12 YO DD and WhatsApp. Did I handle this correctly and what to do going forward

You're going to "mention it"? What if the bullied child goes and slashes her wrists before then??
I'd be dragging my kids backside to their front door and making her apologise to the parents and child also. As well as using any pocket money she has saved or sell something to buy an apology gift.
The parents of the bullied child should 100% be aware of how vile other girls are being to their daughter so they can support her.
Imagine if it was your child being bullied.
Keep your daughter off social media. All types.

Yeah because being cut off from all the bullying and nastiness will really damage her. Let her be cut off.

My DD was involved in something similar at the same age. The girl’s mum contacted me to let me know, my DD had deleted the messages! She hasn’t been allowed to have WhatsApp since. I was honestly mortified, she’s never done anything of the sort before or since. She wasn’t the worst by any means but still involved and that was bad enough. I made her take some chocolates and apologise to the girl at school.

Why are you telling the OP 'well done on taking the hard line' - the second post the OP says "we have parents evening the week they go back so I am going to mention to form teacher"

I think your hard line differs somewhat to mine.

The rest of your post is just bonkers!! If that kind of shit is going on, maybe you need to rethink the whole phone issue.

(I'm not saying it doesn't happen just that you seem very blasé for someone with a teenage child and being told all this kind of stuff is going on. My kids would have been phoneless after just one of the events you mention!! I'd have no worries about dick pics and naked selfies if they don't have phones!!)

Well done for this. Wish more parents would take a hardline on bullying!
I would be tempted to contact the other parents too….
or if you don’t know them contact the school and show them the discussions taking place. The other kids don’t need to know who told on them, but this bullying needs to be stopped ..
Your daughters tantrum over loosing WhatsApp - I’d tell her she’s not having the phone back at all for the rest of the week and if her behaviour continues a
day will be added for every tantrum or bratty behaviour!

A warning though for all you parents - my DD is open and honest with me and always tells me what’s going on at school…. Kids as young as year 7 were sharing nudes to their friends or partners which were then shared to the whole year whatsapp!! My DD has come to me several times with shock over things that have been shared… I’ve had to put in safeguarding concerns to school more times than I can count!! (No children know where the complaints come from!)..
Also be aware these kids are accessing dating sites - my DD has informed me some of her friends are chatting to older lads on line and some have been sent ‘dick pics’ and some have sent back nudes of themselves!! And yes some started in year 7!!…. One recently sent a picture to a lad who she believes is 19 and he’s told hers showing all his friends!! … which is illegal as well as horrible!!
It is also worth noting that if your children are sharing images of each other this is classed as making and distributing images of children… also worth remembering that children over the age of 10 can be tried as adults in court!
Talk to your children about the law around sharing indecent images of other people!! I have told my DD if ANYONE shares an image of a naked child (even if of themselves) it is an offence for her to reshare!! This includes AI images of naked children or even quite clearly fake images where a huge penis has been added to a picture of a baby … sharing this IS still classed as distributing indecent images of children!

My BF is a police woman and recently warned a family member about an image he’d reshared of a baby in a womb (scan pic) that had had an adults penis put in the place where genitals are.. saying something like ‘it’s a boy’…. It was a joke but the laws on this still mean that he shared an indecent picture of child .. the person who added the penis ‘made indecent images of a child!!’
People seem so unclear of this !! People assume that when people are done for making indecent images that they’ve photographed naked children…. It really can be something as innocent as adding genitals to a photo ‘for a joke!’ And I’m aware I’ve gone off on a tangent… BUT I’m just pointing out that phones in teenagers hands are dangerous!! Have those difficult convos with your teenagers!!!

You can change your settings so that you’re not added to any groups. Not the point of the thread, but worth a mention if this is happening to anyone.

OP. Read this and take action. Report to school asap.

Read up on the smartphone free childhood. Stick to your guns and keep her off WhatsApp. Being a bully this week, being bullied next week. You’re protecting her from a world of grief she’s too young to understand.

"Get her to read the messages out to you. I think sometimes people cannot understand how awful things they type are."

In terms of your daughter, I think this - from an earlier poster - is really good advice. It sounds like empathy is the biggest thing you need to be working on with your daughter. Social media is dangerous because it is dehumanising. It's also dangerous because it is permanent, the poor girl recieving those messages will be reading and re-reading them and not able to get away, even in her own home: you need to talk to your daughter about that and make sure she understands it.

When my kids got phones, we talked alot about anything they messaged, they needed to think 'how would I feel if my Mum, or my teacher, or my friend's Mum or the police read it' and if the answer was they'd just feel a bit silly and embarrassed then fine, but if they'd feel ashamed or guilty, they should definitely not be posting it.

I remember that thread, it was rage inducing.

