AIBU to let 11-year-old manage contact with unreliable bio mum directly?

You an't expect this poor child to manage a relationship with an abusive parent. Okay so you think she won't abuse him directly, but her broken promises are emotional abuse.

I am so so sorry you are in this situation- but you are clearly the only reliable adult in his life. He's too young to try and navigate such pathetic parents. His dad doesn't like the abuse so isn't stepping up either? This poor poor kid. And yes poor you as well having to deal with parents who are so utterly crap.

Please stand upo for your DSS and protect him while he is so young. I know it's hard, but let the abuse just roll off. Or otherwise maybe talk with the LA (I know they are stretched so this may not be practically useful) and see if they can take over supervised contact in a contact centre. THis is crying out for support being put in place for both you and your DSS.

I'm so sorry.

You sound amazing, it’s so good that your step son has a stable, loving parent given his biological parents aren’t able/willing to prioritise him.

My concern about letting him manage contact directly is that if his mum can’t get to you, she’ll try to get to you through him. Or if he doesn’t accommodate her being flakey, or doesn’t agree to contact on her terms she’ll start manipulating him. Or he’ll feel he has to do what she wants ti keep some kind of relationship with her. All of which is too much for a child to deal with.

I think setting up a single point of contact, be that an app or a different phone, might help keep contact with her to a limit and reduce your exposure to her. I can see why you’d want to step back, it sounds like you’re spinning a lot of plates, but you may find it actually creates more problems down the line and you’ll be dealing with the impact of that on your step son and still have the flakey mum to deal with.

Reading your other messages I would also advise contacting your local authority and starting the process to get a special guardianship order or something similar. You need some form of legal Parental responsibility if the child is living with you but her birth parents are not. Been there ourselves and have the sgo. Happy to chat if you want to vent x

Tell her you've all got new numbers. Get a cheap phone and leave it in a draw. Turn it on at times you expect her to ring then put it away. Only check the phone when you have the time abd cba to read a load of shitty messages. That's what we do.

I’m wondering whether you do a halfway solution for a few years?

If bio mum is behaving reasonably with dss then you could let her have his number and so she can call and text as wanted. And you could therefore stop asking her why she hasn’t called etc.

But, the bad-cop stuff which is likely to provoke a negative reaction could still sit with you till he’s 16. Eg you message her if you’re running late or going to miss a call etc.

I can understand missing video calls when she’s so flaky. It’s not reasonable for him to have to sit waiting for her to call twice a week if she often can’t be bothered.

I don’t think this should be his sole responsibility. It’s too much for him to manage yet. He still needs your support. It sounds like he’s lucky to have you!

Your poor stepson. This woman is so abusive and messy that you and the dad want to have nothing more to do with her, but you’re considering letting stepson deal with her independently. I would be seeking legal advice and getting my child into counselling if he isn’t already, to figure out how best to deal with this. Her behaviour is harming your child (and as you’re raising him, he is yours in all the ways that matter).

She said she has PR so a bit of time reading would have saved you asking this, and what law do you think she would be breaking even if she didn't?

What a nasty reply when op is clearly the best parent the child has and she is obviously on his side.
Of course this situation is stressful with a feckless abusive mother and a sick father.

To clarify are you officially his legal guardian at the moment? If ypu haven't gone through the correct channels you could be breaking the law.
Kindly, you seem a bit clueless yo be putting an 11 year old child in a situation because you find it too stressful. Who is safeguarding this child?

Your stepson doesn't need a smart phone for his mum to contact him - she can text or phone him. I'd avoid a smart phone, bring more problems.

I agree with the pps who've said that 11 is too young for your DSS to have to deal directly with him mum - sounds like she'll repeatedly let him down.

My son's Dad isn't as bad your DSS's mum, but was a bit flakey. Communication was between me and him till she was about 14, when it didn't matter so much to her that he was going to be a no show/hours late for pick up.

Use a parenting app to communicate with her and change your mobile number. Only address things she writes that are pertinent and ignore the rest.

I read a few more of your replies, and she sounds like a classic narcissist. Can't stress enough that grey rock methods and unemotive, factual, infriguent and low key communication are the only way to go. When you make a step change in how you deal with her she will kick off, but hold the line for a few months and don't get baited to her pointless arguments. She will go away eventually (ask me how I know!).

The book I recommended is a life saver, have a read.

If you can do this for a bit more time to support him, he'll become a more rounded teenager and adult as a result. All the best for you and your SS x

OP, thank heavens he has you. You sound absolutely amazing.

He’s too young to be the go-between is my instinct.

if she’s that unreasonable then she will end up taking it out on him.

Could you go with the plan of getting him a non smart phone for school but have a spare phone that you turn on at set times for her contact so that she’s not blowing up your phone?

Poor kid. Do whatever you can to shield him

why do you sometimes miss video calls?

Eh? So you’re the step-mum to a child who’s mum AND dad don’t want to live with him? The child lives just with you? Do you have parental responsibility for him? 🫤

I appreciate it's very, very hard to deal with such an unreasonable, unreliable and infuriating bio mum. But I'd try and stay in the middle for another few years. It's just that 11 is very young, he is still developing, and it's a lot for a child to handle this on his own.

I'd recommend reading book titled "say goodbye to crazy" and implementing some serious grey rock techniques. All communication in texts, don't reply to her unless you absolutely must (i.e. you're arranging visitation dates), "no" / "yes" is a full sentence, get a separate phone for her and check only once a day, if she starts hurling insults and abuse, stonewall her entirely for a period of time,etc etc.

You'll get to the other side of this, and time will pass quick. Just implement some boundaries and it will be tolerable - though may take some time for her to get a hint and go bully someone else. But she'll move on eventually if you don't give her the drama she wants. Your SS will definitely thank you later!

You cut contact, or rather the child's parent does and let her take it to court. If SS arrange contact for a fostered child, three no shows and in the best interests of the child, it's cancelled.

How is DSS feeling about it all? Why are you in charge and not his parent?

Does his dad also live you with you and DSS? It’s not clear from your post.

Sounds like you are going above and beyond but I don’t think direct contact is the thing. His dad needs to step up.

She’s his step mum.

up to his father, no?

This took a turn. I thought it was going to be his mum pushing for direct contact and you saying no.

I don’t think direct contact is appropriate but I also don’t think you should be managing it. It’s a job for his dad.