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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

318 replies

PILinOz · 30/03/2026 11:55

I love the feel and look of cashmere and wool jumpers but cannot justify paying full price. Instead I scour TK Maxx and Vinted for bargains.
Over the past few years I have managed to find and buy myself a few lovely pieces at a heavy discount. My lovely mother-in-law also bought me a lovely cashmere jumper last Christmas.

My husband has managed to ruin all of them by just shoving them in with the regular laundry. They’ve all shrunk and felted. Each time his reaction to this has been to go “Oops, my bad, sorry” and kind of shrug his shoulders and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks ago I found a lovely, BNWT wool/cashmere blend jumper on Vinted for £20. The original price tag was £125. I wore it and put it in the laundry basket. A few days later DH announces he’s going to do some laundry. I warn him that a few of my newly purchased work items are in there and not to touch them please. Later on he comes to tell me that he’s really sorry but he’s only gone and completely ruined my new cashmere jumper. He apologises profusely. I tell him I’m really upset. This is the about the 4th time he’s done this and I specifically told him not to touch my stuff. More apologising. He seems genuinely sorry for once

Later on I find him scrolling the internet to find a replacement. Of course he can’t find the exact same one as it came from Vinted and isn’t current season, but he finds something similar by the same brand and offers to buy it. It costs £165

Here is where I may be unreasonable. We earn roughly the same and pool all our finances into our joint account. I cannot justify using £165 of family money for a jumper. That just seems wild to me. I tell him this and he gets annoyed. I try to explain that spending £165 of our money to rectify his mistake isn’t fair. That I spend my time and effort to find these items and only purchase them at a price we can realistically afford. He thinks that I should just go out and buy new replacement jumpers at full price as we have the money. As far as he is concerned he has offered a solution which I am rejecting so that’s the end of it.

I brought it up again yesterday and said again that I think it’s totally unfair that he’s now ruined 4 of my nice jumpers and has no intention of putting in any effort to replace them. He looked incredulous and said “What, are you really expecting me to go through the rails at TK Maxx or join Vinted to find replacements?” I said I didn’t think it was such an unreasonable request and why should the burden of finding a solution to a problem he caused by his repeated carelessness, fall to me? He told me I was massively overreacting and he’s done talking about it. AIBU? Yes: it’s just a few jumpers, get over it and move on. No: DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

OP posts:
DalmationalAnthem · 30/03/2026 12:49

(edited because the comment I was replying to didn't attach, and I didn't mean to press post!)

Original poster
PILinOz · 30/03/2026 12:48

AreYouBrandNew · 30/03/2026 12:39

OP doesn’t sound like he’s remorseful at all?

we’ve had a couple of my wool items (sale bought) ruined over the years by DH and I think got the idea from my reaction.

i want us to make an effort as a household to look after clothes by laundering them properly. Does your DH understand the value in this?

Show quote history

He’s says he’s remorseful and at the time sounded genuinely sorry. Previously his reaction has been a “oh god, what am I like” type of reaction. This time he sat down, explained what happened ie, he knew he wasn’t to touch my stuff, separated some items out, but somehow the jumper got mixed up and sneaked it with the regular clothes. He said he was really, really sorry and left the room ( I was working at the time) when I came down after finishing work, I found him looking for a replacement. He thinks as he’s offered a solution, he’s done enough and that the end of it and I need to let it go and get over it.

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 30/03/2026 12:44

I would put them in a laundry bag within a laundry basket if I were you OP He's offered to replace it, found something similar but you're saying no so yabu.

Paganpentacle · 30/03/2026 12:43

He can replace them with brand new ones out of HIS pocket, not the joint one.

AnonKat · 30/03/2026 12:43

This post comes up every month I swear!

Pfpppl · 30/03/2026 12:43

There's no way I'd be allowing an expensive replacement, just think how pissed off you will be when he inevitably shrinks that one as well!

LamentableShoes · 30/03/2026 12:42

I've had conversations with my dh about this kind of thing. I realised he didn't have any strategy for remembering to do stuff other than "hope I remember it at the relevant time".

