Mothers of straight young men 25-35YO - what are your boys up to?

Oops! Was that meant to be a lovely experience leading to marriage and kids…or after marriage! Missed that memo.
just get it done!

Well my eldest is none of these but he is very shy when it comes to romance. I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend who didn't ask him out or at least make it really obvious that she liked him. He has plenty of friends, male and female, he has a good social life but he's definitely not on dating apps or in bars trying to chat women up.
Thinking about it, his father was the same.

Well said @BrownTroutBluesAgain

What an odd leap you made there @ExOptimist

Millions of people are single.
They aren’t all porn addicts or picking up people for one night stands
How did everyone deal with sex before they had a partner ?
Men and women. After all, being single is universally not just a male thing and nor is porn

II think another problem is that boys/young men are terrified of making a “pass” due to the metoo movement, so often relationships never get over the line!

Do they all have lots of one night stands? Because if none of them ever have a girlfriend, even for a few weeks or months, and they're in their early twenties, what do they do about sex?

Obviously it's your son's friends, so you probably don't know, but it does make one wonder about the huge rise in porn use and the apparent expectations of some men about sex when they've never experienced it with an actual woman.

Great post by @jacks11
I agree with so much of that - apart from the 'Apps' bit.
I know a few long term couples / young marrieds who met through dating apps and others who are looking for a relationship not a one night stand.

The other young men I vaguely know are students in the niche hobby, so are rather less likely to be part of whatever the dating scene looks like - it takes up a lot of time and attracts the weirquirky folk

Had this with my son though. He's 35 and only met his girlfriend in the last year. She’s 24. All girls nearer to his age seemed to be married/living with their partner.

S2, 23 tomorrow, is living with the girlfriend he met at school and planning his wedding for next summer. She stayed here for uni, he went away, but they stayed together.

S1, 26, is living with the girlfriend he met through a niche hobby at university.

S2's fiancee's BiL, 32, has been married for several years to someone he met at school and has a 6mo baby.

Colleague G, 27ish, is living with the girlfriend he met at university - in this area for her PhD.

Colleague S, 27ish, is living with his girlfriend, not sure how they met but I think they're both locals.

Going by my admittedly small sample, it looks like the ones who want to settle down do so pretty early.

I think the problem is assuming that the men are “in the wrong” and behaving badly- some will be, of course. But it could be that what your DD and her friends are looking for is not what young men of their age are looking for right now? I imagine that many men at the younger end of that age spectrum are not looking to settle down, and perhaps the majority of those that are looking to do that have already done so. Neither is wrong, just looking for different things.

Most apps are realistically more likely to be used for finding casual sexual partners. I asked my DD and her friends- both said they wouldn’t rule out having a relationship with someone they met on most of the apps, if they hit it off, but they primarily think apps are where you look for hook-ups/casual relationships.

Most young men I know well are either in long-terms relationships or focussing on work and/or hobbies.

I asked one who is here right now your question- his answer is that he finds women of his age looking to be in serious relationships want quite a lot of commitment, reasonably quickly. He feels they can be quite intense from a very early stage, and seek quite a lot of reassurance/ demonstration of commitment to them (e.g. over friends/hibbies/previous commitments) after a very short period of dating. They don’t want to “waste their time”- as he has had it out to him- and want almost promises of approximate timeline/future plans. He says those women aren’t really happy to go with it and see what develops as they get to know each other. He is very into his chosen sport (many of his friends are also into this), which he does to a high (though not professional) level, and does not want to give up time doing it at the moment. Mainly because he won’t be able to do what he does now, to that level, forever and he wants to make the most of it whilst he can. He also works quite long hours and between that and fitness programme he has to follow, there isn’t masses of time left over. He absolutely accepts this limits the dating pool available to him to those who are also very busy/happy with a casual relationship and “see how it builds” and more casual hook-ups. He says if he met someone who he did fall for, then maybe some of that would change- but right now it’s not something he is looking for or prepared to make lots of compromises to find. I can see both sides- why waste your time if you are 100% sure you want children, but the man you have started dating does not, for instance. On the other hand, at 25 years old I had ideas about what I wanted but plans changed- some by choice, some from necessity and flexibility is important too. I think going in demanding curtailment of hobbies/significant compromises after only a few dates, for instance, is a bit odd.

He thinks the women he meets casually understand the situation and he isn’t trying to pretend about what he is looking for/able to offer- but of course he is “nice” to them when they meet up. Not because he is trying to pretend he’s looking for long-term relationship, but because it would seem pretty odd to meet someone you are hoping to have a bit of a fling with- or perhaps met on an app and it’s clear this a one-night thing- and be anything but nice, charming etc. He said that he doesn’t ghost women, but he says there are a couple of times he thinks it has been very clear that he is not looking for anything serious, but the woman would like it to be more and he has cut contact when they’ve been persistent. I suspect, as with most things, there will be times where one party is at fault for miscommunication/wishful thinking/downright dishonesty and times where both parties are in the wrong.

