AIBU to feel hurt that my DH is treated differently to BIL?

But then you’d have an answer. I would try using that answer back at her somehow when she asks if your husband will go and do all their garden jobs!

Surely family is only important if all the members of the family treat each other kindly and fairly.

Why on earth do you think it's OK for your parents to reap the benefits of having a kind and helpful son-in law when they are the opposite of kind and welcoming to your DH?

I couldn't stand by while they absolutely take the piss by making him do the jobs in the house/garden that they don't want to do or can't physically do while they never ask their other SIL to help them out yet treat him like a valued and important member of the family.

They are your parents and you need to put your foot down and tell them that your DH won't be doing any more jobs for them.

No, it doesn’t work like this.
Your mum behaved really disrespectfully and mean towards your DH so I wouldn’t be too nice to her. Help in a real emergency - I would consider but not the lawn moving.
call her and tell that actually you’re very upset how she treated your DH so him coming to do lawn wouldn’t be appropriate. Tell her that it’s your decision. And suggest to call BIL.

And? So what if she does? The conversation then moves on to other cards and gifts etc.

It isn’t difficult to raise at all. But if OP isn’t going to raise it, seems pointless to complain about it.

I get where you are coming from and it makes it really tricky to raise as she will spin it as you being petty over an Easter egg

Do you want the situation to carry on? Dogsbody DH, mowing someone’s lawn for free and not being treated fairly? Unless you say something, that’s what will happen.

Or do you have some respect for him and want him to be treated fairly?

Would he be okay with you doing his parents cleaning for years while knowing his SIL is given presents?

At the very very least tell him about the egg conversation. Let him know about how he is treated compared to their other son in law.

Your mom's a user.

She counts on you not saying boo when she's playing favorites.

I'd be straight with her.

Why should DH come and do services for you and you do nothing in return and you treat him as less than sister's husband. I'm going to tell DH not to do favours for you any more. You're being unfair and playing favourites and we're out. "

Is there a Golden child dynamic with you and your mom and your sister?

Sounds like you are starting to wake up. Nice people should be careful to be kind to themselves as well as other people. That would include not allowing yourselves to be treated as lesser by the people who you are helping.

The problem with this approach is that your feeling will just fester, and her behaviour towards your DH will become normalised……
Then eventually you snap, and everyone thinks you’re unreasonable.
Nip it in the bud now!
Just say. “ I know this might sound silly to you but….. and this is how long term resentment builds…..”

It doesn’t seem a nice thing to do. I treat all my kids the same, my adult kids and their partners. I think you need to ask her why she’s doing it and that you find it hurtful.

Stop being available, stop lavishing her with gifts, tell your dh to stop running over to mow the lawn like a skivvy. Just stop. They sound like users and horrible people.

What the fuck. No more mowing the lawn. Of course you should point out the unfairness!

I agree with this, and also @DemonsRocks point about the golden child dynamic - I've seen it myself.

I'd pull back, no more favours for them when they snub your DH like that. Infuriating.

How bizarre! My parents treat myself and my hubs and my sibling and his partner the same.
can you talk to your mum and ask her? There may be a reason behind her strange behaviour

If you don’t say anything, you are condoning her behaviour.

How about, ‘mum, why do you buy for Sarah’s husband and not Dave? Don’t you think that’s rude considering you’re expecting him to come round and do your gardening?!’

and see what she says

See id pull her on it personally. My mum was the opposite with us - she sent Xmas presents to my husband, my kids but nothing for me - my husband went ballistic and said tell her I dont want her to send me anything if she cant be bothered to shop for her own daughter.

Family is important but not to the detriment of your dh who is more important than your parents surely.

You need to stop accepting being treated as mugs.

Then the resentment will fade.

Absolutely agree with this.

It’s the point at which she just had to show you the Easter egg she’d brought them.

I mean it’s a bit of chocolate made into an egg shape. The point seems to be to show you she’s bright them both one - and I wonder if it’s because she knows you’ll keep doing stuff for them for approval of they keep you at bay?

Maybe your sister and BIL are different with them and the need to buy them stuff to keep them onside?

Sounds like your sister is the golden child, therefore her husband is the golden son in law.

Your mother is gaslighting you. Toxic dynamics. I'd back off totally.

If you are not prepared to raise the issue there's no point moaning about it as it won't change.

Then you stand up for your DH by not letting him do jobs for them anymore until they treat him a bit more appreciatively.

The point is her behaviour towards your partner is unacceptable. If she laughs it off-fine, you tell her more firmly unless she starts behaving then you and he will pull back- and you do it.

She will laugh it off because she is a bully and has no respect for either of you. Start having some respect for yourselves.

I'm not an expert in these things but that sounds like a really toxic, passive aggressive dynamic. It's deliberate- don't doubt it. If it was accidental she would have tried to cover up the Easter Egg SNAFU- she didn't, she wants you to know what she's done.

Get some therapy about your childhood and then decide how you want to reset the relationship with your parents.