tunbridge Wells is lovely and reading your post I think it’s a no brainer! I made some nice friends on mat leave through a baby group (13 year ago now!) - in that time several have moved away, and the rest drifted apart when all our DC went to different nurseries/schools and we went back to work or had more DC. You will make new friends for sure go

Weirdconditionaltense · 06/04/2026 20:45

I'd move out. London wouldn't suit me

InterviewGhost · 06/04/2026 20:42

Hi OP. I was born and raised in London and had my two children whilst living in zone 2/3. Most of our friends moved out further for bigger houses, more space, before we got to primary school years.
I moved to Hampshire about a decade ago and I’ve never, ever looked back. The situation you describe is a total no brainer.

ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit · 06/04/2026 20:36

I’d move if I were you. We moved to a nicer part of London when we started our family for more green spaces and access to better schools. I think you’ll find it easy to make friends once your dd starts local nursery and school, at least that’s been my experience.

drippingsap · 06/04/2026 20:34

Maybe look at the Epsom/London borders with that budget although i’m not current with prices.

CarolCave · 06/04/2026 20:32

Do it. Rent for a year if you are really uncertain. I too had wonderful friends I was very attached to and almost distraught to leave behind but fairly quickly made new, also wonderful friends.

HappyAsASandboy · 06/04/2026 20:29

If they’re real friends you’ll keep them even if you move, and if you move you’ll make new friends anyway.

You need to feel safe where you live.

I would choose Tunbridge Wells over most parts of London any day. I don’t live in London precisely because I can’t afford to live in one of the few (very expensive) areas of London I would want to bring them up.

I loved living in London before kids, and I’d love to live there again after kids, but I wouldn’t want to raise my kids in London.

Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 20:24

Ireolu · 06/04/2026 20:05

Tell us general area you live in now, your budget and people may be able to suggest areas you can afford.

We lived in Essex for 8 yrs and moved back to London in 2016. We live in North london in an area where you can get a 3 bed with garden for a reasonable amount. We were FTBs in 2019 so not that long ago.

We went to the national portrait gallery last Thursday and the British museum today. Both journeys took 30 mins as parked by the station. We have had a great variety of food in the last week too because of where we live. We would not consider living elsewhere. If you can afford TW I reckon you could afford around these parts.

Thank you. You know, the idea of going into central London to see a gallery just doesn’t appeal to me as a perk anymore. I only do it very occasionally. And the idea of Trafalgar Square and the tube - just no.

I’ve actually lived on train lines for the past 15 years as I haven’t been able to hack the tube at rush hour since I was in my 20s.

i think I’m answering my question here, aren’t I!

budget £500-550k max, but want three beds at least and really decent garden. And I’m also quite bored of just Parks. I like the idea of being within reaching distance of proper countryside, which it felt like tw reached the criteria for. We’d live more on the outskirts and have found an area that looks ideal.

OP posts:
Hhhwgroadk · 06/04/2026 20:17

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/04/2026 18:20

Not quite the same but we moved from a 2 bed flat nearer the centre of London to a house in a leafy suburb in Zone 3 when our DC were primary school age.

No regrets at all. The space and having a garden made a huge difference as they got older.
Living somewhere where the DC could walk home from school and go to the park with friends was a real plus.
Once my DC went to schools many of my parent friends were from the school anyway.

I would really explore where you are planning to move to. You need to see if the reality matches your expectations. Look at schools and childcare. Is TW a grammar school area? Will your DC have to do the 11+?

What is public transport like?
Will you have to drive them everywhere as they get older?

Good luck

TW and surrounding areas a nightmare for traffic and public transport, along with the TW council.

Hhhwgroadk · 06/04/2026 20:12

I grew up in and around TW. My London parents resided in London (WWII) but TW was where their hearts and friends were. When I married in the 1970s DH would not move there as there was no aircraft industry for his work. I could have found work.

So glad we didn't go. It has become very snobby, lots of Londoners who don't integrate but only commute . Lots of suburbs around London are the same now, so no community contribution.

We now live in Somerset (not Bristol/Bath) and it has a real community. No commuters, so lots going on, because people are not working away from the towns and actually have time to contribute not just money.

Covingcrisis · 06/04/2026 20:09

To be honest I’ve never understood the appeal of London for a family so probably biased but I would 100% move especially if it means you can afford a bigger property and a garden. You don’t want to worry about crime and your children witnessing unpleasant things. Green space and lots of time outside is so special with young children. I have family in Tunbridge Wells who love it. Nice and easy to pop in to London if you want to and visit etc. it doesn’t sound like you’re really getting the benefit of living there where you are now, no brainer to me!

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