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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to leave London for a better family life?

64 replies

starstar84 · 06/04/2026 18:10

WWYD: Stay in London in an area I don’t feel safe in, or move out for quality of life?
Looking for some perspective as I feel quite torn.

Currently living in London in an area we could afford, but it’s not somewhere I enjoy living. Realistically, our max budget only gets us a small 1–2 bed here, and the surrounding area feels quite rough. There are frequent stabbings reported locally, open drug dealing isn’t uncommon, and I often feel on edge walking around or using public transport (crowded buses, quite aggressive/rude atmosphere at times).

I grew up in a similar kind of area and always assumed I’d “move on” from that as an adult, so I’m struggling with the idea of raising my daughter in the same sort of environment.
Day-to-day life also just feels quite bleak. There’s very little in our immediate area — one coffee shop, one half-decent restaurant — and we usually have to travel elsewhere to do anything nice at weekends. We live next to an ugly retail park, a big busy road, and there’s no real green space nearby. I’ve found maternity leave quite isolating as a result, as I’ve had to get on public transport just to get somewhere pleasant.

We’re considering moving to Tunbridge Wells (or nearby) where our budget would go much further — likely a 3-bed house with a garden, access to green space, nicer high street, and a generally calmer environment. It felt very different when we visited — people seemed more relaxed and friendly (even small things like people smiling at my baby, which almost never happens where I am now).
Financially, it also feels like better value. I worked hard for years to save our deposit with no help from family, and I do sometimes find myself thinking… is this really it?
Other factors:

  • No real family support where we are currently, so we wouldn’t be losing that
  • Commute would be manageable (not every day)
  • Partner currently earns less but is doing a degree and aiming to move into a higher-paid role — so timing would need to align with that
The main thing holding me back is that I’ve made some genuinely lovely friends during maternity leave who I’d be sad to leave. Also, I grew up in London so feel sad to be further from family. I feel TW is a good compromise tho as fairly easy still to get to them - essentially the same time driving.

When I’ve discussed moving with friends, most have discouraged it — but I’m conscious they’re coming from a very different context (living in much leafier, expensive parts of London), which doesn’t really reflect our day-to-day experience.

I suppose my questions are:

  • WWYD in this situation?
  • Is it worth leaving a social circle for a better daily environment?
  • How easy is it to build a new network in places like Tunbridge Wells with a baby?
  • And am I over-romanticising life outside London?
Would really appreciate honest views, especially from anyone who’s made a similar move.

Yabu - stay in London
yanbu - move to tw

OP posts:
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BreakingBroken · 04/08/2026 11:19

@IJustMight you posted on the wrong thread.

IJustMight · 04/08/2026 10:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Tuncro · 22/07/2026 22:43

We brought up our children in TW and have zero regrets. Great primary and secondary schools ,safe when they were teenagers going out in TW ,lots of sports club ,my two sons both played at TWRC and they have friends who still play there as adults and commute from London. The countryside right on your doorstep,great parks, TW and Rusthall Common ,High Rocks and Eridge Rocks for climbing,Dunorlan Park ,Calverley Park,ice rink at Christmas,shops at top of town and down in the high street.
Lovely villages within walking distance or short bus trip. Speldhurst,Langton Green ,Rusthall ,Groombridge,Fordcombe . Only drawback can be traffic when roadworks are simultaneously started everywhere! Crowborough is close by and good for even more choices of supermarkets and Ashdown Forest.
Gatwick airport less than 1hr and London about an hour commute.

BobbieTables · 29/06/2026 22:26

I love London and have raised my kids here but in your circumstances I'd move out. As others have said your mates may well all move too. I don't know what Tunbridge wells is like so can't advise on that.

Yellowchair1 · 29/06/2026 22:21

I think if I was you I would look at a nice area of zone 4 /5, if you still need to commute. I moved out of London in 2021 and I find the commute a bit of a pain now we are expected to be in the office more. Though I have a wonderful house for a similar budget as you, lots of family support and live in a nice safe friendly neighborhood. It's such a tough decision but sounds like you would regret it if you don't move to TW. Just mske sure you are close to station for commuting and seeing friends

BIossomtoes · 08/04/2026 10:41

Suzylola22 · 06/04/2026 19:58

Cambridgeshire is a lovely county. Its only an hour and a half from London but house prices are a lot cheaper and the pace of life much slower. We have friendly neighbours and a good community spirit.

Some parts are less than that. I can be in London in less than an hour from where I live in North Cambs.