We now both use a lot of calendar reminders etc and go through all the related tangents that need to be thought of. Eg if DC has a party invitation, it's not just a case of seeing if we're available, but thinking about transport, a present, when the present will need to be bought etc. Like project management but for things that some people think are too trivial or "not my job" to bother thinking about so they don't get done.

You can do it in a non-condescending way and it might help anticipate stuff a bit more.

My own rule re school event tickets is don't open the email (so it's left unread) until you're actually ready to buy the tickets etc. Otherwise you've mentally "done it" and it drops out of my brain!

takealettermsjones · 30/03/2026 12:41

HappyFacedWorm · 30/03/2026 12:38

Funny how OP didn't have to be trained, she learnt herself like any responsible adult.

Surely her DH should know how to do laundry without being trained by his wife?

Show quote history

Presumably he does know how to do his own laundry though? If he doesn't own any cashmere he reasonably would not know what to do with it. To be honest I don't even know if I would be able to identify the cashmere out of a heap of laundry, so I'd have to check every label to make sure, which would make the simple task of putting a wash on suddenly take much longer. Seems unfair to put that on the non-cashmere-owning partner when a much simpler solution exists (a separate basket).

Tontostitis · 30/03/2026 12:41

Vaxtable · 30/03/2026 12:02

You should have learnt from the first couple of times and not put them in the laundry basket but washed them your self so sorry no sympathy from me

Sadly this I keep a separate delicates basket I shouldn't have too but after too many ruined items I no longer trust my dh

BeaRightThere · 30/03/2026 12:41

I never ever put my cashmere jumpers in the laundry basket because even though I am the one who does the laundry, I'm aware of the possibility of disaster. I could easily forget it's there and just shove in a load. So I would strongly advise you not to do this again.

Obviously your husband is in the wrong for having ruined your jumpers. He should pay for replacements. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to search Vinted or TK Maxx to do it though. He should give you the money instead.

I also think, if you can afford it which the husband believes you can, you just buy the new 165 jumper and never ever put it in the laundry basket.

Maryhadalittlemouse · 30/03/2026 12:40

HappyFacedWorm · 30/03/2026 12:38

Funny how OP didn't have to be trained, she learnt herself like any responsible adult.

Surely her DH should know how to do laundry without being trained by his wife?

Show quote history

I wish we all had guys who came ready-trained for all domestic duties. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen... 🙄

Ukefluke · 30/03/2026 12:40

Yes he is an incompetent man child.
But why keep putting your jumpers in the household laundry?
I keep my precious stuff seperate because if my husband doesnt wreck them a teen will.

AreYouBrandNew · 30/03/2026 12:39

PILinOz · 30/03/2026 12:33

Thank you for this well thought out response. He isn’t ND nor an arsehole. I have been trying to pull back a bit on the household labour stuff and put more onto him.

It hasn’t always worked out and he quite often drops the ball. Eg “forgetting” to order the Hello Fresh meals so we just get went random meals we don’t like.
Forgetting to order tickets for the kids shows/discos/dancing displays/ gymnastic events so he’s scrabbling around last minute to sort it in a blind panic.

He arranged for a tradesman to come to the house to do some work but forgot all about it and didn’t tell me. So the guy arrives and I knew nothing about it and we then had to run around shifting furniture and moving stuff out the way so the guy could do his job and we were both late for work as a result. I think he sees having to deal with this stuff as annoying.
He just wants it dealt with and off his plate as quickly as possible, so doesn’t put enough care and attention into things.

The jumper is just another thing in a whole string of incidents where he doesn’t pay enough attention.

Show quote history

OP doesn’t sound like he’s remorseful at all?

we’ve had a couple of my wool items (sale bought) ruined over the years by DH and I think got the idea from my reaction.

i want us to make an effort as a household to look after clothes by laundering them properly. Does your DH understand the value in this?

HappyFacedWorm · 30/03/2026 12:38

Maryhadalittlemouse · 30/03/2026 12:32

Has your DH been trained on laundry duties?

If not then YABU.

If so, then he needs a refresher course.

My DH used to think that the way to do laundry was load, hot and heluva lot (of powder).😮

Funny how OP didn't have to be trained, she learnt herself like any responsible adult.

Surely her DH should know how to do laundry without being trained by his wife?

