AIBU to feel hurt that my DH is treated differently to BIL?

Op it’s not petty your dm is though she obviously picked her favourite dc this always shows in the relationship with in laws. I think you need to say how come my dh is good enough to help you out but not good enough for a birthday card or egg like bil. Your hurt for your dh which is understandable your relationship with your dm shows by the way she treats you both. Good enough for jobs but not anything else. I would be pissed if and sad how she treats you both like doormats.

Just tell her that either she treats her sons in law the same, or she asks shiny new son in law to do all the things and leave your DH alone?

And your DH needs to say "no" - no reason, no excuse, just no. Or "no, i don't want to do that"

What is the worst that could happen?

You're not being petty. I would be pissed off about it too.

Actually it is for you to make sure that your mum is treating your partner fairly and respectfully. He wouldn’t have relationship with her without being your partner. So put your big girls pants on , tell your DH not to move her lawn and tell your mum that if she wants favours from your family she has to behave accordingly. Tell her this calmly, politely but in no negotiating way. And then ball will be in her court.

Surely you can speak to your mum on her own as you are bothered about the unfair difference in treatment of your DH and your BIL which is why you posted. Ask her why she buys stuff for your BIL but not for your DH when he is so kind and helpful to them.

Your DH sounds lovely and easy going and wouldn't want to make a fuss. I still think you need to stick up for him, even if he isn't that bothered. Not saying anything just reinforces your mum and dad's opinion that they can demand free labour from your DH without any gestures of gratitude. They sounds really rude tbh.

That's rubbish for your husband and you. I don't understand what goes through people's minds sometimes. I've been in that awkward spot before, when in laws tell me they took other grandchildren to do certain things (out for a meal, get their nails done, or for a haircut, or even on a mini break), or bought them nice trainers/clothes, when they don't do that for my kids...it feels horrible and I normally just change the subject, but I honestly don't get why they'd even mention it....

^^ yes that’s the truth

you need to realise you are not the favoured one your sister is - you and also your DH are just there to do tasks for her

She was horrible to you and by extension she's jow horrible to your dh. I wouldn't be rushing to help her out in your shoes.

Absolutely this.

If they struggle to do their garden they need to pay a Gardner. Not your DH job. This is what we save for. To buy in help as we age and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to be free of these burdens.
I wouldn’t be doing it again.

as spouse I doubt he will say anything. The way your parents are treating him compared to their other SIL is horrible and as the DD the responsibility I believe lies with you to rectify this.
it may well be a tough conversation but surely your DP is worth it? The longer you leave it the more normal this behaviour will become.

Next time suggest she asks bil to be her errand boy..

I'm getting old now and have so few fucks to give I just don't handle people who do these kinds of things well anymore.

-Your parents weren't very kind to you when you were younger. Okay you forgave that and made the effort to be a good daughter, good on you.
-Your parents feel free to rely on you and your H to do favors/labor for them-do they ask BIL to mow the lawn? No? Why I wonder...
-Your mother excludes your H from gifts/little kindnesses she does for others.

What I do now is hold up an imaginary mirror to that shit. You get what you give me, no apologies. I don't keep a list nor expect tit for tat but overall if you use me, you get no more effort from me. If you treat me kindly and with basic decency I reciprocate.

You bought everyone EXCEPT H a nice little gift-cool, your decision.
You need H to come mow your lawn? LMAO nope I'm not even going to entertain that request. I'd pray they ask me why we're refusing so I could explain in detail the obvious preference for BIL and suggest they phone him up right away.

I used to give so much energy to trying to please people and wondering why certain people continued to treat me poorly. Now the only ass I kiss is my bosses and thats only because I need my pay, everyone else gets back whats reflected in the mirror I hold up. However this usually leads to going LC or NC so you need to think on what boundaries you're wanting to draw bc people do not like being reminded of their crappy treatment.

Just ask outright “How come you never get DH anything?” and let it land. It’s just a question, no stirring or projecting.

I think you and your DH need to stop being so available.
Need the lawn mowing, Mother? We’re busy, ask BIL!!

I’d 100% have said something. ‘Hmm mum I think favorite son in law who you get Easter chocolate and birthday cards for can mow your lawn, I’m going to tell dh not to bother I think. The comparison is so rude, I don’t know how you could straight out tell me this is what you’ve got bil knowing you’ve never bothered with my husband.’

Meant to add you’re definitely not being petty and it will fester with you.You’re mother is being very unfair she is doing it because she’s being allowed to get away with it.
Does your dad know how she’s behaving

Yup. Why are you putting up with this? If she wants to behave badly that’s on her. If you are going to put up with it, that’s on you. Just stop it, she can ask golden balls to cut her fkn grass.

It’s horrible having to have a confrontation with someone especially your own mother when you’re someone who doesn’t like confrontation. Also as you’ve posted and said she just laugh and dismiss you.
You say you’re husband isn’t bothered but you are and she is being very disrespectful and hurtful to someone you care for ( I don’t like confrontation but funnily enough I find it easier to stick up for someone else rather than myself I can usually go down the I’m not bothered road)
I would definitely have a strong word with her and if she starts laughing and being dismissive I wouldn’t let it lie there and tell her anymore little jobs need doing she can either pay someone maybe with the money she’s saving on lack of gifts and cards she’s saving on not buying for your husband or else ask her other son in law

Why are you so passive?

You won't ask your mother why she's being so unpleasant. You won't tell your husband to stop doing favours for her.

This. Tbh I also think you are condoning it by saying nothing.

In your shoes I’d be sitting down and telling her straight that she is rude and her actions are hurtful and actually downright nasty - and that if she wants your DH to continue helping her with her lawn etc, she needs to address her behaviour because , as his wife, you will not stand for it.

ETA and no, you’re not being petty to be bothered by it - your mother is being beyond petty for doing it.

It doesn't matter whether it's bothering him, it's bothering you enough that you questioned it to start with, enough that you started this thread - what you need to decide is whether or not it's bothering you enough to do something useful about it (no-one here can give you an answer, you'll just get lots of the same theories you can make up yourself).

If you do decide to question it, you don't need to be rude or unreasonable about it, just firm and clear.

"Mum, I've noticed that you're more than happy to ask DH to come round and do tasks for you, but you don't treat him in the same way that you do BIL. You don't bother with birthday cards or gifts, you don't bother with things like Easter eggs - it feels like you're expecting him to behave like a member of the family without being treated like one and it makes me look forward to visiting less".

If she asks whether he's bothered about it - "I didn't say he was, I said it's bothering me"

If she makes out that you're being petty - "I don't like to see people, especially my husband, treated unfairly"

Fine, carry on being ‘hurt’ about it for the rest of your life then.

Why wouldn't you say something their your parents not someone you barely know