Traumatic or I am being dramatic (and should put it back in the box)

30 replies

ConfusedSoShutUp · 04/04/2026 15:31

I have recently had a scary health incident. All well now.

But this has "reactivated" (for want of a better word) some stress/anxiety/trauma? from my childhood. I have been exploring this a bit with a couple of books, and am down for some NHS talking therapy - probably CBT in a few weeks. And I keep having doubts and telling myself just to put it back in the box now I am better, ignore it, get on with life and shut up.

So I would like other's views please? Validation maybe that it was pretty awful? Or maybe reassurance that it was normal and I could safely put it away again. Are the books just confirming a bias of mine? That I have just "hooked onto" a word (fawning from trauma response) and made it bigger than it was - I just need to get a grip.

Short story of my life age c10 - 16 yo...in the early 1980s. My mum used to yell horribly at my older sister - and it would descend to violence. Clouts around the head, back of the legs, elsewhere. I remember her once breaking my sister's spectacles in a particularly violent rage. The violence was rarely directed at me...I was the golden child (my sister hated me for this). But most of what I can remember was hyper vigilance - to make sure mum/sister were not pushing buttons. I would do the little jobs (taking washing upstairs) to prevent mum getting cross. I would watch mum's expressions and moods, and I could tease her, joke her or do the jobs to get her out of her mood. It felt like it was down to me to "fawn" mum - to keep everyone happy at home. And yes, I was scared with each of these rages. In case I got hit. In case it was really violent (deadly) this time. Would we get split it. It made my hearth pound and I felt shaky and nauseous until I had calmed it down. I was such a suck up.

It is obviously longer/more complex than this (emotionally distant father, 100% continuation on the fawning into the remainder of my life, both at home and work, family relations etc, periods of "mild" disassociation, occasional panic emotions it stuff not done,). But above was the bare bones.

So (sorry so long):
YABU- I should just put it back in it's very small box? I was not the victim of child abuse. It was a fairly normal '80s upbringing. Logically I know I am safe.
YANBU - it was a bit shit, and probably worth talking to someone.

OP posts:

IrishSelkie · 04/04/2026 15:42

Boxing up childhood trauma has a tendancy to pop back out of the box when you least expect it and bite you on the face. While you were not the victim of your mother’s physical abuse, you witnessed it happening to your sister. There was also the constant threat of violence potentially happening to you. It might be good to talk to your sister about what you both lived through? And also talk to a therapist?

RosesAndHellebores · 04/04/2026 15:39

That was not a normal 80s childhood. Get therapy now before it really comes back to bite you on the bum very very hard.

AgentPidge · 04/04/2026 15:36

Yes, talk to someone who can reassure you that it wasn't your fault, you were a kid trying to do damage limitation, etc. Now that you're an adult you can distance yourself - don't let your mum make you feel like that kid again, taking on the appeasement role.
Anyway, yes, talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or your DP (or sister?? Maybe she needs help with it too). And then, once you've come to terms with it, then you can put it back in its box.

BeaPerry · 04/04/2026 15:36

Look up CBT and the mood and anxiety disorders it has an evidence base for -
if it’s childhood adverse experiences that you wish to address, CBT is unlikely to be the therapy of best fit -
have a think about what your problem focus should be on therapy for you, and your therapy goals - that should help you ensure you have therapy that suits the need -
therapy is like medication - different ones / doses for different problems -

userlotsanumbers · 04/04/2026 15:34

No, this sounds traumatic and emotionally abusive. Seek help.

Unflip

1 2