AIBU to let 11-year-old manage contact with unreliable bio mum directly?

Sorry, I didn't spot this update /appeal for help and it's nearly a month down the line. How is your step son doing? Is his mother still MIA and ignoring him ?

Realistically she is cutting her nose off and killing her relationship with her child. All you can do it be there to support him and possibly support a closer relationship with his grandparents so he doesn't feel quite so isolated. Hopefully in time his own father will get his sh*t together enough that they can rebuild that relationship too

You are doing a very good thing. It doesn't mean you have to be the doormat she wipes her feet on so don't second guess yourself all the time.

DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT RESCHEDULING!

Can I just say well done and thank you for trying to give your son stability. People are so quick to have a go at step mums and you sound amazing.

What is your issue? Why are you siding with the mother of the ops SS? It is because you too are a rubbish mother like her?

Yes people may say I have gone to far with that comment, but then you seem to ignore what the op is saying and will probably post negative shit regardless of what she says.

Op - it's true that we've only got your side, but his mother sounds like a lot of parents noways - unfit to be parents and it's everyone's fault apart from their own. You seem to be doing an amazing job - I hope things settle down and he will see his mother's true colours. When he is older, hopefully he will realise and appreciate how much you have done for him.

You sound like you are amazing. Just ignore the dippy posts, and (the bio mother, as far you can) 👍

I know services are cut to the bone, but it sounds like you need support. Ask around and see if anything is available.

I agree with others who have said that as hard as it is, your DSS still needs you as a buffer.

He is so lucky to have you. Allow yourself a little pride for that school report. Well done to your DSS, but bloody well done to you as well ❤️

Narcissists do go through phases of being calm and sensible, but that is just another one of their manipulation techniques. They do this to keep you reeled in and responsive - they know you'd drop them in a heartbeat if they were just nasty 24/7. It's constant push/pull with them. But don't mistake their fleeting "co-operation" for them being actually reasonable. The way to deal with it is just to response to their niceties in the exact same manner as you'd respond to their nastiness- short yes/no answers, don't reply immediately, engage in as unemotive manner as possible, etc.

And you don't need to resign to having to deal with her for the rest of your life! No matter how constant her presence may now feel in your life, a time will come when DSS is old and mature enough, and you don't need to deal with her at all. Bide your time. The day will come.

Insist OP. Change your number and ignore any other contact than the app. The end. Don’t give in.

This is really good advice. Frankly I think if you give her direct contact things will only get worse in ways you can't dream of yet.

You are doing a really good thing looking out for this child. It sounds really hard but kudos 💐

"In terms of therapy, DSS is receiving mental health support, I take him to therapy every week."

That is a relief to hear, you got this op, you are doing great.

@bloodyweeds your posts are coming across as really cuntish, is that deliberate? Or are you having a bit of a shit day?

Op I am so sorry that your poor wee dss has such a crap bm, he is lucky that he has you in his life. I agree with pp that a separate phone for dss contact with her is the way to go forward.

On a side note, it would be helpful to your dss to have counselling now before he starts going through puberty. He may need a top up then whilst going through puberty, but this should help him before his hormones kick in. A mental health reinforcement as it were, he is mentality vulnerable due his relationship with his mother.

I wish you and your dss a happy and peaceful life 💐

I would give her an email to contact you or a communciatuons apps the courts can suggest for co parenting in difficult situations and change your number. She has access to dc on his phone.
She can contact you by email or app

Honestly OP I would:

1. get a new number for yourself and DSS - switch him to a phone you like and say she can use your number for video calls
2. leave your old phone number active for her to do her rants and other shit on. You can ignore them for the most part, just turn it on for scheduled calls and when it suits you to deal with her nonsense
3. ignore at all other times.

You sound like a lovely step mum ❤️ well done to your DSS on his fab school report 🎉

I can’t believe a previous poster said to just give him back to his mum….. wow the mind blows!!

This must be difficult to deal with.
Who has parental responsibility for your DSS?
If its you,as awful as she sounds to be behaving i think you have to find a way to facilitate your DDS relationship with his unreliable mum.
If its the DD he has to do it.
11 yrs old is still developing and needs parental support and guidance in this tricky matter.

It's too much to expect of an 11 yo but this is his Dad's job, not yours.

As a stepmum who retained partial custody of my stepdaughter after divorcing her dad and who also experiences an inconsistent mother... just wanted to say you're doing an amazing job. Its an absolute tightrope to walk.

I think you still need to manage the contact at 11 with the trauma of an inconsistent parent it will be too much for him but absolutely cut off all other contact. Grey rock and dont reply to anything that isnt you making arrangements. Hes lucky to have you.

I think leaving this for an 11 year old to deal with that is putting far too much on the 11 year old. If you as an adult have difficulty dealing with her, and his dad can't because it will affect his mental health, how is your stepson supposed to manage? He doesn't yet have the skills and I think if you try this now, he'll be the worse for it.

Could you switch to using a court admissable app for communication with her and use that only? I think the video calls are intrusive into your privacy and would limit those to only one area of the home. I would suggest therapy both to help him deal with his feels and to teach him communication skills that will help him deal with his mom in the future.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to suck it up for a few more years. 11 is still quite young to have him dealing on his own with a volatile parent.

You've done great taking this responsibility and conflict on, your stepson is lucky to have you in his life.

Can't believe some of the batshit responses on this thread, and people who haven't taken the time to properly read the posts. You sound like a loving and caring stepmum and your DSS is lucky to have you in his life and advocating for him. Wishing you all the best. Definitely worth reading some of the books previously suggested (say goodbye to crazy, etc).

Where is his dad? His dad should be handling all of this. Not you, not him.

Our job as parents is to be a buffer for our children from the world to a degree. It’s not his fault that he lost in the mum lottery. It’s your dh’s fault for having a child with a crap co-parent. He shouldn’t be shouldering the responsibility for his parents poor choices.

This is on your Dh. I would, however, stop planning the calls and visits with him. It can be a surprise if she turns up. But stop dropping him in the disappointment every time she doesn’t. He can soon decide for himself if he doesn’t want to speak to her or see her and that can be relayed to her by your Dh. It’s not his job to manage what you as an adult find too hard.

That is good news @Haveyouanyjam. Sounds like all your hard work is paying off for your DSS. You won't have to deal with DSS Mum for ever. He will be able to deal with his Mum on his own terms in another few years, but I'm glad you aren't asking him to do it now.