to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

What an awful way to view your relationships with your parents and your husbands parents. This place is full of people who view family relationships as transactional

Must be the way they were brought up…

Children learn from their own families first and foremost. If you and your husband decided that you would do the vast majority of child rearing when the kids are little then can you really be suprised that your children don't trust their father to babysit their kids?

If your children want you to babysit, they obviously trust you to do so. Have you ever asked them why they don't trust your husband? Did anything happen in their childhood that would mean they don't consider your husband to be a safe person to babysit their kids?

This seems unfair - emotional blackmail even. I don't agree with the stance of you either help out or you don't see your grandkids. My parents live an hour away and don't do any babysitting nor would I expect them too. They are getting on a bit now anyways and neither now drive but they did a lot for my brother who had his first two many years ago. We visit them regularly so they can see their grandkids. It's lovely for my children to see them and they can all enjoy a relationship that involves no obligations plus I want to see my parents too.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to resentful of the way patriarchy leads to women being expected to do more caring than men/being seen as a the default carer.

I think parents of young children today are struggling. It seems like your children would really value some help. Is there something that you & your partner could do that would be helpful but you wouldn’t resent? If you haven’t already, it could be worth explaining that you really can’t commit to providing childcare partly because you find it too overwhelming (loud, exhausting etc) but you do want to help in another way.

Depending on what is meant by help in older age it maybe isn't an equivalent to providing regular free/cheap childcare.

Well it probably won't be available anyway as the offspring will be too busy working full time...

I'll do two weekends of baby sitting from birth to 18 which is all my parents did!

If that's what you want. The point I am trying to make is that if current grandparents have relied heavily on their own parents / in laws to help with childcare when their kids were little, then they shouldn't be up in arms when their kids (who spent every weekend with their grandparents) ask for help with childcare.

YANBU OP both of them should have had better plans when having children then to try to pressure you into childcare.

FWIW out of a group of 10 friends only 1 has ever had regular GP childcare and honestly by the sounds of it (last minute cancelling just because etc) wasn't worth all the hassle it caused.

My DM offers to do some school holidays which we are greatful for now she's retiring but it's never an expectation. DF died a few years ago but before that would be the one of the floor playing and looking after DS1 when we visited. FIL has also passed.

Stand firm and simply state there are paid childcare options. Occasional night out/weekend babysitting etc is different.

YANBU to feel the way you do and your children should be taking no for an answer rather than keep on at you.

But not everyone behaves this way. I’m lucky that my in-laws do loads of childcare for us because they want to. And believe me, I have never taken it for granted and we had many conversations before the birth of their first biological grandchild about everything because we wanted to be sure they were ok, didn’t feel any pressure and that we were on the same page about stuff.

Someone I know basically told her parents that they were going to be providing childcare mon-fri 8-6 year round. They looked after 3 children with about 18 months between each one until the last one I couldn’t begin to imagine behaving that way towards anyone.

God this is so true. You’ve expressed that brilliantly.

😱

Unfortunately my dad is no longer with us so can't speak on that front, but in terms of my mum and brother it's always been a situation of we will put the feelers out. If you can do it, we are eternally grateful, but if you can't, no problem, we as the parents will figure it out.

I do think generational childcare should be repaid 🤷‍♀️ I think it's quite entitled to accept help from your own parents / in laws but be put out when your children ask the same of their parents
In that case I'll do two weekends of baby sitting from birth to 18 which is all my parents did!
Mil and Fil were long dead by the time our kids came along so they were out of the picture.

Women with jobs are mothers. What is wrong with you? * *

How come she didn’t want you to be a mother?

I can’t comment on your personal situation but I think it’s complicated and expectations can be built around what you’ve seen in practice.

Both my maternal grandparents retired at 50 and cared for me and my siblings so that both of my parents could work full time. They took me to and from nursery and picked me up from school, cooked evening meals, etc. It is some of my fondest memories to be privileged enough to have my grandparents play such a formative role in my early life.

My mum is always harassing me about providing her with grandchildren and how all her friends have grandkids but has also made it abundantly clear she has no interest in having the same level of commitment and involvement in my children’s upbringing. As she tells me: “she’s done her time” which is fair enough but as it stands, I simply can’t afford to have kids in the current economy without some additional support but yet she can’t seem to understand this viewpoint. I don’t think it’s always as simply as seeing the latest generation as entitled.

Fortunately my granny was fun.

Thankfully, the poll on this thread is 91% YANBU in favour of the OP.

Our MIL specifically refuses to do any childcare - in terms of occssional babysitting and date nights it’s always no and there’s never been an expectation for regular childcare- , and has done since DS1 was a baby. Which is fine!

however what does feel a bit unfair is she does regular childcare for BIL every single weekend - even though he only has his children on the weekends. And takes them on holidays, days out, has them for days on end during the school holidays etc. this offer has never ever been extended to my children.

Yanbu to resent them putting pressure on you and they are absolutely unreasonable to do so.

However to answer your question regarding why more is asked of Grandmothers than Grandfathers I imagine it's because for many people their fathers were not involved enough in their care for them (or good enough when they were involved) to feel (as or at all) comfortable trusting them with the care of their children.

Asking you is actually a compliment, it is only when it becomes expectation and pressure that it is a negative.

Yes for the eldest two GC. Six more have followed over the years so I'm in my 70s still doing regular weekly childcare with 2 year old, have the preteens for weekends when parents need/want a break. The big ones still come round but they can look after themselves, they just raid the fridge.

My DM didn’t care for us (we were taken into care due to her chronic illness). Similarly she didn’t care for my DCs for obvious reasons. I have always cared for her.

I’d never dream of being spiteful enough to say “Well you never did anything for me, so why should I help you?”

Another fact that’s being overlooked is that many of us are also caring for our own elderly mothers, which although gruelling is in most cases easier than caring for toddlers.