Soverymuchfruit · 08/04/2026 10:37

Do your research in TW and find an area full of families. When you get there, talk to neighbours and get on the local whatsapp. Lots of people move to this sort of place at this point in their lives and are also looking to make friends. It'll be great.

franklymydearscarlett · 07/04/2026 11:24

Sounds like a no brainer to me. We moved from zone 2 (albeit a very nice area so it was actually quite a wrench to leave it) to the suburbs to be near family. Haven’t regretted it at all. DC were pre school age and we made lots of local friends when they started school. I love the area we live in and having a driveway 😂 Didn’t stay in touch with NCT friends from the old area sadly.
we did make sure to buy somewhere near public transport.

drippingsap · 07/04/2026 11:23

🙄

Thechaseison71 · 07/04/2026 11:13

drippingsap · 07/04/2026 10:52

Well then you have nothing to worry about as the vast majority of people priced out of London aren’t looking to turn their new location into another London!

Doesn't stop them moaning about farm smells and lack of pavement as well as wanting fancy wine bars here

MimiGC · 07/04/2026 11:09

In your shoes, I would definitely move, whether it’s to TW or elsewhere. Have you considered the Kent coast? There are some nice places with good train links into London. In any event, do not stay just to be close to friends. They might move, then you’d be kicking yourself that you’d stayed for them.

DatWan · 07/04/2026 11:08

Another die-hard Londoner here who says ‘go for it’.

Your reasons are sound. And Tunbridge Wells is a well resourced town and sensible option for a family, so it’s not like you’ve got some pie in the sky notion of a rural idyllic life.

I honestly wouldn’t give maternity leave friends a thought in this decision You’ll stay on touch if it’s meant to be, but the baby years are a short period - you have years and years of school life, kids clubs and classes etc ahead - and many opportunities to build new friendships.

drippingsap · 07/04/2026 10:52

Well then you have nothing to worry about as the vast majority of people priced out of London aren’t looking to turn their new location into another London!

Thechaseison71 · 07/04/2026 10:39

drippingsap · 07/04/2026 10:00

And if they are priced out why is it then ok to do the same to local people bunging house prices up.

What a load of nonsense! Where do you expect people priced out of London to go @Thechaseison71

I have no problem with them coming here IF they Integrate and don't try and turn a country town into London mark 2. Where are our kids supposed to do if you look at it like that?

PersephonePomegranate · 07/04/2026 10:04

We did this - best move ever.

I don't think the suburbs would be for me if I didn't have DC, but I find it the perfect balance for family life and proximity to London.

drippingsap · 07/04/2026 10:00

And if they are priced out why is it then ok to do the same to local people bunging house prices up.

What a load of nonsense! Where do you expect people priced out of London to go @Thechaseison71

MrThorpeHazell · 07/04/2026 09:43

Move. It's a no-brainer. We did, (from South London a part that's now been gentrified beyond belief!) but never regretted it.

Thechaseison71 · 07/04/2026 08:24

drippingsap · 06/04/2026 22:53

@Thechaseison71 perhaps they are time poor? Also many of them will be Londoners priced out of their areas, I certainly can’t afford to live in the part I was raised in.

They will have no less time than the locals. And if they are priced out why is it then ok to do the same to local people bunging house prices up.? Some of them are from crappy parts of london and try and drag the town down to their level ( had some ersneob moaning on a FB we are snobs as apparently it is ok to just drop rubbish in dagenham and others work, socialize in London, come back to sleep and contribute nothing to our town yet their kids use the schools, clubs, sports facilities etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/04/2026 23:39

I think you might like these areas: Sutton/carshalton, Regate, high wycombe, Guildford, Leatherhead.

I love living in London, I live in an area where I feel safe, great choice of nurseries, every day off with my toddler (I work pt) we are spoilt with choice of if we go to the theatre, a boat ride, historic palace, soft plays, museums, kew gardens, the zoo etc. I also love that on my rare nights out I can just uber home immediately I don’t have to worry about catching the last train etc, and if there is a tube strike I can still cycle to work. The only thing I don’t like is I don’t have a kitchen with an island and bifold doors opening into a huge garden but I think if I moved somewhere I was isolated to get that then I would be living in a pretty prison. But if you have a great partner which I don’t things maybe diffenet for you!
I couldn’t live in an area of London that I didn’t feel safe in though!

beasmithwentworth · 06/04/2026 23:10

I think (I appreciate some may disagree) that where you feel most comfortable living is from the people you meet. Yes good schools/ parks/ nature are important but your day to day life is largely around the community. Given what you have said I would move and try and find that. I’m from the midlands and have lived in my neighbourhood (SE London zone 2 ) for 25 years and I can’t imagine anywhere else feeling more like home that where I am. It’s not perfect and of course there are more beautiful places to live on paper but that’s not my priority.

