Traumatic or I am being dramatic (and should put it back in the box)

I think many kids grow up like this and as a result you develop a personality to cope with it - not letting real feelings show or feeling guilty when it's not your " turn". This can continue with you being a people pleaser. I did a few sessions and talking it through was helpful but as she said " the answers are inside you" . Sometimes you just need someone else to hear it and allow it to surface. You know why she was like this. You know what it made you do. You just need to recognise it and say fuck it. Mindfulness also helped.

Maybe have a chat with your GP. You may benefit from counselling /therapy.

Edit: way ahead of me I see 😂

CBT therapist here -
and I can confirm that CBT is not the therapy of choice for childhood adverse experiences, u less there are specific trauma memories that require re-processing with a PTSD CBT protocol or EMDR -
look at the formulation and Evidence base -
I would advise looking at a counselling / person centred approach—
it’s really important for people including psychologists to not diagnose PTSD / CPTSD without a thorough assessment and formulation !

Which is exactly what trauma-focused therapy helps deal with.

You'll know from experience that trauma memories feel different to an ordinary bad memory. They're often felt viscerally, strong physical reaction, they can be out of context etc. It's all to do with how our brains process highly threatening or traumatic events and how those memories are subsequently stored.

Trying to be really brief as I could go on for hours, but that's essentially what things are covered in TFCBT: identifying triggers, discriminating from then vs now, grounding, reducing the threat response (the hypervigilance) and helping to process those memories in a way that is safe and means they're not intrusive, overly distressing, uncontextualised etc.

You'll find people saying the usual "just forget it, just push it down". Avoidance is a symptom cluster in PTSD and helps maintain symptoms, the metaphor that is often used is the "linen cupboard", im sure there will be some really helpful videos on YouTube by various NHS services which can help explain these concepts whilst you wait for therapy and have a think of what is the best thing for you.

Hope that is helpful!

Well I don’t want to overstep but your brain clearly doesn’t believe you’re safe at the moment. Not the logical part the reptile part.
what makes you feel good? What grounds you? Do you have a supportive group of people to be around?
feeling unsafe triggers a lot of this. You have to teach yourself you’re safe again

That does sound traumatic. Witnessing violence in the home can be just as bad as being a direct victim of violence. It's well known now but probably wasn't so well known in the 80s. I hope the talking therapies help you deal with the trauma you've experienced.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Absolutely not unreasonable to feel the way you do.

I would caution therapy though, depending on how you typically manage your emotions, it may help or it may do further damage.

My dad was the victim of quite significant and very violent childhood abuse. He sought therapy in later years and he says it ruined his life. Brought it all to the surface and made it impossible to bury/forget/move on. He’s typically avoidant and that works for him, so therapy wasn’t helpful.

Whatever you choose, I’m sorry you had to deal with this and your recent health scare, I hope you’re able to move forward!

I know this goes against general feelings but I would put it back in the box if you can - if you can’t then be prepared to pay for expensive therapy.
I had a very similar upbringing but all siblings got slaps/thumps, objects thrown about, anger directed at us and huge rows virtually all the time. It was almost normal to us. I also had some incidents outside the family as a child which were pretty horrific and have told no one except my husband many years later.
The only way I’ve dealt with it is to forget it and move on and live my best life. I’ve found overthinking and examining the details of my childhood and trying to make sense of things does not suit me at all and could make things worse for me. I will not let other people’s behaviour however bad spoil my life. It works for me, I have a very happy life, but of course I can’t be sure it would work for everyone.

Hi OP,

Clinical Psychologist here, with a specialism in PTSD & CPTSD.

I think you're absolutely right to seek treatment and the experiences you have described are completely normal following traumatic experiences.

The therapy modalities that address PTSD/CPTSD are trauma-focused CBT, EMDR and NET. These are NICE Guideline recommended therapies with a huge evidence base.

The posters saying CBT won't help, I presume are referring to your bog standard CBT for anxiety or low mood (often like 6 sessions on the NHS) and akin to a paracetamol for a broken arm. Talking therapy services are able to offer TFCBT, but it's important to make it clear at the assessment what you're experiencing and the links to childhood trauma, so they can allocate a therapist who is able to deliver the right treatment.

It's amazing you've taken the first step and the journey is never easy, and I wish you all the best!

