AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

Well your wife's proposal is a sensible one and frankly your statement below is childish and immature. How old are you?

"Again, I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say."

"BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships."

You've said the same thing more than once now so I don't get why you have such high expectations when you also don't have a good relationship with your wife or stepson.

Also while I can understand your daughter being a bit disappointed that she can't make it to the shower, her reaction that she doesn't want to see them again is also childish and immature and smacks of being competitive and jealous of your stepsons wife who was fortunate to have a baby earlier than she did.

This all comes across as a classic case of the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I know it can be upsetting to see your child go through what your daughter did but you also need for me sensible and reasonable and stop enabling her entitled behaviour.

For her own grandchild, at a baby shower held in her own home.

She actually was prepared to offer her stepdaughter that support, at a time when she’d actually be in the same country. Apparently that wasn’t good enough.

You are being ridiculous and so is your daughter. She can blame hormones to an extent but you cannot.
Nobody should be tavelling to a different country for a baby shower. Nobody. And certainly not the family by marriage of the family by marriage. And certainly not anyone who would have to travel with or leave their own young child to do so!
The whole idea is outrageous.
I bet your daughter won't be making such sacrifices when she has her own child. Get a grip even if she can't. You should know better.

Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower

Team wife here.
Why is your DD so stuck on her date to hold a baby shower, why doesn’t she have it the few weeks before when your ‘D’W is in the U.K?

However, I’d decline an invite to a baby shower even if it was in the U.K and 10 miles down the road tbh, and I say that as someone who had 7 cycles of IVF.
The time to celebrate is after the birth imo.

I think take the fact that it’s a baby shower out of the equation and look at it from a point that the OPs daughter is excited and wants support from her stepmum, as does OP, she was happy to do it for her own son’s wife.

OP, you're a bit mad on this - no, a baby shower is not something you take an international flight to attend.

When you are in the U.K., you and your wife can take your daughter out to celebrate, and take her shopping to choose some gifts for the baby. That's surely going to mean more than your wife showing up as part of a big group and having no time to spend with your daughter as she'll have many other guests.

Where has OP said he’s solely financially responsible, or that his wife hasn’t contributed/isn’t contributing? She at least worked up until last year, and the move was funded at least in part by the sale of joint property. Not sure how that constitutes sponging.

Either way, she’s told him no.

Even if it is 45 minutes from the airport, going to another country and coming back is never something many people would want to do in a day, you need to get to the airport, be there at least 1.5 hours in advance, then the time of the flght and then the same to return. Who would want to do this in one day??

Expecting someone to fly to another country for a baby shower is ridiculous in my opinion, no matter the relationship. If she wants to go then fine, but it should not be such a big deal is she doesn't.

To fly back for a party is crazy, she’s saying have a family celebration when you are in the country and include you, not just her. The whole women only thing is weird anyway, takes two to make a baby!

I think it's just honest communication if the DD does really wants her to attend,
I don't think adding "its been difficult" would be helpful though,
Obviuosly we cant know the nature of their relationship but i cant see why saying the DD really want her to attend the baby shower will ensure theres no relationship going forward.

I don’t think I would feel inclined to fly back to the UK for a baby shower after being there just a few weeks before …… and making the journey, there and back, in one day is just bloody bonkers!
Can’t you visit DD and take baby gifts when DW visits her dad?

Baby showers are awful. If you want to go then go- do not just default nominate the women in your family

Ok, fine to have questions. But, that's not what OP is asking about here. It's also not cool to deep dive a user name and post about it.

I'm in Canada and the few I've been to have been all women. I think it's definitely okay any way it's done now, but just offering my experience from here. (Although, I've never seen a guy get teary over a teeny tiny onzie) 😂

OP how did your DD react to and behave during your step sons wife's pregnancy? Did she fly to another country to attend her baby shower?

I personally would not fly to another country for a baby shower and I think both you and your daughter are very unreasonable to expect her stepmum and step sister in law to do so.

I don't think any adult has a right to expect another adult to be anywhere, unless a) adult B is being paid b) adult B would be reneging on caring responsibilities otherwise. Anything else is a matter of the relationship between the two people, how much trouble and expense it would cost to be there, and whether it's going to be fun or not.

Fair enough. Yes, I am in the US. I knew that the baby shower tradition had migrated to Britain since I moved here (along with proms and who knows what else) but of course it makes sense that they're a little different. I am surprised that there's such a gender divide there though.

Will you be flying over once baby is born ?

So many have obv stalked op other threads saying about Italy - alcohol issues and living in same house

I don’t think it would hurt for wife to fly over

equally maybe could do an afternoon tea the few weeks before when over

I wouldn’t expect someone to fly abroad for a baby shower. Though my best friend did come to mine from abroad, which delighted me! But it was not an expectation at all.

Long & short, you can't make your wife go if she doesn't want to & you can't make her want to go.

If everyone had a good relationship I wouldn't have thought it would such a big thing if your wife would be as involved as she could be otherwise.

If your daughter has been through so much & struggled so much though, why did you leave?

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

Has your daughter talked to your wife about it?
You say your wife was stepmum to your DD and that they have a good relationship. But this sounds more like your DD expects you to "make" your wife do what she wants. And that is not a sign of a good relationship between them, nor one where one party has been in a real parental role to the other.

It is on another thread - which posters have been pointing out.

I agree with @worldshottestmom : our personal views on baby showers are irrelevant in this context.