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mocked for Gold DofE and 'acting British'

183 replies

swpark · 26/03/2026 23:05

We’ve lived in London suburbs since 2010 when we moved to the UK. It’s a leafy, quiet spot, and while it’s not the most diverse part of London, it’s a pro-European lib dem voter area. With our neighbors and our international employers being so welcoming, we’ve always felt like we fit right in and never faced any discrimination. There were occasionally instances of small comments or hearsay, but it was never anything serious.

Our kids grew up here. They went to a local nursery, the local state primary, and then the local state comprehensive secondary and sixth form. We’re originally from Eastern Europe, but we’ve got our dual citizenship and we’ve built a good life here. We’re university-educated with good jobs, and while London prices mean we aren’t exactly 'rolling in it', we’re doing fine since we own our (tiny) home and enjoy our holidays.

Today, my teen daughter came home incredibly upset. She was bullied and mocked at school because she just finished her Gold DofE. Because the Gold level of the award is new to her school, it was announced in the weekly school newsletter. She has a good circle of friends at school, but this other crowd really went for her. They called the whole thing useless and pretentious, saying she only did it because she’s a snob and wanted to 'act British'. They even dragged us into it, claiming we pressured her into it because we’re desperate to belong and that, as Eastern Europeans, we never actually will. She’s obviously excited for the Buckingham palace award ceremony. Anyone would be, but they acted like her (and our) excitement was just us trying too hard to fit in.

The worst part is that she genuinely loved the whole experience. She’s super sporty and outdoorsy, so the hiking and camping were right up her street, and she already does swimming and basketball anyway. She used her real hobbies, singing and cooking, for her skills and spent two years volunteering at a hospital and with girl guides (rainbows unit helper). The only 'extra' bit was a summer camp which she chose for her residential trip, but that was also useful for her uni personal statement.

Now she says she feels like a 'second-class Brit'. It’s heartbreaking because she grew up here; this is her home. She’s being made to feel like an outsider just for having some ambition and putting in the effort. Why be so bullish and judgmental toward someone who’s just working hard and making the most of things? This caught me completely off guard as she has never had any such incidents at school. She was really shaken by how nasty and aggressive their comments were.

OP posts:
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NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/03/2026 19:38

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 23:45

Excluding so dc miss a public exam is challengeable.

Suspension so that they would miss a public exam has to be referred to the Governors to hold a review panel. They could be suspended without issue prior to that point and could be only permitted to return once study leave commences for the exams themselves whilst accessing online full time education arranged by the local authority from the 6th day of a suspension.

They could also be quite legally told in the process that permanent expulsion was seriously considered due to their racist bullying being a clear breach of the school behaviour policy.

But apart from that, yes, parents and students if they are 18 can make representations to the governors and if the decision is upheld, have the right to be referred on to IRP.

follygirl · 28/03/2026 13:15

Firstly, congratulations to your daughter. To get Gold DofE is a huge achievement.
In terms of the comments. I completely sympathise with how hurt your daughter must have felt.
I am Dutch, I came here in 1977 when I was 6. I do not have an accent at all and people assume I’m English. When Brexit was being discussed and their views of immigrants were being aired, people were very surprised to hear that I was ‘one of them’. I subsequently did the whole process to become British and thankfully I have been able to keep my Dutch nationality too. The process and the discussion about Brexit made me realise that although I’m ’English Passing’, to a fairly large part of the British population I will never be welcomed or accepted. At the ripe old age of 54, I find it disappointing but that is the state of the world and the UK is far from the worst in this regard, you just have to look at the US to see what’s happening over there. I love my life here with my British husband and children and can’t see myself moving.

Vaguelyclassical · 28/03/2026 12:39

God, the infinite ability of the British (of all ages) to be inverted snobs and to slap down anybody who is aspirational in any way. And to label them "snobby." . Huge congratulations to your wonderful and accomplished daughter, OP. Tell her to hold her head high.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 28/03/2026 12:31

As a secondary school teacher I say do speak to the school as it’s racist bullying and the other kids need to know that their shitty behaviour has consequences. If they pulled this shit in the wok place they could easily be sacked.

Your daughter sounds an amazing young woman. Please let her know so many of us think she’s done an incredible thing!

Lem0nScented · 28/03/2026 12:03

I completed my DoE decades ago

I really enjoyed the experiences. It also enabled me to do things that I would not have done without joining this group.

It was useful to put on my CV

It was useful to put onto university applications

Overall it was a very positive experience for myself

Please do not allow other people to demoralise your DD should be very proud of her achievements

HotForThomasShelby · 28/03/2026 11:36

AnnieRegent · 27/03/2026 11:03

I went to a London state school that didn't offer DoE. The only people I knew that did DoE were at private schools, where doing Bronze DoE seemed to be the bare minimum. Amongst my friends (generally middle-class with lefty parents) I think doing DoE in an environment where it wasn't standard to do it would have been seen as a bit posh/tory/naff. Coded similarly to loving afternoon tea/cricket/the royal family/Ascot. These things aren't as common in lefty middle-class London circles as they are in the rest of the country. These types of people sometimes sneer at these things. It's not considered cool. I think this is what the "British" comments are about.

(To be clear, I think it's a great achievement and one I would have enjoyed! I have also as an adult greatly enjoyed Lords/Ascot/Pimms etc ...!)