YADNBU op - but CBT won't help, or rather, it will just mask the symptoms/push everything back down again. You need non-time-limited psychodynamic psychotherapy (not counselling!) - v hard to get this on the NHS these days

That was going to be my question. Because a conversation with your sister could help. Agree prior that you were both effected and you need to both understand what you both went through. Ask her about the experience and how she saw you in relation to events. Tell her that many of the things you did were to stop or prevent your mother attacking her...it may be a start in helping you, because it could be the guilt that your sister was the victim mostly that is effecting you

Children who hear or witness abuse are now classed as victims of abuse even though it didn’t happen to them directly. So it’s likely that it did affect you, and it sounds like you took on a role within the family which was based on sensing your mum’s moods and trying to keep her happy in order to keep your sister safe.

I have just booked in for some EMDR and it sounds like it might be helpful for you too? I can’t say it worked for me as I haven’t had it yet but I’ve heard really good things about it for traumatic memories, PTSD and anxiety

Omg this sounds like me - but no physical violence in my case, extreme emotional volatility from both parents though, screaming matches and violence towards each other (throwing, Smashing things).
I had a fawn reaction too and was the best one at managing them out of their moods and I think it's done me no favours, but I'm a bit loathe to tamper with it lest the relative stability I've built comes teetering down 😬

I am so sorry this was your experience.

I think as we get older it's harder to keep these things 'in the box' and they fight to come out and be processed one way or another

I would look into EMDR ( I found this extremely helpful dealing with emotional flashbacks to my childhood )

Also some books that I found were very helpful

The body keeps the score - Bessel van der kolk
Complex Ptsd - from surviving to thriving - Pete Walker
Toxic Parents, overcoming their hurtful legacy & reclaiming your life - Susan Forward

How has it affected your sister as an adult?

I'm not sure CBT would be your best option, I would specifically ask for counselling not CBT as that deals more with thoughts, feelings, and ways of dealing with those emotions.

Oh I’m sorry this sounds awful.
trauma is trauma. It doesn’t matter what caused it, it still has the same impact on your brain.
regarding what your mum did, I was the older sister in this situation. I never thought about what my little sister did or might have felt in that situation, so thank you for sharing this.
look into somatic therapies too, like massages to release trauma or little ocean rituals.
mothers who can’t love is a good book to read but probably when you are in therapy.
good luck. Everyone has trauma and it impacts people in different ways. I’m glad you’ve spotted this and have access to support. Please take it and don’t think you’re not important enough to deserve it.

You were (and still are) the victim of child abuse, and it is very likely you have PTSD as a result of it.

This was way more than 'a bit shit'. Your mother was horribly abusive, not only to your sibling, but to you as well. Very much so. You spent the whole time terrified and trying to keep the peace in an attempt to prevent her from assaulting your sibling. There was always the implied threat that she might turn on you too.

Your father should have protected you and your sibling from harm, and he didn't. That makes him complicit in the abuse too.

I'm so sorry you are still suffering from this childhood trauma, and yes you definitely need some counselling.

Oh that’s horrible for a child to live with, for you and your sister. How utterly stressful, I’m so sorry.

What books have you’ve been reading?

It was not a normal childhood BUT it was also my childhood in the 80s (until my grandparents took me in, and even then, my parents were unstable). My father would get in shouting rages and abuse my mother (he hit me in the face just the once and then the grandparents mostly took over).

The point is that if my DH raises his voice, I need a lorazepam, and I’ve been in therapy for a decade (and this is a lot BETTER than I used to be; I used to dissociate to get away from the sensations of my heart pounding, dry mouth, etc. Unfortunately, I have an autoimmune disorder that has a lot of the same symptoms and I feel like it’s taken a full decade to figure out if I’m physically sick, mentally sick, or just fucking sick of it, at any given time).

I don't think it could ever really be unreasonable for any person to seek therapy or support for their mental health if that were affecting their day to day life or if they'd experienced a situation that had affected them, putting things 'in a box' isn't necessarily healthy nor are you obliged to do it for yourself or anyone else. It sounds like it would be a natural next step for you given you're exploring some of these ideas yourself and trying to process them.

A person can have a good life in the present time and still get a lot of benefit from unpicking and reframing the past with a professional, there's no shame in it and I would personally stick it, press on and see what comes of the CBT sessions. Perhaps keep a journal to note how you are feeling approaching them including these thoughts that you should put it back in a box so that you can make the practitioner aware that that's something you're experiencing.