AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

I agree. OP knows what he's like, so she should make sure she keeps her cashmere clothing separate and washes them herself.

It would be nothing to do with the washing incident but about the clear lack of care and consideration to OP and what is important to her. Especially considering the other things she has mentioned.

It isn't something I'd be putting up with.

Is it the reason for the divorce, or the final straw in the way he treats OP? There was an article doing the rounds recently, something along the lines of, “My wife divorced me for leaving my dirty dishes out.”

OP I'm with you on this. I don't think
your analogy works though...a laptop.on the floor is in the wrong place, its vulnerable to damage and even if you told someone I think that would be your fault. Washing however, was in the laundry basket. The exact place its meant to be and he has specifically asked to watch out for x...sorting laundry is a normal part of doing the job. Im not precious at all but even I do darks and lights and if I had wool or cashmere in there I'd notice it. Your dh just cant be arsed ..its not like you asked him to check and wash them separately, you literally just said leave my stuff alone. Not sure why the majority think you should be buying new baskets or whatever to compensate for his lack.of care. In a marriage, you're meant to take note of this stuff...don't add x to a meal if you know your spouse doesn't like it, don't leave shoes in the hallway where they are in the way if it irritates your partner..you're meant to care about stuff they've asked you to care about. This isn't a random stranger or even a cleaner ignoring instructions.

And this. I have done it to my own things in the past, so I don’t put them all in together. That said, a lot of knitwear can handle a standard wash at 30 or whatever.

Agreed. Or even just a your own pile somewhere. I wear a lot of knitwear, and in honesty rarely wash it. Natural fibres respond well to just being hung and aired after wearing, unless visibly dirty.

Exactly. There were 3 types of clothing: a grown man’s, a grown woman’s, and small kids’. You literally told him as he was emptying the basket to remove the grown woman’s clothes. Not a difficult task—it’s not like your DD is 19 and there is room for confusion. And for some reason, he either chose not to, or was incapable of, following this simple instruction. An instruction that a 4yo could follow. And yet he’s capable of showing due care over his expensive purchases, eg, guitars. He either doesn’t care, or did it deliberately, and this is what I’d be getting to the bottom of.

Why did you keep on putting them in the basket after the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time he did it? Yes it’s annoying but its clear he’s just scooping up a load of stuff to wash, so keep delicates separately.

My DH used to shrink, dye things and generally ruin clothes all the time.
Like you OP, I go through all the washing to put like with like!

Finally I sat down with DH and told him that just because he pretended to be incompetent with the washing did not mean he was going to get out of doing it, or any other chore for that matter.
Now, OK, 20 years later, he is great at doing the laundry and only occasionally missed a black sock in with the whites.
Trying to explain the mental load is a different matter.....

Yes, we live our life with four different laundry baskets… if things aren’t sorted before washing my husband would also throw it all in together. (Delicates, regular (line dry), regular (tumble dry), hot wash (tumble dry))

Because OP is the one whose clothes need special care, not his.

Divorce over a washing incident…… blimey that’s an interesting choice!

It’s annoying but I think after the first 2 times of him doing this, I would probably have bought my own personal washing basket that he isn’t allowed to touch or wash & then do these items yourself x

We have separate laundry baskets but I also never put cashmere sweaters into my own basket because in the past I’ve accidentally washed them with everything else and shrunk them.

I’m an intelligent capable woman, but I make mistakes with things like laundry often enough that I’ve learnt to put preventative methods in place.

I guess I think of it as setting myself up to succeed.

He doesn't give a shit about your sweaters or how you feel about them. He also doesn't value any of the household chores you've given him and he keeps fucking up.

Fundamentally, he doesn't value them or what you do about them. He would happily live in a less perfect house/let kids suffer etc.

He can plan and be meticulous about shit he cares.

You can 1) accept your fate and live with the unfairness of it all or 2) divorce. Many women find themselves in the same situation (hence all the incessant chat about "mental load" currently). There is option 3) murder, a bit extreme but at least someone else is sorting dinner and laundry in prison 🤣

We had one of those laundry baskets that is in sections, so you can have one for delicates, which might avoid the issue next time (no, it doesn't help right now!).
But once the kids weren't very little, I just got a basket for each person. It means that we all do our own, so can keep an eye on stuff like this (obvs the kids have nothing delicate). This might work better, as if he just does his own stuff, it's not your problem any more.

It’s more like leaving my laptop on the floor of a room which I use regularly and my DH uses once every 6 weeks

The whole point of that analogy is that the laptop shouldn't be on the floor in the first place!.. It's careless and risky for you to leave something in a place it can be accidentally stood on.. you are responsible for keeping your items safe.. same goes with your laundry. You'd be stupid to keep leaving your laptop on the floor if it's already been trod on 4 times before (even though you've told people not to) so why do you keep leaving it there? Madness.

FWIW in our house, we have whites (which we pre-soak), colours, darks, towels/blankets/bedding etc. None of that is sorted out before hand it is all chucked in to the same hamper until there is enough for a full load.. what we DON'T DO is put in handwash or delicate items with everything else, they have a separate bag, me & DH both do equal shares of laundry, but it would be too easy for things to get thrown in the wash with any of the above, so we keep them completely separate.

Besides, it's annoying putting things in the hamper then asking your DH to root through all the dirty clothes to find them and take them out again, I'd be well cheesed off if my DH was doing this, when he could just taken responsibility and kept the items separate himself.

I’d be frustrated too about such an item being ruined - never mind it being the 4th time.

I do appreciate what many posters and yourself are saying about your DH essentially being careless and/using weaponised incompetence.

From you posts it sounds like this is about more than jumpers (laptops/tickets etc).

Tbh before you posted about the other things I did have some empathy for your DH.

We have a general single laundry basket and share doing the washing. However DH has no clothes that would require any “special” washing.

I on the other hand do. I suppose my take on this has been that in choosing some clothing that requires special treatment, it’s also my responsibility to manage that separately to general clothing so I have a separate small laundry bag in the utility room I pop those items in that DH knows not to touch.

So whilst I understand you told him not to touch your washing I can see how it’s possible for your items to get mixed in when frankly the idea (and probably cost) of these items just doesn’t register with him in the moment.

In that sense I’d argue it’s just as much your responsibility to look after special items by separating them out as it is to look out for them.

However, it doesn’t seem like this is an isolated issue. Rather, it’s an ongoing lack of taking care/responsibility in multiple aspects of daily life when not actively involving tasks/items he cares about.

That’s more worrying, in the sense it’s an overall patten of general disrespect and dare I say flippancy towards you in the sense he doesn’t care about the time/cost/annoyance his lack of effort in engaging his brain causes you.

I wonder how precious he is about his own belongings (things he cares about) and his ability to remember to do tasks that he is invested in for himself?

If he’s generally scatterbrained across the board then he should be employing better strategies to organise himself.

On the other hand if he is perfectly capable of managing/organising “his important” tasks and looking after his own things to a high standard yet only functions on a sub par setting in relation to you/your children then you’ve got a bigger problem.