I also think she would have been sneered at regardless of her ethnic background. The added racism is a really nasty extra layer.

Edited

The DofE is being offered in most state schools now I believe, so pretty standard and available to everyone.

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 23:45

Excluding so dc miss a public exam is challengeable.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/03/2026 21:25

If it's the borough I have experience of, the racism is so over and above anything I'd ever witnessed in my more diverse one, it's like a different planet accessible by a fifteen minute bus ride.

Absolutely report it. They need a short, sharp shock of a threat of suspension at the start of the exams period and it to be added to their references.

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 21:23

@swparkObvuously yours and her choice. But they have got away with it. Do monitor the situation and it’s great she has supportive friends.

swpark · 27/03/2026 21:14

Thanks so much everyone for the supportive words and advice! And yes, she's read some of the messages! 😍

She is feeling much better today and has gone to see a film with her friends. Bit of a learning experience for all of us... Won't be reporting to school, unless it happens again. They have four weeks of teaching left after the Easter break until A-level exams start, and she said 'she has better things do to with her time'.

Thank you.

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 15:05

@dottiehens Hmm. Not sure who you are comparing us with?!! We have some problems as we can see here but overall I quite like us!

bestbefore · 27/03/2026 14:26

What horrible children. Hopefully she will soon be off leaving school or and won’t have to see them again. Enjoy Buckingham palace!

dottiehens · 27/03/2026 14:00

Well sorry that is going on. Some people in this country are really deluded to think they are the top of the world. This country is one of the worst to live in terms of quality of life and is on decline. Only here you hear arguments about wanting to fit in and all that. Let them

Chilly80 · 27/03/2026 13:41

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 13:34

@Chilly80 These dc won’t be jealous. They would not spend the time away from their devices to do anything. They are content with that. However DD should be persuaded that reporting this to the DofE supervisor is vital.

That's exactly why they are jealous.

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 13:34

@Chilly80 These dc won’t be jealous. They would not spend the time away from their devices to do anything. They are content with that. However DD should be persuaded that reporting this to the DofE supervisor is vital.

Munchyseeds2 · 27/03/2026 13:01

They should jealous and horrible and I would be very tempted to say something to the school
A big well done to your daughter and friends. Gold DoE is something to be proud of.
I hope they enjoy every minute of the visit to the Palace.

BibbityBobbityBuggerit · 27/03/2026 12:25

Jealous and resentful AF. Also racist bullies and should be reported to the school.

Congratulations to your daughter! Gold DofE is a big deal and you must all be super proud of her 👏

Tryagain26 · 27/03/2026 11:08

That is bullying along with racism. The likes of Reform have have normalised ths type of bullying wheres it wasn't 15 years ago. You should complain to the school.
And please don't let a small group of ignorant people put your daughter off. There are still more decent people in the UK than people like that.

Chilly80 · 27/03/2026 11:08

They are jealous.

Well done to your daughter.

AnnieRegent · 27/03/2026 11:03

I went to a London state school that didn't offer DoE. The only people I knew that did DoE were at private schools, where doing Bronze DoE seemed to be the bare minimum. Amongst my friends (generally middle-class with lefty parents) I think doing DoE in an environment where it wasn't standard to do it would have been seen as a bit posh/tory/naff. Coded similarly to loving afternoon tea/cricket/the royal family/Ascot. These things aren't as common in lefty middle-class London circles as they are in the rest of the country. These types of people sometimes sneer at these things. It's not considered cool. I think this is what the "British" comments are about.

(To be clear, I think it's a great achievement and one I would have enjoyed! I have also as an adult greatly enjoyed Lords/Ascot/Pimms etc ...!)

I also think she would have been sneered at regardless of her ethnic background. The added racism is a really nasty extra layer.

Dandeliontea123 · 27/03/2026 11:03

Well done to your daughter. There’s a reason she has a good circle of friends and is not friendly with ‘the other crowd’ who seem to enjoy putting others down.

Sanddancing · 27/03/2026 11:02

Jealousy- she has done something amazing and some people ( yes kids, but we are talking older teens here), respond to that by being mean.
DS hates achievements being promoted at school, and in year 11 manages it. Likes the activities, but doesn’t want a fuss made because of the backlash he’ll get from his peers.

And a chunk of racism, I’ve got a European Mum and a British Dad, and there were Mum’s incredulous to my Mum’s face that we were doing well ( better than their kids) at school, cos she was…. Foreign, long time ago now, but true story

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 11:00

@ldnmusic87 I don’t actually agree with that. I accept my DDs were at schools that didn’t have dc like that (private school) but I don't see that attitude in relatives, dc in my locality or indeed in their parents. It’s not typical teen behaviour at all. It’s probably stemming from parents and it needs to be dealt with in school because it’s wholly unacceptable. We are becoming a terrible country that just seems to think this is typical behaviour. It’s absolutely not in decent households.

Zennia · 27/03/2026 10:58

It's jealousy. Your daughter is clearly a high flyer and worked very hard for the achievement.
I don't really see how it's "acting British" when a lot of multigenerational British people don't even participate in DofE. Do they think working class estates in coastal towns are packed with DofE award winners or something?

ldnmusic87 · 27/03/2026 10:48

Just teens being teens - rude and jealous.