AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

The subtext is that a grown man isn't able to comprehend washing instructions

This is in no way comparable to DIY or fixing the car that requires skill and/or an element of training or research and tools. It requires the ability to read, is that something your husband is lacking?

I really do understand how you feel, as I would be the same. The ‘pain’ isn’t his and you have the guilt of ‘wasting’ family money on what feels like an indulgence. It’s where pooled money does fall down - my husband tries to treat me to things and all I think of are the other, better (and by better I mean benefit everyone) things that money could be spent on. It’s really tricky to find the balance.

However, as others have said, this is the fourth time. I wouldn’t have let it get past the first. Not because he’s a man but because you have 2 kids and by virtue of that, everything in your life is bound to be a bit rushed, time poor, etc…with the best will in the world, more often than not, it’s just bundling stuff into the washing machine and calling it a win because everyone will have clean clothes. I’ll be honest and say I’d have made the same mistake as him, no matter how hard I tried to remember….in the moment I would forget. Delicates that can’t go in a normal wash shouldn’t be in the normal washing basket - too much potential for error.

I think you’re both in the wrong here, and I would say the same regardless of gender. But he’s giving you the only real solution and you’re saying it’s not acceptable so…what do you actually want and expect him to do about it?

While this would piss me off and his level of weaponised incompetence would make me rethink the entire relationship. I would make him replace them all, full price if needed. But wool and cashmere simply don't need washing after every wear or few wears . Unless heavily soiled/stained all they need is an air outside and some wool refresh spray at most. They wont last long if you're washing them all the time

Ah yes typical mums net reply, all the woman’s fault.
she literally told an adult four times to not touch her jumpers, and somehow, it’s still all her fault. I can’t.

If I were you I’d put my ‘special’ laundry somewhere else - not in the communal laundry basket. Personally I wash any such things, and all pure wool, by hand anyway.

To remedy this particular incident, I think what he’s suggested is fair enough, given the circumstances. He has offered to buy a replacement brand new, albeit using family money but given all money is pooled, he can only use family money. You’ve said the cost isn’t a major issue.

If you wanted to go down the Vinted route, surely it’s easier for you to do this as you will have built up your profile and have searches for size/brands, etc, Vinted is a minefield and you need to be experienced at deciding if an item is worth buying or a piece of overpriced rubbish, that won’t be fit for the purpose. Same with TX Maxx - he could go in and end up buying a cashmere jumper that will ball immediately and shrink in a handwash.

Going forward have a basket for delicate items. Yes, it’s frustrating when the Hello Fresh order isn’t delivered - but then it’s his responsibility to plan a menu and do a food shop. Same with booking stuff or whatever.

I do just pull out all the shirts, tops underwear and light jumpers and throw them all in together without much thought, the same for the heavier wash. If someone had dropped a hand wash only item in there it would be toast. Not really an excuse but it is easily done, a separate bag in the basket for things not to go in the machine sounds like a plan.

It is one problem with only having joint money, we always had some of our own money, even when we were pretty broke, for birthday presents for each other and things we each wanted but couldn't justify spending joint money on.

This is how I left my relationship with cheap clothes and ex with expensive stuff - because he was happy to spend all our money on things he wanted (whilst worrying to me about whether we had enough), whereas I always took family finances into consideration. With ex, it was a controlling tactic.

Having said that, I once treated myself to a cashmere cardigan, which he tried to destroy by putting through the washing machine and tumble-dryer (he said he didn't like me wearing that colour), but little did he know that it was superwash and it survived fine and I still wear it to this day.

spend the money. He clearly doesn't care enough not to waste it, so you should take it. Watch for escalation though, and do keep a secret laundry basket for your stuff (sod his. If he has anything handwash he can do that himself)

he knew he wasn’t to touch my stuff, separated some items out.

This is exactly my point!!.. why on earth are you putting an item that can't be washed with regular laundry, WITH the regular laundry and expecting someone to take it out again before doing the laundry.. it is absolute nonsense!!

I'd lose the plot if my DH put stuff in the laundry basket but insisted I take them out again before washing the rest.. the fuck??

Only a fool would toss delicate items into the general laundry basket when they require a separate, gentle wash.

''accidently' drop his playstation in the shower? He might suddenly understand then.

Why are you not putting your cashmere jumpers aside to handwash yourself? No way would I trust DP with washing them! Yes your DH should be more mindful but as you know he's not, then put those items aside in future.

I’d keep cashmere seperate from regular washing that’s in the laundry basket.

I'd take him up on the offer to replace them but make sure it comes from his funds. I would let him watch the kids whilst you go to the shops for the day or spend a few hours web shopping in a lovely coffee shop

We have a hand wash basket and a general laundry basket as I can’t be trusted to sort the laundry if it all goes into one!

DP does most of our laundry and he had to introduce this system for the occasional time I did do the laundry and wrecked things (both his and mine!)

I think you were mad to have just thrown it in the laundry given his form. I know you warned him but I wouldn’t have risked it.

Suggesting he goes to TK Max and tries to find a replacement is just punishing him. He looked online, he found a replacement, you declined to spend that much.

Seperate washing baskets and also seperate private own spending accounts that both have same amount each month

he saves and buys you a new one out of his money

I get why you don’t want your money paying for it out of joint account as it’s not him personally paying for it

You’re annoyed because they’re not really replaceable, and so it’s not really fair to expect him to replace them.

I get it, because I do the same, but DH and I have always been clear that if either of us buys hard to wash items then the person who buys it assumes full responsibility. And that includes not putting them in the usual laundry basket because I’m not willing to look through every item to check what’s delicate or not, the point of our laundry basket is it just all gets thrown in the wash (we have 4 baskets for coloured, dark, light and towels so it’s pre sorted).

I keep a separate wash bag of delicates that I was together when it gets full enough. I’d be annoyed if DH ruined them in the wash, but more so at myself. If he washed my delicates load inappropriately then I’d be livid at him, but he wouldn’t do that, it’s not his job or responsibility. His delicates are all dry clean only, so he also keeps those separate and takes them to the dry cleaner as required.

She put them in the basket with express instructions that she would wash them herself.

But what is the point of that?? Talk about making everyone's life harder!!

If my DH kept chucking things in the general washing basket but TOLD me specifically not to touch them I'd be a bit peeved off with it.. 1. you have to know what the items are, and how many there are of something that you haven't bought or wear yourself (so may not know 100% what they are) 2. you then have to bloody sort through everything carefully to remove the items before starting the laundry.. I wouldn't tolerate those sort of instructions when there is a much simpler solution that doesn't make my life harder.. and doesn't put clothes at risk of being accidentally ruined.

Just have a separate basket/bag/place for things that don't belong in the normal wash!! I don't think this is a DH problem so much as a complete lack of common sense. After the first time (it's now happened 4 times!!), you'd thing OP would have kept anything she wanted to wash separately.. separate!

Ignoring for a moment your incompetent (D)H, have you tried soaking your jumper in warm water with hair conditioner in it? This helps relax the fibres and you may be able to reshape it.

Do you keep any separate finances or have an agreement that he can spend a proportion on himself e.g. for video games, golf, pub etc? If so, it definitely needs to come out of his 'fun' budget. And I would suggest the full price new item so he finally learns his lesson.

So now we're no longer arguing about laundry are we. It's some sort of weird power play to see who will cave first!

I've no sympathy for you @PILinOz . Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. You should have a separate basket for items that need special/hand washing. And yes, of course you should buy it - it's you that's worried about special treatment of your jumpers.