So, I would guess it is a mix of factors: some young men not being ready to settle down, whilst your DD and her friends looking for a different type of relationship; those young men who are wanting to settle down already having done so; a proportion of men better off being casual hook-ups only (or avoided, if casual sex is not something you are comfortable with). I doubt they are all “just after one thing”- though of course there are some men who will be unscrupulous and I suspect many might be happy to have sex with a young woman who seems keen without too much thought of her longer term plans

Ds age 31. He’s an NHS professional, sociable, lots of friends and hobbies. Loves his job, quite a positive person. But finding it really hard to meet “the one”. No idea why but I get the impression it’s just difficult these days 🤷‍♀️

Mine is in a long term relationship with a girl from his work. Having multiple holidays and is in the gym 5 evenings a week.Making the most of his time before settling down.

My DS is 23 and so is his friendship group. About 4 of them including my DS are all working and are all decent polite young men. Apart from working all week they spend most of their time gaming. My team leader is early thirties, lovely young man but apart from working all week and going to the football on a weekend spends most of all his free time gaming.

In my experience, they have the same amount of heartache, cheating partners, difficulty finding the right person as the girls do. If they are lucky they meet someone nice that they click with and they've mostly wanted to do that. The ones I know have experienced all of these scenarios.

All my brothers and brother-in-laws (and husband!) fall into that category (or very slightly above), so there’s 6 total;
4 are married with children (three 10 year + relationships and one 5 ish years)
1 is baffled he’s still single but he’s still acting the exact same way as he did at 18; out with the same friends, drinking in the same places etc etc
1, well, you’re lucky to see him in daylight hours, unless he’s at work. Gamer, but the sweetest, kindest person you’d ever meet

My son met his partner aged 18 snd they are still together, I met my DH aged 20, maybe the good ones were snapped up

Thank you @BrownTroutBluesAgain (love the name!) I used to worry about DS tbh - but not any more he is individual, different and a nice lad. I am glad there is no pressure in his friendship group; to have sex, have relationships etc…. Each to their own 😀

Lovely to hear about your DS too (and the dog!) 🐶

Ones married after a couple of previous GFs. Ones in a LTR with a lovely young woman, his first serious relationship. When single they went to work (both have demanding jobs), the gym, did outdoorsy stuff with mates, plus pubs, bars and gigs. Neither into clubbing.
DS2 actively resisted a relationship until he met current GF, because he felt his life was busy and full enough already and that a relationship was a pressure he didn't want, both in terms of having to consider another person all the time, and because he thought it likely they would want a house, family and a couples lifestyle that didn't appeal. His GF doesn't appear to want to rush in that direction either, so I think that's why he changed his mind.

Same here @junebirthdaygirl
This is exactly the experience of my dc.
My older two dc are 29 and 27.
Between them they seemed to be at a wedding or a stag / hen do for much of last Summer, and seem to have several more each booked in this year.

But they are also people that go out and live their lives for themselves. None of them, or their friends go out "looking for a life partner". Some meet through hobbies or sports or work, and plenty of them are on-line and meet up for dates with new people. Others meets through friends / when they are out and about with friends. Then relationships evolve naturally or of course, they don't, but someone that was clingy and 'looking for commitment' before they even had chance to get to know one another would be a big turn off.

My ds 30 had great time at uni with lots of travelling, sport, lads nights out etc. Now has a gf he met through friends and this year has 7 weddings all from that lads group. They all took off around 27/28. Two are marrying women they met abroad while working for a year. I see all my friends ds leading the same life.
My other ds a bit older met a lovely woman on Bumble and they are in a long term relationship with plans to marry.
My dd met her dh at 29 through friends after some disappointments and got married at 33.
All are university educated with pretty good jobs so it took a while to make it through masters etc. Then the travelling, living abroad and now they are ready to settle down

Friends are a good source of connections here .
My advice is go out have lots of fun. Take up sports, hiking, fun outdoor activities , travelling and just relax. My niece met her dh on a train in Japan!!

I'm not a mother to a son that age, but I am in that age range as are my friends. I met dh via work, but both the men and women I know who have found a long term partner via apps, were brutally honest about what they liked, that they wanted, that they were dating to find a long term partner, eventually have kids (or not etc) and that they weren't interested in one night stands etc reduces the amount of interest you get, but what you get tends to align a lot better.

Our eldest boy is in the armed forces. He joined after completing his masters. It's something he always wanted to do (as my DF had, and my DH too). It's been part of our family going back many many generations.

The younger boy is still in college. He finishes his course this Jun, and wants to work (or study) in Germany for a year.

Both have had on-off GFs, but in some ways they are similar to me at that age. I had no intention of having a serious relationship when I knew I would be moving locations, jobs and so on.

DS is nearly 27. Last serious relationship was five years ago, and was complicated. A hook up ended in vicious trolling during uni. Now sticks to a circle of old and trusted friends and refuses to touch social media.

They are living with or buying houses with their girlfriends.