Maryhadalittlemouse · 30/03/2026 12:38

HellonHeels · 30/03/2026 12:37

Boil wash his favourite suit.

😆

ExpectMore · 30/03/2026 12:38
  1. he’s offered you a solution, you don’t like it. It seems you want to make him “suffer” and lose his time to replace your jumpers
  2. don’t put your cashmere jumpers in the pile of clothes that they can’t be washed with

prevention is better than cure…

@PILinOz

JudyP · 30/03/2026 12:38

Not the point but you need a handwashing laundry basket, it’s the only way to keep it separate but he should maybe search and send you results for vinted etc and if you like it then he should buy it

Meadowfinch · 30/03/2026 12:37

At this point I think your only sensible option is to have a separate laundry basket for delicates that you don't want your dh anywhere near.

Expecting him to scour Vinted or TKMax won't work. No matter how hard you try to educate him, it won't work because he doesn't care that much.

HellonHeels · 30/03/2026 12:37

Boil wash his favourite suit.

Thistimearound · 30/03/2026 12:36

PILinOz · 30/03/2026 12:10

Funnily enough, he did suggest that going forward we should have a separate basket for delicates. It seems I have to be the one who goes out and buys this too Confused

Show quote history

Just pop a £10 basket it in an Amazon order?! This really doesn’t have to be a big mental load issue.

Original poster
PILinOz · 30/03/2026 12:33

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 30/03/2026 12:09

Might I make a recommendation? As DH has proven too incompetent to do laundry, which I assume was his intention unless he’s ND, he no longer does laundry - but INSTEAD, he needs to take over a household task you normally do. Because if he’s sitting here ruining your sweaters FOUR times, he’s either:

  • an arsehole
  • neurodiverse
  • doesnt care about you
  • isnt competent enough to do some laundry, even when you give him directions at the start

I recommend figuring out which it is. Because it sounds like you and he are on completely different pages about spending, saving, caring for items you own, etc. - this is stuff that will come up again and again in a marriage.

SIDENOTE: There does appear, in my experiments, to be a sub-breed of men that think if they just throw everything in the washing machine and press a button without paying any attention or giving a fuck, that means they’ve “shared household tasks equally.” I hope he isn’t one of these, because they’re always dicks. 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for this well thought out response. He isn’t ND nor an arsehole. I have been trying to pull back a bit on the household labour stuff and put more onto him.

It hasn’t always worked out and he quite often drops the ball. Eg “forgetting” to order the Hello Fresh meals so we just get went random meals we don’t like.
Forgetting to order tickets for the kids shows/discos/dancing displays/ gymnastic events so he’s scrabbling around last minute to sort it in a blind panic.

He arranged for a tradesman to come to the house to do some work but forgot all about it and didn’t tell me. So the guy arrives and I knew nothing about it and we then had to run around shifting furniture and moving stuff out the way so the guy could do his job and we were both late for work as a result. I think he sees having to deal with this stuff as annoying.
He just wants it dealt with and off his plate as quickly as possible, so doesn’t put enough care and attention into things.

The jumper is just another thing in a whole string of incidents where he doesn’t pay enough attention.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlemouse · 30/03/2026 12:32

Has your DH been trained on laundry duties?

If not then YABU.

If so, then he needs a refresher course.

My DH used to think that the way to do laundry was load, hot and heluva lot (of powder).😮

caringcarer · 30/03/2026 12:31

Put your delicate bits in a separate laundry basket and wash them yourself. You know he just throws everything in together and most likely on top hot a wash. Take the jumper as it might teach him to be more careful in the future.

bookmarkymark · 30/03/2026 12:31

OneChaosAtATime · 30/03/2026 11:58

He should at least make an effort to replace it at a reasonable price. But tbh I wouldn't be holding my breath. And I'd be buying a small laundry basket for special items which can't go in the normal wash.

That is a good idea.
I just do all the washing, DH has other roles, and I actively chose this one

Sunshine697 · 30/03/2026 12:31

Not the point I know, but you can (at least partially) un-felt wool but soaking it in a mix of lukewarm water and fabric softener and then stretching it gently and leaving it to dry on a towel. You can google proper instructions. I've rescued a few washing disasters by doing this.