AIBU to be upset with my husband during newborn feeding struggles?

OP I’m so sorry, what was he like pre baby? Let me guess though: lovely as long as his needs were catered to?

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. He's utterly disgusting.

I'd never be able to forgive him.

Your husband is a selfish dick ! Did he want a baby as it doesn’t sound like he did !

also don’t put too much pressure on yourself to breastfeed . A bottle never did any baby any harm .

I had such a hard time breastfeeding my now 10 month old at the beginning, also post c section and he had a tongue tie. Just to add to what other posters have said my husband did all cooking/cleaning, we split nappies and he looked after baby from 9-12pm and 6-8am even after he was back at work so I could get a bit of uninterrupted rest (baby had bad reflux so basically only slept being held upright). Honestly his support is the only reason I managed to carry on breastfeeding.

Do you think a serious discussion about how badly he is failing his duty as a husband and father could shock him into getting his act together? Do you think he realises how badly he is damaging your relationship going forward?

These early weeks are so challenging, I was such an emotional wreck due to stress/tiredness/hormones/pain from section but, at least in our case, it got so much better from about 3 months and now we both have so much more freedom. I don’t know if it would help to tell your husband this as I know mine struggled with how intense it was to begin with. Do you think some of your husbands behaviour could be because he feels overwhelmed? (Still inexcusable to abandon you when you most need him)

we also got a lactation consultant who was really helpful. Anyway just to say your post made me feel for you so much, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job in really difficult circumstances.

Same! Well my mum wasn’t abusive, but died when I was 8 months pregnant. I always smart a bit when people say “just go to your mums” or “ask her for help”. If only!

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I had a hideous time getting DS1 to latch and it was so hard BUT my DH was amazing and did absolutely everything else whilst I just fed and went to see lactation experts etc.

Do you have a Home Start branch near you? I'd be looking to see whether you could get someone to support you once your 'D' H goes back to work so you can concentrate on recovering, bonding and feeding....he should at the very least be cooking, cleaning and changing nappies...!

Shore yourself up in bed with your baby (look up safe cosleeping) a water bottle, some snacks and your phone charger. Spend the whole doing skin to skin.

Absolutely agree with getting a lactation consultant ideally to do a home visit.

Your husband should be doing all the housework + feeding you, or coordinating outsourcing it so you don't have to give it a thought.

What a dick.

Firstly, kick him out the bedroom, he can have the fucking couch. And stop cooking for him.

Being a FTM is the worst. I remember the first month pretty much being hell. It took me a while to master breastfeeding - what it took was one good community midwife who helped, but I'd seen a lot of nurses/midwives before that and it just didn't click. I fed my first for 14 months, my second baby for 2 years, and I'm due my third kid tomorrow. But I'd still suggest if the latch isn't working for you soon, set yourself a deadline and get formula.

Take the pressure off yourself. Soup from a tin, no huge roasts need cooking. Sit with baby and TV.

I'm so sorry that you've got a shitty mum and a shitty husband.

His behaviour is appalling and he should be ashamed of himself. Please speak to your health visitor or go to your nearest baby clinic. As your husband has provided absolutely zero support while you are trying to establish breastfeeding, his opinion no longer matters and you should do what's best for you without taking his wishes into consideration. You are coping well in such awful circumstances.

I hope things get better for you soon.

This is always said on threads like these. Plenty of women get PND and continue to pull their weight. What has happened is that he's realised he isn't the centre of the universe so he's decided to opt out and do an whatever he wants to do.

Stop cooking for a start, the last thing you should be doing is making roast dinners! I suppose he managed to be there to eat it . Fuming on your behalf 💐

Actually, and I’m aware I’m too invested, this is so utterly awful and lacking in care from him, that it isn’t normal, so can there be something else going on?! I don’t know - can men get some kind of depression/mental health issue following the birth of their child?, I guess the op would know whether he already has form for such extreme selfishness or not.

It's not you, its not the baby, it's not bf it's him. Hes useless and sadly this is not unusual. I'm sorry

He sounds awful and YANBU. I’m so sorry.
Is there any public transport around? Ask your health visitor for the details of some infant feeding support grounds and children’s centres. Build a support network of other mums around you.

Breastfeeding isn't your biggest issue - he is. Did he want this baby? Seriously....wtf? Staying out half the day after running while you struggle...awful. Speak to your insurers, but if you feel OK, you can drive sooner than you think. The way he is treating you is horrible

It doesn’t even sound like the baby is his tbh! I’m just thinking back to when my two were babies, and neither of us parents would have wanted them to cry for longer than the time it took to get to them! I just cannot imagine putting in ear plugs so that I can’t hear that my own tiny baby needs something. It’s a lack of emotion that I can’t imagine.

He sounds absolutely awful.

For contrast, I had issues with getting BFing established with both babies for different reasons, and DH couldn’t have been more helpful. He did all the cleaning, cooking, sterilising and cleaning of pump parts and bottles, took baby with expressed milk in a bottle so I could sleep, sat in with the lactation consultant when she visited and helped me position the baby properly.

I’m sorry you’ve got such a useless husband.

I really hope things improve for you but I do often think that in this period, men really show you who they are, and he’s showing it loud and clear.

He's obviously useless but that aside. Practically to get you through the next week I think you need to try the flipple technique for a better latch (YouTube it) and taco/sandwich latch. It sounds like you want to breastfeed so don't let his crappiness stop you. Baby will want to cluster feed so at this stage you pile up biscuits and a sandwich on the side table and plonk yourself in front of Netflix for 14 hours a day and just feed.

I would also order a delivery of microwave meals or tray bakes because you should not be making any dinners at all.

Nailed it.

Unfortunately too many men see paternity leave as extra holiday as reward for having donated some sperm.

Oh you poor love. Im so sorry hes acting like that. Agree with previous poster, he is one of the most selfish pricks ive read about on here!

What was his reaction after you blew up at him? I would show him the responses on this thread and tell him if he doesnt buck up his ideas he can just leave permanently.

Its him who isnt good enough.

Definitely sounds like tongue tie. I’d be looking for a lactation consultation if you want to continue to feed. I’m also shocked about how useless your husband is. Let alone what the people having coffee with him must think. After a c section too, with mine I could barely walk for weeks. He’d definitely be told to stay elsewhere for a while if I was you. I’m sorry.

Im so sorry. I have no words to describe your husband and how useless he is being. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Can you contact a lactation consultant if you want to continue breastfeeding?

Can he not sleep on the sofa while you sleep in the bed, its got to be more comfortable, plus you may be so tired you accidentally fall asleep and its much, much safer in a bed than on a sofa. That said, he shouldn't be sleeping on the bloody sofa, he should be helping you while hes on paternity leave.

I have been on mumsnet for 17 years.

this is possibly the most selfish I have heard of during new born phase.

beyond shocking, beyond acceptable, never ever going to get any better.

his is a level of selfishness that surpasses any intervention.

I would be online today pressing the divorce button. Without any shadow of doubt.