Parents who put tech into the hands of their children without properly monitoring it, are negligent and if anything happens as a result, they need to be held responsible. But no, we blame everything else but parental responsibility.

As a teacher I am very concerned for the girl that’s getting bullied. It would be derelict in your duty as a parent to let this slide, and imho you must tell the school so the girl getting bullied can get support. Please.

Bullying in WhatsApp groups can be really harmful. Because it’s constant and follows you everywhere, it can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and feeling isolated or excluded.

It can affect sleep, confidence, and even school or work. Messages can be screenshotted and shared, and group pile-ons can make things feel overwhelming very quickly.

It’s important to recognise the impact and step in early, online bullying is still bullying, and it can have serious effects.

My dd13 12 year old friend died by suicide last year. There is a police investigation ongoing with a focus mainly on online phone chat groups like whats app. The experience has been horrific, the devastation it has caused is beyond peoples comprehension, her lovely parents are trumatised. My dd was not on these chat groups it seems to involve groups linked to her sport not school. My child has had to grow up so quickly and deal with such pain and grief and I am heartbroken for her.

Reading the description of the whats app messages I feel physically sick. I am begging you @lookinggforadvice to report this group to the school so this child's parents know asap what is going on and what this child is being subjected to. It is everybodies job to keep children safe, why do you not seem to grasp the urgency in this? I am dumbfounded.

As far your daughter having a 2 hour temper tantrum because you took her phone after her engaging in this bullying, no words. You have a lot of work to do there

Like fuck would she be getting it back. The phone itself would be history if she was using it to bully someone. I abhor bullying. It's the one thing, I will come down hard for. Her arse would fucking glow. Let her throw a tantum all day if she wants to, there's other things she can lose if she keeps it up. As for the friends their parents would be sent screenshots of what their daughters were up to.

Correct. Many schools have also offered sessions on this for parents - usually with few takers.

@TrashHeap
Schools have been teaching about internet safety for years. But there is fuck all schools can do when parents won't deal with it themselves. There was a thread on here recently where a poster discovered her 15 year old son was receiving explicit nude photos from a girl he had never actually met. Some of the people replying were incredulous that she even looked at his phone.

Stick to your guns. This behaviour is despicable.

My DD was on receiving end of these similar groups, it escalated so quickly, it was bloody horrible, like a pack of animals
in year 9 we took her out of school to home school her, all because of social media bullies. She had to have counselling, still not a confident girl, all from on line bullying
do not back down

Yeah but they won't admit that, they instead blame tech oligarchs. Those oligarchs were only able to get access to children because parents put technology in their hands without doing their due dilligence.

Are the oligarchs to blame too? Absolutely. They will exploit things to smithereens, but kids do not need access to smartphones, and school curriculums need to start teaching internet safety to prepare kids for this, with encouragement for parental involvement since too many are being lax about it.

Why are parents allowing access to WhatsApp - under 13’s are much too immature and incapable of appropriate social behaviour.
These problems rest with the parents.

You absolutely need to let the school know about this. Same happened in DDs class whatsapp.... actually not as bad as what you've described. School got involved and were brilliant. Kids all learnt a very valuable lesson. Kids need to know that if they are in a group and they witness bullying, the responsiblity is on them to alert an adult/teacher.

This.

Obviously not old enough to use it correctly. Bullying is awful and can have a lifetime negative effect on people. Bullying needs reporting to school so they are aware.

Stropping for 2 hours further shows her inability to understand consequences of actions. Too young for a phone let alone WhatsApp.

I think you are brave to post this on here and I respect your ability to take the straight talk. You are obviously a good person and a good mum.

The phone needs to go, but most importantly you need to contact all the parents of the girls in the bullying group and the parents of the girl being bullied immediately. This has to stop asap.

I would tell your daughter that you are sending screenshots of the chat to the school. At my daughter’s school there is a zero tolerance policy on bullying- one offence - suspension then second offence - expulsion. So I would also threaten that. She is likely to be mortified, furious, embarrassed and will
no doubt say that you’ve ruined her life, but she was ruining someone else’s life so you can tell her that’s what happens to bullies!

Children of this age shouldn’t have smartphones

get her a dumb phone

What a horrible thing to discover.

You were right to act quickly. I guess meltdown is completely normal — try to hold off the big conversation until she's calm, nothing lands well in that state.

When you do talk, lead with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask her what was going on in the group — kids often get swept into pile-ons out of fear of becoming the next target. That doesn't excuse it, but it opens the door rather than slamming it. May be this will work for you!

Worth flagging to school too, even if it happened off-platform. They have safeguarding obligations and can keep an eye on both girls.

Hope this helps!

The thing about this generation of children is that all their stupidity, embarrassing stuff and nastiness is written down or put in photos/videos and shared, screen shot and seen by the whole year group, many of the parents and often teachers. They have to bear that in mind every single time they write or share anything.