I don’t think TW would be a good move for me if I considered moving. I am possibly unfairly judging this on my university friend who moved there around 15 years ago and was very accepting of anyone and anything then but now lives in a very judgmental TW bubble that’s not diverse which is another reason I love where I live) (sorry for anyone that lives in TW. I appreciate everyone that lives there isn’t the same)

drippingsap · 06/04/2026 22:53

@Thechaseison71 perhaps they are time poor? Also many of them will be Londoners priced out of their areas, I certainly can’t afford to live in the part I was raised in.

user59834554 · 06/04/2026 22:49

I've loved raising kids in London, but our life here is different to what yours sounds like.

Have you looked at what your budget would get you in TW and are you happy with it? I think one thing I would caution against is ending up in a situation where you're reliant on a car to get everywhere. The people I know who have struggled when they've moved out of London are the ones would moved to a place where nothing is walkable.

Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 22:32

EnidSpyton · 06/04/2026 21:28

Most of my family live in TW and the surrounding area so I visit often. It's a lovely town. The historic, Georgian Pantiles end is full of independent shops and really good quality restaurants and bars. There's loads of live music venues (jazz on the Pantiles in the summer is wonderful), an independent cinema, a theatre, a newly renovated library and museum etc - all of which do activities for kids and groups for parents and babies during the week. There is a very strong sense of community and always stuff going on. I think it's a wonderful place to live and bring up a family. You're also on the doorstep of gorgeous countryside and in less than an hour you can be at the coast.

I was born and raised in London and still live here, but I can afford to live in zone 1 and I make the most of everything London has to offer. If I couldn't live where I do and I had no enjoyment in London's cultural scene, then I would absolutely without question move out to Kent. It's a beautiful county with so much to offer and you would have a much better quality of life.

TW and its neighbouring town, Tonbridge (which isn't as nice) are also the main hub towns for the secondary schools in the West Kent area, so loads of people move out to this part of Kent from London when they have young children for schooling. That means there are plenty of people your age with young kids to make friends with, who will also be new to the area and keen to form a community. As your child gets older, with this area being so heavily populated with secondary schools, it's also good to know that it's a great place for teenagers - the public transport is excellent from the surrounding villages into TW, so they can be independent (no need for you to be a taxi!), and the shops and restaurants etc in Tunbridge Wells have loads to offer them at the weekends.

There are two things for you to be mindful about, however.

Firstly, for secondary schools, you would be in a grammar school area. That comes with its own issues. If your child passes, they have excellent schools available. If they don't - the choices are more limited. All I will say is there is a reason why there are so many flourishing private schools in the area despite there being several excellent state grammar schools.

Secondly, commuting can be pretty unpleasant, and it's expensive, especially if you also need to drive and park at the station. The trains are busy, you'll often not get a seat, and if there are delays or engineering works - which there often are - you can have a very long and inconvenient journey to London. So if you have to get to London every day, you need to factor that in. If you are only going in once a week, then it's not an issue. Just something to be aware of.

Given what you've said, however, on balance I think it would be an excellent move for you.

You’ve summed up brilliantly what I had surmised from a visit, I couldn’t believe how polite the teenagers were also! Thank you - very reassuring.

OP posts:
Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 22:31

Unwellandupset · 06/04/2026 22:30

I honestly never thought I would ever leave London, but we moved out to the Kent coast when our eldest was 2 and didn’t look back! Best decision ever, it’s been great making loads of new friends and slower paced life by the sea is really wonderful. And going into London now is really fun, but no way could I imagine living there with children!

Reassuring! Deal, by any chance? We still need to visit…

OP posts:
Original poster
starstar84 · 06/04/2026 22:30

Thechaseison71 · 06/04/2026 22:25

Unfortunately where I live has lots of incoming Londoners who don't get involved in local life. They just come to live in a cheaper area and get their kids educated here but just " take" rather than contributing all the while pushing house prices up so our kids have no chance

Show quote history

I can assure you I won’t be in that category. I am a big community organiser and am looking for somewhere I can grow a close network of friends. From all walks of life!

OP posts: